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Experience discrepancy - 6/13/2008 9:22:35 AM

SeattleDom118

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline

I was speaking with a submissive yesterday. Things went well for quite some time, we were both becoming interested in the other, but then things fell apart. At the time I couldn't have told you why.
Later when I thought about it, I realized my confidence had faltered when I learned she had many years experience in the lifestyle , while I've only had a few. She has had partners serious about BDSM, while I have only found timid ones, who were unwilling to push themselves, or me.
That I let this get in the way disturbs me, it seems a catch 22 situation, and I am not sure what to do about it, or if there is anything which can be done.

Thoughts?

Post #: 1

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/13/2008 10:06:42 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Never let on about weakness, or the bdsm clowns will come and eat you while you are sleeping.

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Post #: 2

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/13/2008 10:15:00 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

Yeah this seems to be your issue, from the way that you wrote it seems that it was you that felt uncertain due to your percieved inexperiance in comparison to her. Its similar to the old how many sexual partners have you had, no one wants to know the real answer so most people make it up. I always think its sad that we talk about our preferance/oriantation/interest as though its an employment opportunity if you like someone then see how it goes it may or may not turn into the thing that you want, its no differant from anything else, finding a partner is hard enough without putting up your own walls. Of course sometimes inexperiance CAN mean incompatability sometimes there is a differant mentality about what it all means to them which can be a hard mountain to climb but in and of itself its not that huge an issue, unless of course we are talking about specific activities which this post doesnt seem to be.

You have to realise that when you meet someone you are BOTH starting from scratch with each other, you wont be the same as her exs and neither will she. Dont beat yourself up if she has been with more people or longer, you are unlikely to meet someone with the same experiances as you as long as you get on and want similar things then wheres the issue. Good luck.

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(in reply to SeattleDom118)

Post #: 3

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/13/2008 11:16:49 AM

metalmiss

Posts: 341
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: Croydon, UK
Status: offline

my advice - don't let it get you down.

If you start focussing on the fact that you haven't had the experience you would perhaps have liked it will effect your confidence in yourself.. and that is never a good thing.
We all start somewhere.. Not only that but each and every partner you encounter is a whole new experience.. New likes, dislikes, reactions, wants, needs, everything. Each time we start again, we really do start again.

If you want a confidence booster have a look at the scene in your area, start attending demos and workshops on subjects that interest you, get involved here on the forums, its always good to build up a knowledge base about how to's & safety aspects for your areas of interest, even if you currently have nobody to explore with per se.. It could help to make you a lot more confident in yourself and give you some fun ideas for when you do find what you seek.

Good luck x

_____________________________

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(in reply to SeattleDom118)

Post #: 4

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/13/2008 11:21:59 AM

thespiritedsub

Posts: 25
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline

everyone was once inexperienced. Be ok with it for yourself and find someone who is ok with that about you

(in reply to metalmiss)

Post #: 5

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/13/2008 11:23:34 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

I can relate to the op. I came across a slave that blew my mind with the experience she had over me. I turned her into my mentor and had her teach me as much as she could.

(in reply to metalmiss)

Post #: 6

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/13/2008 11:26:30 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Your confidence faltered, and thats what caused her to lose interest and things to fall apart. You have to be confident in what you can do, and willing to learn what you havent done yet. It isnt a weakness not to have experience, it is a weakness not to want to get it. Dont concern yourself with what others might know that you dont and try and compete. Rather, when they are into something you havent learned much about yet, ask them if they would be willing to show you the ropes, so to speak. You can learn quite a bit from an expereinced sub.

DV

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(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 7

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/13/2008 11:52:38 AM

Viridana

Posts: 754
Status: offline

When I started my partner had already had 10 years of experience. I was like you a bit overwhelmed and unsure of my position, would I be a lousy partner etc. When we had been playing regularly for quite a while, with him of course teaching me a lot, I started to make suggestions on doing scenes that had been in my fantasies. Turns out that he, regardless of all his years of experience, had never really done any of those things that I was into. So it doesn't matter how many years you have under your belt, or how many partners, a new person means a whole new experience and a whole new playground.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 8

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/13/2008 12:15:09 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

I agree!

They chewed of my wankin` arm...

The bitches...

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 9

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/13/2008 12:18:52 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Maybe this is your issue, maybe hers, but probably some of both. However, the things we have done is less important than the people we are. Someone who is the greatest needle top in the nation may still not have any experience in rope work. And his technical skills say nothing about his ability to sustain a relationship.

In addition, in any new relationship we are all newbies. New to learning about each other, getting into each other's heads, discovering compatibilities and noncompatibilities. And those are the things that matter, not how many times we've swung from chandeliers.

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Post #: 10

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/13/2008 3:58:57 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

You are who you are. You cannot fly before you crawl, meaning experience only comes over time. That someone finds you not a match isn't a comment about you, your abilities or confidence, but about them and their reactions to things around them.

Your best bet is to get out into your community and learn all that interests you...and some that doesn't. I bet if yo do, along the way, people will show up who do match you.

Master Fire

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(in reply to SeattleDom118)

Post #: 11

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/13/2008 9:20:04 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

You aren't alone in that feeling. I run across men who have that same concern all the time. It always ends up with them moving on to fresh undiscovered land, or them asking if I will top them to show them the ropes.
People look at years and don't even consider it may have been with one partner, or a couple more.
It is just as frustrating from the side of someone who does have experience, if you happen to be sub.
Kyst

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pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
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(in reply to SeattleDom118)

Post #: 12

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/13/2008 9:49:56 PM

SeattleDom118

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline

Thanks for all your thoughts, some have been helpfull.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 13

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/14/2008 12:53:56 AM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

A story: I was once dating a woman who told me she was into bdsm, and she really liked me and wanted to introduce me to the lifestyle. She had tied a couple of boyfriends up in the past, and she really thought I was the cat's pajamas and would like to try it with me.

I had a really hard time telling her that a few years before I met her I had been kept in a cage every night by my previous Mistress who owned me for four years and had zero problem going at me with a single tail or bullwhip (if I was really bad). So I let her tie me up, and she "taught" me bdsm. Yeah, I know. I feel bad about it even to this day. Really, I do.

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Post #: 14

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/14/2008 1:24:34 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

She may have had much more general BDSM experience, however, she is as new as you are to a BDSM relationship with you. Each relationship is unique and different.

(in reply to SeattleDom118)

Post #: 15

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/14/2008 2:16:00 AM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

When did this all become about experience and who knows what? Learning together can be fun!! You might have had ideas that she's never experienced, she would have had known things you never heard of.

As Raymond said, lots can be learned from each other. And really, try not to take it all seriously. Sharing can be the biggest turn on and create the deepest intimacy, whoever you are sharing something with.

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(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 16

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/14/2008 5:40:48 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Never let on about weakness, or the bdsm clowns will come and eat you while you are sleeping.

That's just creepy and wrong...and totally untrue.

You need to be honest, or you'll sabotage yourself via this confidence drop every time. I've played with a lot of people; Sir had much less experience than I did. In the end, it didn't mean anything.

However, had either of us tried to BS the other on the experience, it would have sunk us. Just be confident in your truth, what ever it is.

PL

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
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(in reply to SeattleDom118)

Post #: 17

RE: Experience discrepancy - 6/14/2008 5:51:07 AM

TheEvilBstardsMo

Posts: 41
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

You let yourself get less confident. But, I think recognizing this will probably take care of the problem. Just because someone has experience doesn't mean that someone with less experience cannot contribute. We are always learning. Don't allow your light to dim.

(in reply to SeattleDom118)

Post #: 18

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