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RumpusParable -> RE: Balance V. Equality (6/9/2008 9:25:06 PM)
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I'm in discussions elsewhere about this very thing. And in trying to talk about it here I wrote a damned novel and deleted it lol.
Short version: I want the opposite of what most seem to want here and other places of similar discussion. I'm not seeking nor consider it a D/s relationship if it's "we're first and foremost and always equals underneath, but with that understood we choose to act like we're inequal". I'm seeking and view a D/s relationship as "we're first and foremost and always inequal underneath, even if sometimes I treat you like an equal".
Compatibility in our desires and styles. "Balance" as you put it, rather than equality. I want X from my perspective, they want the compliment of Y from their perspective.
They don't need to be friends, lovers, romantic partners. Just pleasantly getting along is enough. Mutually enjoyment of meeting our individual needs.
Sometimes they've *been* friends, lovers and romantic partners but those aren't *requirements* for me.
I'm happier the more lopsided things are, the more the balance is topheavy. In truth, it's hard for me to view most of any that are less than 80/20 as even being D/s in most cases. In any group of 2 or more people someone ends up getting their way more than the other(s), just because of the social structuring natural to humans and the fact that there's always that person in the group who cares the most or is more a leading personality. Being in charge most or getting one's way most often isn't the same as being dominant in a dynamic based in power exchange.
Hell, I'm in a dual-dominant non-D/s marriage where I get my way at least 70% of the time. Not because my spouse submits to me, but because of our differences in personality types. I'm uptight, he's not. I *Really Care* about what movie we see tonight, he's just glad to be out with me doing whatever. We're thinking of a vacation 6 months from now? Let me see what the hostel and hotel rates are; compare bus, driving and train costs and schedules; make notes on points of interest and their hours; etc. He starts looking into it a month beforehand and I set up the pie charts of expenses I made to show him when we first mentioned it.
So being the one who makes most of the decisions isn't the definer of D/s to me... it's just the norm, with him and others in vanilla situations, unless I tightly control myself. Which I do and am getting very good at.
I'm happiest when it's as unevenly balanced as possible with clear indications that they are actually submitting to me, and not just caring less. To me, it's not submission if you'd not rather do it another way or at another time. All of us do for other people, on other people's schedules, every day... that's just getting along with other humans, especially those we see more than once in a while. Nor does the fact that I do things my sub or slave's way sometimes when I'm not opposed to it negate my dominance, for that same reason... it's just basic interaction.
80/20 or more, basis of inequality, submission -not just being less uptight than me, but giving over to my way. In return, I give that same to those who are happy the opposite way :)
As it says in my profile and other places, I can enjoy interactions less intense but that's when I'm most comfortable and fulfilled in a power exchange.
And yes, that *was* the short version.
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