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Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 9:17:47 AM   
allurette


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/22/2007
Status: offline 		I almost hate to post this as I feel I'm opening a can of worms about my relationship, but therapists are expensive these days, and I've never been too keen on visiting one in the first place.

A little about me so we're on the same page: I'm twenty, moved out when I was fifteen, didn't speak to my parents for four years, but we're on good terms now. I moved out more because of emotional abuse than physical, but both were combining factors. I feel as if I've settled my issues with my parents and things are so much better now than they ever were. Abuse is something we've all dealt with in one way or another and I feel as if I deal with it quite well. I'm not sure if this information is important, but the closest I've ever felt in my situation described below is when I was having these issues with my parents.

I'm in a relationship, for I guess a little over a year now. We've had our ups and downs struggles with his polygamous nature and my monogamous, but nothing we haven't been able to deal with. I love Him with all of my heart and have honestly never been happier in my life. He's not emotionally abusive in any way, and gives me more support than anyone ever has.

Now to the root of the situation: We don't exactly scene a lot, I love it, but it's not really His thing. Fine, I'm cool with that whatever makes Him happy. The last three or four scenes we've had have gradually gotten worse and worse as far as pain goes. I love it- love the pain, love the humiliation, love everything about it. But when he's hitting me I tend to hear words in my head (oh Lord now I really sound crazy....)

Aren't we all a little crazy though? It's like me talking to myself. I say to myself "He hates you, He doesn't love you, He loves someone else, He's using you, He hates you" and sometimes even more horrible things in response from me. Sometimes I'll say (out loud! while he's scening with me) "I hate you, hate you, hate you, until I just break down completely in tears. This is no longer solely when we're scening, but when He's having sex with me too.... Not always in fact rarely, but once is more than enough for me!

Long question made not too very short, I don't believe that He really feels this way. I know He loves me, probably more than anyone else ever has.... but have any other submissives/slaves/dominants/trees/dogs/bumblebees/anything experienced the same thing?

I have told Him, and He says He'll have to read more before He knows what to tell me. I read these message boards a lot, even if I post rarely and admire the opinions of many of you on here more than you will know. So, any advice at all is greatly greatly, appreciated.

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!

_____________________________

allurette.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 9:22:28 AM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Sounds like maybe some cathartic self talk that while releasing some of the pressure is not leading you to learn anything about yourself from it yet. Might find a therapist and see if they can help you work through it.



(in reply to allurette)
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RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 10:37:57 AM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		I agree, get professional help now and deal with it before it causes you more problems later.

Mike

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RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 10:47:33 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		You mentioned his polygamous nature and you monogmaus one. There is the root of your problem. You are trying to deal with that and failing at it. You have a decision to make.

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)
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RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 10:51:30 AM   
BDOMsecret


Posts: 43
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline 		Are you currently on any medications?

_____________________________

Take care and be safe.
His o};-

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RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 10:54:06 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Therapy is good. See if you can find any programs to assist with/pay the cost and don't be afraid to shop around. You aren't likely to find your right match right away.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to BDOMsecret)
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RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 10:57:06 AM   
allurette


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/22/2007
Status: offline 		No medications at all, just a multi vitamin and my immune boosters.

_____________________________

allurette.

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RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 11:00:10 AM   
allurette


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/22/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your responses. I cannot say that I am not disappointed or surprised to see therapy as the number one response. I shall now forever be known as the girl with "issues" on the collarme message boards....

_____________________________

allurette.

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RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 11:02:17 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Don't you think that's a just a tad emo? You are hardly the first or last person whose post will get people suggesting therapy. All things considered, I doubt your name would even up if someone mentioned "Forum users with issues" - except that since you just said that it may stick around a bit.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to allurette)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 11:05:45 AM   
BDOMsecret


Posts: 43
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline 		Lots of people have lots of issues.  :)  I like knowing i am not the only one.

_____________________________

Take care and be safe.
His o};-

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 11:31:53 AM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		First of all no one is going to consider you as a person with issues.  We all have issues of some type or another otherwise we wouldnt be here.  Now, you should get some kind of therapy or some kind of safe sounding board at the very least but it makes perfect sense why this is happening to you.  When people scene the Dom kind of leads the Sub mentally away from the day to day and into the world of make believe and emotion.  Subs when scening have a tendency to have there deepest emotions expressed by attaching them to sexual emotion that is forced out. Its kind of hard to explain but us Doms kind of take what is deep down inside of you and bring it to the surface.... Sometimes a sub will attach other emotions to what is being brought to the surface. Doing this is kind of cool because it allows people to bite onto emotions that they otherwise would let slide off.  For example if a sub has been humilliated in the past and then is humilliated in a scene the sub can either let things fall apart or embrace the humilliation by allowing it to come to the surface where they can react to it where in real life they would not react to it and simply repress it.   In your situation it seems as though you have taken your insecurities and brought them to the surface by attaching your subconciouse feelings of insecurities to the venting of your sexuality.... Work on getting rid of your insecurities by developing better comunication and understanding of and with your Dom and it should pass over time. Having interuptive thoughts durring sex is not unusual for anyone and it can be controlled. You might want to do a search on poly.. I know there have been a few threads as to how people percieve it and there perceptions may be your adaptaion. 
  You also mentioned that he is not really into being a Dom a whole lot or at least you dont scene as much as you like.  That could also be a contributing factor as he may not be giving you the attention that you feel you need which could create an insecurity.  Try talking to him about the non sceneing aspect of Domination and perhaps speak to him about you getting verbal and or phisical reasurances as to how he feels about you. You can also try changing what you say ... when you feel like saying 'you hate me' try saying something that attaches the meaning of you giving yourself to him that way you are more or less reasuring yourself of whats going on.  Thats my take on it anyways...lol hope it helps a little or gives you a few ideas. Remember.... make friends that you can share your thoughts with so you can vent some of these feelings.  

(in reply to BDOMsecret)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 11:58:28 AM   
Kittypurrs


Posts: 14
Joined: 2/3/2008
Status: offline 		I'm sorry to hear that is how you're feeling.  It seems to me you have some real issues, still lurking around, from the abuse from your childhood.  It also sounds like you have a self-esteem issue (as do alot of us subs).  I agree you may also still  be dealing with his poly wish and your mono wish. 

I need to ask a question....why does pain make you think of hate and abuse?  What is the association there?  Were your parent/s talking like that when they were abusive?  It seems obvious to me that you feel (deep inside) that pain means the one inflicting it hates you.  That goes back to your childhood.  You need to relearn the association.  Perhaps he can try some pain, followed by loving carresses while he tells you how much he loves you.  You can relearn and associate pain with love instead of hate.

In the end though, therapy is not a bad idea as you arestruggling with these issues.  Good luck!

(in reply to BDOMsecret)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 12:09:19 PM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allurette

A little about me so we're on the same page: I'm twenty, moved out when I was fifteen, didn't speak to my parents for four years, but we're on good terms now. I moved out more because of emotional abuse than physical, but both were combining factors. I feel as if I've settled my issues with my parents and things are so much better now than they ever were. Abuse is something we've all dealt with in one way or another and I feel as if I deal with it quite well. I'm not sure if this information is important, but the closest I've ever felt in my situation described below is when I was having these issues with my parents.


From your statements above, is it safe to assume that there was also some physical abuse in your home as well?

quote:


I'm in a relationship, for I guess a little over a year now. We've had our ups and downs struggles with his polygamous nature and my monogamous, but nothing we haven't been able to deal with. I love Him with all of my heart and have honestly never been happier in my life. He's not emotionally abusive in any way, and gives me more support than anyone ever has.


If you're monogamous and he's poly, they clearly you've not resolved the issue and it could be triggering some real insecurities for you.  I think you're deluding yourself when you say that there's nothing the two of you haven't been able to deal with.
 

quote:


Now to the root of the situation: We don't exactly scene a lot, I love it, but it's not really His thing. Fine, I'm cool with that whatever makes Him happy. The last three or four scenes we've had have gradually gotten worse and worse as far as pain goes. I love it- love the pain, love the humiliation, love everything about it. But when he's hitting me I tend to hear words in my head (oh Lord now I really sound crazy....)


In my experience, there's nothing worse than having my needs placated by a Domme who doesn't share an interest in the same activities.  If he's not into it, then that may be part of your issue.  Not only is he not monongamous, he's also not a Dom from what you're telling us.  As such, you have some very basic compatibility issues here.


quote:


Aren't we all a little crazy though? It's like me talking to myself. I say to myself "He hates you, He doesn't love you, He loves someone else, He's using you, He hates you" and sometimes even more horrible things in response from me. Sometimes I'll say (out loud! while he's scening with me) "I hate you, hate you, hate you, until I just break down completely in tears. This is no longer solely when we're scening, but when He's having sex with me too.... Not always in fact rarely, but once is more than enough for me!


These sound very much to me like symptoms of PTSD.  Do you recall all of your childhood?  Perhaps there are things about any physical abuse or sexual abuse which occured that you perhaps have blocked out and don't remember that are coming out during these activities with him.  As someone else mentioned, pain can also be very cathartic and you may be releasing feelings about someone or something else, perhaps your relationship with your father?
 
quote:


Long question made not too very short, I don't believe that He really feels this way. I know He loves me, probably more than anyone else ever has.... but have any other submissives/slaves/dominants/trees/dogs/bumblebees/anything experienced the same thing?


Short answer, yes.  But then, I have PTSD and certain things have been known to trigger it.  Fortunately it's been a very long time since I've had anything like that happen.  I can say that I've also had cathartic releases as well.
 

quote:


I have told Him, and He says He'll have to read more before He knows what to tell me. I read these message boards a lot, even if I post rarely and admire the opinions of many of you on here more than you will know. So, any advice at all is greatly greatly, appreciated.

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!


Like the others, I highly recommend you contact a kink aware therapist to discuss what's happening in your life if you can find one in your area.  If you do have PTSD, then I suggest you google EMDR and find someone who's been trained in that kind of therapy as it's been shown to be very helpful to patients with PTSD.
 
 - pixel
 


_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to allurette)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 12:25:48 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Going to second the EMO jab at you here. I've suggested therapy to many folks here, been to therapy myself for things before.
The fact is you are obviously having issues, or else you wouldn't have posted it to the boards. The question is are you going to deal with the issues or not. Having issues is nothing big not dealing with them is.

(in reply to pixelslave)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 12:26:25 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Allurette -
 
Your emotions are not unusual.  Eveyone suffer from insecurities and many people take time to understand that just sometimes, people mean what they say.  It's not unusual - but it is up to you - you will need to work on taking people at their word, when their actions match.  Talk to him.  Tell him exactly what thoughts go through your head.  Without knowing them, he can't work on them with you.
 
And as an aside and said with a little humour and a lot of honesty - have you read many other posts?  Seriously, there are people here with far more issues than what you have shown.  Really, don't feel singled out - there is always worse out here... enjoy the forums. 
 
the.dark.


_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 12:27:41 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Pfttt... and y'all say EMO like it's a bad thing...
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 2:51:37 PM   
BDOMsecret


Posts: 43
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline 		I like the idea of relearning the association, Kittypurrs

_____________________________

Take care and be safe.
His o};-

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 2:51:54 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		am thinking of applying for a pardon from the Pope for some of the things I think about during play ... and certainly some of the things I think about Sir .. but I tended just to skip the Pope ... and bring Him a beer (Sir .. not the Holy Father)

sometimes, the right/wrong combination of circumstances creates a change in me .. and that new place is filled with doubt, self loathing, failure, fear, delf disgust, worthlessness ... the full range of bright sunshine like emotions .. in those moments I create a reality for myself that is not a pleasant place to be - and with anyone else I would refuse to go back there

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 3:58:06 PM   
allurette


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/22/2007
Status: offline 		I always like it when I leave the house for a while and come back to answers. I like the re-association idea... and I'm glad to know that others have touched on the grounds. As far as being emo goes, I can has cry emo kid cry? (I certainly hope someone else has seen that lol cat ) Thank you for the responses, they've all been very very helpful indeed.

_____________________________

allurette.

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RE: Words I'll never say - 6/5/2008 4:43:17 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		It's pretty simple. He doesn't hate you, you hate yourself and you're projecting that onto him so that it comes from outside, not inside. Start going inside and figuring out why you hate yourself.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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Profile   Post #: 20
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