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D/s and self discovery - 6/6/2008 11:32:45 PM

Aimtoplease101

Posts: 319
Joined: 2/8/2006
From: San Diego, California
Status: offline

One of the fascinating aspects of D/s experiences, to me, is the opportunity for self-discovery that it presents. I feel that I've learned more about my own psyche, of what I'm capable, and what I'm willing sacrifice through my submission to the Dommes with whom I've spent time.

Do have similar experiences? What have you found out about yourself, or your D/s partner, through the experience of dominance and submission?

Cheers, ATP

_____________________________

Pleasing you pleases me.

Post #: 1

RE: D/s and self discovery - 6/6/2008 11:50:31 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

I have learned, finally, to let go. All my life I've been the one who organises, the one who gets things done, the one everyone comes to for help. I was rabidly independant and believed that if I didn't do it, it would not be done, or at the very least, not be done properly. I went over everyones work, whether at work or at home, pointing out every single "mistake".

Fast forward 10 years and my first D/s experience. I packed him off to the kitchen and told him what must be done. He came to me when he had finished and I went to check on his work. I examined everything and could not fault one single thing and believe me, I went over it with a fine toothed comb!! The joy on his face lit up the room when I told him how pleased I was with what he had done. The next time, I actually sat down and watched a movie whilst he did the washing. I didn't hover or keep peeping in to see how he was doing. I thoroughly enjoyed my rest and also his beaming smile when again he was praised for doing well.

Now I can allow people to "do it" without stressing over their performance in every part of my life. If I see a mistake or a job not done well, I can point it out, help them with advice if necessary, but I no longer believe everyone is hopeless and inept.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to Aimtoplease101)

Post #: 2

RE: D/s and self discovery - 6/7/2008 12:58:27 AM

Celeres

Posts: 166
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline

I've personally learned a lot by myself, but I've learned so much more with someone else. I can gauge their reactions, see what may be pleasurable, or desirable. The reaction is near instant and I can see what I'm doing well. By all means, self-exploration is a good place to start (and even be for a while), but sooner or later, to get any further, one must interact with someone else.

It's much like masturbation--as I learned from school, surprisingly enough.

Masturbation is a GREAT technique to learn about oneself. It's a way to learn about what is pleasurable, what isn't. How to "manipulate" it to induce an orgasm, how to "extend" it by light teasing and which internal muscles to use to "hold off" an ejaculate. There's many more but I won't go on to list the benefits of male/female masturbation.

However, there is a bit of caution to be taken with masturbation. It may seem weird but extended masturbation can be harmful to someone. The most obvious one would be that since everyone is different, you, yourself is now the expert in how to touch yourself properly to orgasm quickly. Someone else trying would most definitely be sub-par because of their inexperience with YOUR interests. So, there's a tendency to withdraw and shy away from human contact.

Albeit, a bit extreme, but there are many cases of death resulting from autoerotic asphyxia.

But, in summation, I agree with you Aimtoplease, self-exploration should be the place to start!

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 3

RE: D/s and self discovery - 6/7/2008 2:21:58 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

For some of us, THIS is our path to awakening. Through our fetishes and our desires to serve or be served, we are called to become who we are really meant to be.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Aimtoplease101)

Post #: 4

RE: D/s and self discovery - 6/7/2008 6:52:56 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I've learned a great deal about myself not the least of which is the following that might seem contradictory.

Using authority wisely is not about doing everything yourself but about using other's power, skills, and talents well.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Aimtoplease101)

Post #: 5

RE: D/s and self discovery - 6/7/2008 7:12:12 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I have found out a LOT about myself. For instance, if you would have asked me a year ago which was more important - being loved or belonging to someone - I would answer completely differently than I would today. Now the feeling of belonging is the greatest feeling I've ever had. (And yes, I know that many of you get both, but for me I had to make a choice.)

_____________________________

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Post #: 6

RE: D/s and self discovery - 6/7/2008 7:15:48 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

I've learned an incredible amount and grown considerably. It's hard to put it all into a couple of paragraphs on a message board, but I'm not really even the same person I was 4-5 years ago. Of course there have been other changes that contributed, such as my divorce and the job I have right now, but I think D/s has given me a blueprint of sorts that has made the changes easier and faster. It's hard to put it into a couple of paragraphs, but I've certainly become more confident and self-assured and far more tolerant of others. I've also embraced my sexuality and sensuality to a much greater degree (boy did that need to happen) and because of that I'm a much more complete, balanced person.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 7

RE: D/s and self discovery - 6/7/2008 7:28:09 AM

MySweetSubmssive

Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline

FR

I came into this because I wanted more awareness of self and other in my relationship, more room for the psyche. I wanted more g-d in my sex (and more sex in my g-d). I've been able to get all of these things.

I've become much more aware of my own vulnerability. I've realized that I can push harder for what I want as a bottom, and that things are best in the dynamic when I am very open as a dominant. I love that inversion. I've become less conventional.

Mss

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 8

RE: D/s and self discovery - 6/8/2008 3:46:53 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

Paradoxically I am far more mellow now that have an outlet for Domination. I used to need to control everyone and get very angry and frustrated. I could be an abusive control freak.

Now that I beat kinky men up for fun, I am so much more easy going in the rest of my life. And a much nicer person.

But most of all I have recaptured the playful sense of fun I had as a child. My ability to use imagination and play was gone for 20 years and I missed it. Being a "grown up" was a depressing, serious business before I discovered BDSM as a creative outlet

_____________________________

<----- Corset, mask and collar designed and manufactured by metalsmith Karl H, chromed and lined in black suede. Masks and collars available from http://www.lucreziadesade.com.au/default.html. Corsets custom made only

(in reply to Aimtoplease101)

Post #: 9

RE: D/s and self discovery - 6/8/2008 4:05:32 AM

SweetNika

Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline

I think that the opportunity for self-discovery is always there. I have learned alot about myself physically, mentally, and emotionally.

The hardest lesson for me has been that there is a fine line between giving of myself as a submissive and codependency.

Blessed be,
Nika

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika

(in reply to Aimtoplease101)

Post #: 10

RE: D/s and self discovery - 6/8/2008 6:27:16 AM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

The hardest lesson for me has been that there is a fine line between giving of myself as a submissive and codependency.

Excellent point! A submissive still needs to have a life of their own to bring to the relationship in order to enrich it as well as to thrive emotionally. They also need it to continue to grow in numerous aspects of their lives and equally important, to retain the abilitly to be an independent person should the current relationship end!

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to SweetNika)

Post #: 11

RE: D/s and self discovery - 6/8/2008 12:08:17 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

My discovery is that I find masochism to lean more towards sexual fulfillment, and I find companionship and service to lean more towards emotional and spiritual fulfillment. It is the latter that I consider more giving, enduring, and fundamental. I will add that there is some overlap that exists (masochism has potential for other forms of fulfillment, service has a masochistic component to it, etc).

I have had various discoveries, realizations, or forms of growth which I attribute not directly to participating in BDSM but to paths I have taken because of my interest in BDSM.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 6/8/2008 12:29:46 PM >

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 12

RE: D/s and self discovery - 6/8/2008 12:19:35 PM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

i've been on this journey for a long time now, and like so many here have learned more about myself than i ever knew i had. In my submission i've found my strength -- strength to handle things on my own (when needed), to recover what ever the two worlds i inhabit toss my way, and the strength to let go and let someone else "do" -- to exchange the power of who i am and accept his strength and control when he wishes. It's been amazing and wonderful and there really isn't anything i'd change -- even the number of candles on my cake..lol.

cheers,
jimini

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 13

RE: D/s and self discovery - 6/10/2008 6:47:47 PM

SnowRanger

Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline

Hello A/all,

I have to ask a question here. Just what is Codependency? This is one of those phrases that must have come about during my lost summer on the Yellowstone fires. I hear it all the time but have no clue what it means. The people who use it can't define it. Clearly, I must have been in some societal/cultural backwater when this term was invented.

Thanks, Mike

(in reply to SweetNika)

Post #: 14

RE: D/s and self discovery - 6/10/2008 7:10:28 PM

chickpea

Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline

Trust was more well-defined in D/S and both of our limits were more exposed, because it demanded and tested more. I found out that I can trust my most sinister kinky thoughts and needs, they were unique to me and didn't have to fit mainstream to be right/enjoyable, found my physical limits were typically less than and how much more my mind wants. Found out that the person I trusted was solid to the core, had so much more strength than i thought, and i was able to trust even more than my initial assumption.

I used to always take care of everything important in life myself and that was what my mom taught me that you will suffer the consequences and only you can be counted on to take care of yourself, but i found out others can be trusted if they were competent have your best interest at heart. Also, the amount of responsibility you entrust to your partner to take care of things in your life should be a wise one.

(in reply to Aimtoplease101)

Post #: 15

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