I'm very new dom, confused about Rewards, esp vs Pain.

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I'm very new dom, confused about Rewards, esp vs Pain. - 11/4/2005 11:37:39 AM

Sloely

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline

I'm extremely new to all of this, and am trying to learn to become a good dom for my sub. She's the one introducing me to the lifestyle, so it's a difficult situation. (From my research and just common sense, it doesn't seem to be the most obvious or common perspective, that of a new dom trying to learn from an experienced sub.)

Anyway, I'm a bit confused about Rewards vs Pain. She's mentioned the need for her to be trained and rewarded, so I'm working on trying to find out about this and understand it. She likes pain, it's a major element for her. But can pain be a form of reward? And what sorts of behavior warrant rewards? Are rewards only useful in the context of training? What about just as an element within a scene? Yeah, lots of questions.

To give you an idea where I'm coming from, here's a couple situations I'm drawing from. We live far apart, so I visited her for about 9 days a few weeks ago. Over the course of that week, we experimented and made some definite progress. One of the things I'm still wrestling with is the idea of really causing her pain at all. About halfway thru the week, I had her lay across my knee, and spanked her, hard, repeatedly for several minutes. It was far from a decent scene or anything, it was completely devoid of context, and after, she told me that it wasn't very bad, but it basically "just fucking hurt" for her, and that it would have been better utilized in the context of training, (something which we have still to further explore and which I'm still rather in the dark on.) But for me, it was good in that it at least helped prove to me that I COULD spank her like that at all, which was a big step, and she understood that as well.

Later in the week, we had a fully realized scene. It was very verbal, mostly me telling her what to do, and mostly forcing her to restrain herself, and then finally, after she did alot for me, (mostly non-sexual: pouring me wine, kneeling with her eyes closed, not being allowed to look at me, etc) I finally rewarded her by telling her what she could do to me sexually, which she had really been wanting badly. The scene probably lasted 90 minutes or so, and while it was mostly verbal and non-physical, and there was no pain, it was very intense. And after she told me that it was basically IT. That I nailed it, and that she loved it, that it was perfect for her.

So, it was a good week, but I still have a lot to figure out. I especially want to figure out this pain thing. If I develop a more traditional BDSM scene for us, like handcuffing her and spanking or whipping her, what's a good place to start? I'd like to develop something not too complex to start with. But does hitting her in this context count as a reward since she likes pain, or as punishment within the context of the scene? (ie, "You're such a dirty slut for wanting me so bad!" <slap!>) But then, how do I reward her in this type of scene? And where does training come in? Or would that be more appropriate as a different scene entirely?

Thanks for bearing with me and my million questions.

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RE: I'm very new dom, confused about Rewards, esp vs Pain. - 11/4/2005 11:50:50 AM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

We've all been here, so don't worry about asking questions. There aren't any stupid ones left; I asked them all.

Understanding ourselves and why we do what we do and why it turns us on so much is a constant endeavor. Giving ourselves permission to hurt (not harm) others who consent can be a big stumbling block.

Some advice is to read and do research. I suggest “SM 101” by Wiseman. “Different Loving”, while a dry read, can be helpful in looking at why we do this. That book is by Gloria Brame. “Castle Realm” is an excellent website, too (http://castlerealm.com/).

Also, just ask your girl: what makes pain for pleasure different than pain for punishment? Some people don’t like the idea of giving a masochist pain for punishment because the maso could slip into the habit of misbehaving in order to get pain. Now, if you’re talking about a “punishment scene”, well, just have at it (remembering limits and such).

The best thing is to talk to your girl. Asking what she likes and doesn’t like doesn’t make you any less a Dom. Certainly, you should find out what will hurt her vs what will harm her. Hurting is ok (I’m assuming consent), harming is not, the difference being that harm causes psychological damage or physical damage to the extent that she can no longer function as she needs to in ordinary life.

I hope this helps.

Fire

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(in reply to Sloely)

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RE: I'm very new dom, confused about Rewards, esp vs Pain. - 11/4/2005 11:52:57 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sloely

I'm extremely new to all of this, and am trying to learn to become a good dom for my sub. She's the one introducing me to the lifestyle, so it's a difficult situation. (From my research and just common sense, it doesn't seem to be the most obvious or common perspective, that of a new dom trying to learn from an experienced sub.)

You'd be surprised how common this really is.

quote:

But can pain be a form of reward?

Absolutely. Anything that makes a person happy and encourages them to continue their behavior is a reward.

quote:

And what sorts of behavior warrant rewards?

That's up to you. Generally exceptional service and obedience.

quote:

Are rewards only useful in the context of training?

If you use them in their literal contexts yes, that is what reward are for. However, some people use them more generally as a "nice thing to do for you."

quote:

What about just as an element within a scene? Yeah, lots of questions.

Well some rewards are a scene itself, a scene the slave has really been wanting. A lot of people do "punishment and reward scenes" but those are just for play and not actually training behavior.

If you're trying to train behavior, it's done generally as a day-to-day dynamic and not scene specific.

quote:

If I develop a more traditional BDSM scene for us, like handcuffing her and spanking or whipping her, what's a good place to start?

It really sounds like you're already off to a good start. Don't worry so much about the trappings, just go with the feeling. Personally I find handcuffs annoying and without much manuevering much prefer if a guy just pins me down.

quote:

does hitting her in this context count as a reward since she likes pain, or as punishment within the context of the scene?

If it's a scene, then you're both enjoying it. Pain can be reward or punishment depending on the headspace.

quote:

And where does training come in?

Training comes in later, when you're figure out what you want to train her for and more of the personalities involved.

quote:

Or would that be more appropriate as a different scene entirely?

Well training for me isn't a scene, it's a long term behavioral shift.

(in reply to Sloely)

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RE: I'm very new dom, confused about Rewards, esp vs Pain. - 11/4/2005 9:10:47 PM

MistressYlwa

Posts: 263
Joined: 8/25/2005
Status: offline

I had intended to respond to your inquiry. But have to say, LuckyAlbatross has answered your question. I can't think of anything I could possibly add.

Good luck

Mistress Ylwa

You see what power is - holding someone elses fear in your hand and showing it to them! - Amy Tan

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: I'm very new dom, confused about Rewards, esp vs Pain. - 11/4/2005 10:25:55 PM

jro2020

Posts: 160
Joined: 10/23/2005
From: Idaho
Status: offline

what do you mean traditional BDSM? I think what you have been doing is much more common than the sadism and masochism. But you see, it is not as publishised.

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(in reply to MistressYlwa)

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