A bit about Safe words.

A bit about Safe words. (Full Version)

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Gwynvyd -> A bit about Safe words. (6/14/2008 3:04:41 PM)
Some like safe words.. some do not.. some say you use it.. and your out in the cold... What are your feelings about them.. and what is or was your safe word? I find that people chose interesting words that mean something to them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Personaly I like safewords... my 2 boys do not have safewords.. we use the redlight system. They trust me to not lose my mind... and have never had a need to utter anything other then the usual lovely things. As a sub and a switch I have had need of safewords when I did not have a Dom I had known for ages and was not utterly sure of them. It was for my peice of mind mainly... ( not that a word would stop a lunatic.. I know that ) but I never needed to use them.. They were always there just in case. Mine when I was sub was "Buttercream" I was a butter fairy in a previous life.. I just know some bitch squiched me on the bottom of her bucket. sighs I do so loooooooove butter. One look at my hips.. and you will know I speak the truth. Later on as a switch it was/is Hyacinthe ~ a tip of the hat to Phedre no Delaunay in Kushiels Dart books. For me there is a freedom in the pleasure pain gives me. It can be a healing factor in my life. It is also a very spiritual thing for me. Gwyn

cantilena -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/14/2008 3:20:16 PM)
We use the color codes, but as mentioned in another current thread (I think in the Mistress section), I can't imagine ever calling "green". I've never used any of them, but they do substantially free up my vocabulary for words like No and Stop. It's just us, though. Some use them, I guess, and some don't. Depends on the couple I think.

Puppy4goodHome -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/14/2008 4:47:01 PM)
i don't have a safe word i have barks and pitches and hand signals that i use I will use the RED GREEN Yellow light pattern if i am playing with somone knew or until somone knows me where i don't need to use those or my hand signal but i have different pitches and tones barking and howling for instance a high pitch means i love what is happening a low pitch is green for more whimpering short whimpers are i don't like it but I'm OK long whimpers is red better stop or ill bite LOL 2 fingers up for a hand signal on each hand means stop which ever direction i point my fingers tords means over a little or lighter on that side things like that it takes awhile for somone to read me i love gags but will not let another gag me until we have played at least once or we have sat and talked for a good long time to know what is going to go on and what means what

ProtagonistLily -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/14/2008 5:17:38 PM)
quote: Some like safe words.. some do not.. some say you use it.. and your out in the cold... What are your feelings about them.. and what is or was your safe word? I find that people chose interesting words that mean something to them. We don't use them in their commonly used sense. We've been together for 3 years, we only play with each other and we have not found it necessary to have 'safe words'. We will, on occasion use 'Red/Yellow/Green'. PL

Puppy4goodHome -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/14/2008 5:45:31 PM)
like i have said in a few posts in the past a dom or domme should know there sub slaves bottoms limits know what is reached and know when it is time to stop keep an eye on there pet make sure they are ok and dont need to safe word out but also make sure the pets know not to try and be a hero and not use there safe word if they realy need it dont want to end up in the hospital

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/14/2008 5:59:37 PM)
Essentially I believe safewords are not for novice usage. I think most people use them incorrectly and thus make them more dangerous. I prefer if direct communication can be used, to use it. http://www.collarchat.com/m_97589/mpage_1/key_safeword%252Cpunishment/tm.htm#97662 safewording during a punishment http://www.collarchat.com/m_600704/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#600756 forgetting the safeword http://www.collarchat.com/m_563513/mpage_2/key_safeword/tm.htm#563814 Safeword usage over time http://www.collarchat.com/m_355604/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#355604 Safewords are NOT for novices! http://www.collarchat.com/m_232414/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#232414 safewords? http://www.collarchat.com/m_228130/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#228130 safeword http://www.collarchat.com/m_137937/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#137937 Forcing your sub to safeword? http://www.collarchat.com/m_131432/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#131432 Safe words http://www.collarchat.com/m_93603/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#93603 Overuse of a safeword? http://www.collarchat.com/m_69981/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#69981 safewords not allowed? http://www.collarchat.com/m_14335/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#14335 should a slave in training be allowed safewords? http://www.collarchat.com/m_668940/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#669011 The use of safewords http://www.collarchat.com/m_679370/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#679401 safe words: To use or not to use

AquaticSub -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/14/2008 5:59:55 PM)
~Fast Reply~ We have one. It's been used once or twice in 2 and a half years. We can barely remember it most of the time. Most times when I'm scening with others I simply say "Too hard" or whatever I need to say. However, no one has managed to convince us that Valyraen and I shouldn't engage in the intense rape and primal play that we so love where I'm fighting him with everything I've got and saying "No". It's for those times that we have a safeword, when "You're hurting me!" means "I'm so turned on" and doing it any other way just isn't as much fun. But hey... I regard any word that has the effect of stoping the scene, pausing the scene, or slowing it down a safeword. Be that "No", "Apple", "Fuckudders", "Yellow" or "Let me go or I'm fucking calling the cops".

pixidustpet -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/14/2008 6:33:26 PM)
i've used safewords twice i think...and both were for medical-type reasons. i cant breathe when i'm lying on my back and not panting/gasping for air/moaning. i just dont get enough air in my lungs if there isnt some strenous breathing going on, i stop breathing and cannot get started again on my back. Fallcon knew this, Daddy knows this. both times i ended up kicking my dominant and they fixed me by sitting me up immediately. once i breathed in i was crying "red, red, red!!!" and i was comforted. the good ol yellow/red system is enough for my needs. that and being tied in a way that if its urgent, i can release myself. having a dominant that listens and watches your reactions is worth more than all the safewords in the world. kitten, just my $.02, you know.

DesFIP -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/14/2008 6:37:27 PM)
I have a gesture because I'm gagged a lot so I can't just tell him that a limb is getting cold. Ungagged, I could tell him but gagged and tied I need to have a way to communicate. Although if in emotional distress I can't even use the gesture, it simply doesn't occur to me. At those times I'm dependant on him to read my body language which he does quite well.

Sandyshores29718 -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/14/2008 6:45:55 PM)
fast reply With my first play partner my safe word was blueberry pancakes. haha quite a mouth full, huh? Never had to use it though. But it did make ihop a lot more fun. With my play partners now if its nothing serious but just play time i like the stop light system. though i dont say green lol

lilacs -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/15/2008 4:39:52 AM)
~FR~ We have the stoplight system in place. On the whole, I feel more comfortable using full words if I'm able to. The red-yellow-green is there for when words fail, but I would rather say "Sir, I'm feeling faint, I need to lay down, please," (which I have).

Gwynvyd -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/15/2008 5:01:01 AM)
Thanks LA for the related links. I dont think there is anything wrong with safe words.. hand signals, or the redlight system. We all hope our Dom/me is paying attention and knows the submissive well enough to know when to change things, comfort or stop. Some times medicaly nessasary changes need to be made.. or emotional flags are raised that need to be dealt with immediately.. and I think it these are great tools. Esp. with casual play partners.. or those just starting off in thier relationship. I know when I have done edge play on my pet ( blood play, knife play, breath play ect. ) he has always trusted me..but he knew he had an "out" if he needed one... or a way to slow things down and work it out in his head. I wish you all safe playing! Gwyn

pinkwind -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/15/2008 5:26:55 AM)
We have safewrods and signals in the same way as we have insurance policies. We hope we never need them,but would be daft not to have them. i often wonder, for those who profess not to have them, let alone use them, do you have home contents, life or drivers insurance? If so, why?

Shawn1066 -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/15/2008 8:13:18 AM)
I don't think anything is wrong with safewords, but I do not have one for a variety of reasons. I think a safeword is probably most necessary if you play with various people casually, which I don't. I also don't use a safeword because I fully trust my partner, and she knows when I'm handling something badly well, well before I do. Some submissives/slaves might not even realize they're handling things badly, so its always the Dominant's responsibility to keep an eye on her/his partner as well. They shouldn't just wait for a safeword, because some people can be stubborn and try to ignore their feelings. I also realize that, even if I did have a safeword, it's not a magic word that will save me if somebody had me tied up and really wanted to do some harm regardless of your feelings... Saying "banana" over and over again wouldn't do much. Which is why you should really screen people before you do play with them casually. A safeword is no substitute for common sense and communication. Not saying they're not OK for some, that's just why they're not OK for me. DV's Fox

kiwisub12 -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/15/2008 9:02:53 AM)
My Sir and i don't have a safe word - but when we first started playing i did. He took it away from me fairly quickly once he realised that i could handle pain.( i didn't know because i hadn't ever played before). Now if things get too intense i beg - a lot. He will usually take it down a knotch or two at that stage. Safewords to me are a safety net for subs/slaves. It allows us to feel more secure in scenes, that we have a mediocum of control over what is going on. Until we trust the dom that is scening us, that is a good thing.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/15/2008 9:07:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kiwisub12 My Sir and i don't have a safe word - but when we first started playing i did. He took it away from me fairly quickly once he realised that i could handle pain.( i didn't know because i hadn't ever played before). Now if things get too intense i beg - a lot. He will usually take it down a knotch or two at that stage. Safewords to me are a safety net for subs/slaves. It allows us to feel more secure in scenes, that we have a mediocum of control over what is going on. Until we trust the dom that is scening us, that is a good thing. What about the slaves who do not want a safeword but are ordered to have one by their master because THEY want the slave to communicate? Again safewords only control the scene if the top allows them to. If you communicate "red" and red in your relationship means "Somethings really wrong" and the top stops and checks it out....how is that any more controlling than shrieking "somethings wrong" and the top stops and checks it out? Again people make safe words into all sorts of thigns that they aren't- hence all the discussion.

rubberpet -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/15/2008 11:40:07 AM)
If I play with someone, it means I trust them a great deal and I have faith in their knowledge and skill. With that being said, I prefer not to use safe words because I like to feel "helpless" to my captor...if that makes any sense. While I know they will stop if something is too much for me to handle, it's all in the mindset of being "at their mercy". I'm fairly easy to read, though. Even though I'm not a masochist, I can take quite a lot of pain with barely a flinch. If things are going well with me, I'm usually a mute or I moan/purr incessantly. If something is bordering on too much to handle, I tend to growl very deeply because I'm trying to psyche myself up into a rage so I can endure it. For whatever reason, working myself into a rage helps me endure so much more. Then I'm at the point where I'd rather have my arm cut off than tap out...lol.

TheEvilBstardsMo -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/15/2008 11:42:35 AM)
Thanks for your post, Shawn. I remember when I first entered BDSM and was talking to a Dom about safewords. My feeling was that I was completely and utterly safe when having these in place. He tried to explain to me that one can have the best safe words in place but won't save you if someone wants to cause you harm. It took a few conversations to get this through to me (since I was truly believing that safe words would be followed in this BDSM world).

chellekitty -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/15/2008 2:59:50 PM)
my two cents.... safewords are just one means of communication...i use the red/yellow system...and i suppose green by default - but "are you doing anything yet?" works much better for me...or what was it last time.."you're not hurting me" - anyway, red meaning stop everything, end scene, yellow meaning i need to communicate something, may i please have your attention to do so...i have used this in casual play and in relationships...i suppose i have the benifit of using this system for going on 7 years now in a variety of situations and relationships so it has become as ingrained in my brain as opening a door before i walk through it...that is to say, no it is not as easy as breathing...but it is not so complicated that i am not going to be able to do it if i am in panic mode...though i have seen people run into doors while they were in panic mode...so...perhaps not so great an analogy for everyone...anyway...it is not the end all and be all to communication in a scene, but it is one means of such....and why would i eliminate one means...and most of the time, it is the Dominant, not i, who insists that i have a safeword...then again, not all s-types need permission/orders to tell the D-types when it becomes more than they can handle... chelle...

beargonewild -> RE: A bit about Safe words. (6/15/2008 4:01:46 PM)
I find I am ambivalent regarding safe words at this point. I can see where many prefer using some sort of a safe word system with their partner and know that many feel they don't need any as their partner knows them well enough that safe words aren't necessary. Personally, I will use an agreed upon safe word with the dom I am playing with if it is something he is acclimated to doing. With my regular play partner/Sir, he knows me well enough to gauge when a situation is becoming too intense for him or me or for both of us and we either need to slow down or stop. This is where we have a clear line of communication open between us. Usually when I find I can not take anymore I will say NO. I've found that is effective as anyone who knows me knows that when I say no it means no, period. As of yet, I haven't been in a situation where I wasn't able to verbalize, mainly as I will not allow myself to be gagged. Having my breathing restricted will cause a panic attack and it's safer for everyone involved if that issue is left well enough alone.

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