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RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/15/2008 4:08:36 PM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkwind

We have safewrods and signals in the same way as we have insurance policies. We hope we never need them,but would be daft not to have them.

i often wonder, for those who profess not to have them, let alone use them, do you have home contents, life or drivers insurance? If so, why?




no home contents insurance
no life insurance
bare minimum drivers insurance.

in this state they have mandatory insurance laws for driving and you can lose your licence/vehicle for not having it.  its not my truck, so he keeps the insurance so i can still drive it.  at least till friday.

the others, we just couldnt afford.  yeah, i know, its gonna suck to have to replace things if there was a disaster, but when the choices are insurance or food on the table, guess which one wins?  especially with a hollow-legged teendaged eating machine in the house? 

kitten

(in reply to pinkwind)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/15/2008 4:53:55 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkwind
i often wonder, for those who profess not to have them, let alone use them, do you have home contents, life or drivers insurance? If so, why?


If I was the only driver on the road I would be in total control - much like I am as a dominant - and would opt not to have automobile insurance if given that option. I only carry auto insurance because I must and because is it wise since I share the road with other drivers who drive like they are the only person on the road.

We don't use a safeword but I'm pretty apathetic about the topic. If someone else uses them that's fine. I really don't care.

I see safewords differently from the way most people see them. I monitor her closely while we play. If she gets in a bind (pun intended) she can tell me or let me know. The less able she is to communicate her condition the more intently I monitor her. If she lets me know or I see her in distress I'll address the issue but it does not necessarily mean play will stop. I assess the situation and make the decision. Believe it or not we've gotten in a few situations where I stopped play when she did not want to.

To me a safeword is - boom! - stop this right now at the discretion of the submissive without condition and for any reason she chooses including that she just doesn't want to do this any longer. That behavior does not fit into our dynamic by mutual choice.

That's why we do not use a safeword.


(in reply to pinkwind)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/15/2008 6:40:07 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Pink I don't need a safeword because if something goes wrong I just SAY what's wrong.   And if I'm in a state where I can't say or don't want to say what's wrong, no amount or type of safeword will help.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 6/15/2008 6:46:24 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/15/2008 6:48:58 PM   
pinksugarsub


Posts: 1224
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd

Some like safe words.. some do not.. some say you use it.. and your out in the cold...

What are your feelings about them.. and what is or was your safe word?

I find that people chose interesting words that *mean* something to them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Personaly I like safewords... my 2 boys do not have safewords.. we use the redlight system. They trust me to not lose my mind... and have never had a need to utter anything other then the usual lovely things.

As a sub and a switch I have had need of safewords when I did not have a Dom I had known for ages and was not utterly sure of them. It was for my peice of mind mainly... ( not that a word would stop a lunatic.. I know that ) but I never needed to use them.. They were always there just in case.

Mine when I was sub was "Buttercream"

I was a butter fairy in a previous life.. I just know some bitch squiched me on the bottom of her bucket. *sighs* I do so loooooooove butter. One look at my hips.. and you will know I speak the truth.

Later on as a switch it was/is Hyacinthe ~ a tip of the hat to Phedre no Delaunay in Kushiels Dart books. For me there is a freedom in the pleasure pain gives me. It can be a healing factor in my life. It is also a very spiritual thing for me.

Gwyn


Humm..now this is interesting.
 
i thought that 'red', 'yellow' and 'green' were pretty commonplace.
 
Course, i've also found that 'stop that sh*t right now' works too, lol.
 
pinksugarsub

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/15/2008 6:58:29 PM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkwind

We have safewrods and signals in the same way as we have insurance policies. We hope we never need them,but would be daft not to have them.

Insurance policies help to restore things back to "normal" after an incident.  Safewords do no such thing and anyone who thinks they are even remotely similar is only deluding themselves.   If you get a cramp during a scene and call out your safeword, does that magically fix your cramp?  Does it gain you anything more than yelling "thigh cramp!"?

The latter tells your top/Dom/whatever EXACTLY what the issue is.  Why use dumbed down communication?  I know safewords are all SSC and happy fuzzy cuddly and what not, but come on.

~stef



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(in reply to pinkwind)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/15/2008 8:37:03 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
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quote:

If you get a cramp during a scene and call out your safeword, does that magically fix your cramp? Does it gain you anything more than yelling "thigh cramp!"?

The latter tells your top/Dom/whatever EXACTLY what the issue is. Why use dumbed down communication? I know safewords are all SSC and happy fuzzy cuddly and what not, but come on.


it changes the situation when yelling "thigh cramp" or "my hand hurts too much" or "you're hitting the wrong spot" (as in where a bone is on the surface or a muscle was pulled) gets a "thats nice" and continues on response, where as a safe word "yellow" and then the problem is talked about and the thigh cramp is allowed to be stretched out or the cuff/tie is loosened or released or they move to a different area...

i realize that not everyone plays with non-consensual consent...but for those that do, there is a tool that allows for the sub/bottom to tell the other person that, hey, this is not part of the scene, there is something really wrong here...because "ouch you stupid asshole, that fucking hurt" really means "oh baby, do it again" in my scenes...and *sob* "i can't take anymore" means you better not stop because i am 30 seconds from cumming and btw, i need permission to cum...

sorry, i don't play all warm and fuzzy and cuddly...

chelle


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(in reply to stef)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/15/2008 11:41:45 PM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Hi Gwyn, I posted this over on the Ask a Mistress board, so thought I would apply it here too:

I have seen, firsthand, how reliance on safewording has been to the detriment of the submissive and for a number of reasons - Guilt, not wanting to 'let down' the dominant; Feeling they don't wnat to 'let themselves' down and therefore not use one; Inability to actually use one where the endorphins are flying and they are no longer capable of making a coherent decision; training someone to the point that the use of one specific word to stop a scene does nothing to convey what a problem is, only that there is one and as a result, there are dangers of causing further harm; Forgetting what the actual safeword is entirely.

I prefer 'open communication', using my experience, coupled with their own, to evaluate what I consider is enough for them and this has been no different for me whether that person has been a casual play partner - I've always taken my time to get to know a person and evaluate them, or whether I have been in a relationship with them.

Their safety takes precedence over their desires to be pushed and on occasion, I've had to stop a scene because I've felt they would not be able to process the sensations/emotions positively - much to their disappointment.

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(in reply to Gwynvyd)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/16/2008 1:14:50 AM   
padrepugno


Posts: 36
Status: offline 		I have mixed feelings about safewords. On the one hand I insist on using them with new people. And if I'm playing with a new person I tell them in advance that I'm most likely going to try to make them safeword. I do this for 2 reasons:

1) It lets me know where their limits are and
2) It lets them know that they can use them. A lot of times people get so deep into candyland that they forget that they're available, OR people are afraid to use them because they don't want to disappoint. By letting the sub know ahead of time (and subtley reminding them during the scene) that I'm going to make them safeword, and that it's ok for them to use it, it gives them a little more control over the situation.

For that same reason I'm getting more and more averse to using safewords with regular subs. "Yellow" is almost completely gone because it's too close to topping from the bottom. I still think "Red" has a purpose, but I'm gearing more towards not having them as part of a scene at all with the subs I play with on a regular basis.

-P

(in reply to MissMorrigan)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/16/2008 1:17:30 AM   
eepsy


Posts: 38
Joined: 5/18/2008
Status: offline 		Don't have a safeword, but never had a problem making my concerns known, I suppose... :)

(in reply to padrepugno)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/16/2008 6:21:28 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I don't have a safeword we use the stoplight system.  I have never had to use red but i have used yellow a time or two.  My Master nows me well enough  he can tell i can't take any more.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to eepsy)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/16/2008 8:22:36 AM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stef
Insurance policies help to restore things back to "normal" after an incident.  Safewords do no such thing and anyone who thinks they are even remotely similar is only deluding themselves.


That's a good point. I think people should employ whatever measures they feel necessary to feel safe or safer as long as they realize that these are not fail safes.

(in reply to stef)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/16/2008 8:26:12 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		I like to play with people I don't have to use safe words with.  That means I rarely, if ever, play with strangers and I take a great deal of time getting to know someone before I play with them.

I do use them if I think they are necessary, but I don't care for them.

I do see their value for many; I think, however, that people think some how a safeword keeps you safe, it doesn't.  How your word is received and the reaction to it keeps you safe.  That means, know that the person you're playing with will react correctly to it.  Again, its about knowing people, not about words.

There are no replacements for knowing who you're playing with.

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Gwynvyd)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/16/2008 8:30:20 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkwind

We have safewrods and signals in the same way as we have insurance policies. We hope we never need them,but would be daft not to have them.

i often wonder, for those who profess not to have them, let alone use them, do you have home contents, life or drivers insurance? If so, why?




safewords are nothing like insurance.. nothing

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to pinkwind)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/16/2008 8:39:06 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkwind

We have safewrods and signals in the same way as we have insurance policies. We hope we never need them,but would be daft not to have them.

i often wonder, for those who profess not to have them, let alone use them, do you have home contents, life or drivers insurance? If so, why?


Safe words don't INSURE anything and I think that common misconception is one of the top scary reasons that I am so adamantly anti safe word.....people being deluded into believing that some word is going to insure their safety.  

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to pinkwind)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/16/2008 8:41:18 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone35

I don't have a safeword we use the stoplight system.  I have never had to use red but i have used yellow a time or two.  My Master nows me well enough  he can tell i can't take any more.

Matt's littleone


The words that make up the stoplight system ARE safewords.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/16/2008 8:58:28 AM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

it changes the situation when yelling "thigh cramp" or "my hand hurts too much" or "you're hitting the wrong spot" (as in where a bone is on the surface or a muscle was pulled) gets a "thats nice" and continues on response, where as a safe word "yellow" and then the problem is talked about and the thigh cramp is allowed to be stretched out or the cuff/tie is loosened or released or they move to a different area...

Why do you think a person who ignored clear and concise information would suddenly honor a safeword?  If you're finding that people with whom you play ignore when you inform them of a possible medical condition by saying "that's nice", perhaps you just need to spend your time playing with a better class of people.

quote:

i realize that not everyone plays with non-consensual consent...but for those that do, there is a tool that allows for the sub/bottom to tell the other person that, hey, this is not part of the scene, there is something really wrong here...because "ouch you stupid asshole, that fucking hurt" really means "oh baby, do it again" in my scenes...and *sob* "i can't take anymore" means you better not stop because i am 30 seconds from cumming and btw, i need permission to cum...

Yes, it's called communication.  You don't need extra layers of obfuscation, even when playing with "non-consensual consent."

~stef


_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/16/2008 1:43:39 PM   
Deliena


Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
Status: offline 		My Master and I don't have a safeword, we never discussed setting one up because as other's have mentioned here I can use standard communication to express if I am in trouble or cannot continue.  The only type of scenes this would not be appropriate in (for me personally) are rape / forced scenes and in that case saying "no" etc. would be a part of the roleplay for me and perhaps a safeword would be appropriate.  As yet Master and I though we have discussed that I have an interest in such scenes we haven't played that way and so the issue has not yet arisen.  We will deal with it when/if it does.

Shrug, like so much - it's a case of do what works within your own dynamic and situation, what is good for one set of people (I nearly typed couple and considered I would be excluding all poly relationships! LOL - how very PC of me!) is not necessarily good for another.

(in reply to stef)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/17/2008 5:31:40 PM   
BikerDomRealTime


Posts: 86
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		I believe that safe words are important in the beginning since everyone reacts differently and the signs that a sub/slave has reached their limit may not be noticed.  I also believe that a Dom/me should stop if they feel that the sub/slave has reached their limit even if they have not used their safe word.  I believe as the relationship progresses that the need for the safe word will diminish as the Dom/me should be able to tell from how the sub/slave is reacting if the they have reached their limit.

Only my thoughts.

(in reply to Gwynvyd)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: A bit about Safe words. - 6/17/2008 5:44:53 PM   
bashfulhuck


Posts: 119
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline 		The only time I would ever use a safeword to be honest with you is if there were something seriously seriously wrong with me, such as an injury that could cause me to go to a hospital.
Something like that would snap me right out of subspace, and into reality, and from there I would expect my Domina to stop, and find out what is wrong. I would never want to be with a Dominant that wants to permanently break her toy.
That being said, I slip into subspace pretty easily, and rely on my Dominant to keep an eye on me for things such as intensity getting to be too much. I'm the type of person that will just continue to soak up punishment without realizing it's going too far for me. I've been lucky in that the people I have played with have all kept a very good eye on things and never done a thing to me that 1. Injured me in a serious fashion, or 2. Pushed me too far beyond my limits.
For some safewords are neccessary, and I can respect that. I've never used one myself, and wouldn't unless something were very very seriously wrong. Then it's up to the Dominant to stop what they are doing or not.

Peace and serenity,
bashful

(in reply to pixidustpet)
Profile   Post #: 39
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