Vanilla -> D/s marriage; success?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Vanilla -> D/s marriage; success?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Vanilla -> D/s marriage; success?

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Vanilla -> D/s marriage; success? - 6/17/2008 7:32:01 AM

suessub

Posts: 71
Joined: 1/18/2008
Status: offline

Last December, after a few years of playing, my wife and I deciding to make ours a marriage based in D/s. Things are going well, we are taking our time and discuss our goals often enough. This summer's exercise to take a measure of where we have come and get some sense of where we would like things to go.

The question came up: how common is this. To take a well established vanilla marriage and change the power dynamic thus. Most of the couples we know came together already knowing they wanted a kinky relationship. Please, if you like and your path is similar to ours, add a comment about it. And also, any pointers to problems and pitfalls to look out for along the way may lead to a fruitful discussion.

_____________________________

"Cause people often talk about being scared of change
But for me I'm more afraid of things staying the same
Cause the game is never won by standing in any one place for too long "
- Nick Cave

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Vanilla -> D/s marriage; success? - 6/17/2008 7:43:26 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

My relationship with my wife started as vanilla and by the time we got married, we had both moved into a Gorean Lifestyle with both being Dominat. Nothing has changes except that we both wanted to take it into a poly home so we could both have slaves with sex being involved between all parties. However we talked about things from the start and have built a rock solid relationship, and friendship underpinning our marriage.

Iron Bear
(Incorrigible, irrepressible and irreverent)
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.

Omar Khayyam 1048 CE to 1123 CE (Persian Mathematician, Scientist, Astronomer, Philosopher & Poet).

(in reply to suessub)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Vanilla -> D/s marriage; success? - 6/17/2008 7:47:31 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

IronBear put it about as good as your going to get. They TALKED.

(in reply to IronBear)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Vanilla -> D/s marriage; success? - 6/17/2008 7:50:47 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

i have known 5 couples that have gone the route your wife and yourself have gone.

myself included, ours did not work out because he was doing it for me.....and one of the others did not work out because it was sub sub.

i would say pitfalls are the same as in nilla, lack of communication, unrealistic expectaions, not being accountable (both people), differnt end goals, using D/s a patch for deeper wounds, and using d/s as a excuse to be with other people.

dont get me wrong i am poly, and i am not knocking it, but i have seen poly introduced to unhealthy marriges as a bandaid, and it does not work out so well.

in a class i took recently, "creating your perfect d/s relationship, " the educator (spacing the name) gave out a three page pamphlet of questions, now i know this is not the road for every one but we are super dorks and we spent three days answering questions like:

why do you want a power dynamic
what is your perfect picture
what are your core needs
what are you deepest desires
what went wrong in previous relationships
what have you learned from those relationships
what is mastery, ownership, stewardship, dominance, topping, to you?
What is slavery, submission, service, bottoming, subjigation, accountability to you?
what is your support system?
are you able to talk to any one about it (so you dont get isolated)
what type of service is important to you, do you want things done right and tight, or is it just important the person does her/his best
how are you going to handle infractions
what are deal breakers (collar comes off)

we had a lot of fun with it....esp painting the perfect picture part....in fact we found out that fun and sillyness was a core requirement for both of us!.....that doe not mean we dont take it seriously but of boy do we have fun.... :)

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to suessub)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Vanilla -> D/s marriage; success? - 6/17/2008 9:02:59 AM

FRSguy

Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline

My mariage started out as vanilla and evolved into D/S & kink. In my workplace I have known several couples who's relationships evolved into a for of D/S simply because the woman in the mariage became discontent with doing all the work and making all the decisions and having little ones roaming around... them men in the mariage were simply not perticipants in the household. None of the couples as far as I am aware are actually involved in the lifestyle but simply have taken some of the better elements and incorporated it into there existing relationship. The results have been simular to the lifestyle but very different.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Vanilla -> D/s marriage; success? - 6/17/2008 3:49:02 PM

Aroha

Posts: 15
Joined: 6/3/2008
Status: offline

My marrriage started out as vanilla and we have only just started introducing d/s play in the last couple of years (only during sex, or build up to sex). I've always been interested in being submissive but wasn't too sure how hubby would take it if I asked him to do things to me not main stream.

Fortunately he was willing to try and has definately learnt to love it.

We may not be as far along as most seem to be in this site, but we are enjoying ourselves and that is all that matters. Talking is definately the key when starting something new, and while not all of your fantasies will be compatable you will never know which ones are unless you communicate.

(in reply to FRSguy)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Vanilla -> D/s marriage; success? - 6/17/2008 4:30:22 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

He and Alandra have been married for 18 years as of yesterday, though I am not sure they fit your description.

The authority structure within the relationship was always in place from the very beginning. They didn't know of BDSM, D/s or M/s relationships, they just related the way it was most comfortable for them. It was only many years later that they discovered that many other people did things similarly and that there were labels to go along with it.

For the three of us, our philosophy is to do what is best for the relationship. What the relationship needs trumps what individuals need or want.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to suessub)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Vanilla -> D/s marriage; success? - 6/17/2008 4:43:14 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

There's a group in Central Texas solely for long term couples living together and everyone BUT my partner and I either created a vanilla relationship first, or didn't discover kink or the idea of a Ds dynamic until much later. We're the only ones who were already kinky and knowingly chose to be in a relationship based on an authority dynamic.

I'm not saying they litter the ground, but they aren't that rare. Although it can be different because people who you meet here and at parties are the ones who are really into the kink. The ones really just into the relationships tend not to be as public (which makes sense).

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Vanilla -> D/s marriage; success? - 6/17/2008 6:06:31 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

To take a well established vanilla marriage and change the power dynamic thus. Most of the couples we know came together already knowing they wanted a kinky relationship. Please, if you like and your path is similar to ours, add a comment about it. And also, any pointers to problems and pitfalls to look out for along the way may lead to a fruitful discussion.

We were married 34 years before i had even heard of BDSM or D/s relationships. However, i was always what some would call a "50's wife", serving Him in every way and doing ALL the chores.

Once i learned about BDSM i wanted to take it to the bedroom too but went about it wrong by having an affair. When Hubby found out we dicussed it and He is now my Dom 24/7.

My biggest suggestion is good communication, let each other know your desires and fantasies. Have fun with it.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to suessub)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: Vanilla -> D/s marriage; success? - 6/17/2008 6:44:54 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

My girl and I have been together for 13 years, married for 11 of them. I collared her last November. For us, it's not about kink though, it's about the M/s dynamic as a different way of running a relationship. You'll find no whips, chains, implements of torture, etc. in our house. The transition itself has been smooth as silk, but then again, I'm pretty dominant by nature and she's one of the most naturally submissive women I've personally seen. In addition, we had 13 years of trust and communication skills to build upon. My best advice is to go slow... then go slower. From my standpoint, I have 40 years to get whatever I want out of the M/s dynamic, but if I screwup, I could blow the best thing that's ever happened to me. My other piece of advice is to be a bit careful about advice you read on the internet *laughs*. Seriously, many of the posters are not in it for the long-haul which will definitely result in a different set of decisions. Planning for next month is not the same as planning for 4 decades from now. In the end, it's still a relationship and all the same relationship skills that work in vanilla are required and work in D/s. I would say, however, that the further you go towards the M/s side of the spectrum, the more more critial those skills become.

In the end, it hasn't been all that long, but we look at each other frequently and agree that every random day together now is better than the days we spent in hawaii on our honeymoon. I'm counting that as a win *big dopey grin*

(in reply to suessub)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: Vanilla -> D/s marriage; success? - 6/17/2008 7:06:16 PM

MrSpectacular

Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

Kudos to you - I did the same thing. The main thing in any relationship and a D/s one especially is to remember that communication is the most important aspect.

N

_____________________________

Yes I am Spectacular and they are real!

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 11