Sometime It Doesn't Help

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pinksugarsub -> Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/20/2008 7:15:43 PM)
IMO, many W/women 'cope' with troubles by talking things out with a trusted F/friend(s) and 'processing' the matter.....while many M/men prefer to ruminate, and when T/they have hit on a 'solution', take action. i'm a woman who generally needs to talk things over in order to process them. i'm also an empath; P/pl like to confide in me and get my 'take on things'. It's always been that way for me. quote: Empathy is a feeling of another's true emotions to a point where an empath can relate to that person by sensing true feelings that run deeper than those portrayed on the surface. People commonly put on a show of expression. This is a learned trait of hiding authentic expression in an increasingly demanding society. An empath can sense the truth behind the cover and will act compassionately to help that person express him/herself, thus making them feel at ease and not so desperately alone. Empaths experience empathy towards family, children, friends, close associates, complete strangers, pets, plants and inanimate objects. http://healing.about.com/cs/empathic/a/uc_empathtraits.htm i dun feel bad about being an empath -- i like helping my F/friends. However, lately it's dawned on me there can be 'pitfalls' to talking. * If Y/you have to repeat the entire set of 'factoids' to several different P/pl, it can wear Y/you out. Most P/pl, once made aware of a problem, want to help; T/they want to be 'kept in the loop'; T/they get new ideas about what to do; etc. So, talking can be bad if'n Y/you select too M/many of Y/your F/friends to convo with. * Talking can be bad if, by telling S/someone the 'factoids', Y/you find Y/yrself feeling emotional. If Y/you find Y/yrself 'reliving' the problem/event/issue all over again when Y/you talk to S/someone(s), consider whether remaining silent might not better serve You. * Talking can be bad if Y/you fail to exercise good judgment by telling Y/your personal business to S/someone Y/you should not trust. Y/you can find Y/yrself the object of gossip; or an untrustworthy P/person can put Y/your business 'on the street' or 'on the 'net'; or an untrustworthy P/person can 'repeat' what Y/you've said to S/someone Y/you never want to know any of Y/your business. * Talking can be bad if what Y/you need is quiet; time to reflect; or if Y/you need to 'let go' of something. * Talking can be bad if S/someone wants Y/you to listen to something Y/you are uncomfortable hearing. This could be a confidence from S/someone Y/you don't feel Y/you know well yet; or gossip about A/another P/person Y/you like; or worst of all IMO, 'gossip' about P/pl neither O/one of Y/you actually knows. Mostly i think 'talking things out' is a great idea. It's just that lately i've noticed it's not always a good idea. What do Y/you think? pinksugarsub

NeedingMore220 -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/20/2008 7:36:58 PM)
[I think I'm getting a migraine from all the slashes ... ] But on topic - I'm not someone who takes a lot of time to reach a decision. I tend to go with my gut instinct, which is right a lot of times, wrong others. I don't like to talk things out with people much, mainly because I find it difficult to explain all the nuances and feelings I have about the issue and I get impatient trying to get that person into my head to understand where I am. When I have something I need to think about, I tend to write about it, to get all my feelings and emotions down on paper and then make a decision from there. FWIW, I do listen to friend's problems often. I was away with girlfriends in January, and a few of us were having life issues. I did a lot of listening that weekend, but when the tables were turned and a very close friend said to me, 'now, what about YOU, missy?' because I had some issues on my plate also ... I avoided it. lol I find it easier and safer to keep everything tucked inside, even with those closest with me. Sometimes talking doesn't solve shit, it just makes the shit seem ten times worse.

hardbodysub -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/20/2008 7:38:12 PM)
You make some good points, but DEAR GOD, do you realize how tedious it was to read with all the CAPITAL/lowercase BS? To be honest, I skipped over 50% of the OP because it was so annoying.

MsLadySue -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/20/2008 7:59:14 PM)
The subject was interesting as far as I read, but the slash speak makes me cross-eyed and I gave up part way through.

chamberqueen -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/20/2008 8:01:39 PM)
I agree completely with the original post. I know when I first joined CM I would often bring my problems here. Sometimes I would word things poorly and end up getting nitpicked over little points instead of helped with my problems. I find that I have begun keeping a lot of my problems inside specifically because of this. I am also an empath, but find that I don't always understand the signals when it pertains to how someone feels about me. There are times when it is easier to "read" a stranger, even a crying baby, and know exactly what they mean or need, but trying to figure out my own relationship feels impossible. I think that the best course of action is to find one or two people that you really trust for some of the most intimate discussions. I know I had something come up this week that I couldn't keep to myself; it had just blown me away. Of course, I informed my Master since He needs to know when something is bothering me and why. I chose to share the facts with only one other person who knew the history of the situation. This is a tightrope walk for me. I want to reach out and have someone feel the way that I feel and be able to speak to me with reason, but sometimes a public forum is simply the wrong place for it. That's definitely one time when it is not always right to share. Another case is if you just need to go on a rant and not be ranted back at. Again, choose someone you can really trust.

abcbsex -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/20/2008 8:27:28 PM)
I have a sister-in-law who proves your point. She can practically work herself into a frenzy sometimes while she "talks it out" or in my words, complains. If someone just talks and never does anything to help their situation, it's whining. She's got it down to an art form.

laura2161 -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/20/2008 9:02:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsLadySue The subject was interesting as far as I read, but the slash speak makes me cross-eyed and I gave up part way through. Unfortunately I gave up about half way through as well, because of all the Y/y stuff. My brain stops at each slash and I'm not able to retain what I'm reading. I bet it was a good post though.

pinksugarsub -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/20/2008 9:06:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hardbodysub You make some good points, but DEAR GOD, do you realize how tedious it was to read with all the CAPITAL/lowercase BS? To be honest, I skipped over 50% of the OP because it was so annoying. Ah, an old chestnut, slashy speak. As it happens, i like it...i'm joyful about discovering D/s and that i'm a submissive, and that there are Doms in the world. Slashy speak just makes me happy. Rather than hijack the Op, why don't you 'bump' one of the 1,000s of threads on slashy speak that have already been written? i did a simple search, and found five pages of threads on slashy speak. http://www.collarchat.com/searchpro.asp?phrase=slash&author=&forumid=ALL&topicreply=both&message=body&timeframe=%3E&timefilter=0&language=single&top=300&criteria=AND&minRank=0&sortMethod=r&submitbutton=+OK+ Since you thought i 'made some good points' it would have been interesting to get yr take on them, hardbodysub. pinksugarsub

azropedntied -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/20/2008 10:54:48 PM)
pink > perhaps some of the "freinds " your speaking about may also not be that close of freinds ?Maybe your in need of a more understanding smaller circle of support ?We can not change others yet we can change ourselves .

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/20/2008 11:11:36 PM)
Pink your problem is that you never actually learn anything. You just keep yourself in your hazy little net world stopped in a brief moment of time and nothing ever moves forward.

Deliena -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/21/2008 2:30:56 AM)
I'm one of those people who has a couple of close friends that talk about and share everything, in minute details. we always have. My Master hates it and much prefers that I don't discuss our lives with other people. This applies equally to things that have made me happy to things that I'm having trouble getting my head round. It's the cause of some tension but by discussing how we feel about it with each other we've found comprimise that works adequately for both of us.

Zechriel -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/21/2008 3:40:21 AM)
Good morning darling! I am also an empath, have been my whole life and it just seems to come naturally. It is not something we "work" on nor cannot turn off when that annoying person somes along that tugs on your ear right? But since I started working with magick about 15 years ago there is a very useful tool that I have come to develop and works exceedingly well with our "problem"-silence. You do not have to respond, listening and nodding or standing back and watching the players do their dance can be enough at times. Otherwise you take on the worries of the world and you learn eventually that 1-you cannot fix everything and 2-it WILL bring you down at some point. Depending on if the person is willing to follow your directions for change(and I have found that alot do not when confronted with the truth of their actions/thoughts) you either take it in and handle it or take it in and within a very short time..learn to let it go. But always be there for people when they need to "vent". I also had a hard time reading and skipped a lot :: rubs eyes:: Love, Zechriel

Aileen1968 -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/21/2008 4:28:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub quote: ORIGINAL: hardbodysub You make some good points, but DEAR GOD, do you realize how tedious it was to read with all the CAPITAL/lowercase BS? To be honest, I skipped over 50% of the OP because it was so annoying. Ah, an old chestnut, slashy speak. As it happens, i like it...i'm joyful about discovering D/s and that i'm a submissive, and that there are Doms in the world. Slashy speak just makes me happy. Rather than hijack the Op, why don't you 'bump' one of the 1,000s of threads on slashy speak that have already been written? i did a simple search, and found five pages of threads on slashy speak. http://www.collarchat.com/searchpro.asp?phrase=slash&author=&forumid=ALL&topicreply=both&message=body&timeframe=%3E&timefilter=0&language=single&top=300&criteria=AND&minRank=0&sortMethod=r&submitbutton=+OK+ Since you thought i 'made some good points' it would have been interesting to get yr take on them, hardbodysub. pinksugarsub If you're such an empath, why can't you see why everyone is so annoyed by slashy speak? Don't you want to make us feel better?

eepsy -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/21/2008 7:19:36 AM)
Ok, finally got through the slashy OP... [sm=gaah.gif] Seems to me like you're saying that talking is great, but talking to the wrong people or at the wrong time is bad... Uhhhmmm... but isn't that true for everything??? Moderation is the key! And well, when it comes to spilling your deepest feelings, i suppose it makes sense to keep that to people you are very comfortable with and at a time you're comfortable with. Don't know about everyone else here.. but i thought all of that was very much common sense. [8D]

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/21/2008 7:26:11 AM)
I guess I am more like a man in this situation. I dont talk out my problems, I ruminate until I find my answer and then act on it. I have entirely too many friends and aquaintenences who need to talk a problem to death and then get so many buts of "help" that they dont know how to go about trying to fix it. Then, since they are now confused as hell about how to make it better, and slightly concerned about insulting someone if they choose a fix that is different than the one they suggested, they do nothing to aid the situation they went to their friends for help with in the first place. Id rather have only ONE opinion on how to solve my troubles, mine. I dont want fixing my issues to become a practice in friendship politics where i have to temper my solutions with keeping friends happy and in the loop ad hoping no one gets insulted that I didnt think their idea was best for making my life better. DV

came4U -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/21/2008 7:36:05 AM)
Talking is fine. Except people (like me) tire of people who have a constant need to discuss the death out of a topic in order for them to be enlightened or come to some self-realization. Sometimes shutting up and using some quiet reflection time is healthier (for others and their patience) and not running to everyone and their brother for advice or some scope of inflicting reality upon you. That is what yoga, self-help books or therapists are for. Sometimes it is almost worth passing someone the fee for that just to avoid hearing every detail of every issue (self inflicted) in their life.

CelticPrince -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/21/2008 8:15:28 AM)
quote: IMO, many W/women 'cope' with troubles by talking things out with a trusted F/friend(s) and 'processing' the matter.....while many M/men prefer to ruminate, and when T/they have hit on a 'solution', take action. pink, Ever read "men are from Mars etc. It is not just your opinion, men simply are wired to not talk but to internalize the problem until a solution is reached. CP

clearlightblack -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/21/2008 9:03:39 AM)
I used to do that....talk problems out to people and personally it only lead to 2 things happening 1) I felt like a big whinning baby in the end since i am usually very emotional when I do talk things out 2) Someone would give me advice, I would mull it over and express it and/or use it and more often then not something bad would happen So I learned to just talk it out to myself in written form and then in the end if I still had a concern I'd ask my Master and if he told me to maybe talk it over with someone else I would So does this like make me like a man?

DesFIP -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/21/2008 9:11:00 AM)
A lot of people problem solve by talking things out. However it behooves you to choose your choice of confidant carefully. Are they suitable people to discuss this subject with. Are they dealing with a full plate and have no energy to deal with your problems also? But I wouldn't say the choice is between tmi and no talking. I'd say you need to pick a more suitable person to talk to, and frequently more suitable can mean an expert. If you're mulling over cosmetic surgery pros and cons, the person to talk to is not a master gardener but a top dermotologist who would be knowledgable but not have a vested interest one way or another. Emotional difficulties? Don't pick a mechanic, do pick someone with experience in the field.

Lumus -> RE: Sometime It Doesn't Help (6/21/2008 9:30:20 AM)
Language is a tool. Some people are also tools. If someone who is a tool tries to wield language, they can completely misuse it. To expound: you'll get out of conversation [mundane or otherwise] what the other person invests into it, subject to how you interpret it. When you say you get too many varied opinions, you should think back to how you broached the topic which each person, and ask yourself what each reply did to give you new insight. Did you move on to someone else before digesting the previous person's commentary? If voicing your feelings didn't bring them back to the forefront, you'd have reason to worry; discussing how you feel is self-confrontational by its nature. If experiencing an emotion is difficult, suppressing said emotion without expression can become toxic. Dealing with the unpleasantness is healthier in the long run. How you talk to others, and the subsequent results, reflects on your own communication skills and yes, your ability to judge. There's help for that, if it's needed. Don't overanalyze communication. Learn from it, yes. Dwell, no. Use the tool as it was meant to be used, as suits your needs; avoid the tools who won't talk nicely, and try not to be a tool yourself, and your karma will runneth over. PS Some of us with the dangly bits are quite verbose. It's all in the mindset and its execution.

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