RE: New to submission

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: New to submission

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: New to submission

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: New to submission - 6/20/2008 6:01:34 AM

MrFester

Posts: 48
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline

We have now joined a local bdsm group and will be attending the next munch for our area. We have ordered sm 101 and Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns. Hoping they will shed some light on things for us. And she has a submissive personality. Our whole marriage it has been there, we just hadn't realized it yet, and that's my fault for taking so long to see it in both of us. Thanks for the advice thus far. Any more would be appreciated.

(in reply to NeedingMore220)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: New to submission - 6/24/2008 9:41:37 AM

XxSpiderxX

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

As far as what underxyouxhand said, I believe she simply misrepresented her viewpoint on it.
She did start her statement with an "I think" Which probably means that for her thats what being a submissive means. And as far as a simple "Thank you" goes, Let me tell you its not enough to "Simply" say thank you. She means an action, like a little thank you text or note. More of an actual concrete gesture of thank you then the hollow words, although sometimes that is all it takes. At least thats the way it works for us. Take from it what you will.

_____________________________

-Master Spider

"Expect my visit when darkness falls, the night, I think, is best for hiding all"

(in reply to MrFester)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: New to submission - 6/24/2008 11:56:23 AM

MasterDragon1963

Posts: 51
Joined: 10/2/2005
Status: offline

Keep an open mind, a steady nerve, and follow your heart.

Master Dragon

_____________________________

It is not enough to walk thru the fire, but to embrace it, the flesh may be burned, but the pureness of the spirit shall endure forever.

(in reply to puppypauer)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: New to submission - 6/24/2008 12:00:11 PM

MasterDragon1963

Posts: 51
Joined: 10/2/2005
Status: offline

Oh, and to save some money on your journey, i recommend buying the 'better built bondage book", it has tons of info on techniques and toy making from newbie stuff to more advanced torture toys. for about $26 you cant go wrong.

Master Dragon

_____________________________

It is not enough to walk thru the fire, but to embrace it, the flesh may be burned, but the pureness of the spirit shall endure forever.

(in reply to MrFester)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: New to submission - 6/24/2008 12:12:13 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Don't worry about doing things "correctly." Do whatever makes you both smile and grow.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to MasterDragon1963)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: New to submission - 6/24/2008 12:53:43 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

To the Op and her Master.

Yes I said Master because that is what SHE called him and that is the only point that matters in this.

Few things I wish people had told me when I was just getting statted and I hope it will help.

1) Read all you want just know that they are opinions at the end of the day if you did something someone told you not to and you are happy with the results then you did what you were supposed to.

2) Always ask those giving you advice if they are in a Secure D/s Relationship with the Partner of thier choice. The People Blowing Hardest are usually those who are filled with the most air and who sleep alone.

3) Everything anyone tells you EVEN THIS is all up to interpertation, if it helps then it was worthwhile if it doesn't then move on to something else that does.

4) HAVE FUN, if it isn't fun then why do it, Sure you may want what you want but if you aren't having fun then are you really getting what you want? I also suggest not taking yourself so seriously but only you can decide that as some Dom's like taking themselves seriously.

5) People REGULARLY Talk Straight out thier asses so you have to be careful what advice you take you never know if the person giving it know s what they are talking about or made it up as they went along.

6) No matter what happens ..... DISCUSS IT. Talk about it never just assume everything is okay or fine talk about how both of you feel about what happens between you , Discuss what you would like to try and be willing to try new things even when you really aren't comefortable caue you never know what won't like unless you really understand it some things don't take Practice and others you really will never know unless you do it.

7) The First, Second, and Last person you should talk to when you are upset is EACHOTHER. Coming on these boards and airing dirty laundry will only lead to people making comments that eventually lead to hurt feelings or Nasty Verbal Conforntations a no one needs that.

8) No Book can teach you how to Undo something once you have done it so really don't go into things half cocked and cocky as hell because that combination leads to hospital visits and Law Suits.

9) RACK, or SSC or Whatever Mantra you want to use will not keep you out of being prosecuted so remember to keep your blinds closed and always have an excuse for the loud noises.

10) For Gods Sake, Don't let Cats in the room when you Play with Fire, it is a BAD combination and believe it or not Vets are a LOT LESS UNDERSTANDING then Doctors are about Burns.

In all seriousness Do what you want and forget those who think you need anything other than your love for each other to be active in this lifestyle

Just take things slowly at first cause actual scars are reminders that always make wish you would have.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: New to submission - 6/24/2008 1:27:46 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

Steel - i really like #10 - the imagination is running rampent!

and Mr Fester - going to munches and parties is a great way to find out what you like- especially if people are playing. If someone is doing something you like, express an interest and there is a really good chance that they would be willing to teach you. And as another poster said - the most important part of bdsm is between your ears - the rest - floggings, canings, crawling etc etc - is just window dressing. If the two of you have the desire, then the rest will fall into place.
Have a great journey.

Happily 24/7 for the past 2 1/2 years.
ps if your sub wants to email me she is more than welcome. I was brand new 2 1/2 years ago, and survived it. (grins)

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: New to submission - 6/24/2008 2:05:04 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: underXyourXhand

i dont think you can really "learn" to be a submissive. its a personality trait. being a submissive means you will do whatever it takes to please him and expect nothing in return but maybe a simple thank you. you cant learn to be submissive.

DISCLAIMER: My thoughts do not constitue rules for you unless you're wearing my collar. Heck, even then my thoughts don't constitute commands unless I make them so. So please feel free to debate as you will, but let's not drag out the "don't judge my kink" card.

There's a pretty broad base of material out there that would contradict this. You can train leaders and followers both. Being "submissive", means a lot of things, but more than anything, it means that you are willing to yield at least some of the time to another person's opinion. This is definitely a skill that can be developed... in fact, I'd guess that every new slave has to develop it a great deal and probably most new subs. People come to submission (or dominance) from a great many different directions and not all of them are "natural subs". In fact, the reality is that a great deal of at least male subs (not too sure of the female ones) are composed of people who are quite definitely NOT submissive in other areas of their lives. A "naturally submissive" person is about as useful as a "naturally good tennis player".... that is to say almost useless unless those natural inclinations are developed and then placed into a context where they can become assets. You know the old saw.. 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration....

I'd also quibble with your analysis of "expect nothing in return." This might work in the firefly relationships of play scenes needing to last somewhere between an hour and a few months tops. It also definitely works for online only relationships where other needs are getting met way outside the context of the D/s relationship (or even that particular submissive persona). But for me at least, building a long-term (40 year) live-in relationship, any woman that I would marry to start with would be quite a bit more complicated than that and have quite a few more needs than simply to serve my masterly ass. At least for me, I would assume that any sub who told me that she expected "nothing in return" from me hadn't done enough self-examination to know what she wanted.

I can definitely tell you that my girl has a long list of things that she needs.. many of which have absolutely nothign to do with me... all of which became my responsibility the moment I took responsibility for her in her entirety (slave). Things like, "Needs to get more socialization outside the house... too introverted", and "Needs to develop her art skills more, too much time and focus in corporate america". The new one coming up on my radar screen is "Needs to live in a less urban area so maybe we need to move". Those are the kinds of things my slavegirl gets back from me... and they're a lot of work to deliver on... not "nothing".

Submission is not a goal in and of itself. Knowing that enables you to ask the real question... "So what is the goal?"

(in reply to underXyourXhand)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: New to submission - 6/24/2008 2:05:18 PM

dragon2760

Posts: 114
Joined: 5/8/2008
Status: offline

Both of you should read the book SM101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman. And as he says in the book: "You almost never get into serious trouble by going too slowly."

_____________________________

"When two people are alone together, and one of them is naked and tied up, and the other is standing over them holding whips and other torture implements, this is not the time to have a serious mismatch of expectations." Jay Wiseman

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: New to submission - 6/24/2008 2:10:26 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
...10) For Gods Sake, Don't let Cats in the room when you Play with Fire, it is a BAD combination and believe it or not Vets are a LOT LESS UNDERSTANDING then Doctors are about Burns.
.....

Wow, it's not often that I read anyone's 10 rules of D/s and actually think it's worthwhile.. Kudos to you for this. And the last rule... priceless *laughs*.

~Jeff
vanilla dom par excellence

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: New to submission - 6/24/2008 2:37:19 PM

lalbobbilynn

Posts: 483
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline

Remember to laugh, together!
b.~

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 31

RE: New to submission - 6/24/2008 2:37:30 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

Because I feel I should explain and because it might come up for them and since it somewhat follows the Topic here you go.

In the BDSM Bloopers Thread I made this Post

Okay this is a Blooper I am PROUD of !!!

I Set The Cat on FIRE!

We were doing some extremem fire play and I was using a fire Baton and some 151 to run trails up the back of her legs. The Cat came into the room and knocked over the 151 and then ran like hell knocking over the Candle I was using (LIKE AN IDIOT) to light the Baton. The candle landed on the puddle just in time for the Cat to flare up as it ran out the room.

I doused the Fire on the floor with the wet towel leaving the girl tied to the hobby horse as I ran out into the livingroom to watch the Cat do a flying roll onto the couch nearly starting the throw pillow on Fire.

Why am I Proud?

Cause I left that Pussy Smoking!!

Seriously folks when doing Fire play try not to maintain a lit flame on anything OTHER then the tool you are currently using.

If you are a member of PETA, I am SOOOOOOO SORRY!

As Always

Steel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Addition if at all possible Keep Stick Matches and a Coffee Cup of Water to Douce them in when playing with fire as Lighters can cause unexpected problems as well.

Now you know.

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 32

RE: New to submission - 6/25/2008 7:49:14 AM

tandm

Posts: 16
Joined: 4/14/2008
Status: offline

I have never known a D/s that are both new. I think (and may be wrong-happens a lot ) most Doms are self-trained (books, rope practice, knowing what kinds of punishments and such that they want to use) before they bring on a sub. I think you both need to do tons of reading and research before you start things off too much. I was lucky, my Master had been in the lifestyle for over 20 years before I met him, think if it had not been that way, it would not be as easy to have my life restructured.

(in reply to puppypauer)

Profile

Post #: 33

RE: New to submission - 6/27/2008 4:00:42 PM

slayergirl6985

Posts: 9
Joined: 6/8/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: underXyourXhand

i dont think you can really "learn" to be a submissive. its a personality trait. being a submissive means you will do whatever it takes to please him and expect nothing in return but maybe a simple thank you. you cant learn to be submissive.

DISCLAIMER: My thoughts do not constitue rules for you unless you're wearing my collar. Heck, even then my thoughts don't constitute commands unless I make them so. So please feel free to debate as you will, but let's not drag out the "don't judge my kink" card.

There's a pretty broad base of material out there that would contradict this. You can train leaders and followers both. Being "submissive", means a lot of things, but more than anything, it means that you are willing to yield at least some of the time to another person's opinion. This is definitely a skill that can be developed... in fact, I'd guess that every new slave has to develop it a great deal and probably most new subs. People come to submission (or dominance) from a great many different directions and not all of them are "natural subs". In fact, the reality is that a great deal of at least male subs (not too sure of the female ones) are composed of people who are quite definitely NOT submissive in other areas of their lives. A "naturally submissive" person is about as useful as a "naturally good tennis player".... that is to say almost useless unless those natural inclinations are developed and then placed into a context where they can become assets. You know the old saw.. 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration....

I'd also quibble with your analysis of "expect nothing in return." This might work in the firefly relationships of play scenes needing to last somewhere between an hour and a few months tops. It also definitely works for online only relationships where other needs are getting met way outside the context of the D/s relationship (or even that particular submissive persona). But for me at least, building a long-term (40 year) live-in relationship, any woman that I would marry to start with would be quite a bit more complicated than that and have quite a few more needs than simply to serve my masterly ass. At least for me, I would assume that any sub who told me that she expected "nothing in return" from me hadn't done enough self-examination to know what she wanted.

I can definitely tell you that my girl has a long list of things that she needs.. many of which have absolutely nothign to do with me... all of which became my responsibility the moment I took responsibility for her in her entirety (slave). Things like, "Needs to get more socialization outside the house... too introverted", and "Needs to develop her art skills more, too much time and focus in corporate america". The new one coming up on my radar screen is "Needs to live in a less urban area so maybe we need to move". Those are the kinds of things my slavegirl gets back from me... and they're a lot of work to deliver on... not "nothing".

Submission is not a goal in and of itself. Knowing that enables you to ask the real question... "So what is the goal?"

I agree with your opinion in this situation. I'm currently in the learning only stage of this lifestyle. I'm not currently seeing anyone and have yet to decide where I'm going to go with the information I'm learning. I do know that if I choose to participate in the lifestyle I will be a sub. Now I know there is a lot to learn about being a sub and I think it is important to know exactly what you want from the relationship. If you don't know what you want, how can you really adhere to others needs? When reading the final paragraph of this post I realized that I want that in my relationship. I expect that when I'm with someone that they take a certain amount of responsiblity for my well being. In truth I like having someone who helps me reach my goals and recognizes my needs that I tend to neglect. It makes me feel that they really care about me and that they want the best for me. I know that doing things for the person I care about brings me joy. I have always enjoyed cooking and other little things for the one that I care about and if I happen to find someone compatible that would enjoy exploring this lifestyle (or that is already a part of it) I fully intend to do so. Many of the things I have read lead me to believe that I will enjoy this lifestyle, but I will only truely know once I have experienced it. This is just my opinion on these comments and I know that I have yet to actually experience this type of relationship, but I felt that this opinion on whether or not you could learn to be a sub was very similar to my own opinion and wanted to acknowledge that.

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 34