Question from an inexperienced sub. (Full Version)

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Untouched1282 -> Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/21/2008 9:41:46 PM)

Hello everyone! I trust everyone is enjoying their weekend!

The reason for this visit to The Forums has to deal with some of the difficulties I've been having with the lifestyle.  One of the primary issues I've had deals with my virginity and overall lack of sexual experience. It seems that people want to label me as soon as they find out this piece of information (either I'm fake or shouldn't be involved in this lifestyle). It's really quite frustrating, especially given the fact I'm simply trying to be as open and honest about myself, experience I have and haven't had, and where I'm coming from.

With this being said, what's your opinion of a sub without much sexual experience? I know this lifestyle isn't about sex, at least in principle, but I know to some it is a major part of their way of life, especially if they're seeking a long-term relationship. In your opinion, as I know there is no steadfast rule on this or any subject, should a sub have much vanilla experience before venturing into a lifestyle choice such as this? Do you think a person can just KNOW they belong, without having a great deal of experience?

I'm a relativist, personally, and as such have a difficult time being into intrinsic values or innate purposes, making experience and personal feelings the most important part of deciding who we are (for the moment).

I apologize for rambling.



lilabbotsfordgrl -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/21/2008 9:45:54 PM)

Hey there, welcome.
I'd check out the zillion other threads on the exact same topic, made within the last week.  Just kidding - there's only about a trillion.  I exaggerated.
Being a virgin and/or new and/or inexperienced means much less than you might thing.  Maybe it's YOU that has issues with that part of you and you're making more of an issue of it than you need to.  If the ppl you're talking to seem to have a problem with any part of you, including that, maybe they're not for you.  :)

As for pushing yourself through vanilla sex first, why would you do that to yourself?  If you don't want it, don't do it.  That's as crazy as telling someone into vanilla sex that they should try D/s sex first even though they don't want to.



AcademyForSlaves -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/21/2008 9:49:22 PM)

I love virgins because I can train and mold them into the slave I want.

My best slaves were virgins and they became my best slaves because of it.



MistressHolly71 -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/21/2008 10:19:15 PM)

I like newbies because I can train them the way I want & they don't have alot of bad habits to break. I'm not sure how your being a virgin is relevant.



MsStarlett -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/21/2008 10:41:51 PM)

Oh BAY-BAY!   Come sit next to me.  I'd be happy to show you the ropes.  (In my case, it's actually chains.)

Actually, all kidding aside, I just had my first meeting with a totally unexperienced sub.  He was wonderful.  He was not a virgin (to my knowledge - I never asked), but it was his first time with a Domme, so I kept teasing that it was like having a virgin again.  I was really nervous about that because I had never been anyone's first BDSM experience and didn't want to 'go to fast'.  He was also about 1/2 my age which concerned me as well.  I don't normally take on subs that young.  It turned out to be a very positive experience for both of us.

The trick is going to be finding a Domme that you really 'click' with and trust before giving up that extremely rare and precious gift.  Like anything else, you only get one 'first time'.  It is so much more enjoyable and memorable to have that first time be with someone very special.  Your virginity - sexual or lifestyle - is a unique gift that you can only share ONCE.  It is not a hindrance.  It is a beautiful, rare and unique treasure.  Be sure you make it count.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/21/2008 10:47:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Untouched1282
With this being said, what's your opinion of a sub without much sexual experience? I know this lifestyle isn't about sex, at least in principle, but I know to some it is a major part of their way of life, especially if they're seeking a long-term relationship. In your opinion, as I know there is no steadfast rule on this or any subject, should a sub have much vanilla experience before venturing into a lifestyle choice such as this? Do you think a person can just KNOW they belong, without having a great deal of experience?

I was Fox's first EVERYTHING, from kiss up. He was a virgin when I got him, and was waiting until he met the person he was going to spend his life with.
My Angel is STILL a virgin, even after being mine for 2 years.

So, no I dont see a reason for someone to have to have sexual experience to know what they want. For those looking for a sexual submissive, though, lack of experience could be a deterent, since not many really care to train someone from scratch to make them happy. Others, like me, prefer to train from the ground up and have a customized lover.

DV



Untouched1282 -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/21/2008 11:16:22 PM)

I agree that I have to take my time searching for what I think is right -- but what is right? Should I know something more about myself , or at least have a few life experiences, before I go looking for THE ONE? If I find someone I click with but things don't work out, then was my wait in vain?

These are rhetorical questions, of course, but I'm sure I'll be asking them to myself for quite some time.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/22/2008 3:16:04 AM)

How I would feel about it is totally dependent on the person and the energy I have with them. I wouldn't say no to someone in your situation. I will admit, however, that I would treat the issue of sexual interaction with a little more delicacy until I had a feel for how the whole "loosing you virginity" would or wouldn't happen, IF we went that route.

Master Fire



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/22/2008 3:27:05 AM)

I dont know why everyone makes such a big deal about virginity or holding on to it. If you hold your virginity up as some sacred prize that you are bestowing upon only the deserving and it doesnt work out, what then? Being virginal is no more sacred than not being virginal. Some subs take pride in their sluttiness. Thats  part and parcel of the lifestyle for most.  One thing I know, holding up virginity as a holy gift to only the deserving and the experience doesnt meet your fantasy or it doesnt workout , who will you be hurting with this attitude? For most the first time doesnt meet up to the ideal. being realistic and figuring out what the heck you're waiting for is more important.



Saint -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/22/2008 5:25:07 AM)

Do not get me wrong here, Untouched1282. I think it is a noble idea and a spectacular gift from anyone, male or female who holds onto their virginity until they meet the right person. That is a rare commodity anymore and speaks volumes about you as a person. BUT with that being said you have to ask yourself a few things first.. I know people who have been searching for that special someone for years, decades even. So 1) Are you prepared to hold onto that part of you for years or even longer until you find the right partner? and 2) What happens if you never do find that right partner for you? What then?

Do not get me wrong, I think it's an awesome gift you hope to give the right Domme someday. But the fact is is that you may be waiting years or more to find her. So I would certainly encourage some introspection on what it is you are waiting for and whether or not you feel it is achievable in this lifestyle.



LadyJeelys -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/22/2008 6:04:13 AM)

Untouched1282,

I tend to disagree with some of what the other posters have said. There is a something "sacred" about virginity in a number of different faiths....so if you are part of a faith that upholds virginity then live up to that faith tenent.

But even in a non-faith arena, there is something special about sex. For some that "specialness" has been lost, and the act can be shared with anyone, everyone and everything---and hey, great, whatever floats your boat. But for others, that special place remains, and just as its PC to be supportive of the whore, we should be supportive of the virgin. Nothing sucks more than loosing your virginity for the wrong reason and with the wrong person. I know far too many people, including some folks who hold parties to celebrate each time they reach 2,000 verifiable different partners, who regret loosing their virginity at the wrong time and with the wrong person. If you want to wait for the the right time and the right place and the right person, then do it. Don't let someone else's expectations manipulate into something you don't want. (I really wish I'd been my pet's first.)

And, in answer to another poster's question, if you end up with the wrong person, place, time, just pick yourself up and go back to your own standard, wait and try again.

Finally, keep in mind that here at collarme or in the "community" in general you're going to find a very limited view point of what the "lifestyle" is like. I don't mean that as a knock on anyone, but folks with some view points aren't going to be welcome, so they are going to float away. There are women out there, Dommes out there, who do care about virginity---some because they want to deflower their pets and others because of faith reasons and others because they want they respect the kind of self control in a man that allows him to be a virgin in this day and age. But just like those Dommes have to wade through a bizillion guys proudly proclaiming, "I've been used by a thousand dominants and their pets! (and their pets' pets and the stranger down the road who just happened to be walking by)", you'll have to wade through a bizillion Dommes to get to the right one for you. AND as you're wading through, you still might find that special person. Too often we toss aside someone because we disagree on some pretty big issues without seeing how we can meet somewhere in the middle. So, anyway, keep trying. Get to know people who aren't "BDSM" (pffft, let's be honest here, BDSMers aren't so unique. Everyone does something that would be "BDSM".) Get to know people who are "BDSM".....and also take the time to get to know some of sub communities out there. Somewhere out there is a community that fits you to a tee---"Virgin subs looking to get laid", "Virgin subs looking to stay pure", "Virgin subs who don't know what to do".....you just have to look for that support.

Ok, not so finally, also be aware that some advice you get is going to be more about the advice giver than you (and that certainly includes me.) If we find our identity in a certain aspect of our life, we won't be able to be objective. But yes, the wait (sometimes feels like weight) can be long, very long. BUT on the scales of balance is self respect and self determination. Its easy to live without sex, its not easy to life without self respect. But anyway, if you want more information about a group that would be supportive, just email me.



MsStarlett -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/22/2008 6:16:57 AM)

hmmm... Anyone ever do a Poll on "Losing your Virginity"?   I think that would be an interesting one.  It would sort of have to be a 'two parter' - Did it happen when you were young or older?  Early, mid or late teens?  20ish?  30? Older?  Still waiting?   Followed up by was it a memorable occasion? 

I suppose I'm one of those "precious gift" people because my first time sucked and I wish it had been something special.  I was 18 with my fumbling boyfriend who claimed to have experience but I doubt now that he did.  He hurt me, then ran out leaving me bleeding and crying.  Yeah.  That was special.  The first time *I* had a virgin was on the bath room floor of a hotel room with a 1/2 dozen people, including the boy's older brother in the next room 'asleep'.  I didn't know that the boy was a virgin until after it happened.  That was super special for him!  Gees!  Do you really want your first time to be cracking your head on a toilet bowl?

But we were KIDS!  We didn't know better.  These days waiting until you're 18 seems to be amazing.  Considering that the OP has waited this long, he might as well set it up to be special.



Lordandmaster -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/22/2008 6:20:09 AM)

It depends on whether she's ready.  Some inexperienced people are, and some inexperienced people aren't.  And there's really nothing you can do to affect that.  You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.  Even a master needs paint and canvas.

OK, enough cliches.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Untouched1282

With this being said, what's your opinion of a sub without much sexual experience?



MySweetSubmssive -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/22/2008 10:57:20 AM)

Dear Untouched,

I think virginity can and *should* be a reason to give pause when meeting a new submissive – and more broadly, a new person.

Sex can be a fantastic thing, but the first time, I believe, it should be about love and affection.  Sex affects us intimately (or non-intimate sex can make us callous).  You mention the importance of spirituality and emotional connection.  Because you are sensitive in this way, this would affect you even more so. 

The way I have sex now is much different than in the first few years.  I have a body of experience to couch things in now that I didn’t then.  With someone who has experience, I feel like I can be consensually abusive, in a way that I wouldn’t with someone who had limited or no experience.  The sexuality of BDSM is the deep end of the pool, and, respectfully, you haven’t even jumped in yet!  (smiling nicely)  There is an additional layer of responsibility with someone who is a virgin.

My other, gentle, question is “Why are you a virgin?”  Is it a religious or otherwise deliberate choice?  Do you feel comfortable in your own skin?  Is it a symptom of social awkwardness?  Is it a lack of confidence?  (More about this at the tail end of my post)  I would have a lot of curiosity about these things in a person.

Other than virginity, there are plenty of reasons why someone may not be compatible with us.  Every week or so someone starts a thread on why “I’m too young, old, fat, married, oddball, [insert descriptor here] to get notice.”  Obviously, the people that we are interested in and who are interested in us is a relatively small subset of all the people that are on CM.  Things that narrow down your field:

you are an intensely cerebral (and likely complex) person  This will absolutely be a draw for some people, and they will find you to be manna in the desert.  Other folks will see this as an incompatibility.

you mention spirituality  Personally, it’s a dimension I want to explore.  Most people, maybe 85-90%, on CM do not look for spirituality in their D/s. (that's not a value judgement) 

you seem to be equally happy being submissive or dominant  Maybe my reading is too critical, but you seem less a switch and more that you don’t care from which end you get your needs met.

And what are those needs?  You want to be needed.  When I read your narrative, it feels like you experience a lack inside yourself that you are trying to fill by being needed by another person.  That makes me uncomfortable.  The statement “I have an unquenchable urge help to make people [believe they are] better” sounds less like a relationship and more like trading therapy.  If someone didn’t need to be improved, would you be interested in them?  That also makes me feel uncomfortable, both for me, as a prospective partner, and for you in terms of where you are.  Your neediness feels intense, very frank.  How sturdy is your psyche?  Sometimes when people want to fix or improve others, it is a projection of their own need for improvement.  Is this operative for you? 

Mss 



Untouched1282 -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/22/2008 8:13:56 PM)

quote:

Profile [Send Private Message] Report | Post #: 8
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I dont know why everyone makes such a big deal about virginity or holding on to it. If you hold your virginity up as some sacred prize that you are bestowing upon only the deserving and it doesnt work out, what then? Being virginal is no more sacred than not being virginal. Some subs take pride in their sluttiness. Thats  part and parcel of the lifestyle for most.  One thing I know, holding up virginity as a holy gift to only the deserving and the experience doesnt meet your fantasy or it doesnt workout , who will you be hurting with this attitude? For most the first time doesnt meet up to the ideal. being realistic and figuring out what the heck you're waiting for is more important.


It's not that it's some special gift meant for my one-and-only. (I don't believe in absolute love or soulmates). I simply don't want to lose it to someone  I don't feel I have a connection with, that's all.  To each their own, my way is not THE WAY.



Untouched1282 -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/22/2008 8:22:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive
you seem to be equally happy being submissive or dominant  Maybe my reading is too critical, but you seem less a switch and more that you don’t care from which end you get your needs met.


I take issue with this reading of who I am and what it is I seek. I don't think I'm equally happy being a Dominant or submissive, I simply don't see the partition between those tearms as clearly as do most. One of my primary issues with this lifestyle is its vague labeling system. Notions of Dom and sub are completely contingent upon the relationship, the two people involved.  I label myself a "Switch" because I don't know what term best describes me in the eyes of others. I know who I am, what I want, but how do I present that to you? I want to please, in one way or another. I want to serve, to help make people better. I want to be the vehicle someone uses to achieve their happiness and become better.
:/



MissEnchanted -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/23/2008 2:42:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsStarlett

Oh BAY-BAY!   Come sit next to me.  I'd be happy to show you the ropes.  (In my case, it's actually chains.)



The trick is going to be finding a Domme that you really 'click' with and trust before giving up that extremely rare and precious gift.  Like anything else, you only get one 'first time'.  It is so much more enjoyable and memorable to have that first time be with someone very special.  Your virginity - sexual or lifestyle - is a unique gift that you can only share ONCE.  It is not a hindrance.  It is a beautiful, rare and unique treasure.  Be sure you make it count.



Ditto again!

Find a Domme you really click with and you both will get to have a precious experince!



Dnomyar -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/23/2008 5:24:33 AM)

I have lots of virgin stories. The bottom line with me is that if your a sexual virgin then find someone else to bust your cherry. The thing that will make it a good memory or a bad one is the aftercare you recieve after,



RedMagic1 -> RE: Question from an inexperienced sub. (6/23/2008 6:08:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam
How I would feel about it is totally dependent on the person and the energy I have with them.

Thank you.

Be careful about fetishizing the "virginity" thing, and be careful about meeting someone who fetishizes it.  Look for someone interested in you, not some special prize you might bring to the table.  Otherwise it's the same as some vanilla guy with "yellow fever" or a malesub who has always wanted to be "forced" to eat royal black ass.



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