Wife wants to play, but not with me....

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Wife wants to play, but not with me.... - 6/8/2008 7:53:15 AM

bosch

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Joined: 5/5/2008
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I’m posting this to both the “ask a slave” and “ask a master” boards so as to get as many responses as possible. My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and for various reasons we have decided to open our marriage to outside play. Up until now, we have really never delved into BDSM, even through it turns out that we both have predispositions for it. Wife has discovered her sub / masochistic side, and wants to explore. I would have no problems with this, and would love to play with her as well, as I’m Dominant. We seem to have really compatible interests – bondage, flogging, etc. and I’m more than willing to play (the more I see of rope bondage, the more I like it). The problem is... wife doesn’t want to play with me. At first she said that I wouldn’t be able to push her limits or give her the pain she wanted to try. After talking that through (I’m more than willing to push limits) she now says that she just can’t explain why she can’t play with me, other than to say that I’m her ‘safe place’, her protector. Yet, she has no problems playing with others. She was willing to try rope bondage with me once – and once I had her bound she said she started to touch on sub-space and panicked. We stopped immediately. I’m not going to ask if this is normal, but is this ‘common’? Is this something that others have seen / experienced? And if so, how would you suggest that I work to get into that space with her?

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RE: Wife wants to play, but not with me.... - 6/8/2008 8:39:42 AM

JohnWarren

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Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
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You can expect to have at least one of your notestreams pulled as double posting isn't allowed.

In regard to your basic question: It's not uncommon. I know of several couples who play but not with each other.

My suggestion is to enjoy outside play while letting your wife know you are not uninterested but not making a pest of yourself. If she wants it she'll let you know.

Don't continue to ask "why." You might not like the final answer and thing seem to be going well so why derail the applecart.

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RE: Wife wants to play, but not with me.... - 6/8/2008 8:42:00 AM

thespiritedsub

Posts: 25
Joined: 6/7/2008
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Wow. well I am very inexperienced with this, as I am still very new but there is one thing I can tell you.

From reading what you posted I have to wonder if it is a trust issue. Does she not trust you to be hard enough, does she not trust you to still be her loving, caring, protector?

When you both tried the rope play did you have a safe word set up? If so, did she use it? Maybe when she was touching on sub-space it freaked her out a little bit, but perhaps it was sort of like first day on a new job freaked out.

Communication and trust are ley in any marriage, but with this lifestyle it is key. Perhaps as a new sub, as I often tried to do, she is trying/tried to top from the bottom....wanting you to do more but couldnt ask for it...didn't know how...or being manipulative?

Or it could be as simple as she just doesnt think that you and her could really open up to this sort of this type of a relationship and still keep together a good marriage....I am sure more people would have more insight to this...

(in reply to bosch)

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RE: Wife wants to play, but not with me.... - 6/8/2008 9:59:33 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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Is she already in a relationship with a Dom? If so may explain a lot

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RE: Wife wants to play, but not with me.... - 6/8/2008 10:00:24 AM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

It may not be trust, but just not wanting to be 'hurt' by someone that loves her.

Mike

(in reply to thespiritedsub)

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RE: Wife wants to play, but not with me.... - 6/8/2008 11:05:28 AM

cluelessslave

Posts: 29
Joined: 6/7/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: bosch

I’m posting this to both the “ask a slave” and “ask a master” boards so as to get as many responses as possible. My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and for various reasons we have decided to open our marriage to outside play. Up until now, we have really never delved into BDSM, even through it turns out that we both have predispositions for it. Wife has discovered her sub / masochistic side, and wants to explore. I would have no problems with this, and would love to play with her as well, as I’m Dominant. We seem to have really compatible interests – bondage, flogging, etc. and I’m more than willing to play (the more I see of rope bondage, the more I like it). The problem is... wife doesn’t want to play with me. At first she said that I wouldn’t be able to push her limits or give her the pain she wanted to try. After talking that through (I’m more than willing to push limits) she now says that she just can’t explain why she can’t play with me, other than to say that I’m her ‘safe place’, her protector. Yet, she has no problems playing with others. She was willing to try rope bondage with me once – and once I had her bound she said she started to touch on sub-space and panicked. We stopped immediately. I’m not going to ask if this is normal, but is this ‘common’? Is this something that others have seen / experienced? And if so, how would you suggest that I work to get into that space with her?

sounds like she is the dominant one in your relationship. the play with others let's her be herself more, but if she did that with you she would lose control of the relationship. i doubt you can get her to change. she would probably rather end the relationship than give you control.

(in reply to bosch)

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RE: Wife wants to play, but not with me.... - 6/8/2008 1:04:27 PM

MistressSybella

Posts: 163
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Perhaps it is simply a fantasy. Having a "stranger" top her might be something she wants to examine.

I think she trusts you and knows you so well that she she feels she may not get the rush of feeling at risk. For example, it's hard to get the mental high during a knife scene, if you KNOW the other person wouldn't dare hurt you.

Try not to take it personally. That she doesn't want to play with you isn't neccessarily a bad thing. :)

Miss 'Bella
ServeMeWell

(in reply to cluelessslave)

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RE: Wife wants to play, but not with me.... - 6/8/2008 1:11:35 PM

Mzmerize

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/6/2008
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I would say she finds you as her 'safe haven' as she said. She trusts you, she doesn't want to have that trust breached. She is VERY new to this. Maybe, in time, as YOU get experience, she will see that you and she can have this type of relationship. For now, she needs to learn what she does and doesn't like, without fear of hurting your feelings.
It could also be that she does NOT trust you. Were I EVER to do sub stuff, [ain't gonna happen], it would be with my husband, NOT a stranger.

(in reply to MistressSybella)

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RE: Wife wants to play, but not with me.... - 6/8/2008 1:28:18 PM

katie978

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It's entirely possible that your wife doesn't think you're a dominant.
In an effort to please her, you could be affecting a dominant persona, however, I don't think being dom is really something you can force.Certainly, you can tie knots and swing a flogger, but if you're doing that only to please her and appeal to her, then you're really just being a sub with a flogger.
If you're interested in being dom, then I suggest you also try and find alternate play partners, so you can get a sense of what you really like.
If you're interested in playing with your wife, I suggest you talk to her and tell her that it's hurting you that she plays with others but not you.

(in reply to bosch)

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RE: Wife wants to play, but not with me.... - 6/8/2008 5:34:04 PM

PuPpYsLt4mAsTeR

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I'm actually going through this with my boyfriend of three years.

I just... I just can't let him Dom me. I don't want to see him in that fashion. I don't want him to hurt me. I want him to only be my love, my affection...

It's just a line I don't want him to cross.

That, and I can't see him as a dominant, though, when we have rough sex, I don't mind calling him Master if he wants. ;)

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RE: Wife wants to play, but not with me.... - 6/9/2008 4:20:24 AM

LPslittleclip

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the advice i am offering is talk with with you partner open and honesty. be accepting of different ideas and experiences.discuss what each of you feel, find what works. enjoy your journey.

(in reply to PuPpYsLt4mAsTeR)

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