|
julietsierra -> RE: A question of forgiveness (6/8/2008 11:31:50 AM)
|
I know I'm not a dominant, but speaking to this topic from the point of view of one who might be lied to, I'd like to add my two cents as to how I see this whole idea of forgiveness and/or "getting over it."
One of the things I like romanticizing about when it comes to D/s is everyone's penchant for telling the truth. In my romanticized version of D/s no one ever makes mistakes, dominants are always oh so dominating (and subsequently, never domineering), submissives are always obedient (and never ever passive aggressive), and neither of them ever chooses to lie - even in a weak moment.
And then, I remember that every one of us is human, every one of us makes mistakes and every one of us is capable of lying - especially in a weak moment. I recall my early years when at my parents' insistence, I took religious education classes and learned that people lie (sometimes more than once), even when they love someone, and that even though the lie can be huge, the liar can continue to be loved right back. And I learned that loving the liar right back can sometimes make him a better person after than he was before the lie.
And as I was taught, I attempt to turn the other cheek.
Now, I am not so "saintly" <cough cough> , nor so naive as to always accept the lie, and I CERTAINLY am not ever going to accept the premise that I should just "get over it," but I do try to remember that we're human and if the lie isn't something that is ongoing and prevalent in the relationship; if I do see a willingness to work on what's necessary for us to continue, I work past it - IF he is willing.
The thing is, I don't want him asking forgiveness. I want us talking about a whole lot more than the actual lie told. I want to know why it was necessary to lie, what he didn't feel he could tell me and why. I want us to work through the difficulties the lie represents, not just the lie itself. I also don't want assurances that it'll never happen again. I couldn't possibly believe them. What I'm looking for is an understanding on both our parts of what was lacking and what we need to work on going forward.
(In the example presented by the OP, the training of the other submissive would be the actual lie. What we'd be discussing though is the fact that he didn't feel he could tell me he was attracted to someone else in addition to me, why he didn't feel he could tell me and what, if anything, I might have done to set that belief up as well as what his actions have done to our relationship and what each of us need going forward)
From then on, it's just time spent as we work on those things. This kind of stuff takes time - a LOT of time, and in truth, does set up a fear that never really go away altogether, but when we've had to do this, instead of it being a death knell for the relationship, what it's signaled is actually a strengthening of our common purpose. We've discovered we can weather what has done in so many and that we've weathered it well.
We've discovered that a part of the process of dealing with the fear is to acknowledge it and not give it the power to destroy. From my end, I've learned the fine art of "wait and see" without allowing the fear to overcome and destroy everything (and admittedly, that's sometimes very difficult, but so far, so good.). We've learned that we're not our past relationships and that silence is the killer, not the fear and we act accordingly - without rancor and without accusations and/or defensiveness - to the best of our abilities.
As a result of a lie, I've taken him off his pedestal so that he can be human, not some sort of pretend demi-god who never makes mistakes. He's elevated me in terms of the respect he has for me because I didn't yell and scream (although crying did occur), I didn't back down and I didn't immediately throw in the towel. I wasn't giving up on him and more importantly, I wasn't giving up on us. I didn't accept excuses and defenses and I didn't focus on the actual lie - although I made it more than clear that I would never accept this happening again. He didn't blame me, he didn't expect me to accept lame excuses and as we came to understand things more, he didn't promise me the world but he made it more than clear that he understood. And then... we proved to each other that what we said meant something to us and have so far, lived up to the results of those many conversations. Along the way, I discovered that I rather like men/dominants who can say "I made a mistake" much more than those who proclaim "I never make mistakes."
And to those who equate one lie with somehow becoming some lower life form, more than being perfect, what I want to see in a "true" dominant is his ability to step up and responsibly deal with the consequences of his actions - the good and the bad - whatever they may be. To me, that's the mark of a "true" dominant, and more importantly, that's the mark of a good man.
juliet
|
|
|
|
