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How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/20/2008 11:10:45 AM

Horne

Posts: 10
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline

Hello everyone. I have been lurking here for a while trying to gain more insight into my current relationship. I met someone from another site not long after I joined this one. I keep coming back here to read the message boards because I am new to BDSM.

About this woman. First I really like her as a person as much as what we do in the bedroom. It has only been a couple of months but things have progressed a lot. She asked to move in with me and live 24/7 as my sub. As good as things have been it seemed a good thing to do. This happened 2 weeks ago. A few days ago I got an email from an account I knew was one of her old bf's. He had spied on her while they were together and the stuff in the email is shocking. I look at her and cant believe half of it. There is some massively bad stuff in it. Bad choices, criminal stuff, at least half a dozen sexual parnters she hid from him during their last few months together. He even had names, phone numbers, emails, chats, places they had met. She had told me that they had a bad relationship but not gone much into detail other than that he was always accusing her of cheating.

I dont see any of it. I am going to let her read the email, then talk to her. I dont believe in judging people by their past but some of the things are bad and its not just the cheating. I mean bad in criminal way. She does not talk much about her past. It is like a closed off wall except for a few things. What makes it so hard is that what I see of her is like night and day to what is in this email. I cant imagine it from the two months I have known her.

I can accept the past, but what really throws me in it is how easy she lies to other people. I think this question is different for men than women. If a submissive was to ask this kind of question I think he or she would be told to drop the other and run as fast away as possible so I am curious to what Doms would do.

I plan to let her read it then ask her about it. I think I have a right to know about the criminal stuff, not so much the cheating and running around.

There are two things I can see happening.

One she says it is true. If she does, how would that affect your decisions? I dont plan on dropping her over this, but if it is true the trust that is in place is going to be hurt if only because I had to learn it this way.

Two she denies it all. If she does that, would you as a Dom pursue finding out? I can run a background/criminal record check but would you?

Post #: 1

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/20/2008 11:17:03 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

It sounds like you've been going around in a happy haze and got abruptly jerked back to earth. This isn't bad, but you don't want to make a backlash of it.

Showing it to her and asking about it is more than reasonable. Going at it with a "right to know" attitude shows a touch of anger and fear and at this point there's literally no justification for it as far as you can tell.

If it's true? The trust is broken because of HOW you learned it? Well what prevented you from asking about it before? You were content to live in ignorance- don't get upset and blame her for loss of trust because of that. If she LIED about the past or what she did in the past was a lot of crappy stuff, then you have reason to step back and build SECURE trust, rather than the fluffy false trust you've had thus far.

If it's not true? Then you accept it, slow way down and ask the questions you should have been asking all along and make judgements as best you can.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Horne)

Post #: 2

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/20/2008 11:18:33 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

Possibly the ex BF is telling the truth and giving you a heads up, but honeslty, I've never, ever heard of men using the warning system, it's usually a woman's game.

Possibly, he's imbalanced and full of shit.

Probably, there is some truth and some exageration to his stories.

Personally, I think that 2 months is not long enough to know someone, if a person were putting on a facade they can keep it up quite easily for that period of time. While there are countless stories of love at first sight which have turned out wonderfully, there are just as many stories of people waking up one day and discovering the person that they thought they knew was someone completely different.

Proceed with catuion.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to Horne)

Post #: 3

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/20/2008 11:26:20 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

just my thoughts..........
2 months is hardly long enough to form good choices.
someone else coming to you with stories has a motive that serves their interests.
there is a tiny bit of truth in everything.
once a liar, always a liar. (refering to the big stuff)
every view has it's own perspective.

good luck

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 4

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/20/2008 1:48:24 PM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Horne

I look at her and cant believe half of it.

I dont see any of it.... What makes it so hard is that what I see of her is like night and day to what is in this email. I cant imagine it from the two months I have known her.

[Snipped]

"I can't believe our neighbor is a mass-murderer. He was always so quiet...and polite."

You say that she lies to other people. Do you have first-hand knowledge of this? If so, doesn't that concern you? A liar is a liar, it seems to me, and it's likely that eventually you'll be on the receiving end.

You also say you don't believe you have the right to ask her about cheating and "running around." Why do you feel you can't ask her about that? Wouldn't there be a huge elephant in the room if you don't?

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to Horne)

Post #: 5

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/20/2008 2:06:40 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

Of course i judge people by their pasts. What the hell else am i going to go on, their future? You really only have two things to go on when getting to know someone; what you know from personal experience, and what you find out about the other person.i may forgive them of their past, but i would not forget what i learn. On the other hand, seldom should you take the word of an ex at face value.

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to subtee)

Post #: 6

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/20/2008 10:25:47 PM

MrRandallspe

Posts: 110
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline

This is the reason that I take a good while to get to know all I can about the one I desire to have a serious relationship with.
I rushed into a marriage before,did not listen to others about her and got burned,badly burned.
I will not make a relationship solid until I am totally assured that she is honest and open with me. I can understand bad things that she has over come,yet I need to know everything. I do not want to be blind sided again.

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 7

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/20/2008 11:06:14 PM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Horne

Hello everyone. I have been lurking here for a while trying to gain more insight into my current relationship. I met someone from another site not long after I joined this one. I keep coming back here to read the message boards because I am new to BDSM.

About this woman. First I really like her as a person as much as what we do in the bedroom. It has only been a couple of months but things have progressed a lot. She asked to move in with me and live 24/7 as my sub. As good as things have been it seemed a good thing to do. This happened 2 weeks ago. A few days ago I got an email from an account I knew was one of her old bf's. He had spied on her while they were together and the stuff in the email is shocking. I look at her and cant believe half of it. There is some massively bad stuff in it. Bad choices, criminal stuff, at least half a dozen sexual parnters she hid from him during their last few months together. He even had names, phone numbers, emails, chats, places they had met. She had told me that they had a bad relationship but not gone much into detail other than that he was always accusing her of cheating.

I dont see any of it. I am going to let her read the email, then talk to her. I dont believe in judging people by their past but some of the things are bad and its not just the cheating. I mean bad in criminal way. She does not talk much about her past. It is like a closed off wall except for a few things. What makes it so hard is that what I see of her is like night and day to what is in this email. I cant imagine it from the two months I have known her.

I can accept the past, but what really throws me in it is how easy she lies to other people. I think this question is different for men than women. If a submissive was to ask this kind of question I think he or she would be told to drop the other and run as fast away as possible so I am curious to what Doms would do.

I plan to let her read it then ask her about it. I think I have a right to know about the criminal stuff, not so much the cheating and running around.

There are two things I can see happening.

One she says it is true. If she does, how would that affect your decisions? I dont plan on dropping her over this, but if it is true the trust that is in place is going to be hurt if only because I had to learn it this way.

Two she denies it all. If she does that, would you as a Dom pursue finding out? I can run a background/criminal record check but would you?

Horne, i'm going to be blunt here.

Get this W/woman completely out of Y/yr life...and do it NOW.

There's no D/s 'play' or sex that's worth risking any of the behaviors Y/you refer to -- absolutely nothing is worth being in a bad relationship for one more day.

From what Y/you've written, i infer there's some possibility she's innocent as a lamb and just has a old boyfriend haunting her.

But the odds are overwhelming against this....don't wait till Y/you 'know for sure'.

Be self-protective and get out now.

All of this is JMO, but i'm not talking out of my ass here either.

pinksugarsub

_____________________________

(in reply to Horne)

Post #: 8

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/21/2008 5:23:56 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

Good relationships are built on a foundation of respect, honesty trust and open communication...put the brakes on ... 6 weeks and being asked to moved in together is rushing things..you have not put in the time yet to get to know each other to know you are compatible and learn of each others quirks.. for now discuss the email with her...it is time now for a very frank discussion before taking the relationship any farther ..if she is giving up answers that still seem mixed about the criminal stuff or truths .. you can often dig online yourself for court convictions in most states. or pay a fee and have dug up for you but if you do feel that is the route you have to go to, you probably already have noticed red flags within your own relationship and how she is with others that you have ignored while in a state of bliss that you are now opening your mind to.... the timing of this email is probably a good thing even if you find out it is mostly lies and BS it will help you to slow down and not just rush into and will help to open the lines of communication

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 9

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/21/2008 5:30:59 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

I don't think you took long enough to know her before you let her move into your home. Before you confront here with the email I would do a double check of the security of your valuable belongings, banking, credit cards, personal information etc... Make sure that she has no access to anything she can steal from you or use to ruin your credit or reputation. If you've made any movies or taken photos of BDSM activities get rid of them. I think you should also do a little checking into here past on your own. If you find absolutely nothing, you can rest easy and accept her answers if she denies the allegations. If you find some corroborating evidence of a criminal past, then the only good answer from her is to confess the truth. If she doesn't, you have a deceitful, manipulative criminal on your hands and I think the answer is quite clear what you need to do at that point.

The most important thing here is not what someone else has told you, but what you have experienced. You say she lies a lot, but didn't seem too concerned-why not? She's secretive about here past? Why? is there something to hide? Why did she need to move in with you on such short notice? Is she financially unstable? Do some critical thinking about your situation and do your best not to let your emotions cloud your judgement. You could regret it.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 10

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/21/2008 8:31:18 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

i love, love, love aerosmiths 'kiss your past goodbye'...

not everyone's past carries forward to represent what they can and are able to be, accomplish, or reflect who they are in the here and now, and thus the reason why they like to leave dead dogs lie.

and with that said, i'm curious to know how you knew the e-mail came from an ex-boyfriends account, why you are able to trust him (a stranger to you more than her at this point in time), and just how in the hell he knew of you or how to contact you?

(in reply to Horne)

Post #: 11

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/21/2008 8:39:54 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You have no proof that anything he wrote to you about is true. Maybe he's angry with her for leaving him for you and decided to send you all this stuff in order to force her to live in the street or come back to him.

It doesn't make much sense that an ex would write to tell her all the stuff she did when she presumably knows about it. It does make sense that he is writing to cause harm in some way. Sounds like it's working. You're believing him without even talking to her.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 12

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/21/2008 8:56:31 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

People don't live in a vaccum - for all you know she was being made to do criminal activities by a dom, in a fagan--type relationship.
Was she ever convicted? - if so, get the court records. If not , why not. Was she ever charged?

This ex-bf doesn't sound like a prince of the first water to me. What sort of jerk is going to try to destroy a once-loved (presumably) ones life. I would take the whole thing with a grain of salt.

Show her the email, tell her honestly how you feel about it, and ask her what she thinks. Just remember that anger shuts a lot of women down when it comes to being able to express themselves.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 13

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/21/2008 9:09:34 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

From my point of view...
She did already tell you that she was in a bad relationship and that he was constantly accusing her of cheating. Does it really shock you, then, that he would go out of his way to tell you she is a cheat, and try and ruin her newfound happiness? Think of it as sour grapes. Places she met people, phone numbers and emails are all pretty easy to get whether or not there was anything ellicit going on. She has male friends, he saw lovers... Id wonder a bit how he got YOUR email and why he went through the trouble of mailing you out of the blue.
As for criminal stuff, if she denies it all and gets highly defensive and you dont believe her than you can check and see if she does have a record. If she doesnt then you know he is running a line of BS. If she does and she lied to you about it, then you know where you stand.

I tend not to listen to exs, they have nothing to gain by telling me the truth. When they initiate contact, I always suspect some motive other than my best interests. You have the right idea of showing her the email and discussing it, keeping in mind she did already warn you he was a bad seed. She might react badly, anger toward him. REmember that how she reacts might also have to do with her being unsulted, angry or hurt that he would do this when considering how believable her expinatons are.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 14

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/21/2008 9:24:05 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

You have played with someone who chose not to disclose their past and you allowed it.

What you describe is her 'selective disclosure' of the past and it seems you didn't care to force more details... bad decision huh?

What you find out now is going to effect you because you are realizing that you make bad choices in your life. That would bother me personally more than the actual drama going on.

Whether this guy is telling the truth or not is of no consequence if it were me.

Any (even simple) drama from an ex is a red flag and I would drop it like a hotcake....no questions asked. Done.

If I was too horny or lazy to take the time to find out the jist of a person to begin with, I shouldn't be too surprised to find out such person is a potential threat to my well-being (financial, emotional or other).

I don't agree with weighing possibilities of 'ifs' or 'buts' when some ex comes along dissing a partner, if they are even still lingering about without MY choice partner disclosing that fact in preparation in the first place, it is obvious that both have an agenda that requires me to halt the entire process.

Life is too short, IMO, to allow unnecessary drama of others to disrupt balance in my life.

< Message edited by came4U -- 6/21/2008 9:27:57 AM >

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 15

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/21/2008 9:41:22 AM

cedoMaiori

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/10/2008
Status: offline

Ok: He got your private email addy somehow?

She is accused of being a criminal?

You had her move in quickly without running a check on her first, and it was her idea?

I would hide my valuable stuff, get a PI to run a quick check, or spend the $30 and check her out online. I would get her tied up, and tickle her till she confessed all.

I would be very careful with all of this. Sounds like a mess.

< Message edited by cedoMaiori -- 6/21/2008 9:43:50 AM >

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 16

RE: How much does the past affect your decisions? - 6/21/2008 5:27:52 PM

Griswold

Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRandallspe

This is the reason that I take a good while to get to know all I can about the one I desire to have a serious relationship with.
I rushed into a marriage before,did not listen to others about her and got burned,badly burned.
I will not make a relationship solid until I am totally assured that she is honest and open with me. I can understand bad things that she has over come,yet I need to know everything. I do not want to be blind sided again.

<----- (What he said).

(in reply to MrRandallspe)

Post #: 17

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