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Lumus -> RE: ~~You and me and she makes Three~~ (6/19/2008 3:49:31 PM)
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Sorry for the delayed reply, Steel - work was longer today than expected. There's a few if statements below, and I've underlined the ifs to accentuate the fact that this is not my relationship, I don't know the whole story. If these things apply, consider the commentary provided. I'll address your commentary regarding Andi because you have said you are doing this for her, and because the results of your explorations affect both of you.
I probably beat the deceased equus a tad discussing the primary hurdles of poly; I wanted to put them out in my own wording so that they could be taken in context with the commentary I followed up with. If those aren't concerns for you, then that's great. [:)]
Yer darn tootin about feelings rarely having anything to do with rationale. I suspect rationalized feelings are really more a basis for justification than anything else. There should be a happy medium between the dash for happiness and imposed self-control. In the case of wanting something only one way, Andi's entitled to the ideal; just make sure she's tempered that with the reality check that an ideal is often impossible to attain. If that check isn't in place, she will end up choking on her own tail [so to speak] as she runs herself ragged in an emotional circle. Needing proof from you about your thoughts and feelings is a strong sign of deep-seated insecurity, and that uncertainty is something she needs to deal with. It's no different for sub or Dom; you don't believe in yourself, you can't believe you're good enough for anything or anyone else in the long haul. You've addressed the 'why' of that in your post - but how does she deal with it? [That's rhetorical, no way you wanna post an answer to that here.] In another light: if Andi was expected to pleasure the other woman, and she has doubts as to whether she pleases you...well, wouldn't that compound the issue?
As I previously mentioned, I have been in a situation somewhat similar. I remember what I did to try and help, and I remember that sometimes, I tried not just to help, but to fix. Big distinction between the two, and a bad, bad idea. That's nothing more than a reality check for you, mein freund; remember, this is her battle. You can support her, and that's all. Going beyond that leads to enabling, and if you try to deal with this for her she'll never have the foundation for the self-confidence she requires. In fact, it's more problematic than that, as it doesn't just prevent her from facing her demons; it leads to an over-reliance on you that, sooner or later, you will fail to live up to.
If Andi cannot be more active in this search, then she should be asking herself how significant it is to her. How badly can you need something you won't strive for yourself? Again, if that's the case then withdrawing to be a twosome is healthier for both of you in the long run, until she knows more of why she feels the way she does. To word it bluntly: anyone who has suffered from multiple bad relationships and possesses a high sex drive, coupled with feelings of inadequacy, strikes me as someone who lacks the empowerment I think LA might have been driving at [and here I will add, I believe in equal rights, not man-hating, so by empowerment I merely mean what would make Andi appreciate herself in the manner she deserves]. I've seen a fair number of people who equate sex with self-esteem [if I do this, you love me; if I don't do it, regardless of the reason, you don't love me...], and while I wouldn't state that this is the case here...it might be. Better to consider the idea and be wrong, than discard it and find out it was right...
This more or less leads back to my push for communication in my previous post. The two of you have to hash out where you're at in this whole process [and it is a process; poly is not something that can spontaneously happen overnight without one skeleton or another popping up]. Be clear on yourselves and each other. Be clear on where you're going, and how you're getting there. Otherwise, you'll do a million hits and misses without anything to show for it. [Remember my post in the Poly Forum? I believe structure is something people don't verbalize with poly, but what would poly be without structure - no rules, no understanding, no pecking order? I recall getting extremely few responses, as well...you've no idea how much that concerned me, and I say that not to judge. It stuns me how many people expect long-term relationships without effort.]
I hope the best for both of you, and I worry a bit. I'll be following up with a cmail on the other side...
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