RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (Full Version)

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Twicehappy2x -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/19/2008 3:28:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Hello hello Jewel and twicehappy This is Abraxus on mistoferin's screen name lol. I know this is a bit off topic but I wish to say that I miss the three of you big time. I know I have been lapse with communication. Just know you all are in my thoughts. If you need erin down there to assist please feel free to call. I hope you feel better soon twicehappy. You do know you can call at anytime. Hugs

Master Sage


Awwwww.....my favorite dancing Dom.....i know erin would be here in a minute, and i know you are working hard at your new job. Both of you need to know how much both of your offers of support mean to all of us.

biggest hugs, twice



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/19/2008 6:24:49 AM)

Abraxus... you look funny in that fairy outfit! Thank you my friend... I know your new job is time consuming but we miss you guys... and thank you for your thoughts.
 
LA, I'll answer you and Jay together. I'm not the ultimatum type person either, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I honestly believed there was hope, I gave until I just couldn't anymore. Like I told Scooter and twice, had it been something else... damn near anything else, I would have gladly waited. But to be told that he just wanted to stay in Chicago for the summer because he didn't want to miss out on the weekly play parties, kinkfest and all that... that was too much for me. I felt slighted, I felt "second"(if that makes any sense?) and I was angry about it. I'm past the angry part now, I'm just hurt. I don't understand that kind of selfishness. So yeah, LA, it's different to be in it, and Jay, you nailed it when you said you would do nearly anything to make it work. It's hard to just sit back and watch hope die.
 
Twice has been amazing, even with her illness. Both of my partners are so supportive. In my last email to him, where I told him that I'll ship his clothes back to him (not sure if that's class or stupidity) I also told him that he just walked away from the best thing that ever happened to him.
 
Everyone here has been so wonderful... I would love to give you all a group hug. Just don't pass that around, I'm not normally all mushy like that.
 
Jewel



pixelslave -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/19/2008 8:38:44 AM)

ShiftedJewel,
As others have said, I totally avoid the Bitch profiles as they have no appeal to me.  There was a new one in my area that appeared just yesterday, referring to men as needing to be broken, worms, and worse.  That didn't appeal to me at all.  In fact, I see it's already gone today. [sm=rofl.gif]
 
I would never reply to such a profile; instead only to that of a loving dominant with whom I had common interests that would value me both as a person and for the exchange of my submission for her dominance; one with whom I could have a lasting D/s based relationship that always included mutual respect following anything we ever shared. [;)]
 
 - pixel



mistoferin -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/20/2008 6:11:48 AM)

Jewel,
I just wanted to send you some hugs. I know how bad you want to be able to fulfill this part of you and I know how frustrated you are. Probably to the point of feeling like giving up because you think that what you want just doesn't even exist. I know...it wasn't all that long ago I was feeling that way too. It will come though...most likely when you least expect it to and it will hit you like a Mack truck in an intersection.

As far as me coming down to help out, that's not an issue. The bigger issue is NOT coming down...at least for me. I just feel like I *should* be there and I know damn well that you would feel the same way. All of you are like family to me. Love Ya!




LuvnFemAuthority -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/21/2008 7:41:47 AM)

<helpful tone>
I took a look at your profile and I think I may see the source of the problem: too sparse.  I have rewritten my profile a few times (sometimes at the not so nice suggestion of others) to try to convey as best I can exactly the type of person I am looking for.  It has lessened the number of fakers and wackjobs significantly.  Be honest, be up front, and don't expect most of collarme to troll the forums just for a glimpse of who you are.  It's unlikely they will take the time. 

And I still get form letters on occasion.  Just can't do anything about that.

I don't mean this to be a hard pill to swallow.  Some folks on here can be harsh in their critiques.  I'm trying not to use the same tone they did with me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

A conversation I was having with a friend earlier, combined with what just happened to me, has made me really wonder. Do female dominants have to be a bitch? I don't mean that in a hateful way, I'm just saying that it seems like the more demanding, the more degrading, the more pushy we are the better the response from male submissives (yeah, I say that like they really exist... ha ha). Yeah, I'm ranting a little but mainly I really want to know! I am at a complete loss here, I don't understand. Ok, I'm poly, and I know that narrows the feild, but I don't hide it and honestly, it hasn't been the problem. It just seems that the nicer you are the less response you get. Do men really want to be treated like crap? Come on... some honest answers here, ok?
 
Jewel



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/21/2008 8:21:45 AM)

Thank you for the advise but it's sparse on purpose. It used to be long, then longer, then rediculous but over the years I've discovered that they rarely get read anyway.
 
Jewel



peterK50 -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/22/2008 5:48:16 AM)

I don't need to be called names, you really don't even have to raise your voice. I'm a slave for goodness sakes, I WANT to do what I'm told. Ranters & ravers just upset me & make it more likely I'll mess up.



welcomerain -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/22/2008 9:47:24 PM)

Sometimes it's several types of bad behaviour reinforcing each other.

I've met Dominants who stress the importance of grovelling and being on your knees from the moment you first make contact. I think that guys who are likely to tell a real bitch where to get off may be more likely to give those people a miss. This means the responses these women do get are more likely to be wannabes, and the bitchy women get even bitchier when too many people who promised them they would put up with anything bail out at the first sign of commitment.

On the other hand, there seem to be plenty of men who make a point of answering every ad in sight, and a Dominant who is seriously looking for one person and has high but reasonable standards has to wade through a lot of chaff to find a grain of wheat. This encourages them to make more and more demands upfront in order to stem the tide of idiots. Being male and searching for a female, I can avoid a lot of problems simply by banning men from sending me e-mail. Anyone searching for a man can't do this. I'm sure there are plenty of "nice" doms out there, but I'm not sure how they stay nice if they're on the system for too long.

Of course, the problem with appearing too nice is that you're in danger of attracting people who think you're not seriously interested in a permanent dom/sub relationship. Plenty of people want BDSM play in the bedroom but otherwise want a vanilla life, which is fine, but I can see how you wouldn't want to attract people like that if you want a total power exchange. This means you pretty much have to drive home the dominance angle right from the beginning, which may mean coming across as nastier than you are.

Reading the rest of the thread it doesn't sound so much as if the OP's problem really was that she wasn't "bitchy" enough. If anything, it sounds like the man in question was actively looking for a nice person - the better to take advantage of her. Sounds like the guy seemed nicer than he was and he messed up what might have been the best thing that ever happened to him. Well screw him then.

Personally, I agree with other subs here that I'd rather talk to someone capable of being polite and funny. I don't always mind the "Bitch Goddess From Hell" persona, but it's usually a good idea to make sure people know that that is not all there is to you.



stella41b -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/22/2008 10:30:07 PM)

Coming back...

Knowing more about the situation, I just thought I would add the following - being submissive isn't a replacement nor a substitute for solid commitment.

I'm going through a parallel situation in the theatre. I'm currently directing two plays of a trilogy. Both were to open in April, it's now late June, the plays aren't going to be opening together like I planned, but separately towards the end of July. So much for a summer season of work. The thing is, I need to stage both performances to start a major project for Government funding.

The main problem has been a conflict between actresses and finding actors. Now this isn't amateur dramatics, this is fringe theatre and eventually the actors will be paid and employed. However I refuse to pay people to rehearse. They get paid to perform, at least initially. I've been very specific in stating that no experience is necessary - I give them training, materials, everything, will even prepare them for drama courses and sign them up with professional acting agencies. However I require commitment and a bit of effort. From about sixty or seventy people I have now seven actors and actresses. I'm sure more than a few Dommes could themselves draw a clear analogy from these figures when thinking about meeting submissives.

I've just got through a 3 week hiatus where no rehearsals took place. There was a pattern.. within 4 hours of a rehearsal I'd get a text 'sorry can't make it' I let it slide another week. Then I cancelled all rehearsals and called a meeting - clear the air. I was accused of not motivating the cast, not pushing them, and so I asked them if they wanted me to supply disposable diapers too?

I've only worked in professional theatre once. Three months. Three months of well known actors arguing over a script, three months of script readings, three months of excuses. I walked out. 'Theatre is like the military' I was told in drama school, 'a director is like a drill sergeant'. I beg to differ. I know people who have worked with Roman Polanski, Andrzej Wajda, they don't bark or shout orders. Neither do I. I have a nickname in the theatres I've worked in - 'ghost'. You forget I'm there, I sit, silent, watching, observing, the odd comment. I vanish, reappear, one minute I'm at the back of the auditorium. Next minute I'm gently guiding your arm to show you where you should be stood on the stage. I told my actors I don't care when the play hits the stage, I'm not the one going out on stage, but I don't want to look stupid by directing a badly prepared play, and I've had to cancel no more than 3 performances since I started in 1990.

You can tell the 'drill sergeant' directors if ever you walk into a theatre. It's not a performance, it's a human puppet show. The actors are tense, so is the audience. The audience is what theatre is all about, they make the arrangements, they buy the tickets, they turn up, they want a performance. I want my audiences to enjoy the performances, therefore I want my actors to enjoy performing, which is why the commitment, discipline and motivation should really come from them.

But can't we here make the same analogy when it comes to submissives? Isn't this what a Domme wants - a submissive who enjoys being with her, who enjoys serving and who enjoys submission? Isn't this what it's all about, being a submissive? In being given the opportunity to be your natural submissive self? Are you a submissive or not? You are? Then why do you need the external motivation? Surely the motivation and commitment should really come from you, right?

My story has a happy ending. I found a new actress to replace the old one, but I need time to prepare the play. I gave my actors a week longer, set the dates, and decided we're all going off to Torture Garden in London to celebrate.

I'm saddened by the experiences of ShiftedJewel the OP, and don't feel the profile makes any difference. Few people read them properly anyway.. I sometimes feel that if I translated my profile into Hungarian or Turkish it wouldn't make a difference to what comes into my Inbox. It's enough that there's two words at the top 'Female' and 'Dominant'. The rest I feel comes from asking questions, taking the time to take an interest in the other person, finding out what they are looking for and interested in, getting to know them.

I just wish for ShiftedJewel that it all works out in the end and there's a happy ending.



littlesarbonn -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/22/2008 11:17:23 PM)

Personally, I think the problem exists on a few levels. First off, there's the obvious fantasy of the hot dominant who barks out orders. But I think that's really just the surface of the problem, and I don't actually think the expectation of that is what is causing the problem.

I think the problem stems more from an attitude expectation of submissives. I started to notice this myself in the lifestyle area rather than the professional dominant area. You see, my original history resulted in me being owned by women who happened to also be professional dominants. So they were exposed to certain expectations of how they handled themselves, and quite often it defaulted to their treatment of me. Now, years later, as I've gone from having lots of friendships with professional dominants to mainly being a part of the outskirts crowd of the bdsm community (due to personal choices of my own), I've discovered it's a completely different demeanor. It took me awhile to put my finger on it, but it's almost like the lifestyle side of the house backlashed against the professional stereotype side of the house so that there's an expectation of submissive service without almost ANY of the trappings of what used to be stereotypical bdsm dynamics. Now, that can be good or bad, depending upon one's situation and desires, but I think a lot of submissives still equate the harshness of a dominant with something that is needed in real life as well. When the dominant is anything but that, it can set up a dynamic that is opposite of what someone believes is expected, and it can actually lead to problems.

Think of it this way. If there is a problem between the submissive and the dominant, and maybe it is just one of the usual relationship problems that have absolutely nothing to do with what I'm talking about. Quite often, people aren't very good at figuring out the root causes for what is wrong in a relationship dynamic (that's why they do have relationship counselors for such things), so if someone is in one of these bdsm relationships and can't figure out why something might be wrong but feels something is wrong, or missing. It's not hard to allow one's mind to "realize" that the familiar trappings of bdsm happen to be the one thing missing from the dynamic. The submissive might not even need or really want it. I know I didn't want or need it, but there were a couple of times where I really felt there was something wrong with a previous relationship, and I chalked it up to a lifestyle relationship that didn't seem to really be a bdsm one. It's not hard for the addition to come to that sort of conclusion, even if the conclusion is not correct.

I see this a lot of times when I read some of the commentaries from the dominants on the boards that equate their dominant relationships as almost a normal, social relationship, and I sometimes have to wonder to myself if that would really work for two people, if the submissive is seeking something a little more blatant. Sometimes, I think some of us go out of our way to avoid being in the bdsm lifestyle just to buck the normal trends of what is expected of the bdsm lifestyle. It's like the really bad example of someone saying "I can dominate someone while wearing jeans." Yes, you can. But it removes a layer of stylistic bdsm from expectations, which doesn't mean it's the worst thing in the world, but in conjunction with other distance causing effects, I can see how a submissive might rethink a particular bdsm relationship by actually believing he or she isn't really in a bdsm relationship. It reminds me of a female friend of mine who was the personal slave of one of the most sought after professional dominants of some years back, who kind of went a lot more reclusive these days and only handles special clients these days. Anyway, my friend and I were always known as the same kind of slaves, and there was a joke that someone could have replaced one with the other, and the dominant would probably never notice. But what I noticed was that even though this dominant was involved in some of the most intricate sessions that were taking place in the 20th century, her interactions with her personal slave became less and less bdsm related. It was like she became the dominant's badly treated girlfriend after some time. The bdsm stuff just kind of ended, except in name only. It did not surprise me that they ended up going separate ways. But to this day, neither of them know why it happened. But to an outsider, it was pretty easy to watch how less and less bdsm was involved in their relationship as they became more and more of an item together. And before you knew it, they just moved apart, hating each other forever since.

Anyway, just some thoughts.



DelilahDeb -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/23/2008 1:30:54 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

See, that's what I don't understand! They come back for more?

Thank you Shawn, I've apparently met too many that think they know what they want but have no desire to do anything to get there.

And thank you LadyH... been a rough day, I wanna cry and stomp my feet and yell about how unfair life is... and be all childish like that. This thread was the other alternative.

Jewel



Weird. Very Weird. Even when I'm not feeling grumpy that yet another CHsW (clueless hetboy sub wannabe) has addressed his message to me beginning with "mistress" and ending with a request from London or N'yawk or Croatia or Egypt to be trained to be a slave, he's got his web cam all set up and ready to go...

...still, I give one firm reply and haven't had to bother blocking them. <shrug> I did get extra testy with (come on, ladies, let's call 'em as they are--testy, short for testicles and that toxic testosterone) one guy recently. He got one polite firm sentence, and one grumpy one, ending with READ the FUCKING PROFILE. (Or, as we tech writers used to say among ourselves..."RTFM".)

Bitch? Hell, if they want that kind of treatment they have only to read (oh, yeah...they're too lazy) my profile to see that I'm not that sort of domina. Demeaning language? to a sub? someone I want to play with again? NOT.

Someone I hope never to see again, sure, I'll cheerfully tell HIM "No. you are rude, crude, vulgar, uncouth, unmannerly, and unwashed."

Lady Delilah Deb

P.s. The angrier I get, the more formal, controlled, correct of language...and eruditely scathing I become. I hope I never need it again, it's bad for my B.P.




Lordandmaster -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/23/2008 1:34:30 AM)

Well, in my experience, the bitchy ones tend to suck better cock.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

Do female dominants have to be a bitch?



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/23/2008 7:09:49 AM)

LMAO... You're such an ass Lam....
 
And thank you Sarbonn... that made a lot of sense and really helped me to understand what happened. Thank you for taking the time.
 
Jewel



Daes -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/23/2008 1:49:29 PM)

I can say i've met an exception, love her tons and her name is Tracy. She's more the "Mommy" kind of woman, she loves to caress and she thoroughly appreciates and loves a good bath or massage. Tracy has always been gracious, loving and compassionate and she had a firm hand when she felt it necessary. I miss her dearly. She's the sweetest and most caring person in the world.



LotusSong -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/24/2008 7:47:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

A conversation I was having with a friend earlier, combined with what just happened to me, has made me really wonder. Do female dominants have to be a bitch? I don't mean that in a hateful way, I'm just saying that it seems like the more demanding, the more degrading, the more pushy we are the better the response from male submissives (yeah, I say that like they really exist... ha ha). Yeah, I'm ranting a little but mainly I really want to know! I am at a complete loss here, I don't understand. Ok, I'm poly, and I know that narrows the feild, but I don't hide it and honestly, it hasn't been the problem. It just seems that the nicer you are the less response you get. Do men really want to be treated like crap? Come on... some honest answers here, ok?
 
Jewel


I refuse to let a male sub goad me into acting like a male dom.  I have class. I don't need a dick.. I don't have to use foul language and I get my point and desires across quite nicely.



mistoferin -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/24/2008 8:04:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong
I refuse to let a male sub goad me into acting like a male dom.  I have class. I don't need a dick.. I don't have to use foul language and I get my point and desires across quite nicely.


I never realized that those were the general characteristics of male doms. You do realize that the OP is married to a male dom?




Skully7000 -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/24/2008 8:54:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz

I think some of it might be from watching too much porn. It sounds bad.. but if you poke through some of the fem domme porn, it seems to be a lot of "You stupid pig, You worthless pile" etc.

A friend of mine has a domme profile on this site- her responses to most guys are horrible.. and they eat it up and come back for more.



then the question is: do you think that more guys are into objectification and humiliation then women are?



LotusSong -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/24/2008 9:11:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong
I refuse to let a male sub goad me into acting like a male dom.  I have class. I don't need a dick.. I don't have to use foul language and I get my point and desires across quite nicely.


I never realized that those were the general characteristics of male doms. You do realize that the OP is married to a male dom?




Like I should care?   I just presented my thoughts to the OP in general.  Haven't you noticed the fetishes guys want?  It's not the feminine power they desire.. its an impersonation of male power in a feminine package they relate to.  They want to be "overpowered" or "forced" or basically bullied.  Women convince and seduce.  This is basically foreign to males in general because it takes too long to achieve their goal.  Women are more cat and mouse. [:)]



cloudboy -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/24/2008 9:40:32 PM)

Maybe what you are observing is how bitchiness makes the cock grow hard for a certain crowd of men.

The real answer to your question, however, was contained in post #4 of LA's fourth suggested thread.



Akinta -> RE: Seriously... Do you have to be a bitch? (6/25/2008 2:57:10 AM)

Hah, this topic has been a good read. I'm surprised to not see any of the reverse, however - a male sub mailing a male dom needing these things, though it seems we men are the ones who're supposed to be gruff and rude to their property. I admit I like to break things (i'm a great product tester, if it can be broken, I'll undoubtedly do it. Works great on women too!), but that's not what I set out for in a relationship. Our profile has gotten quite a few musing from male subs begging to be tormented in one way or another. Oddly enough, I take the time to respond to them all and let them know we're not interested in such a thing, which it seems is pretty uncommon on this site. I'm often surprised by the number of people who NEVER email back when I send out a hello, despite taking the time to actually read someone's profile and make intelligent conversation. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I sound like the men who email me ;) but then I remember that most of these poor girls have 9 billion messages a day.. so I'm going to have to agree that we need to hook all the posers up with other posers so the rest of us can go on with our daily business. Mhmm. Done deal.

As to the situation, i agree it sounds EXTREMELY frustrating to have someone so close and so there, and then to have this one fatal flaw - and that's what it sounds like to me, fatal - that just makes you throw up your hands and wonder what curse someone has placed on you. I'd like to call this effect 'blue balls'. Yeah, now you know how it feels. Though, that pain's a bit more physical and can be resolved fairly timely. I wish you luck in finding someone else, and have to agree with others, keep going for what you seek. ignore the rest. needle in a haystack.



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