pandoravampire
Posts: 374
Joined: 12/6/2004
Status: offline
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To pinkpleasures.
I kinda feel that i do have have my house in order. Im quite old and wise these days. So my inability to submit is not that i have 'issues' i need to deal with, more that im not a submissive all the time. Now i know that's thinking outside of the submissive square. Thats why ive put this in general discussion, rather than ask a submissive.
I do not need a rescuer. Im not some damsel in distress. Im a 41 yr old successful business woman. Financially independant etc own my own house, car etc. I do not depend on anyone to support me or my kids. I can do that and have been doing so for 20yrs. The kids have all moved out, but i still need this big house for the fantasy that occasionally, the nest will be filled at holiday times, and when the grandchildren come along.
Personally, i cant imagine relocating to live with ANY dom if you have children that belong to a previous relationship. If things went wrong, god, you'd have to move house, move your kids out of school etc. I dont feel i have the right to risk my childrens security by doing something as dependant/vulnerable/stupid as that. I may want to be reckless with my life, i dont have that right with my childrens life, home etc.
With regards to sorting legals out, well, that's obvious isnt it? thats what prenuptuals are all about. Im not pessimistic about relationships, just a realist. So having your and your childrens finances and security tied up legally, is perfect common sense. If you can afford the lawyer of course.
Your response is a wise one, and many will do well to heed your words. They are common sense. They are however, obvious to me.
Wolfinside: Yes, this topic is rarely talked about. In fact, im not sure that ive ever seen a thread in any site that covers this.
Personally, as a vanilla (but a bloody kinky one), i wouldnt have any qualms taking the initiative, or planning a evening. Yet, despite my Dom saying, i had permission to do this. I never really felt as comfortable as a sub doing this.
Partly as i was visiting things from a sub perspective, which is quite disempowering of my creative imagination. Partly coz he'd usually at some point, take over.
The 'lifestyle' - i never joined in. My promiscuity levels never altered when i met a 'person' not the lifestyle. My morals never changed when i met a 'person' not the lifestyle.
Personally, i would not tolerate my man sleeping with another, no matter how much crap he fed me to say that he was dom and it was normal. I would not be unfaithful to a my dom, because i am a faithful person. Not because he's dom. That was something we both felt, that just coz you want a D/s relationship, does not mean you want to attend clubs and share your sexuality with others. If that's what floats yer boat, then fine, but the 'lifestyle' for me, my man and others like us, means a private lifestyle.
Bdsm has not changed who i am as a person. I have the same values whether im a sub, a whore or whatever? And strict monogamy within my relationships is one of my rules, which in the bdsm lifestyle is given a new name, that of a limit. I like to give 100% to the person im with, and i expect no less in return.
My opinion, which is not based on anything but subjectivity, is that whatever energy you are putting into a 3rd person, is energy detracted to your primary. I dont share my attention, either that i give or that i recieve.
I presume, that if this works, it will be a bdsm relationship, however, it will no longer be 24/7 and no longer D/s. Few people achieve 24/7, im not one of them.
I have kinks and fetishes that are not really mainstream vanilla. I thought it wise to find another who'd not think im a freak.
LadiesBladewing: thankyou for your response. It gives me encouragement. We are a couple that love each other, who care deeply for each others interests. Neither of us, wish to walk off.
My need in life is to have someone i love, who loves me, who is a great friend and lover.
These needs are paramount for us both. We are both dominant personalities, not aggressive ones, neither are we selfish or shallow enough to walk away because our sexuality is in turmoil. Jeez.
Fangs and feet, wearing a collar for play is a great option, thankyou. I dont ever anticipate not playing, and thankfully, have played very successfully since the uncollaring a few times. Not with the collar though. And not as a submissive. Just a equal. Just as kinky, just as fun. I dont anticipate any sexual problems to occur, as i have a libido the size of a house, as does he. And neither of ours is being affected by not being a D/s couple. Its not like we are returning to a bi weekly missionary position shag. The fun menu is still available. But then, ive always liked to be adventuresome and playful with my partners, just its never been called bdsm before.
Perverseangelic: Thankyou for your honesty. I really know what you mean, when you say, you love him as a person more than his authority. And im secure in the knowledge that this guy loves me more as a person, than a submissive. We are a loving couple that live together first. The bdsm is secondry to what we both feel are major needs, that of a loving stable long term relationship.
Why is it that people dont really address the realities of bdsm. I bet if you did a poll of members, very few are 'living the dream'. Most of what people seek is fantasy. Many are bedroom only D/s. Even more are celibate right now and have been for some time.
Vancouver_cinful: very wise, very succinct. I am showing him this tonight. My thanks to you.
I am very fortunate, in that my Dom never stopped me making the first move, often encouraged it. But its like weird how the 'submissive' role affected me. I felt that all of my prior knowledge went out the window! I froze and the session would fade out, stumbling until we'd change things, where he'd take over or id try something different.
It was the submissive title and my reaction to it, that handicapped me. As as top, id revel in the pleasure i could give another, id buzz from it, id be pleased as punch with how satisfied they were, gaining my satisfaction from that. As a submissive, i just couldnt tap into that knowledge and confidence base, it seemed shut off to me somehow? I was paralysed by my interpretation of submission.
As he gets off on sexual domination, im going to have to submit. That's cool, coz thats a very intense experience for me, and one i dont wish to give up. But its only part of my repetoire, not the whole. I gain equally intensity doing other things. Just froze when i attempted them as a submissive. This was my agenda that i could not overcome. Just as some Doms cant be in authority all the time. It doenst make them less, just more flexible. Its all good.
thankyou for the responses. I posted this at the very beginning. I was spinning out a little. Lots and lots of talking since, some really good intimate play, lots of reassurance to and from my partner, that 'we' and 'our' loving relationship is what is paramount, the rest is a plug in.
Working out how we go from now, that will be where my focus is now. Its a little odd changing the dynamic of any relationship. Viewing any pain now as growing pains to the new relationship is a paradigm i like.
pandoravampire
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giving back a collar and surviving? - 
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