RE: It's Eating Away At Me (Full Version)

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eyesopened -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 3:36:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSybella
This isn't really a BDSM question but a marriage issue. Most men cheat at one point or another. Shoot, women do it too at times. But, he comes home to you, he's married you, he sleeps next to you.  Are you happy with him otherwise? Weigh your pros and cons. I'm not saying it's ok; it's not. I'm saying, why be bent out of shape over a romp in the hay. It's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.


i used to be that woman who believed a little "strange" was a man's natural instinct and it was no biggie.  my ex-husband, a pilot, was gone a lot and i figured the condoms in his travel bag was in case someone fell into his lap as a chance encounter and that he was being responsible enough to not bring diseases home with him.  A chance encounter is not the same as being on a swinger's site seeking out affairs.

No biggie?  Well every single time he came home i felt compelled to count the condoms.  Then it would eat away at me.... did it mean he did not have sex this trip or did it just mean he hadn't used a condom?  Would i say anything if i counted one missing?  Should i ask about the condoms at all?

But i deluded myself into believing that because he always came home to me,. married me, slept with me, had children with me, that i should keep my mouth shut and count my blessings.

When our youngest was 14 months old, on the day we were to move to a new house to be closer to my new job, he stayed at the old house to supervise the cleaning.  When i went to the ATM to get some cash at the new location i discovered the account was closed.  So was the savings account of nearly $20k and later that day when the moving van arrived, half the furniture wasn't there and the movers told me my husband had put those in a U-Haul truck..... i found out in a single day that i was penniless, had two toddlers, a new mortgage, starting a new job that would not have a paycheck ready for me for 3 weeks, and that my marriage was over.  All because i told myself "it's no big thing".
 
To the OP.... TALK TO HIM



pinkwind -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 3:56:15 AM)

For someone in such a state, snooping around looking for things to find i wouldn't doubt that a certain someone deliberately put just such things right where they would be found. As has been said, to get to this stage takes money changing hands, and i doubt very much that a co-worker would pony up money just for a joke, unless of course they were encouraged to do so and given the fee to do it.

And as some others have said, it's one hell of a way to get out of a relationship by a chicken shit of a Dom who cannot be honest, only duplicitous. Personally i do not believe a word of the story, but then i do not know anything about the depth of the relationship, if they play silly games on each other, why there is the need to snoop, nothing.

So, as the OP is in so much "distress" she hasn't even answered any of the responses i am looking at this thread as as fluff post by a drama queen who cannot help but meddle and has come of the worst for it, and leaving it at that!!!




came4U -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 4:00:43 AM)

Before you start sniffin' underwear...stand back and think.

If a friend told you this cocknbull story, wouldn't you tell her it sounds like a line of crap?

Honestly, he denied it at first because he is a moron who didn't have his Irene story ready just in case, yeah, it took him a few minutes and that is the best he could pull out of the air. 

It wouldn't only be this website that reminds me to pack my bags it is the blatant lie to my face by an idiot who thinks he can pull something before my eyes.

A joke? ha, funny. Yeah. sure.  Joke is on him (and the poor Irene who has no clue she is dragged into this probably).
What kind of grown man is on married and cheating sites for jokes?  NONE., he is on a married n cheating site, SIMPLE. 

About your bags...will that be paper or plastic?



darkeangelique -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 4:47:10 AM)

im with you Lockit..."when they lay blame elsewhere..." my ex chatted up my sister on a nilla site...when i confronted him it was my fault for not "giving him what he needed"....no gold necklace though ...lol....seriously though its where they lay the blame, and how, that provides clues...
Intuition is a great gift, explore it don't ignore it, but also dont let it become paranoia...it's about balance :) and what we "know" we "know"

Good luck

Darke



BeingChewsie -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 5:33:17 AM)

I'm curious how many people clicked on the link to the site. What a great way to get hits for pay for click affiliates...I'm just sayin'.



theGuideGoddess -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 7:50:40 AM)

I hate to start on a negative note, but it really gulls me how some people start accusing this one of snooping without knowing diddly about the perimeters of their specific relationship.  This is, after all, also her husband.  In a marriage filled with trust it is likely that it is also filled with openness.    My partner and I have an open door policy and share all passwords.    
History backwards eight years for me and I went through the same thing.  He was seeking to be my master.  I DID snoop in his email.  If I would consider something so significant as ownership then blind faith would not be implemented here.  In my situation, because in my gut I knew there was something that was not right.  I discovered, he denied.  For me, Polly will not work.  I am immensely curious about the type of individual that craves and needs that in their life.   I told him if that was his need, then I was not the girl for him.  To regain trust I demanded the open door policy (which was a response to his acclimations that he had nothing to hide).  Of course if one wants to cheat nothing can really stop them except self control.  One in lack of self control is not even Master of themselves and certainly should never be master of  another.
As a wife I would go fishing.  I would also check out other single sites and probably do a full fledged search:  history, cookies, temporary files, ….including hard drive.  Because I would NEED to KNOW, and that it was in fact the truth that I knew.  I would definitely speak with Irene face to face; because I would want to read the body language also.   I would probably continue to watch his account at AshelyMadison to see if he was receiving and or sending email.   If this behavior is not in previous agreement (obviously it isn’t ) with you and with out your knowledge then he IS CHEATING, at the very least he intends to if he has not been successful.
You asked him or over the phone??  These sorts of questions really should be asked real life.  People can lie with their fingers and their lips but their body language will give all but the professional deceiver away.  A good book to read might Never be lied to again.
If you are IN LOVE with him then I would be climbing around inside his head AND heart to discover the root. 
Just a few question for you to ponder:  How is your love and sex life?  Is it routine?  Is it frequent?  How does it seem?  One partners contentment does not define the others.  So then you need to take your observations to him and discover his perspective on the same questions.  Perhaps this can be a stepping stone to a higher and more intimate relationship between the two of you.
If you love him tell yourself:    NO ONE IS GETTING MY MAN UNTIL I SAY I AM DONE WITH HIM ;)

The Guiding Goddess
.........seeking the ultimate intimate.



Evility -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 7:51:40 AM)

Why would he build a profile at ashley madison that points to his regular email address if he knew that account was subject to be checked by you? If he is cheating or planning to cheat he obviously didn't expect you to be looking in there. What were you doing poking around in his email? We're not talking about checking his pockets before you wash his trousers. 



ownedgirlie -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 8:12:03 AM)

The big picture I see here is that your relationship has been in trouble for awhile. 

1.  You're snooping in his email.
2.  He's snooping in an affair site
3.  You're thinking of leaving him because of a new profile, and without talking to him

Do you want this relationship?  Then go to him and get it back.  Do you not want it?  Then leave him.



califsue -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 8:14:04 AM)

First of all to the OP ...a hug for you. I have seen some of your other posts and based on reading those it seemed to me like your relationship was stable.
 
One of the key ingredients in any relationship is Communication and it seems like the two of you really need to set down and talk.
 
According to the OP profile there is a UM involved as well. 7 years is a long time to spend with someone.
 
We can all sit hear and judge you and tell you based on your post and our experiences what we would do and why. Only the two people involved really know all the dynamics within that relationship and based on that decide the next steps for you.
 
When your emotionally involved it is much more difficult to weed through it all and it may
be helpful to seek assistance from a spiritual leader depending on your own beliefs or seek assistance from a Marriage Family Therapist.
 
If it is determined that he was actually cheating then only you can decide whether or not walking away/divorcing is the right thing for you.
 
If a co-worker was playing a trick I would want to know about why he would share his private email account with a co-worker.
 
heather



TreasureKY -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 8:14:13 AM)

Even the best man can fumble and lie when put on the spot.  I realize it's a heartbreaking position you are in... your heart wants to believe him but your head sees right through his lame excuse.   Just take a deep breath and put your worst imaginings on hold... things are rarely as bad as we make them out to be in our minds.  Realize that he is a man and he is human... decide if you can accept that.  Then talk. 



Maya2001 -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 9:03:37 AM)

I am sorry  ..you have some serious decisions to make, not something anyone can make for you ...but will ask you one question ...if you had been the one that put up that profile and he found it ....would he be willing to forgive or would he say you destroyed the trust ..release  you and tell you to get the hell  out. 

Many men expect their own discretions to be forgiven but would not be willing to do the same for their partner...some of forgiven will take it as permission to do again expecting to be forgiven if caught again, though not all ....only you can decide what you will put up with ..how it will impact future trust ..judge his level of remorse  etc..what I do know from past experience is when trust is broken... you will never get back the same relationship  it will be altered forever.. it does not necessarily mean awful..there may be a peaceful truce  but a certain element will be lost as a result.  I have been thru it in 2 different relationships  both I forgave ..the first took it as permission to continue cheating the second we had a temporary seperation  came back together but the soul went out of the relationship the trust was shattered though there was no more cheating  and a few years later I decided I could not continue living that way and ended..for myself if it happened again ..I would end immediately   ..if there was problem in the relationship I would expect my partner to talk to me to see if we can resolve..if not then  end without dishonesty,  instead of  going  behind my back  and finding someone else , I want the same respect and commitment from my partner that I am willing to put into a relationship.



OsideGirl -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 9:08:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddyslilpookie

I checked Daddy's email
quote:

He said that his friend Irene at work did it as a joke
Well, here's two things that don't add up for me. 1) Why would someone think that's funny as a joke? Do you honestly think that Irene would think harming your relationship with your Daddy is funny? How does she even know that website exists? I'm sorry, I don't it's something someone would do as a joke. Also, it went to HIS email not hers. So, that means she either knows your Daddy's personal email address (only one of my co-workers knows mine) or your Daddy was the person that set it up.

I'm a person that doesn't tolerate cheating. In your position, I would sit down and have a very serious chat. I would make it perfectly clear that if anything of this nature pops up, the relationship is over. Then get into the "why" of him on a website that looks for affairs.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSybella
I'm saying, why be bent out of shape over a romp in the hay. It's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.
Lying to the person that you've made vows and promises to is a HUGE deal. Not to mention, D/s and BDSM are pretty much based on trusting your partner and he's just violated that trust. It's not the sex.....it's the BIG HUGE GIANT LIE.



MissEnchanted -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 10:08:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HandSolo

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Has it occured to you to set up a profile there and engage him in conversation.  See if he bites, you'll have your answer for sure then.  Yeah, it's not cool to do, but you've already snooped in his email, so this seems like the next logical step.  Kidding, sort of.


If nothing else, you get a good O. Henry story out of the deal.


         [:D]                 [:D]                      [:D]



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 10:18:55 AM)

well humm 
  • this not a open relationship
  • there is a familar thing about dishonesty
  • wonder what else he is hiding
  • Dom is god mode   shrugs
  • why in the world be apart of someone who can not just be honest  it is less hurt full to be straight with someone then to lie about it.  or manipulate
  • so leave him find someone else who respects you cheating is one of the five do not do rules



Griswold -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 10:22:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FullCircle

quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddyslilpookie
His profile name was RizMaster


Not theeee RizMaster bigamist extraordinaire? I heard about him in the www.ashleymadison.com news section, quite shocking really to think someone could lead an outwardly normal life but secretly crave dirty Russian sex and have kids with three different women.[8|]


(Just a thought....but....probably not the best time to attempt humor).



pinksugarsub -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 10:25:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ProtagonistLily

quote:

Why were you snooping in his email in the first place? You don't need advice from the CM forums, you need advice from a professional marriage counselor. Clearly, there are larger issues you have not dealt with in this situation.


Amen.

PL



A/anyone who discovers evidence of the type described in the Op and fails to take any self-protective measures is IMO a naieve fool.
 
i couldn't disagree more with Y/yr opinions, Lily and SylvereApLeanan.
 
pinksugarsub

P.S.  My 'List of Intolerables' includes both lying -- about anything -- and cheating.  There was a time i did not consider 'net porn, cybering and the like to be 'cheating'.
 
Then i watched what happened to my girlfriend, and now i do.  i don't care whether A/anyone endorses my opinion.
 
To the OP: i consider yr Master's conduct highly suspect at best, and totally unacceptable at worst.  i'm not in yr shoes so i can't speak for you -- but i have some experience with this (both my own and my girlfriend's) and i regret that i did not leave.  Immediately.  Because it only got much, much worse.



Aileen1968 -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 10:42:31 AM)

Trust your gut instinct.  There will be other red flags if he's cheating.  Open your eyes to them.



kessbm45lilgirl -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 10:48:45 AM)

Hi Daddyslilpookie 
The email says he wanted to be caught.  First line of defense when caught is to lie. if you have had time to calm down pick a time to talk to him when there are no distractions. I found this on a site I like

N - name the specific behavior that you find causes you to feel jealous

A - announce the specific setting … time & place the behavior occurred

M - mention your reaction & the feeling it arouses in you

E - explain and own your feelings
http://submissive1.homestead.com/femsub.html

Rule number one always protect the property and you are the property.

talk to him good luck



FullCircle -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 10:51:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Griswold
(Just a thought....but....probably not the best time to attempt humor).


Humour[8|]



pinksugarsub -> RE: It's Eating Away At Me (6/15/2008 10:56:25 AM)

FullCircle Sir, my calendar says July 1st is 'Dom Spanking Day'.
 
What's Yrs say?
 
LMAO.
 
pinksugarsub



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