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What's Up With That??? - 6/6/2008 11:14:06 PM

Futuresocks

Posts: 112
Joined: 5/25/2008
Status: offline

Mistresses, I've gotta know. It's a burning need: What is up with these suddenly discontinued replies right during the middle of productive exchanges???

It's happened to me 6 times now; a domme PMs me or I PM them and things get started great. I'm not a creep, a flatterer, a jerk one-liner, or a petty time-waster. I am considerate and respectful at all times, careful not to patronize any lady with the title "mistress" unless she has asked ahead of time to be addressed so.

Now, I know people get busy and can't respond right away. I also know that people can lose interest for a number of reasons. But these conversations were on the up-and-up, no sign of either of us being disappointed, as far as I could see.

So what's the deal? About 4 PMs in, I get no responses. Suddenly, they just quit replying altogether. It's happened with six different dommes, so it can't be coincidence. Is this some form of tenderizing or "testing" a potential sub? Please, please tell me what I'm missing here!

I know email is the world's official throw-away method of response, but there are actually people behind these computer screens, and you don't walk away right in the middle of a conversation. And if you decide to drop the conversation, it's only respectful to create some stopping point "Best of luck to you," etc.

So please enlighten me. There HAS to be more to this picture?

Post #: 1

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/6/2008 11:58:46 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Were the conversations too onesided?
I find that after about 4 - 5 emails if I am asking questions and the sub is just answering them, and not asking himself, I just stop. Subs like to be pursued and challenged and investigated but both people have to work. I find myself asking lots of questions and the sub answers and after awhile, he's like "What else do you want to know about me?" If he's not interested enough to offer additional information, or to spark some conversation on his own, forget it. And I think to expect the woman to say, "Do you have anything you want to ask me?" is a cop out -- of course he will come up with questions at that point. I expect him to *want* to ask.
Akasha

_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to Futuresocks)

Post #: 2

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 12:08:08 AM

MissMorrigan

Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

When I have talked with someone online, or off it for that matter, when getting to know them and to ascertain if there is at least some base compatability I will ask them questions but during the course of a conversation b/c it is more important for me to establish a rapport than it is for me to delve into their kinks. A person usually lets another know their agenda within the first conversation and in the past I have also closed a message window when someone I have engaged in conversation has offered nothing but a list of what they're 'into' and it has become pretty clear that their main interest in life is themselves.

_____________________________

The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to Futuresocks)

Post #: 3

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 12:21:28 AM

Futuresocks

Posts: 112
Joined: 5/25/2008
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Thanks, ladies. This has helped tremendously, and you may in fact be onto something.

I honestly never thought about this at all. I am new to this lifestyle, and therefore, a little shy. I have been careful NOT to ask any questions about them and domme-ish compatility because...

1) As dommes, I figured they'd bring it up.

2) They already stated on their profile that the only person they'd consider domming must, say, live near them, and if I don't, naturally I don't mention kinks, but just keep the friendship angle in focus.

3) I don't want to sound like the demanding type who is all about me, so I haven't brought it up.

So I should, I guess, huh? Very interesting!

;)

(in reply to MissMorrigan)

Post #: 4

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 12:46:19 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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You can ask a lady questions about things OTHER THAN KINK!

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to Futuresocks)

Post #: 5

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 12:59:11 AM

MissMorrigan

Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

Futuresocks, we have profiles which indicate where our interests lie bdsm-wise and which also conveys other necessary information regarding location, age, general stats, etc... So what is the most important thing about your interactions with another person? Establishing a rapport. Not once, during my initial conversations with my own boy did we even touch upon our kinks, we were never at a loss for anything to say to one another and conversations were... fluid. I was more interested in him as a person, and vice versa, than discovering what it was he could do for me.

_____________________________

The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to Futuresocks)

Post #: 6

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 1:33:43 AM

Futuresocks

Posts: 112
Joined: 5/25/2008
Status: offline

That's just it. OUR conversations were fluid and going well, talking about our pasts, where we lived, and what we wanted. There were no signs that anything was missing. That's why it has me thrown for a loop.

(in reply to MissMorrigan)

Post #: 7

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 1:39:31 AM

Futuresocks

Posts: 112
Joined: 5/25/2008
Status: offline

And I was. That's what's confusing me. So based on what was said here, the only thing I can imagine is that it was because I didn't ask them questions about whether or not they'd be willing to travel down here and take me into their stables, and such, right? Since I talked about everything else BUT the kinks, maybe that was the problem, no?

A highly literate and articulate person who is a master at making good conversation suddenly not getting replied to must mean something.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 8

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 2:01:12 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

I could give you my standard answers, but first:
If you haven't already, look at each of the last exchanges between you and the six Dommes. Their last email, and yours. If you have already done so, please look again. Can you see any patterns, other than the fact that they abruptly stop messaging you? Any other commonalities between your exchanges? Its hard not to take things personally when of course you are the constant here, but don't.

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(in reply to Futuresocks)

Post #: 9

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 2:18:33 AM

Futuresocks

Posts: 112
Joined: 5/25/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

I could give you my standard answers, but first:
If you haven't already, look at each of the last exchanges between you and the six Dommes. Their last email, and yours. If you have already done so, please look again. Can you see any patterns, other than the fact that they abruptly stop messaging you? Any other commonalities between your exchanges? Its hard not to take things personally when of course you are the constant here, but don't.

Yeah, I've looked at them. No, no commonalities. Nothing stands out except my nice and appealing vocabulary and grammar usage. I appreciate the input--and the encouragement. It is sometimes tough not to take things personally on the net.

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 10

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 2:39:38 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

MMkay, this doesn't answer your question either, its just another bit of good advice:
cast a wider net.
We're (Dommes) constantly bombarded by messages from kajillions of subs the world over, since the ratio of FemDommes to malesubs here is like, one per kajillion. So we have our pick, so we can search far and wide if we want to. You should do the same. Widen your search criteria, (for example the age and geographical parameters) and talk to a bunch of different Dommes concurrently, so that when one loses interest you still have the others to talk to. Make at least one new contact every day or two. Eventually, something will stick. Don't be discouraged!
Confidence, and optimism and patience are very attractive traits. Cultivate them, and you'll do very well for yourself here.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to Futuresocks)

Post #: 11

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 4:33:49 AM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

Hmmm.... That does seem rather odd, OP. I know I occasionally don't answer emails that just don't 'need' replies. Sort of like a lull in normal conversation where the last thing said doesn't really need a "Yes, you're right."

If it makes you feel better - you can go read my "Why are all the good ones taken?" thread where I started out pretty much whining about all the subs that I enjoyed talking to who suddenly stop writing. You say you've had 6 Dommes stop speaking to you? I've had at least 2 dozen subs who lost interest. At least there were 2 dozen more right behind them, so it wasn't a big deal. But I get quite angry when a favorite suddenly develops a Real Life and I become less important to them. It always sucks when that happens... from either side of the coin.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 12

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 5:49:40 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm not sure if I have any good advice for you. I don't do much private messaging here. There are a couple of folks that I've gone ahead and spoken to on other messenger channels, but they are more of a friendship level than anything else. Since I prefer IM to phone, by My standards, that seems pretty low.

The best I can do is give you My perspective of when certain good email communications go by the wayside. I've been disappointed a couple of times by this recently where it has just stalled or stopped. All you can do is keep trying. I know it's disheartening when you start talking with someone and they either lose interest or switch patterns for some other reason. The best I can offer is to keep trying as new people interest you.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MsStarlett)

Post #: 13

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 6:43:05 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

Because there are six, I'm going to guess each one is for a different reason... so I'll give you a few possibles and you know what, probably not much of it is about you.

I find, with men, the more real I get the more likely they are to back off. Talk about meeting, about RT experience or interests in SM and conversation can stop.

For you, there is always potential that whoever you are talking to is a man, if you didn't realize this, be aware of it now. If that's the case a couple more things come to mind -- if you're not getting down to something sexually pretty quickly it will stop.

Sometimes for me, after sleeping on a conversation, I realize that I'm just being polite by continuing it. For me, I tend to say "I'm sorry, I don't think we're compatible." However, some folks just don't know how to say no.

And.. what everyone else said ...

I note you haven't been here long, neither have I. I do know however that good things take time and you may talk to a hundred people before you find one that even goes beyond this place. If you're serious, you might try to find something local as an outlet and place to learn. Coincidentally, you might meet a few nice folks along the way -- now that would be helpful.

Yes, ask questions and keep up the conversation -- this is a number one reason I do not continue. If you don't show some interest in me, some assertiveness that doesn't border on agressiveness, and some intelligence (being curious) I won't continue either. To do that, ask about family, hobbies, books -- RT BDSM stuff,. anything that struck you in their profile... nothing is better for me than someone who read my journal from three months ago and asks me about it. That shows me someone who really read my profile.

There are also a zillion threads in this forum about meeting, corresponding with etc a Dominant female... take a look at them, they are full of the wonderful and diverse knowledge around here.

good luck!

uuuuhhhh.. posted without coffee and I'm not going back to check that it makes sense...

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Futuresocks)

Post #: 14

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 2:39:33 PM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Futuresocks

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

I could give you my standard answers, but first:
If you haven't already, look at each of the last exchanges between you and the six Dommes. Their last email, and yours. If you have already done so, please look again. Can you see any patterns, other than the fact that they abruptly stop messaging you? Any other commonalities between your exchanges? Its hard not to take things personally when of course you are the constant here, but don't.

Yeah, I've looked at them. No, no commonalities. Nothing stands out except my nice and appealing vocabulary and grammar usage. I appreciate the input--and the encouragement. It is sometimes tough not to take things personally on the net.

Futuresocks,
I learned a few days ago that something I'd said to a Domme in one of my messages to her on the other side of CM greatly offended her. She didn't tell me at the time, but essentially quit responding to any further messages I sent. After a couple more posts with no replies, I got the implicit message that she didn't want to continue, but never really knew why. I think I also received one message afterward about something which "she knew I'd understand". Yet, when I replied to it with the empathy and understanding that she appeared to need, again I never received a reply.

Recently, I saw something that I thought would be helpful to her and passed the information on. A week or so later, I sent her another message to inquire about the post she'd sent which "she knew I'd understand". I received a very angry reply; finally learning what had happened which I discovered had been something I'd innocently said without giving it much thought which greatly hurt her feelings. I was very upset to learn I'd hurt her feelings when that was not at all my intent. What I'd said had been either poorly worded, misinterpreted, said out of ignorance, or some combination of all the above. Upon reflection, I can readily understand why it could have been taken that way, causing her feelings to be hurt.

I was also told she'd thought she'd written me with instructions to not contact her again. In my experience with CM's mail system, she could very well have done that and I simply may not have received her message on my end. I feel a sense of sadness that there's no way for me to try to make amends without first violating her space through trying to contact her again.

But this also raises another issue for me anyway. If a woman can't be honest with me when she feels slighted and things need to be set straight or issues resolved, how can we possibly have a healthy relationship should things continue? She didn't save my feelings in any sort of way by not letting me know what I'd done to cause her to end her side of the dialogue. She allowed me no opportunity to try and set things straight from my end regarding where things got lost at that often elusive, ill defined place where the written word loses the ability to convey the facial expressions or tone of voice that face to face communication carries with it.

Her ending things in this way, tells me as much about her as it does me about the mistake I've now learned I made. Sadly, had she communicated it to me, I believe we could have cleared up the misunderstanding she had in the intent behind what I said and moved beyond it. It's not my nature to say anything to intentionally hurt someone's feelings.

It was only by chance that I learned why that dialogue ended. From reading back through the messages, I'd have never figured it out on my own. It seems to me there are no simple answers to your question, only the advice to persevere.

- pixel

< Message edited by pixelslave -- 6/7/2008 2:54:16 PM >

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to Futuresocks)

Post #: 15

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 7:13:05 PM

MistressSybella

Posts: 163
Joined: 9/14/2004
Status: offline

Futuresocks, I must say that this is a major pet peeve of mine, from the other side of the field. It seems that submissives can only pay attention for a certain amount of time and then, poof, they're gone. I have had a collarme profile off and on for years now and this is the main reason why I deactivate my profile and step away for a month or more. The funny thing is, when I first signed up, I put a huge emphasis on commonalities. I wanted to be sure that I had things in common with whatever slave or submissive I took on. Now, I don't look for anything but consistency! Over time, people evolve together, taking on another's interests however, if they don't have the fortitude to stick around day after day, it doesn't matter what you have in common or not.

Miss 'Bella
ServeMeWell

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 16

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 7:18:14 PM

Futuresocks

Posts: 112
Joined: 5/25/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsStarlett

Hmmm.... That does seem rather odd, OP. I know I occasionally don't answer emails that just don't 'need' replies. Sort of like a lull in normal conversation where the last thing said doesn't really need a "Yes, you're right."

If it makes you feel better - you can go read my "Why are all the good ones taken?" thread where I started out pretty much whining about all the subs that I enjoyed talking to who suddenly stop writing. You say you've had 6 Dommes stop speaking to you? I've had at least 2 dozen subs who lost interest. At least there were 2 dozen more right behind them, so it wasn't a big deal. But I get quite angry when a favorite suddenly develops a Real Life and I become less important to them. It always sucks when that happens... from either side of the coin.

Ah cool! I'm not alone! I did read the thread. Essentially the same issue. I pretty much just decided to quit thinking about it as I won't know for sure. :(

(in reply to MsStarlett)

Post #: 17

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 7:28:49 PM

Futuresocks

Posts: 112
Joined: 5/25/2008
Status: offline

Thanks, everyone, for your insights. They were helpful; if may have been that...yes...someone just wanting some "top action" was on the other side and gave up on me. And yes, it could have been that I never got a message they sent, or it could be they felt we weren't a match and were too bombarded with emails to send me the message. In any case, it is the cyber-world, so we can't be too critical and can't jump to conclusions. Your input here has reminded me of that. So, so thanks!

(in reply to Futuresocks)

Post #: 18

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/7/2008 7:38:24 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

I think its called a...hint.

Welcome to CM...

Like others have stated it may take 100 to find the one suitable for your fancy...

Just the ways of online, not for the thin skinned...

Good luck...

(in reply to Futuresocks)

Post #: 19

RE: What's Up With That??? - 6/8/2008 7:02:53 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

Futuresocks, the thing is I might be talking to a bunch of people here about a bunch of different ideas, getting to know each a little bit at a time.... They're all interesting people to me, but it doesn't mean I'm that into them.
So, the Ones who lose interest in you, they're just not that into you. So then don't worry about it when they lose interest. Cast a wider net, and be patient. Eventually someone will be so into you!
you have time now, to prepare. Use it wisely.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to ThundersCry)

Post #: 20

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