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If your Wife wont paly? - 6/22/2008 10:58:53 AM   
sobeach1970


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		Hello   this is my first post so go easy....   What is one to do if your wife just wont play ? Is just not into BDSM? She knows that one plays  has decided it does not involve sex and seems to be at peace with me "seeking Sessions" from Pro dom's Divorce is not an option but the drive for submission is so strong and so much a part of me. Any ideas?
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RE: If your Wife wont paly? - 6/22/2008 11:01:25 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		Well... if she's really ok iwth the pro domme route, I'd suggest you find one- in particular, this would be  good idea for you because there will be no strings, at least on her part.

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RE: If your Wife wont paly? - 6/22/2008 11:10:05 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm not sure I understand the question.  It seems you have a situation a lot of married subs would like to have, actual permission from your wife, to explore BDSM.  She's even willing to go as far as letting you pay a pro. 

You can't change the fact that you're wife isn't interested.  What you have here, is probably the second best option.  One that many people would be happy to settle for, if they could get even that far.


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RE: If your Wife wont paly? - 6/22/2008 11:23:21 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Are you asking how to make your wife dominant?
or are you wanting advice about how to find a domme?
need to be more clear.
if it is option a - you can't make your wife dominant.

if option b - check domme profiles on this site and good luck.

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: If your Wife wont paly? - 6/22/2008 11:24:01 AM   
MissNan


Posts: 7
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline 		You and I are in the same boat.  Permission to play.  No sex. 

Suggest you find someone similar in your area for the physical submission you crave, or some online play that could satisfy you somewhat and bring that newfound passion to your marriage bed.

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: If your Wife wont paly? - 6/22/2008 11:28:11 AM   
ViceVersa


Posts: 137
Joined: 11/29/2005
Status: offline 		Hi sobeach,

Tough situation. I reached that place with my wife. We played for several years and then she decided it just wasn't for her. She encouraged me to find a partner to play with and I think she preferred the idea of a pro domme because she thought the "transaction" would be more money-based than attraction-based. However, seeking out a pro domme - in part because I'm a switch, in part because I didn't want a relationship based on money - didn't appeal to me so I never seriously considered that. I came close to finding a partner, met the woman a few different times, but finally decided that entering a relationship with her would inevitably draw me away from wife and kids. So...I sacrificed my sexuality to family obligations. My wife and I stayed in a sort of sexual detente for several years until she determined that she was actually a lesbian. Upon that realization, we parted amicably and are now both free to pursue our own sexualities. I would have pursued a divorce once the kids were up and out of the house had things not developed as they did.

I agree with LadyPact, provided you and your wife are on the same page about you seeing a pro domme, that might be the best option. I'd stay in close communication with my spouse in that situation because how the two of you feel about the idea of you seeing a pro domme may be different from how the two of you feel after you starting seeing one.

Good luck.

< Message edited by ViceVersa -- 6/22/2008 11:30:45 AM >

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RE: If your Wife wont paly? - 6/22/2008 11:31:03 AM   
MissNan


Posts: 7
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline 		I'd also like to recommend a book for you...

Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino... A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships.

Good Luck!!

(in reply to ViceVersa)
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RE: If your Wife wont paly? - 6/22/2008 12:50:17 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5173
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sobeach1970

Hello   this is my first post so go easy....   What is one to do if your wife just wont play ? Is just not into BDSM? She knows that one plays  has decided it does not involve sex and seems to be at peace with me "seeking Sessions" from Pro dom's Divorce is not an option but the drive for submission is so strong and so much a part of me. Any ideas?


Submission is more than playing.  It is how you treat your partner and services you provide.  So treat your wife as you would like to treat your Domme.  Do little things to make her life easier.  Give her a massage or a back scratch.  Fix her a bubble bath when you know she's had a long hard day.  Prepare dinner.  Make it your job to clean up after dinner. 

If all you are seeking is the "play" part of BDSM and your wife isn't interested in serving you by Topping, then perhaps seeing a Pro Domme is your best alternative. 

By the way, i was married to a man who wasn't interested in being my Dom.  I had permission from him to find a Top but never felt right doing so.  I served him till the day he passed away.  So i know what i'm talking about. 

(in reply to sobeach1970)
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RE: If your Wife wont paly? - 6/22/2008 3:50:07 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		This isn't meant as a criticism, so please don't take it that way. I know, however, that if I was in love with a woman enough to marry her, that I would be more than happy to do whatever makes her happy, and if she doesn't want to do bdsm with me, then I would have known that before we agreed to be married. I've never understood how something like this sneaks up on someone after he's married, unless the desire to be submissive emerged while married; then it would make sense.

Anyway, you appear to be in a lucky enough situation where you can seek elsewhere what you are desiring. However, I do get the distinct impression that sex is NOT authorized outside of your situation. In most bdsm sessions with a professional, that shouldn't even be a consideration. However, it also depends upon your class or selection of dominants you seek out, as to whether or not that ends up being a problem with which you must contend.


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RE: If your Wife wont paly? - 6/22/2008 4:01:03 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I think you need to decide which is more important to you.  The drive to submit and maybe have more than pro domme sessions or the reasons you feel divorce is not an option and do whatever is most important.  You may be able to find a dominant that wants a situation with you and you can have both worlds open for the taking.  But if you want to live it, breath it and do 24/7 within a relationship... you have a choice to make. 

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RE: If your Wife wont paly? - 6/22/2008 5:25:02 PM   
ViceVersa


Posts: 137
Joined: 11/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I've never understood how something like this sneaks up on someone after he's married,


Hi littlesarbonn,

Actually, that was pretty much my case. All my life I knew I was kinky but I really didn't know what that meant. I thought I was pretty much alone and - growing up in a fairly rural community prior to the internet - there wasn't a lot of opportunity to find things out. Being kinky stunted my dating and relationship experience until after college because I knew what I wanted but didn't know how to talk about it. My ex was the first person I came out to. She didn't reject me and in fact seemed to enjoy bdsm before we got married. However, she never realized how important it was to me and I never realized it wouldn't become something more than an occasional spice for her. She eventually decided it wasn't her thang. No regrets - we made the best decisions we were capable of at the time. But it can happen.

Now I understand that kink for me is my sexual orientation and the criteria I use in considering a future partner is their response to "would you give up kink for love or would you give up love for kink?" Obviously, you want both but, if they'd:

- Give up kink for love then they're probably not for me (it's just a spice and not an orientation)
- Give up love for kink, then we might have a future (because it's their orientation as well)

_____________________________

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Coming Out Letters
Carolina Order of Rope Devotees
Triangle Munch Group

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RE: If your Wife wont paly? - 6/22/2008 5:30:54 PM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		I'm in a similar situation, OP. My wife and I tried all sorts of solutions, but nothing really worked. In the end, she didn't want to see me miserable, so she gave up her "exclusive right" to me. Amazingly, the reduction of pressure has done our marriage a wrorld of good.

If you can afford a pro domme, that is the way to go. However, being a poor perv myself, I took the lower cost route of joining a local BDSM group, and finding people who didn't mind playing with married subs. (with a verification meeting with my wife.)

Either way you go, remember, you need to be honest with everyone. Your wife, the people you play with, and especially yourself. It's not the fooling around that is corrosive to your relationship, as much as it is the lying.

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RE: If your Wife wont paly? - 6/22/2008 8:42:37 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		If It was me I would of never married someone not into the kinky lifestyle, since I know it's a nessisary and required staple in my life for me to remain content and happy. And for those who said but I didn't know, I wouldn't of left that up to chance, I would of found out right from the start, since I only date kinky individuals and can not ever see myself dating someone with no kinky inclivities, since I already did that route and payed for it.

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RE: If your Wife wont paly? - 6/23/2008 1:05:47 AM   
pinkieplum


Posts: 84
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sobeach1970

Hello   this is my first post so go easy....   What is one to do if your wife just wont play ? Is just not into BDSM? She knows that one plays  has decided it does not involve sex and seems to be at peace with me "seeking Sessions" from Pro dom's Divorce is not an option but the drive for submission is so strong and so much a part of me. Any ideas?


i don't feel i can give you any specific advice, but here are some random thoughts:
 
Just because you 'discovered' D/s after X years of marriage, and now feel a want/need to 'play' does not obligate your wife to consent to this fundamental change in the dynamic of your marriage.
 
Dommes are not common; it's not a big surprise your wife didn't 'discover' her 'inner Domme' when you 'discovered' you were a submissive man. 
 
IMO, you need to be careful in acting on your submissive nature by 'seeking out Pro-Dommes' or 'sessioning' with any third party.  Make sure you fully understand how your wife feels about this -- help her to explore her feelings, and let her feel safe in expressing any reluctance. 
 
Time away from home, diversion of disposable income, and any emotional attachment to a third party is a loss to your wife.  Make sure to fully explore with her her feelings about this as well.
 
Don't throw away a good marriage to induldge a fantasy.
 
pinkieplum 

< Message edited by pinkieplum -- 6/23/2008 1:07:28 AM >

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RE: If your Wife wont paly? - 6/23/2008 1:07:57 AM   
Wolfie648


Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sobeach1970

Hello   this is my first post so go easy....   What is one to do if your wife just wont play ? Is just not into BDSM? She knows that one plays  has decided it does not involve sex and seems to be at peace with me "seeking Sessions" from Pro dom's Divorce is not an option but the drive for submission is so strong and so much a part of me. Any ideas?


Get another one. Err my bad nevermind.

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Possibly.

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