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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 6:39:55 AM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


The question is this -- how can a submissive man speak about his "capability" in a manner that is not out of place?  For example, in his profile, should a submissive touch on a hobby, skill, professional thing that he is "capable" in, and talk about it in a manner that shows this - without being perceived as simply bragging?

And to that end -- "bragging" --  how can a submissive man convey his "capability" (which we femdoms seem to pick up in our radar) in a manner that does not come across as arrogant? Or, is a little arrogance ok?  Do submissives feel that they cannot be humble and be capable (advertise their capability, that is) at the same time?


Some capabilities can be detailed in a narrative -- his skills that he brings to service and a potential relationship ... fixing cars, computers, carpentry.  That would be nice to know up front.  But in terms of getting that hot feeling, a list doesn't quite do it.

Like any other courtship, it's a matter of finding out about someone as you get to know them.  Miss Manners said something about courtship that is germane here, that it's better to be a little modest and really wow someone as more and more great things about you unfold than to put it out there and remove the (erotic) tension.  I don't think there's a formulaic way to get across one's competencies. 

Funny things have turned me on.  I remember one submissive was a competitive swimmer.  I said that I would love to see him in a competition -- I wanted to see him in his element, doing something that he was passionate about, seeing his sleek body cutting through the water.  Yum!  (though he was completely non-plussed by this)  I was chatting with a submissive friend about pain play and he spontaneously offered to hand-craft paddles for me.  It was so jumping up and down joyful knowing he was spending evenings making something for me, and then hurting him with the very implements that he had made  -- competence!  service! pain!  SEXY!  It's important that these discoveries came about organically.

Regarding conveying compentence, the persons above weren't trying to impress me, they were being themselves.  I think when you bring your whole self into a conversation (as opposed to just your D/s attributes and interests), your competencies will be revealed.

An important takeaway is that we dominants want to know these things about you submissive guys.  There have been cases where I think submissives have not talked about these things because ... I don't know ... they thought it wasn't submissive?  That to be active and competent was the opposite of maleable.   Know that your competence makes us warm, hot, excited, proud. And they don't have to be huge things, just your strengths as a person.  (purring)

Mss

< Message edited by MySweetSubmssive -- 6/17/2008 7:27:36 AM >

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--Miss Moneypenny

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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 6:58:39 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		It's interesting that the women can think in terms of skills-while the Male Doms only seem to think in terms of "getting some"
 
 I begin to think we get what we ask for-especially when it's "not much".

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 7:06:43 AM   
DominantJenny


Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline 		Just continuing in the same vein...don't be afraid to reveal yourselves...I think that's what many, many of us specifically WANT. It doesn't take much social awareness to notice if we're bored to death by a topic...bring them up or you'll never know. Talking about work, for example, is one of those things people typically think others don't want them to do...but hearing how my guy handled a certain problem made me positively adore him...I got to see his (very clever) brain at work in a way I don't generally see in our home environment. (Which is, essentially, my place of employment, since I'm a stay at home parent, so it's where he gets to see me shine instead. :P)
Maybe it helps to think of it that way...revealing as compared to bragging or showing off. Although, at least in my case, I would advise against deliberately holding things back...I can sense that and find it annoying...if something comes up, it comes up.
I also agree that a lot of this is just stuff that has to happen over time, in the process of a relationship.

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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 7:53:21 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		The way I see it, I want to know what you can do, but I'd like to find out for myself how well you do it.
Do not spend half your profile telling me what an amazing auto mechanic you are, unless you can prove it to me (I happen to know about as much about cars as most of the braggart types on the site). Dont tell me you are an amazing photographer unless you can show me a portfolio of your work. Dont embellish your abilities, snce starting off our assocation with a lie is a bad way to go.  Personally, Ive always found that the ones who know the most announce it the least. The ones who are always chest thumping and telling us hat wonderful tis that or the others they are, are hoping we dont call their bluffs.
Just tell me what you CAN do, and leave the rest to face to face communication.

DV




_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 10:39:41 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sylverdawn

Ive always thought of it as a profile as the letter of introduction like the one you attach to your CV


That would work perfectly for someone trying to attract me..

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TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 11:06:37 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

It's interesting that the women can think in terms of skills-while the Male Doms only seem to think in terms of "getting some"
 



Well that IS the main difference between male and female dominants, isn't it?  We generally don't equate service with sex acts...

I love the idea of a job application, and I have used that example in the past with newbies who say "I don't know what to say in my profile!"  I don't think it's bragging to say, I grow prizewinning roses, or I can fix your leaky faucet.  We all have skills, what's wrong with sharing them?   Teach me to shoot pool, I will teach you to....I dunno, do your taxes better.  I want to know what he can do BESIDES play, since even play hoes like me need to just hang out, or take care of errands. 

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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 12:17:49 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

The question is this -- how can a submissive man speak about his "capability" in a manner that is not out of place?


One would hope he'd have the social sense to be himself without undo preoccupation with BDSM roles.

(in reply to AAkasha)
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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 3:53:24 PM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

i can take a motorcycle that's been sitting outside for a decade and strip it to the frame in two hours with a bucket full of hand tools and a cinder block... Not sure what that's worth in Mistressing terms, but it sure does make a mess of the yard 


petdave,
Before you mentioned making a mess of the yard, I was thinking to myself "But can he put it all back together again and not have any parts left over?"
 
 - pixel
 
 
 
Updated journal on finding Wyatt yesterday

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 4:15:48 PM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

I always want to know, in this type of relationship, what someone is bringing to the table -- I can let them know my capabilities.


I think you make a very good point.  I began my profile by starting with a couple of things I felt I had to offer a woman in this lifestyle.  That said, there's a lot more to me than you'll find by just reading my profile and it will take a fair amount of conversation with me to learn it all.  I think several have described it well, in that it just has to happen over time in the process of building a relationship. 
 
There are many different things which interest me, but none in particular which solely define me.  It's the culmination of them all that makes me who I am.  At 50, I've done many things over the course of my life and sometimes feel like I can greatly relate to a man like Leonardo Da Vinci (no I don't have his great talents, but I do share many of his interests as an engineer turned artist) whose mind was filled with ideas and unanswered questions.  He was a scientist, engineer, architect, designer of war machinery, painter, sculptor, medical researcher (he did autoposies to study anatomy) and countless other things things as well. 
 
As to the comments by some about liking the idea of job applications, I find that totally distasteful and impersonal.  Would the Dommes in the forum be willing to reciprocate?  Somehow I doubt it.  When looking for an interpersonal relationship, it seems very depersonalizing to me.
 
 - pixel
 
 
 
See my latest journal entry for an update on my search for Wyatt.


_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 4:34:35 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

i can take a motorcycle that's been sitting outside for a decade and strip it to the frame in two hours with a bucket full of hand tools and a cinder block... Not sure what that's worth in Mistressing terms, but it sure does make a mess of the yard 


That's an important skill to some of us!! But can you put it back together and make it run? That's an even more important skill!
 
Jewel

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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 5:14:32 PM   
petdave


Posts: 2479
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

i can take a motorcycle that's been sitting outside for a decade and strip it to the frame in two hours with a bucket full of hand tools and a cinder block... Not sure what that's worth in Mistressing terms, but it sure does make a mess of the yard 


That's an important skill to some of us!! But can you put it back together and make it run? That's an even more important skill!
 
Jewel


Put it back together??  Women... NEVER SATISFIED!

Actually, i can, it's just that the cleaning/painting/parts-hunting/measuring/fabricating/etc takes a lot longer

i also dislike the job application analogy... In a relationship, i want to be more than the sum of what i can do.  Think of it as the male sub version of wanting to be more than a life support system for a vagina

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 5:18:35 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		I have to agree dave, I don't like being thought of as a holder for floggers and I think that's along the same line. I want to meet them as a person first, see them for who they are and experience that part of them first. If all I wanted was someone to beat on... hell, that wouldn't be a problem.
 
And yeah, I know it takes longer, we've been working on restoring my '72 sportie for a long time now. We're close!! Very close!!
 
Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 7:17:43 PM   
MsLemon


Posts: 47
Joined: 1/3/2004
Status: offline 		When I met my husband/slave part of what made me decide to see him again was the way his face lit up when he talked about things he'd done (life experiences) as well as his skill with photography and desire to look to become a massage therapist and why.  His love of the skill he has and the desire I saw for him to learn another caught my attention.  The life experiences he had I knew would make him interesting and well rounded.  For me a submissive/slave having aspects of himself which show him capable is a very attractive trait.  Doormats aren't my preferred type :)

Regards,
Ms Lemon

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 8:37:17 PM   
Vigilantejustice


Posts: 106
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

The question is this -- how can a submissive man speak about his "capability" in a manner that is not out of place? For example, in his profile, should a submissive touch on a hobby, skill, professional thing that he is "capable" in, and talk about it in a manner that shows this - without being perceived as simply bragging?


I think that speaking about capability in such a venue is entirely appropriate. For instance, my HusDom, heaven love him, barely knows which end of the hammer to hold (of course, if it bleeds he can generally fix it right up). Myself, I am reasonably proficient with woodworking (being the daughter of a general contractor certainly helped!). When I found out that our boy had actually spent a summer remodeling a house as a job, that was a big deal for me. Although I think he occasionally regrets having project assistant added to his job description. <winks> Serves him right, maybe he never should have mentioned he is an Eagle Scout either, lol. Evidence of being capable AND reliable? w00tah!

As for the difference between being perceived as bragging or not, that relies on two things:
1) the personality of the reader. Some people may feel that any discussion of a person's skills shows a degree of pridefulness that is unattractive.
2) the delivery of the potential bragging. To mention something with (obviously subjective) humility is less likely to be considered bragging than to go on about how adeptly one performs X skill. I know people who have referred to things I have done as being of a high level, but I like to (humbly) state that I have "some experience/proficiency" with a given skill. If nothing else, it helps others to keep a realistic expectation of my abilities, especially in situations where the other person has little to no understanding of what may be involved. ("Oh, you know how to knit? Can you make me a sweater?" is pretty common. There's a massive amount of time, money, and work involved in knitting a hand made sweater. It's not a weekend project!)

quote:


And to that end -- "bragging" -- how can a submissive man convey his "capability" (which we femdoms seem to pick up in our radar) in a manner that does not come across as arrogant? Or, is a little arrogance ok? Do submissives feel that they cannot be humble and be capable (advertise their capability, that is) at the same time?



It is certainly a fine line to walk. As I said above, it helps to show a degree of modesty when referring to your own skills. I prefer to let my work speak for itself. This by no means means I am not extremely proud of the things I've done and made, but that I feel that by tooting my own horn, so to speak, I am cheapening the quality of the end product by removing focus from *it* to myself.
When it comes to me, many people don't find out about my hobbies unless they ask me what I've been up to, and then they receive a laundry list of projects that blow their minds, lol. Of course, I'm relatively off the market, so I'm no longer attempting to put my "resume" out there.

I don't know if that made much sense, but that's how it works for me.
-Corinne
House Vigilante

< Message edited by Vigilantejustice -- 6/17/2008 8:50:59 PM >

_____________________________

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"Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries."
"[Your work] is carved out of agony as a statue is carved out of marble." -All by Theodore Roethke

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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 8:44:50 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		I think this thread touches upon two issues: (1) competence is attractive, and (2) does a sub have skills that can serve a domme?

Point 1 applies to social relationships and people in general--it is not specific to attraction towards subs.

Point 2 is a discussion for another thread.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 9:34:02 PM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

Point 1 applies to social relationships and people in general--it is not specific to attraction towards subs.


Yes, but the OP thought the question singular enough -- and it's been a pattern in my experience -- about submissives exhibiting their competence to pose not one but two related threads on this. 

As I noted in my post above, a signifigant number of submissives seem to experience a conflict between their own competence and being submissive.  Perhaps competence being attractive *should* be a no-brainer, but for some it's not. 

I've found it to be a thought-provoking and encouraging thread.

Mss

< Message edited by MySweetSubmssive -- 6/17/2008 9:35:44 PM >

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/17/2008 11:22:31 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive
Yes, but the OP thought the question singular enough -- and it's been a pattern in my experience -- about submissives exhibiting their competence to pose not one but two related threads on this. 

As I noted in my post above, a signifigant number of submissives seem to experience a conflict between their own competence and being submissive.  Perhaps competence being attractive *should* be a no-brainer, but for some it's not. 

I've found it to be a thought-provoking and encouraging thread.


My prior thread in its brevity leaves room for clarification. I don't object to or question the merit of the thread.

I see the OP to be about how competence is attractive, and how should a sub present this competence.

In my prior post I intended to share two observations.

The call to submissives in the OP to talk about their competence does not appeal to me. I chose to not respond as such not for conflict with submission but for modesty and related reasons--it simply felt like an odd suggestion to me to list all at which I am skilled. It is from this angle I approached the matter about what a submissive should do to present his competence. It is this context with which I shared my first observation that attraction to competence is a more general phenomenon, and I think submissives should behave as do other people for how much emphasis they should give to present their competence. With respect to attraction, I don't think they need to do anything more than others. I was thinking about how it could be overdone versus underdone, and I did not address or think about your point about the conflict with submission some might have. I recognize that your point is a valid one.

My second observation was that some of the responses touch upon the interest in competence or skill not for attraction but for usefulness, which is more common in Fm relationships than in Mf relationships. I have theories about the difference in emphasis, as well an objection to the notion I sometimes see that a submissive must provide practical benefit to be interesting or worthy. I was not up to going into that discussion at that sitting and left it for another thread. I do the same now.

I recognize now that with my wording my comment about a discussion for another thread might have come across as directed at others, which was not my intent. It was intended to be directed at my lack of elaboration. I have a very open attitude about how much or not people remain on topic in a thread and have no issue if people discuss point 2 from my last post, or additional points yet.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 6/17/2008 11:39:55 PM >

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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/18/2008 5:45:33 AM   
rubberpet


Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLemon

When I met my husband/slave part of what made me decide to see him again was the way his face lit up when he talked about things he'd done (life experiences) as well as his skill with photography and desire to look to become a massage therapist and why.  His love of the skill he has and the desire I saw for him to learn another caught my attention.  The life experiences he had I knew would make him interesting and well rounded.  For me a submissive/slave having aspects of himself which show him capable is a very attractive trait.  Doormats aren't my preferred type :)

Regards,
Ms Lemon


Many dommes are like that.  They don't want a doormat for a partner.  Just like any woman, they typically want someone who is able to not only function on his own, but adept at special skills, too.  While I may have learned auto maintenence and repair from my dad, who was a mechanic for over 40 years, a skill/talent that Mistress finds more appealing is I know my way around a kitchen and I love to cook/bake.  It's not only practical to Her, but it's also another way I can serve Her better and more efficiently.  Plus, She admits there is something very empowering to see Her pet serve the meal on his knees and feel him curl up around Her feel as She eats.  She also admits to enjoying feeding Her pet from the palm of Her hand.  ***mmmmm...sighs***

It's about productivity, people! 

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.


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RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/18/2008 10:33:46 AM   
rhpaw


Posts: 63
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		That's true with non femdoms too.

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If at first you don't suceed why not try the way mistress told you to do it you dumass.
If you worry about what people think of you. You'd be surprized how seldom they do.

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Submissive capability. Would it interest you to hea... - 6/18/2008 5:58:20 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		I enjoy subs/slaves who are confident in their talents and abilities.  During initial e-mails and conversations I will ask them about their skill set and their interests, passions, hobbies.  A person's passions say a great deal about their inner drives and needs and emotions.
The conversations are good starting places to open up further dialogue. 

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 40
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