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How do you deal with rejection? - 10/29/2005 6:14:49 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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How do you deal with rejection? What are your techniques or tricks of the trade to help you get through rejection?

· I have always felt that rejection was something I feared the most, particularly at a social level. I can remember going to singles functions and sitting in my car outside doing body counts to see if the male/female mix was equal or more of one gender or another. At one time my personal self esteem was not good and thus unless there were more females than males I’d drive home rather than face the possibility of not finding some one to spend the evening and possibly the night with. After I became at one stage involved in network marketing which involved me making canvassing phone calls each evening, I educated myself and found that people are either in a “Buying” phase or in a “non buying” phase. Once I realised if it was the wrong time for a prospect nothing would induce them to be interested in any form of marketing. Thus I developed a technique, which I still use today not only in my wellness business but socially as well. I make contact with some one and they tell me “No”, instead of taking that personally and blaming myself, I remain polite and wish them and theirs a good day/evening and terminate the call with one thought in mine “NEXT!!” and I make my next contact… This involvement in network marketing, I found to be invaluable as it showed me that most things are not as personal as we may think and it helped me both deal with rejection as well as grow from a social low self esteem to be aware of my worth.

· When a relationship breaks up, there mat be a deep feeling of rejection too. The emotional aspect of this is the hardest part to deal with. However the technique of “Next” is still a valuable once you have got yourself together to some degree. You just need to realise that even if you are held responsible for the break-up, you are still a valuable person and some one else will want, need and love you.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

Post #: 1

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 10/29/2005 6:25:17 AM

KCMOLucky

Posts: 121
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Kansas City, Missouri
Status: offline

I have to say my 'technique' isn't all that different from yours. I do wish them much all the best, because I know that any sort of relationship is work, and takes time, and I hate to hear that someone I at least remotely cared about is now in a bad relationship.

I know rejection is part of life. Granted, the amount I've experienced lately has been...uhh, high in volume, we'll say. But I know I'm in no rush, and I'm not looking for a slave to complete me, so that, I believe, helps immensely. When it happens for me, it happens. I thought I've been close, and things just didn't go as planned. So, untill I find someone else that's comfortable with me, and I with them, I keep on doing things the exact same way I did them yesterday.

_____________________________

I don't have PMS, I just disagree with you.

(in reply to IronBear)

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RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 10/29/2005 6:26:40 AM

swtnsparkling

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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when it first happens, i get this awful empty pit feeling in my stomach. i always think whatever caused it was my fault, but i'm not thinking clearly then b/c im hurt. But after few days. i say "his loss" and i move on.

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 3

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 10/29/2005 6:28:52 AM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
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Rejection?

It happens. Clubs, Frats, Parties, Country Clubs, Relationships, Jobs, and such are going to reject you from time to time. It's apart of life. Babe Ruth had the most home runs back in his time. However, he also had the record of strikeing out the most. The more times you keep trying and failing, you increase your chances of hitting the home run. Without taking the chances of being rejected, how are you going to go out and try being accepted? Instead of being down and out about being rejected, you should learn from the past and try things differently. Just think like me. If I'm not wanted, well that bitch or those bastards don't deserve my talent anyway.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 4

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 10/29/2005 8:34:52 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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I get sad, I over-process and see what aspects I might have contributed to it, I remind myself of all the good I have in life and reaffirm who I am...and then I allow things to go as they will go.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 5

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 10/29/2005 11:44:36 AM

girl4you2

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ebp

< Message edited by girl4you2 -- 11/14/2005 1:07:03 PM >

_____________________________

maireann croí éadrom i bhfad. is maith an scáthán súil charad. is leor nod don eolach.
got shoes?

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 6

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 10/29/2005 12:11:34 PM

Padriag

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Joined: 3/30/2005
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I took a lesson from Dale Carnegie (How To Stop Worrying and Start Living). He suggested, anytime you are worried about something, asking yourself the question "What is the worst that can happen?" Because the odds are, the worst probably isn't as bad as you thought. In dealing with rejection, in most cases the worst that will happen is they will say no. Think about that, if that's the worst... that's getting off pretty easy don't you think? I mean, someone saying no costs you nothing, so what are you worried about?

Example: While on a recent trip to Virginia I stopped at my bank there to check on my accounts and make sure everything was up to date. A very pretty brunette was going over things with me and at one point we needed to update my phone number in their records. So I gave her my number and she typed it into their computer. I'd noticed there were no rings on her finger, she was very cute, so I smiled and said, "That's not very fair, you have my number but I don't have yours." She grinned at me sideways and said, "No, I can't do that." She said no... was I crushed, of course not. And besides, she didn't get angry, she didn't scream at me, she did not embarass me in any way. She did smile however. It costs me nothing to ask, nothing if she says no... but it I don't ask, I might have cost myself a date with a very cute brunette.

Break-ups in relationships are a bit different. Mostly I find I end up dealing with missing having the person around, things we did and shared, being able to talk with them about things. Its not so much I feel rejected as it is getting used to that empty spot where they used to be. Whether they hold me responsible for the break up or not makes little difference to me since I take responsibility for what I do anyway. If I screwed up, I already know it and am probably already kicking myself for it. If I didn't, no amount of them blaming me is going to convince me otherwise. I also know that sometimes no one is to blame. Sometimes relationships just don't work out because two people turn out to just not be compatible. I remember one lass like that, Nancy, beautiful girl who could be very sweet... but we were just at different points in our life and had different goals. We broke up and it was funny because we kept trying to soften "the blow" for each other the whole time. I lost track of her over time as we drifted apart... where ever she is, I still wish her well.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 7

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 10/30/2005 5:20:34 AM

starrman3000

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Joined: 6/19/2005
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IronBear ... i found your post to be impressively humble and honest and with sound advice as well. thank you for that.

i am curious ... though not sure if i'll get a valid answer ... whether or not rejection is harder to deal with for dominants. my guess is that it is. and i'm speaking specifically within the lifestyle.

i also wonder if the way a person handles rejection is in direct correlation with their character. meaning: if they become hostile and aggresive ... is this their tendency in the way they deal with stress and possibly every day occurances? or the flip side: if they are humble and gracious ... is that their general way of relating to life?

humbly,
sunshine

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 10/30/2005 5:24:02 AM

sunshine333

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Joined: 8/16/2005
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shoot! that should have been posted under my profile.

tired in the early morning,
sunshine

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 9

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 10/30/2005 8:38:19 AM

greenie

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Joined: 7/24/2005
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quote:

When a relationship breaks up, there mat be a deep feeling of rejection too. The emotional aspect of this is the hardest part to deal with. However the technique of “Next” is still a valuable once you have got yourself together to some degree. You just need to realise that even if you are held responsible for the break-up, you are still a valuable person and some one else will want, need and love you.

That's almost what i do. "Next!". But not quite. The only term i can think of for how i deal with rejection or a break up is i simply disconnect from the situation. When my marriage ended i didn't pussyfoot around and slowly over time give him all his stuff or deal with the legal aspects, i packed up his stuff the day after he left and within the month had the divorce papers ready. i can't sit around and mourn, i have to move on. In my mind i picture it as a chasm that is created between me and the situation. i also like to say to myself, several times, "and this too shall pass".

_____________________________

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 10

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 10/30/2005 3:02:13 PM

Delvin

Posts: 151
Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Is there anything I can or could have done differently?

Doing something differently would it have changed my moral compass?

Were the right emotions and energy placed and in the end did I feel comfortable?

If all off these still point to something out of my control, then I simply file it and move on.
Having control over my failure at something vs. having no control over it is night day in how I process it and file it. Main example, was I rejected for the promotion ? Yes. Okay so what was it I needed to do to get that promotion and I go from there. I use to really beat myself up over rejection in any form, from the conversation with a female to not being allowed in a certain club to not getting that all important promotion.

It took a few years to really understand myself and give myself a break from time to time understanding that not everything is caused by me or is a result of me. Sometimes things simply just happen. Welcome to life. I still find myself humbled by the simplest of things and know that someone really knew what they were talking about when they said the most inportant thing in life, IS life.

D

(in reply to greenie)

Post #: 11

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 10/30/2005 4:58:07 PM

WickedKev

Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline

I have never really feared rejection, I say this not because I am saying it never happens it does and has, but I always say if I am not wanted then I will leaveand always have. As for the rejection of a relationship breakup, I can honestly say am still friends with all my ex's, they know if they need help or advise they can come to me. They have not all been good breakups a lot of hurt on both sides but time heals all wounds and I have never said a bad word about any of them, when people look for fodder against an ex all they get from me is how wonderful they are and any Dom would be lucky to have them. As for the deep emotional feelings I tend to vent by writing poetry that I keep to myself about it. It works for me.

_____________________________

Those who can make you believe absurdities
can make you commit atrocities.
—Voltaire

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong
—Voltaire

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 12

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 10/31/2005 6:56:03 AM

JerryInTampa

Posts: 138
Joined: 2/19/2004
Status: offline

You seem to mention a couple of different rejections.

I typically respond to the casual rejection (eg. I've asked someone out, and they've turned me down) with a polite "Ok". Internally, I avoid putting an emotional investment in a first-interaction; which has actually helped a great deal. You'll see some people use a similar interview strategy: "I won't get the job, I'm going to use this as an opportunity to practice my interviewing skills".

Rejection from an existing relationship is more difficult, and more individual. There's usually a lot of talking, a lot of time with family and friends, and the occasional crying ;)

Jerry

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 11/1/2005 9:22:29 AM

OscarHargraves

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Joined: 8/9/2005
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I'm impressed Iron Bear. I never thought of the idea that way. Thanks for a really good post.

I don't handle rejection very well. I'm still trying to learn better ways to handle it and I appreciate your honesty and your post.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 14

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 11/1/2005 10:18:37 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OscarHargraves

I'm impressed Iron Bear. I never thought of the idea that way. Thanks for a really good post.

I don't handle rejection very well. I'm still trying to learn better ways to handle it and I appreciate your honesty and your post.

Thank you Oscar my friend. If it helped then I am satisfied.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to OscarHargraves)

Post #: 15

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 11/1/2005 1:43:54 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
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It depends on rejection by whom. i fear "social rejection" as in nobody wants to sit with me at lunch; i have had a devil of a time forming any meaningful social network here, and isolation has taken a toll.

i fear rejection by a loved one -- there was a period in my kid's life when she refused to speak to me, and it cut to the quick. Long past, long forgiven.

i fear giving myself to a man, believing and expecting to have a life partner, and losing Him through misconduct or death.

i have experienced all but the last type of rejection...since i have not yet found my One. It rattles me and i think over the events and statements to try and learn something i can carry away, partially to make use of the experience. i talk to my friends, who help me consider this -- as well as reassuring me i am lovable. i wallow a bit, depending, and then -- one day, without warning -- i just relegate the matter to the mental dust bin and go on. Even when it involved my kid, i finally realised she'd come to me if she were in serious trouble, and she must need this bit of acting out...so allow her to have it.

candystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 11/1/2005 1:45:20 PM >

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 16

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 11/1/2005 6:15:47 PM

Chaingang

Posts: 1727
Joined: 10/24/2005
Status: offline

If you get rejected, it is them and not you. It's a fact, and I can explain...

=)

Subjectivity:
1. a. Proceeding from or taking place within a person's mind such as to be unaffected by the external world. b. Particular to a given person; personal: subjective experience.
2. Moodily introspective.
3. Existing only in the mind; illusory.
4. Psychology. Existing only within the experiencer's mind.
5. Medicine. Of, relating to, or designating a symptom or condition perceived by the patient and not by the examiner.
Etc.

Maya:
In Hindu-Buddhist concept, the transitory, manifold appearance of the sensible world, which obscures the undifferentiated spiritual reality from which it originates; the illusory appearance of the sensible world. The phenomenal world of reality can only be perceived behind a 'veil of illusion'.

Now I am not specifically claiming that you must accept Hindu or Buddhist thought, but I am saying that we all know we are trapped in subjectivity - and that the idea of subjectivity would seem to relate very strongly to the idea that we all exist behind our own fog unable to perceive reality except through our own unique perspective. Sure, we all agree on enough of reality that we adopt the view that many things are part of a more "objective" reality - but really we can't be sure. This is one of those half-stupid, half-serious ideas as developed in philosophy and made popular in The Matrix movies - you could be the only sentient being in the universe and the rest of perceived existence might only be a product of your own mind. And you can't really disprove that possibility either, BTW.

So now on to rejection...

When someone sees you they see you through their own lens for reality, their own fog, their own veil of illusion. I don't know what percentage it would be fair to suggest by way of describing how much of you they capture in their vision of you, but the main thing is that they do not see you as you see yourself - they see far less. You know yourself from the inside. You know your strengths and weaknesses. You know the good and the bad and most everything in between. Now maybe it would be too much to suggest you understand and "get" yourself 100%, but let's at least acknowledge that you get yourself to a very high degree. When you look at yourself you may have no head but from the neck down everything is cool (I know, it's weird - the mirror shows you with a head and you know there is no head). You probably like yourself and you are most likely pretty likable anyway (most people are). When you meet someone they obviously don't get all of that stuff about you. They are seeing you as if through a keyhole into your world, trying to shift around and gain new perspectives to capture as much as they can fairly quickly. They might look in and right away decide they don't like what they see, but it's a snap judgment without anything even close to a full picture of you. Without a deeper understanding and without a complete picture, the answer is almost automatically "No."

And there really are other factors at work. There is what may be the real world exerting influences you do not readily perceive. In this case I mean all of those hidden attractors that don't quite bubble up to conscious, subjective reality - stuff like hormones, personal scent, learned behavior, etc - all the fun and games of natural selection. There's hundreds of reason why you might choose her, but there are just as many reasons why she may or may not choose you - and none of these have to be conscious choices, they could all be nature at work trying to keep a population robust and successful as a species. Tall, fat, smart guy gets short, skinny, not so smart gal. Short, balding, super personality man gets tall, full-figured, genius gal. Etc.

But wait, there's more...!

There is also marketing - the plastic fantastic world of Maya as seen through the lens of big corporations trying to sell you shit. In the world of plastic fantastic marketing everyone is highly competent, intelligent and looks like Angelina Jolie all the way to Anna Nicole Smith (for the gals) and like Brad Pitt all the way through Sean Connery (for the guys). Never mind that when people finally saw Anna Nicole Smith be "herself" on her reality TV show that everyone gasped in disbelief at the idea that she might be able to chew gum and remember to breath all at the same time - remember that the plastic fantastic world says she's highly competent, intelligent, and naturally great looking. Forget that her best years for marketing were a product of plastic surgery and drug use - hey, she's highly competent, intelligent, and naturally great looking! Are you paying attention at all?! That's what's out there for you. Don't settle for less, get more! We can help you with various products that will improve your life. Plastic fantastic and all for a dollar...!

So right, there's maybe even an overlay on the overlay: a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a riddle. Welcome to the nested doll of reality. Unpack the one doll and there's another identical one inside, all the way down.

The reason rejection hurts is that it seems a pity. "Hey, she didn't even give me a chance - shot me down in under two minutes..." That's right, that's how it always is with rejection. But that's exactly how it is with acceptance also. With the right person it will probably seem like you hit it off right away somehow. The circumstances might not always be perfect, but you know right away that such a person is an option for you either now or at some future time.

So basically it all boils down to a numbers game, but to catch the right fish you have to keep your line in the water and keep the hook well baited. Put your best you forward every day and that's all you can do. There's thousands of people that can and will get you and like you and everything else. So yes, "Next" until you hear "Yes."

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 17

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 11/2/2005 7:37:58 PM

Jacques1000

Posts: 273
Joined: 10/30/2005
Status: offline

Badly. I think it is just part of being a fragile human being. In terms of BDSM, on one ocassion it affected me badly. I rejected a sub's advances to go beyond a play relationship. She reacted badly. I felt badly about that but I was sure of my reasons. However, we walked in similar circles and I found it easier to avoid rather than try and resolve as I liked (and indeed still do) the person but they cannot get past their enmity. Strangely, I felt rejected by that stance. I was happy to end or continue the play relationship, but her reluctant to let me explain myself was hard to deal with...but wounds heal...

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 18

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 11/2/2005 9:37:13 PM

wipmebeetme100

Posts: 198
Joined: 7/31/2005
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quote:

How do you deal with rejection? What are your techniques or tricks of the trade to help you get through rejection?

Rejection? What is rejection but another opportunity?
I am a salesperson and have been in sales for 25 years.
I have been told "no" more times than i can count...and guess what?
None of the "no's" have killed me yet!

Peace,
cathy

_____________________________

Happiness is like peeing your pants: Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth
~Unknown

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 19

RE: How do you deal with rejection? - 11/2/2005 9:55:59 PM

DesertRat

Posts: 2774
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
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For me, it depends on the context or the scale of the rejection. Little day to day things like not getting called for a project? No problem. Next! Early stage, Intro-level relationship? No problem. Next! Gotta say I used to have trouble with that last one. Indeed, I used to live in mortal fear of simply having a dance request turned down. I worked on those and can safely say I grew right past them.

It's a little trickier with serious, fully-formed relationships. I am not sure if I deal with that level of rejection well at all. I get very upset. I perceive a great big void where the other once was. That void may really be there or it may not but, boy, I am for sure feeling it. I say things I shouldn't but at least have the restraint to keep from acting on my feelings. I must say that this could just be my way of 'processing', but it's not something I am proud of. On the positive side: I work on it and see myself dealing with it better as I age and mature. I guess that's true of lots of things. I have to admit, though, that I am not looking forward to additional training sessions.

Bob

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 20

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