quote:

ORIGINAL: DichotomyPhoenix

Do you try to find ways to communicate your uncertainty without coming right out and saying it?  Would something like avoiding the topic be a hint you might drop?

I guess I'm trying to find out exactly what went wrong here before I arrange another attempted meeting between myself and this (or any other) sub.  Anything you can share would be greatly appreciated.  :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

I am not the type of person to stand up anybody.  I AM the type of person who will cancel plans (if necessary) and be direct about it.

So... do those go hand in hand?  If you're the type to be a no-show, are you the type that doesn't know how to communicate well? 

Cali

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ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

I believe the term "passive aggressive" gets thrown around a lot when it may not always be the case. For me, your situation is simple. If the person doesn't have a GREAT reason for standing me up, it's our last meeting, and most likely our last conversation. If I can't make a meeting, I'll let the person know. I'm pretty up front about that because it doesn't serve ANY purpose to keep someone in the dark or to make someone show up somewhere and not do the same.

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ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

I've had one or two subs who disappeared when it came to time swap phone numbers or meet (after talking online for 2 months in one case!!). I don't understand it, because it's easy enough to say that you just don't feel the time is right or whatever. I have no problem telling someone that I am doing something else/not ready/would rather talk online longer/etc.

If I was meeting a sub for the first time and he just didn't show or let me know he wouldn't be there, there is no way I'd still be talking to them again. But that's just me. I understand nerves, but that isn't a nerves thing, it's a common courtesy thing that I would expect from anyone.

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ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave

I know I'm a male dominant and all, and this is the "ask a sub/slave" forum.  However, I'm compelled to respond here.  I honestly don't see this as being an issue limit to how submissives behave.   I believe it's more of an issue of general human behavior.

Being stood up by a submissve, or anybody is a bitch.  Even more so when you are faced with the stone wall of silence or avoidance.  I myself would much rather hear the honest blunt truth compared to dealing with the guessing game.  I suck at guessing things correctly, and I don't own a friggen crystal ball. 

Now, here's what I can tell from my own experiences with dealing with subs, slaves, switches, dommes and none lifestylers.  Again, I beleive it's a people problem.

If you find there were tell tale signs a head of time, this means the other person was feeling conflicted about something (who knows what really).   This will sort of link into passive agressive behavior.  Not saying that the person is a complete PA type.  Everybody has mild to slight form of PA behavior from time to time. 

Basically, it centers around avoidence of conflicts from fear.  The person who stood you up might be afraid to share something with you that just might hurt you.  Some people can't stand hurting other people.  Ironic, that there avoidence actually does cause hurt the very thing they are trying to avoid.   The human mind can be a messed up thing at times. 

My advice is to persistent, yet patient with this other person.  When they do resurface get to the bottom of what happened.   Do this before even thinking about trying to set something else up again.  My view personally as a dom, is that I have no control over the unknown.  If I am pushing for something that causes a conflict inside another human being I want to know about it.

What's going on could be any number of things.  It could be they are involved with somebody else,  it could mean that they are afraid of something that will result of meeting with you.   It could mean that they had to be at their Aunt Martha's house for a birthday party that they totally forgot about.   It could mean they got hit by a car, it could mean so many things. 

You are probally pacing about wondering what happened, if you should be worried about this other persons welfare, are the ok.  Are they getting back together with their EX, have they had somebody else on the side.  Did they freak out because they were scared of where things might go.  Some people Squick out when the road of fantasy and reality collide.

One thing is certain, their coping skills where overwhelmed to the point of not being able to communicate with you.

I will tell you this, anybody who has stood me up without explaining it to me, has eventually come back around to me later.  Be it a day or two, a week or even a month later.   In the mean time, be patient, try to engage in communication with them.  Don't try so many times that it causes them to feel threatened.  It only makes them want to withdrawl even further if you call them and leave them too many messages.   Ironic, as it sounds, at times, you need to let it go inorder to get them to come to you and explain themselves.   If they don't ever come back around, then so be it.  

I know it feels like waking up christmas morning to discover somebody stole all the presents out from under the tree.  Where you had so much hope and expectations in what was to happen, what could have happened. 

Just make certain, if and when they come back around.  To find out exactly what happened, the basic truth.  Then go at it from there.

The last person that did this to me, well her and I are friends.  Actually, it was ironic because I was trying to get ahold of her to break things off.   Was not able to get closure right away.  Anyways, that's all done and over with.   I have a good friend out of it all in the end.  Can't really beat that.

Good Luck with what is going on.  Nice profile btw... ;^)

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ORIGINAL: shivermetimbers

I used to walk on eggshells with people, afraid I might hurt feelings, or have my own hurt.  Best way is to be honest, but it can be done with tact.  It's funny, once you can be honest, even if it hurts, people appreciate it.  And don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, you may experience this a hundred times before you meet that one good soul.  You know what you want, keep on going after it. Don't stop just because of a few callous souls.

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ORIGINAL: DichotomyPhoenix

So, I was stood up today for the first time in my life.  I guess it happens to everyone who is looking, but it still wasn't a very pleasant experience and it left me wondering how to address the sub in question from here on out.  I'm still waiting on a reply to the message I did write, but in the mean time, I had a question I wanted to ask the submissives on this board.

Looking back, there were a few hints that the sub I was supposed to meet today wouldn't be showing.  They went from talking with me in earnest about our meeting to avoiding directly addressing the topic -- that was the main thing that didn't feel right to me.  Does anyone ever feel uncomfortable backing out of a meeting or saying no outright?  Do you try to find ways to communicate your uncertainty without coming right out and saying it?  Would something like avoiding the topic be a hint you might drop?

I guess I'm trying to find out exactly what went wrong here before I arrange another attempted meeting between myself and this (or any other) sub.  Anything you can share would be greatly appreciated.  :)

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ORIGINAL: DichotomyPhoenix

So, I was stood up today for the first time in my life. 

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ORIGINAL: cluelessslave

the thing is, what that person did has no bearing on what anyone else might do. it's them, not something you did. you did your part, they flaked out. just expect there will be people who flake out. it comes from their parents feeding them corn flakes when they were kids. there is nothing that can be done about it now. you're not so all powerful that you can make it impossible for someone else to flake out if that is what they want to do. we're all special, like snowflakes.

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ORIGINAL: mzbehavin

That is so rude. I'd not try to meet this person again. Not a good sign.

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ORIGINAL: DichotomyPhoenix

So, I was stood up today for the first time in my life. 

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ORIGINAL: RealSub58

Passive aggressive is not the correct term....

a bit of googling will explain why.  

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ORIGINAL: mzbehavin

Definitely not a sign of real interest. Avoidance actually. And lack of manners to leave you hanging. I'd have showed or said i wasnt ready. Simple.
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