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RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 5:01:52 PM   
eepsy


Posts: 38
Joined: 5/18/2008
Status: offline 		Why is he upset with you? Is it because you said you needed some time away or because you haven't been communicating or because <insert random reason>? What is his relationship with you? Is he a friend, a mentor or your Dom?

i believe open communication is very important in any relationship, and especially so in a D/s one. However, it is easier said than done (at least in my case), it requires a lot of trust and you've got to be really comfortable with him as well... Since running away and hiding will not solve any problem, if you've got problems talking to him, why not explain to him that you need a little while away and that once you are ready, you will talk to him about the issue?

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 5:36:12 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I think it's important to repeat one key thing:

The OP specifically said she "got hurt by trying to please him"  All we know from then is that it was a physical thing.

Now, why was she trying to please him?  Did he ask her to?  Did she presume to?  She knew he wasn't her dom, so why did she want to please him physically?  And we have NO knowledge that he actually hurt her- I burn myself cooking all the time.  Did she try to do something she wasn't ready for and hadn't even been asked for by the dom?

So let's keep this in mind before we go nailing doms to crosses.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to eepsy)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 10:12:14 PM   
lassnmo


Posts: 38
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline 		hi,
subinlife when a Dom trains you often you will be hurt emotionally.  Thats the risk you take dear.  Part of it is that (now just speaking from the ones who trained me on and mostly in real life.  I made the wrong judgement call and did not understand Gor Slave v Submissive Slave.  He thought I did I am sure.  Take it as it comes, do as your told in training, no matter how hard it is on you, or how long they take time to get back with you (that was my downfall, still is). emotions will be hurt if your "new" to the lifestyle.  How will  understand if you don't ask. Myself I am a Slave, denied it for years. 

Be sure you know what you want. i.e. My income i know will be given, it is so.  I don't ask if a 24/7.  I have had people talk to me in the Lifestyle all over the state (in person) and all have gone though many of the experiences we do.  i made ALOT of foolish mistakes.  Alot, and still am with the one the Master who is training me.  He is not like the others i thought they were Hard Limits, but his DOM is very educated in the field and surely will teach me, i for example can't talk to other Doms in letter format or IMs.  He did not say i could not do posts.  He is real and i know much  of him, in a short time.  Listen, read between the lines... and listen and listen more.  Do as your told and in time, you will fly to the moon in subspace.

(in reply to subinlife)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/20/2008 10:41:31 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		It may help to hear and be told the whole story instead of some sound bytes here and there . a rope burn is much different than say a dislocated  limb .was it done due to lack of skill or safety and to what degree was the "hurt" injury .was it  done as a result of lack of communication during the exchange .Like hey this really hurts but i shall just tough it out and not say anything ?communication is always key be it  a friendship , or bdsm relationship , or a mentorship .

(in reply to lassnmo)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/21/2008 8:36:20 AM   
fairerthanshe


Posts: 3035
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think it's important to repeat one key thing:

The OP specifically said she "got hurt by trying to please him"  All we know from then is that it was a physical thing.

Now, why was she trying to please him?  Did he ask her to?  Did she presume to?  She knew he wasn't her dom, so why did she want to please him physically?  And we have NO knowledge that he actually hurt her- I burn myself cooking all the time.  Did she try to do something she wasn't ready for and hadn't even been asked for by the dom?

So let's keep this in mind before we go nailing doms to crosses.


Greetings LA,

Very good point!  Sometimes reading these forums and all the 'woe is me' equals 'bad dom' threads that arise, I am reminded of the movie "The Life of Brian".  There is a scene where the women are wearing beards so that they can participate in a stoning, vile and vicious in their manner and attitude. 

Certainly, this dom, who has not had his day in this public court deserves a little benefit of the doubt.  Or do we now take all newbies at their word that they were 'hurt' by him.  Hurt and harmed are two different things and perhaps the type of pain was simply a "I don't think I want to do that again" but since she doesn't know, as a newbie, that it is okay to say " I don't want to do that again" or "that's on my limits list for now" or anything else which shows her taking PERSONAL responsibility for her role in the scene, she has to retreat into the "You bad dom - i no like you anymore!" head space.

It all boils down to communication.  Her communication with him and her communication with this community through this thread.  She hasn't demonstrated, to me at least, that she has great abilities in either area.

This may be harsh to some, but I do hold people accountable for their role in the scenes in which they participate. 

well wishes ~ fairer than she


_____________________________

The Nuclear Bomb of Awesome, rockin' the MoFo Hawk, still a bad-ass with a bouncy attitude, and spreading joy as a predator in Hello Kitty panties

Recently honored with membership in the West Coast Assholes

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/21/2008 9:06:18 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If for example he demanded you wear six inch stilettos at all times and you fell off them and badly sprained your ankle, then of course you would say you can't do this anymore and why. And that you're staying home with your ankle elevated until you get the okay from the doctor.

If he can't understand that you physically aren't up to things, that's his problem. However you've learned a good lesson, to be a lot more critical in your relationships with guys coming on to you. Next time when someone announces you will wear heels at all times including sleeping and showering you would know better and delete and block. What you're feeling is referred to as sub frenzy but it's not an excuse to turn off your brain.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to fairerthanshe)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/21/2008 9:07:37 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		you are single and are asking if you are you wrong for feeling that the only person that you need to answer to is yourself?  nope. 

(in reply to subinlife)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/21/2008 6:45:16 PM   
bokenangel


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/21/2008
Status: offline 		Ok to answer some of the questions I am seeing, this is in real life not online, the injury is a badly strained muscle that runs from my lower back down my leg. He is mad because I told Him via e-mail that I was taking a break until I healed, without talking to him about it.

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/21/2008 6:49:35 PM   
bokenangel


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/21/2008
Status: offline 		who stole my name, this is subinlife

(in reply to bokenangel)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/21/2008 7:00:10 PM   
subinlife


Posts: 263
Joined: 5/20/2008
Status: offline 		Ok, all I want to know is, was I wrong not to talk to Him about backing away and telling Him I was backing away in an E-mail. After He told me I answered to no one but myself.

(in reply to bokenangel)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/21/2008 7:19:10 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to subinlife)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/21/2008 10:54:21 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		ooops.

looks like somebody changed their name.

I'm more con-fused than before.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/21/2008 11:05:39 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		You really cannot have your cake and eat it too.
 
Looks like he's going to have to live by his own words.

_____________________________

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I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to subinlife)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/21/2008 11:25:54 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subinlife

Ok, all I want to know is, was I wrong not to talk to Him about backing away and telling Him I was backing away in an E-mail. After He told me I answered to no one but myself.


In my opinion, yes.  "Breaking up" in email is always tacky, in my book.    You answered to yourself because you didn't belong to him...and yet I gather you were submitting to him already, in that you were trying to please him.  So I would think you'd at least owe him a conversation about it.

In "vanilla" girlfriend/boyfriend type relationships, both parties answer to themselves.  Does this mean it's ok for one of them to just up and walk away with a buh-bye email?

I'm going to agree with LA's three posts on this one.  Having seen this sort of thing happen with my Master and other girls, I think she's very likely right on the money.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to subinlife)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/21/2008 11:26:06 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		At this point perhaps the advice should be more "Yes, please run from everyone, you are in no position to bring anyone into your mass confusion and it would be very unfair to try"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/21/2008 11:43:10 PM   
pinkieplum


Posts: 84
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subinlife

LadyH I was physically hurt. BrokenAngel I will take all the advice and help I can get.


subinlife, with what little i can gather from yr Op, i would say -- for me -- this would be the end of any further contact with this Man.
 
i'm not 'into' pain in any way, shape or form...and i make that as clear as i can.  i don't know what He did to cause you harm/injury/pain, but i'd be concerned that He is using 'play' or sex techniques before He has taken the time to master them.
 
Take that together with His statements about not wanting to be yr Dom, not being open to communication, pouting because you need to take a break, etc., and i have to say i'd just walk. 
 
Maybe He's a great Dom and just made a mistake -- maybe He's a poser who actually knows almost nothing about some of the risker forms of play -- maybe He's a jerk -- but i can't posit 'maybe He's good for you, and you should go on seeing Him'.
 
JMO.
 
pinkieplum

(in reply to subinlife)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/22/2008 5:48:29 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		1. You strained a muscle.  For some reason, you blame this on him, because you strained it "trying to please him".  Sorry, that won't wash.  The ONLY way that he could be responsible is if he was aware that it was hurting you and didn't have you stop.  Get this straight - it was NOT his fault.

2. You told him that you would not be taught about D/s by him until it healed.  This is wrong on several levels.  First, there is a LOT more to D/s than sexual play or even physical play, and a lot that he could teach you even if you do not have use of a leg.  Second, the proper way was for you to let him know there was an issue and the two of you discuss its ramifications and what could be done.  For you to be solely aware of the issue and decide what should be done is topping from the bottom.

3. It would have been more thoughtful for you to tell him that you needed some time in person or at least by phone.  I suspect that you chose email because you would not be able to see/hear his reaction.

4. Note that he has stated that you are to submit to him and him only.  This implies that he thinks that you have dropped him permanently to be with another Dom, while your posts state that this is temporary until you heal.  You absolutely owe it to him to clarify what is really going on.

Bluntly speaking, you need to learn to tell a Dom what is really going on, discuss it with him and defer to his decision regarding what is the best way to proceed.  If you're not willing to do that, you need to ask yourself why you think you want to submit to someone.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to pinkieplum)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/22/2008 7:30:14 AM   
TysGalilah


Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subinlife

Ok, all I want to know is, was I wrong not to talk to Him about backing away and telling Him I was backing away in an E-mail. After He told me I answered to no one but myself.


This is all really to vague to get a helpful answer from anyone ..
but to answer your basic question
   ( if your conversations were to the point of phones and in person face to face being involved )
   YES.. to email him that you were ducking out ( taking a break ) was not the mature way of handling the conversation and you basically blocked him from being able to help or respond....ie no regard for his time, efforts and feelings.
 
but again.....your info is really to vague to make a helpful assessment.


_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to subinlife)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/22/2008 10:19:57 AM   
subinlife


Posts: 263
Joined: 5/20/2008
Status: offline 		Ok I didn't say it was His fault. In no way do I blame Him as most of you think. Yes I told Him about the injury shortly after it happened. I blame myself for all that happened, even the e-mail. It wasn't the best way to handle the problem. I know that now, this was something I needed to learn. Thank you for all you have said, good or bad. He was right I was wrong. Despite what he had said.

(in reply to TysGalilah)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Was I Wrong - 6/22/2008 3:28:55 PM   
Puppy4goodHome


Posts: 1448
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: Beachwood Ohio and a few others
Status: offline 		I agree 
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Well you're wrong in that you think the best thing to do when there's a relationship issue is burrow down and run away.

You're wrong to get into any sort of commitment with a single person so quickly (or if not wrong, taking a very risky chance unnecessarily)

I'd be upset if someone I'd gotten to know got upset about something between us and just said "I've gotta go"  That's not a relationship, that's a "poor me, leave you hanging with the bag until I feel good again" selfish manipulation.

The dom sub thing is pretty irrelevant here.  No, he shouldn't get upset at you for doing something you haven't agreed to his having authority over.  But then, why were you trying to please him when he's just teaching you about the lifestyle, not dominating you?  It sounds like you both have a lot of clarification needed on what's going on.

So stop running and start holding up your end of a friendship- and hold him to the same standard.


_____________________________

Pup on the loose better watch out

ross.g
Puppster
puppy

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 40
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