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Bethnai -> I have been collared (6/18/2008 9:29:12 PM)
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I have a job. At least I can say that and I know that there are many that do not. I am thankful for it. I am also fortunate that I like it, most of the time. I am also not the type of individual that is seeking a person to “save” me from having to work.
I made a comment about a month ago to a Dom that I had been emailing with and I wrote, “I have been collared by my job.” It was funny at the time. We had been playing email tag for about two weeks. As it turned out, I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him so its not the fault of my job. What if he was worth it?
Its not that funny now. Two days ago I came home over 4 hours after my shift should have ended and I did not want to go directly to bed because I did not want to be up all night. It was 11:30 AM. I sat on my living room floor and drank several glasses of Captain and Coke. I did not turn the tv, the radio or a video game on. I drank until at least 4:30 in the afternoon. I am repeating in my head everything that had occurred. I am seeking Oblivion and I’m not talking about the video game.
This is not a case of I need a hobby. I have many. I am an excellent cook and I study, or did, international cuisines. I can take out some aggression on some vegetables. I study, or did, directors or followers of Stanislovsky. I have joined groups where that was our focus. I can recite Shakespeare, although to date there has never been a need for it. I have a deep passion for foreign policy and human rights. I read, or did, everything. I love video games. I have a UM that dictates what I play now, or did. Every available night I would cuff myself. I have not done this in awhile. I used to have friends and they are no longer my friends because I made this job transition. My local best friend just offered to spank me and well, he isn’t my best friend anymore. In retrospect, Eddie Murphy was right.
I don’t know what I am asking for. I think, validation on sacrifices. I think, too, I am doing everything “right” as far as life choices. I read and am trying to prevent that Dom frenzy shit. Its a real bad plan. But within 2 months it will be here. I don’t want that. Maybe, I am being childish, but so what if I am. I really feel weird and alone.
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