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An Affair To Remember--82/95 - 6/16/2008 9:52:31 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		As the primary care giver/hand holder adult daughter of elderly parents this gives one pause to think especially because my mother certainly is experiencing age related dementia though not severe at this time, and I have seen the websites my dad has looked/looks at and I know I didn't want to ever know about their sexual activity or anything. With an aging population it does open up a whole new world of questions for everyone.
 
She was 82. He was 95. They had dementia. They fell in love. And then they started having sex.By Melinda Henneberger.

http://www.slate.com/id/2192178/
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RE: An Affair To Remember--82/95 - 6/16/2008 10:09:31 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		what a heartbreaking story...

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RE: An Affair To Remember--82/95 - 6/16/2008 10:22:15 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I have lived in a place for the elderly and disabled.  The pain and sadness in that place was heartbreaking.  If they can find something to live for even in five minutes of clear thinking, who is to say they shouldn't?  But in a facility... good luck.  Other's control their lives, simply because they are older or sick.  Many take the other option... to end it before it goes there.  We need better ways to deal with the issues of the elderly or those in nursing homes.  They are not dead and yet they must live a life without much life in it because no one can handle what they really need to live anything close to happy.  It doesn't fit the facility.  I have even known spouses that were kept on different floors.

We house them... but we don't allow them any joy.  If a good lay is going to kill them, then let them die happy! 

< Message edited by Lockit -- 6/16/2008 10:23:11 PM >

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RE: An Affair To Remember--82/95 - 6/17/2008 1:41:31 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		I think it depends on the situation, I work as a carer and a man there recently lost his wife he has taken special interest in another of our ladies who has pretty bad dementure and believes she is 21, he holds her hand strokes her leg etc,  as soon as shes in her room she gets flustered about where her husband is and wont sleep they seem to get on but it causes really nasty side affects in her, this gentleman is not particularly picky in who he will give his affections to, and though I understand and sympathise he even makes me feel on edge. Some carers think its sweet I think that as these people dont have the mental capacity to really consent its awful, but thats just me.

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RE: An Affair To Remember--82/95 - 6/17/2008 2:16:44 AM   
oddone


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/12/2008
Status: offline 		Wow what a topic.  I work in a nursing home on the dementia wing to be exact.  There is a couple there that share a room and become intimate at times.  Oh they are married so its not a big deal.  However many of the other residents don't know whats going on well enough to give consent.
People with alzheimers do retain emotions and feelings long after their reasoning ability is lost. Which does make it complicated now doesn't it.  I think it should be analyzed on a case by case basis.  If they are both clearly enjoying it then I say let them go for it. 

Another problem is that  the person in question is often not the same person that the family knew and loved.  Dementia and even strokes can change a persons personality to some degree.

God what a tough subject.........

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RE: An Affair To Remember--82/95 - 6/17/2008 5:05:25 AM   
SeeksOnlyOne


Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		that is the sweetest story.......well it could be if you removed the big bad wolf(the son).

i just wish they could have lived happily ever after.  everyone deserves to find bliss, no matter how many years young they may be.

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RE: An Affair To Remember--82/95 - 6/17/2008 5:17:40 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		If it were my parent, my concerns would be: is the other person overly 'free with their affections' (as colouredin was talking of)? Does the relationship seem to be making my parent happy or not?

While I don't like to PICTURE my mom having sex, if she is, and is enjoying it - thereby making her life a bit better - I'm all for it :)

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RE: An Affair To Remember--82/95 - 6/17/2008 9:01:48 AM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
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quote:

ORIGINAL: oddone

Another problem is that  the person in question is often not the same person that the family knew and loved.  Dementia and even strokes can change a persons personality to some degree.



Boy have you got That part right!  Add a stroke to someone suffering from the Very beginning stages of Alzheimer's, and it's a truely twisted sister.
 
My dad is in a nursing home, and has been for 2 years now, since he was released by the rehab hospital he went to for 3 months directly after his stroke.  In the 2 years since then, he has begun to show signs of the one thing he truely feared inheriting from his mom. Thing is, he's only 63.
 
While he made certain that paperwork was in place to designate a lot of things - from health care preferences and DNR via Living Will, to PoA to take care of the general stuff (that being me), to a sucessor Trustee for his Estate Trust (again - me - as if I didn't have enough responcibilities with being PoA!) - things concerning Sex and Sexuality are conspicuously missing from all his paperwork.  I'm guessing he didn't consider them a concern, since he's had ED problems due to various medications since a few years prior to mom dying.  If he can't get it up anyway, it's not like him becoming sexually active with any of his various female friends in the nursing home is ever going to become a problem.
 
I honestly don't Know how I would react, if the nursing home were to tell me on one of my frequent visits that dad had started boinking one of the other inmat... er... residents.  The FIRST thing that would likely come outta my mouth would be "Holy shit, you mean he's started being capable of getting it up again after all these years??" and from there it would be "more power to ya, pop, but you're not making any "adjustments" to the will or trust."

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RE: An Affair To Remember--82/95 - 6/17/2008 12:21:14 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		You are so right when you say that it depends on the situation.  But... with two people who clearly knew the other, remembered the other and suffered the loss of one another... I say let them have at it in a private room, set up all the safety issues, legal concerns, etc.  Can they legally marry and mess up inheritance... maybe not... but at least let them have some fun!  Sex is a healthy thing and it gives a lot of spring to a life, empty of much they enjoyed and sometimes do or don't remember.  If family isn't coming every day to see them, then let them have a friend.  If they are doing it with everyone... well... like I said it depends.  A don juan can cause some problems.  But... even if they are horney and they are trying all the others to find a fit... what is different about that, than what many do?  Who is to say this guy didn't do that his whole life?

When we are baby sitting older folks, we need to have our own limits.  If it is our sexual problem, we shouldn't force this on them.

My son is brain damaged.  He is a child in a man's body and being in his twenties, he still has all the natural urges and desires.  Now... I doubt he would be able to find a partner even in a nursing home, which is where he will be one day, but he still has needs.  I have struggled over how to address them.  I think that if one has the physical or emotional needs and is somewhat fit enough to know what they are doing, they should in the right set up be allowed to as long as no one is really getting hurt.  If not that... set their rooms up with a few toys.  It is time we all got comfy with the fact that sex is a natural part of the human beast and provision for sex should be as important as those stupid games they do allow in those places, that most have no friggin interest in!

I am sure there are legal concerns and such.  Address them.  Why is it that we cannot?  Complicated... sure... but so are many other things.  We often call old age a second youth... what did you want to do in your first youth?  What else are they going to do?  Little programs where people sing songs they would never have listened to before the nursing home... little card games... religous meetings... come on... how many of us would like that? lol  Just the thought of being in one of those places... makes me willing to be sure never to go to one.  Take away the one, free joy I can still do... that might serve to push this horney old broad over the edge.

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RE: An Affair To Remember--82/95 - 6/17/2008 3:30:35 PM   
Irishknight


Posts: 2016
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		I used to patrol a nursing home for one of the security companies i worked for.  No.  We weren't there to stop the blatant gang activity by those "red hat ladies."  We were checking the halls and stairwells looking for anyone who might have fallen.
ANYWAY, on certain nights of the month, I walked slightly quicker because some of those folks sounded like the kids in the college dorms.   I have to say, if they can rock like that, let them. 
And .. it was always better to go in there after they were asleep.  Those old ladies would pinch bruises on a uniformed backside.

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RE: An Affair To Remember--82/95 - 6/17/2008 5:04:28 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Irishknight
And .. it was always better to go in there after they were asleep.  Those old ladies would pinch bruises on a uniformed backside.


Take it as a compliment to the shape of your backside, Irish  - it says one of two things: Either your ass was worth pinching, or they were too nearsighted to tell that it wasn't!  Which would you Rather it be?

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RE: An Affair To Remember--82/95 - 6/17/2008 5:07:22 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		I was hoping to see this here for discussion.  The only thing I squicked at was the "dirty penis" part.. I mean.. were was the sponge bath????  Other than that.. more power to them both.  Rock on!

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RE: An Affair To Remember--82/95 - 6/17/2008 6:45:56 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		I don't really know what I would do in this situation if it had been my mom or dad.
Like RHI i also have POA, my parents have DNR and although my parents are early 80's they both have medical issues and last year I had to help my father because he had to pee so I had to wheel him in the restroom, help him stand up from the wheelchair and then unzip his pants....because my mother has a arm that does not work. I was grateful when he said he could get it from there and then I turned around so I couldn't see him and when he was finished he pushed it back in his pants and then I zipped him back up.  I just thought at the time...that there are some things an adult daughter doesn't want to know about her parents. LOL...thankfully, due to a wonderful geriatic doctor and tests, we found out what was going on and have been able to address the issues so he can stand/walk etc without needing assistance other than occasionally use of a cane but know that could change down the road.
 
Reading this made me sad as it speaks to the very core of our beings...that no matter our age and although our mind may fail us inside we still have the ability to feel and love though we might not be able to express it in words so that outside 'normal' people understand it.  AND..who has the right to decide that what they were doing was horrid and disgusting. I am not sure how I would have handled the situation if I saw it but I think it is important to at least have the ability to think about it and if necessary discuss with your parent before any dementia or anything happens. 
 
 I did home health care for a time and i had a 30 year old who mentally was much younger and had sexual needs and the only problem was he liked to do in the living room and I had to remind him that it was private and for his bedroom only. And on the other end I had old men who also had sexual needs but who were fine mentally.
 
Appreciate all the replies as it does show what a complicated issue this is.

heather

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