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ORIGINAL: DichotomyPhoenix

So, I was stood up today for the first time in my life.  I guess it happens to everyone who is looking, but it still wasn't a very pleasant experience and it left me wondering how to address the sub in question from here on out.  I'm still waiting on a reply to the message I did write, but in the mean time, I had a question I wanted to ask the submissives on this board.

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ORIGINAL: oblige

I agree with those who say give them a chance to explain, or time to think about it, with your gently occaisionally reaching out to them. I also agree passive-agressive is not a correct term here.

As to your question about a better way to communicate: I used to "date" from online in vanilla. I got stood up sometimes. I then began to emphasize to people when booking a meet the importance and ease of letting me know if they can not make it, even last minute, and they had my cell # so no excuses other than incapacitating illness or death in the family.  In conversation, I also just made it an easy going thing, to hopefully alleviate any nervousness, avoidance or mood change on thier part.

In other words, I make efforts to over-communicate if thier communication seems unclear.  But, I warned no second chances unless the reason was extremely good. Now i never get stood up, and I actually have had a person call and say their mood shifted and they could not make it. Then, we dialoged some more..

Or, as some say, the person may be a flake. It's up to you to discover that. Be well, ~oblige

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ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

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ORIGINAL: DichotomyPhoenix

So, I was stood up today for the first time in my life.  I guess it happens to everyone who is looking, but it still wasn't a very pleasant experience and it left me wondering how to address the sub in question from here on out.  I'm still waiting on a reply to the message I did write, but in the mean time, I had a question I wanted to ask the submissives on this board.

Nope, never happened to me.  I have never been stood up, nor stood anyone up.  But then, if I felt that someone may be avoiding a meeting, I wouldn't meet.  If someone didn't turn up, I would not contact them - that would be pointless because they are more than likely avoid it is they had stood up on purpose, or they will answer with some lame excuse. I would not be addressing them at all - unless I was contacted and given a reasonable explaination, which someone will do if there was a reason and they did want to be there.

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Looking back, there were a few hints that the sub I was supposed to meet today wouldn't be showing.  They went from talking with me in earnest about our meeting to avoiding directly addressing the topic -- that was the main thing that didn't feel right to me.  Does anyone ever feel uncomfortable backing out of a meeting or saying no outright?  Do you try to find ways to communicate your uncertainty without coming right out and saying it?  Would something like avoiding the topic be a hint you might drop?

I have never backed out, but if I did it would be for a good reason and the person would be told.  I have no difficulty in saying no.  And I come out and say if something does not feel right or I have concerns.  Avoid a topic to drop a hint?  No - whats the point?  Something so vague can be missed by people who aren't listening.

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I guess I'm trying to find out exactly what went wrong here before I arrange another attempted meeting between myself and this (or any other) sub.  Anything you can share would be greatly appreciated.  :)

You already answered your question.  You didn't listen to your gut.  You mentioned you felt something wrong, then you should have acted on it.  You should have asked outright if they were uncomfortable if you felt there was something wrong.  Learn for the next time.

the.dark.

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ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

You'll have to realize that, often, what goes 'wrong' doesn't have anything to do with you and is nothing that you can fix or control. So, there may not be anything to figure out!

It happens to the best of us, especially with the online world.

Master Fire

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ORIGINAL: TheEvilBstardsMo

BDSM is not an excuse for rude behavior.  It is no big deal to send someone an email and simply say that you do not want to meet. 

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ORIGINAL: DichotomyPhoenix
Listening to my gut that the advice I appreciate most here - thanks for that.  I guess I wasn't wanting to ask them if they were uncomfortable because I -wanted- them to be comfortable.  I didn't want to think of them as uncertain about our meeting, because I was attached and the meeting not going through could be one of many signals showing that the relationship could not progress/would not succeed.