Time to punish, and a time to step back...

Time to punish, and a time to step back... (Full Version)

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ProfoundDarkness -> Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/12/2008 2:31:38 PM)
My beloved sub today had not been feeling well, in fact she began to outright disrespect me and yell. When I put my foot down she'd kept going, and as i grabbed her to punish her, she was damn near combative. I stepped out as opposed to letting my anger do the punishment, as i do not want to punish until it is abuse, just discipline. Am i doing the right thing or is it best to just step in and punish reguardless of how she handles it?

shykitty1 -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/12/2008 2:35:38 PM)
taking a step back when anger overrides you is always the best thing. But when you punish later, remind her why she is being punished.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/12/2008 3:14:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ProfoundDarkness My beloved sub today had not been feeling well, in fact she began to outright disrespect me and yell. When I put my foot down she'd kept going, and as i grabbed her to punish her, she was damn near combative. I stepped out as opposed to letting my anger do the punishment, as i do not want to punish until it is abuse, just discipline. Am i doing the right thing or is it best to just step in and punish reguardless of how she handles it? What would you punish? You have to understand and get to the SOURCE of the problem. Punishing at that point would only have been stifling a SYMPTOM of the larger issue. This is why punishment should be done in only very rare and serious circumstances after thorough discussion and understanding IMO. It's quite possible she just can't calm down once she's on a roll- immediate physical punishment will do nothing to solve that issue, it will only add to the fractures and insecure weakness she is experiencing. Try to always do the thing that will make you both closer and stronger together in the long term. That doesn't mean tolerating her shit, it means not just reacting, but operating with best authority for the whole relationship.

DesFIP -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/12/2008 3:26:22 PM)
You knew she was sick and instead of taking care of her to help her get better quicker, you started barking orders? And now you want to punish her for feeling ill? You better learn some nurturing skills, as well as how to punish yourself for not caring about her. Immediately? Talk to her. Because if the reason she ignored you and kept going was that she was nauseous or overcome by a bout of diarrhea or about to pass out, then hopefully you'll know how badly you screwed up. How would you like her to treat you when you're ill? Nag at you for not rewiring the lamp you promised to fix two weeks ago or get you a cup of tea and some Advil? Do the same. Golden Rule, yanno?

MusicalBoredom -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/12/2008 4:05:05 PM)
I don't physically "punish" except for my actual pleasure so it really isn't for punishment. If I'm in a relationship with a submissive then it is my job to bring out their craving to submit and their job to actually do it. If one of us has failed in that then we sort of both have to step back and see what's going on. After stepping back in that manor I have found it was sometimes me and sometimes it was them. My personal expression of my dominance is in being strong not rigid. Now before anyone has to loose their mind this is just me, my thoughts and what I do and not a statement of what is right or wrong.

kinkypuppy2 -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/12/2008 4:44:10 PM)
Respecting her feelings about not feeling well is one thing, If she may be using it as a excuse then put you foot down hard. Feeling "ill" should be no excure for outright striking back at you. If you are a M/s couple and have been for some time then Yes I would severely punnish. Keep in mind her possable health issues and that you are making a measured response based on facts not an emotional reaction. she does need to know its not being tolerated.

SirDominic -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/12/2008 5:40:59 PM)
You did the right thing. A Dom/Master must be in control. If you are not, because of anger, or whatever reason, walking away is the only responsible thing to do.

CalifChick -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/12/2008 7:33:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ProfoundDarkness My beloved sub today had not been feeling well, in fact she began to outright disrespect me and yell. From the clause that comes after the comma, I got this impression that she was having mental issues. Meaning, she was not acting herself and went so far as to start yelling. So was she physically ill, or was this strictly a behavior issue? Cali

antipode -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/12/2008 7:36:01 PM)
Are you new at this? Do you know her at all?

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/12/2008 7:41:40 PM)
Id say partly you did the right thing. Before you punish, you really need to find out wy this behaviour happened. I know, personally, when I have an upset stomach it doesnt cause me to be disrespectful. A cold doesnt make me act seriously differently, though it might make me headachy. There is potentialy a far more serious problem than just her actons, a drastic change in behavior is very often an indicator of trouble. You stepped back and got over your anger at her behavior, now get to the root of it. See if it is something that requires punishment, education or treatment. Punishment does not solve all problems, and if she is your beloved, you are going to want to do what is best for her as well as your relationship. DV

Real_Trouble -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/12/2008 8:18:26 PM)
First, I make it a point never to act out of raw anger unless I genuinely want to harm someone; that would preclude my ever doing it with a sub, so I am of the opinion you made the right decision on that level. Second, however, I think emotional resilience and self-control are paramount for a Dom. You need to be able to always step into the fray or step out of the fray on your terms and under control. So my secondary suggestion would be to work on controlling yourself in stressful situations, harnessing your anger rather than letting it take hold of you, and making sure that she knows and you know that you are the one calling the shots in a thoughtful, meaningful, and firm way. Ultimately, at least in my eyes, the whole point of being a Dom is that you are a controlling and self-controlled authority figure; you've got to be able to talk the talk and walk the walk to deliver on that. Your mileage may vary, but that's how I see it.

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/13/2008 12:42:22 AM)
It's OK to Step back for a moment, any time it get's to be combative to this level where it's not her normal behavior. (meaning she's not a bratty girl type). Basically ability to cope has gone to hell. You have to always factor in the variables of WTF is going on. If she's sick, you should take that into consideration. Just much like an Employer should with an Employee. Fact is when somebody is sick, they are sick, they are not able to function nor perform a task physically or with their heads on straight. Personally, I think you did the right thing in backing off. You don't want to damage her or her trust. Basically us Doms are responsible for the subs safety and welfare and if we can't, they only person that's left is the submissive herself. Call it a last line of defense when it comes to healthy, safety and welfare. That's the brick wall you ran into with her. It's perfectly normal and natural what happened.

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/13/2008 12:43:33 AM)
One more thought, at times the best way to maintain control is in fact to step back. Ironic as that might sound.

chamberqueen -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/13/2008 6:12:10 AM)
I agree with the others; take a break was best for both of you. Obviously, you need to find out what was going on with you sub. I used to joke that when I got a cold my IQ dropped in half. When I am sick - as hard as I try - I don't think as well, tend to get more emotional, and have times when I feel like I simply cannot give any more of myself to anyone but simply need to take care of myself. Add various outside stressors to that and I can be a mess. If it is totally unusual for her to fight back then there are definite signs that something is going on inside of her that you don't know about yet. Personally, I would go so far as to say that maybe even a small gift, like a flower or her favorite food, might even be in order - letting her know that you understand that she is going through something difficult. Kindness can often break down walls that discipline can't.

ProfoundDarkness -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/13/2008 5:38:29 PM)
Not been sleeping well, i have been trying to help her with that, it is making her just drag ass, and she is stessed about a few things that are not small things. but no she isnt like mentally ill. just feeling lethargic and such.

ProfoundDarkness -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/13/2008 5:40:03 PM)
yes, i am new to this, that is why i am posting this quetion, i truly want to improve myself, and do the best i can.

ProfoundDarkness -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/13/2008 5:45:29 PM)
thank you all veyr much. and i wasnt clear when i said went to punish her, i mean i did try to put my foot down in a respectful/verbal manner. i dont get the crowbar out immediately

kiwisub12 -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/13/2008 5:50:33 PM)
My Sir told me when we met that he never punishes his subs/slaves when angry. He waits until he is over his anger, and decides on a punishment, then initiates it at his discretion. For me when i have screwed up, the wait is one of the worst things about the punishment - i feel as if a sword is hanging over my head, ready to drop. And obviously for him this is one of the good things about waiting. For me, i have an incredible feeling of safely that he will never harm me while angry.

ProfoundDarkness -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/13/2008 7:03:54 PM)
That is why I walked away, I have done things that... I regret when angry. Of course I have never done anyting to my sub, but I am not about to start. I have decided that I will hear her out before any correction, and hear her side of the story. I care for her, and if she feels like somehting is not right, I would be neglecting her by not hearing her out. I feel this will build trust

sunshinemiss -> RE: Time to punish, and a time to step back... (6/13/2008 7:55:03 PM)
Hi there PD: well hmmmm... My Sir told me to do something and I'm really tired now... and I get whiny when I've got insomnia. He doesn't like whiny. Now what has also come up is that the task he gave me is really too big for me... I have some kind of emotional mental block about it, so he's helping me break it down into smaller... and he's going to help me do it. *It's just going to the gym and signing up for a trial membership, but I get scared in groups of people I don't know... and it's worse when I'm tired. He could have gotten mad when I whined, or when he found out I didn't do what he told me to do... or he could find the underlying reason... I know lots of really smart people here told you that above (LA, DV) but this is an actual example. You were absolutely right to step away when you were angry.... and I applaud you for realizing it and asking for some feedback. Sounds like you are doing well. Good luck, sunshine

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