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-=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/22/2008 9:22:36 PM

ResidentSadist

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-=Meaning Behind The Action=-

This is not about Topping or Bottoming. It’s about BDSM relationships. I see people focus on the ritual and performance more than the purpose behind it or how the ritual serves the relationship. Often I see posts where either a Master or slave judges each other, themselves or the relationship by how some aspect of BDSM performance or protocol comes off.

Leather, whips, chains, cages and protocol are the tools by which the bonds of trust and relationships are forged. However it's not the leather that excites or connects people together, it's who is using it and why they're using it. It's not the act or the actions alone that are exciting or purposeful. It's the actors and the meaning behind its use.

-Kalon Eric

Just saying…

(part of random BDSM philosophy for the masses)

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RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/23/2008 11:42:41 AM

Deliena

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I find protocol can be good for getting into a headspace (particularly because I have a challenging job and I tend to be still processing stuff to do with that hours after I've come home most days) but I do find some people's focus on it confusing. But I'm a confusing and confused person.

Thanks for starting this topic - it is likely to turn out very interesting....

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Post #: 2

RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/23/2008 12:03:47 PM

beargonewild

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

-=Meaning Behind The Action=-

This is not about Topping or Bottoming. It’s about BDSM relationships. I see people focus on the ritual and performance more than the purpose behind it or how the ritual serves the relationship. Often I see posts where either a Master or slave judges each other, themselves or the relationship by how some aspect of BDSM performance or protocol comes off.

What I had highlighted is what I feel is the one important thing to remember in BDSM. Underneath the leather and the protocols, it is still an everyday relationship between two people (or more if poly). Even though we may be dominant, submissive or a switch; the cages, gags, whips, floggers etc, all the toys we use are just implements we use to express our kinkiness. When that is removed, we still have a dynamic with the other person whether it's a deep fondness, caring or love of that person and in much the same manner we do for another if we weren't kink minded.
Granted for many people, the kink is highly important though it's not the end all/be all, it is that little extra we desire/need in a relationship when the "vanilla" just isn't enough. It is the zest we all seek to spice up our lives and many of us find it within the world of BDSM

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RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/23/2008 12:13:25 PM

Owner4SexSlave

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I believe everything has meaning in some form or another. However at times we can take something very simple and add too much meaning to it. At times the sublime should be just left alone. KISS (keep it simple stupid).

Now, in regards to protocols and rituals. Those thing are great for headspace, and reinforcement of the D/s dynamics.

I'm one of those multi-level protocol kind of guys. I associate it to like different gears in a car. Yes, it's a headspace level form of control as well. Not only a control of my partners headspace, but my own as well.

When it comes to rituals, those things tend to loose their meaning somewhat in time, and the more you do them. So, I'll fuck with and same the rituals at points in time. Kind of keeps things a little on the refresh side. Some people fall into ruts with doing the same old thing over and over again.

However, rituals also provide structure, with that a sense of security. When I make radical adjustments with rituals, you bettcha I'm fucking with certain things for a moment. Change can be a rather excieting yet uncomfortable beast.

The best rituals and protocals are those that BOTH parties get a certain sense of being and Headspace out of together. So, protocals and rituals that work the best, work really well because of how they effect both submissive and Dom alike.

Some people don't put a lot of thought into protocols and rituals, like it's some last minute 1/2 ass slapped together thing to do, because it's required by the slave owners manual of the BDSM how to guide.

This is an area to be explored together, by Master and slave.. or Dom and submissive alike. To be able to literally feel or know the connection level that is there during the ritual or protocol call use time.

This concept might seem a little hard to grasp until you are in a relationship, and experiment and try different things out with your partner.

This is one of the reasons, I don't believe in fully taking the GOR, or OLD GUARD pills of life. Some things are best left to good old fashioned exploration together.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 4

RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/23/2008 1:14:04 PM

kiwisub12

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I enjoy the ritual - only because when i serve Sir's coffee on the tray, and stand with my legs apart, then wait to be dismissed - i KNOW for sure that i am pleasing Sir.
His rituals are done for his pleasure, therefore they are intrinsically pleasant for him, and since i wish to please him, i love the rituals.
He doesn't have all that many, which for me makes it that much more meaningful to perform the ones that we have. I wouldn't want a lot of ritual because then it would become about the ritual- doing it right,, doing it at the right time, etc - rather than the meaning behind the ritual.

Its kind of like the story about the woman who when cooking a roast would cut the end off of the meat. One of her kids asked why she did that and she told her "because Grandma always did that, and she taught me to cook". So she asked Grandma why she cut the end off the roast and Grandma told her it was because the pan was too short. In other words , ritual is a great thing, but common sense is better. or something.

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Post #: 5

RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/23/2008 1:36:22 PM

SteelofUtah

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See I get what RS is saying. I see the same things.

There are THOUSANDS of posts about "My Master wants me to put Peanut Butter on myself and let random strangers lick if off, should I be concerned about this or is this normal behavior?" Or Better yet "My Master wants me let his friend have sex with him and film it and I'm not comefortable with this but the slave in me wants to surrender to his desire, What should I do?" and there are Many different responces but in the end it usually always comes down to "Well what do YOU think you should do?" which often Boggles my mind.

I have made threads on these boards where people thought I was looking for advice when in reality I was looking for opinions on how others handle situations and oddly enough all I ever notice is that some people want to comment on an Individuals Life and not on the subject at hand. And those who don't offer very small and simple compartmentalized answers of "As a submissive you should want to do his will" or " As a Domiant you should know for yourself before you engage in such activities exactly what you want out of it." Sure Perfect world Stuff why not? truth be told is that eash one of these situations has a Relationship behind it that is far more complex than the question being asked.

I often do not believe that people understand that one size does not fit all, or even most for that matter and so because of that Protocol and Ritual should serve a purpose. I remember a guy who used to have his slave sleep on the floor with her collar while being chained to a wall. I asked him "Why, do you do that don't you want her in bed with you?" to which he said "Yeah, but this way I get to show her I am in charge of the little things that everything she does is under my control." To which I replied "Shouldn't she already know that? What Purpose does having her on the floor serve?" To which he said "It is how I have always done things with any girl that I have had, It's just what I do." To which I ended the conversation with "Do you think she knows why she is on the floor? If I asked her would I get the same answer you gave or would she tell me 'because it is what Master wants'?"

How many here answer questions that way? "Because it is Masters Wish" or "Because it is what My Master wants" Do you know the reason? Do you know if there is a reason?

I try to only do things with a reason even if that reason is because I want you too, I try not to fall into the cliches of what is and isn't okay based on Majority Standards. Truth be told most would not consider my current relationship D/s but she does the things that I want and she knows what they are and the reason I have for her doing them and for us that serves the only purpose I need.

I am not saying that protocol is wrong or that wanting thigs done for the sake of doing them is wrong what I am saying is that having purpose has enriched my life and I am happy that it has because before I was asking for a lot and none of it was really making me happy.

Steel

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RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/23/2008 1:41:35 PM

xxblushesxx

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Nah, I just like the leather and the boots...

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RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/23/2008 9:08:37 PM

MistressYlwa

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I don't use rituals, just for the sake of having rituals. I find that my habits tend to lean toward rituals, when having a boy perform them. They find the concept of rituals appealing and reinforcemant of their position. I get to have my coffee brought to me in the morning. hehehe

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RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/24/2008 12:13:23 AM

ProtagonistLily

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quote:

I often do not believe that people understand that one size does not fit all, or even most for that matter and so because of that Protocol and Ritual should serve a purpose. I remember a guy who used to have his slave sleep on the floor with her collar while being chained to a wall. I asked him "Why, do you do that don't you want her in bed with you?" to which he said "Yeah, but this way I get to show her I am in charge of the little things that everything she does is under my control." To which I replied "Shouldn't she already know that? What Purpose does having her on the floor serve?" To which he said "It is how I have always done things with any girl that I have had, It's just what I do." To which I ended the conversation with "Do you think she knows why she is on the floor? If I asked her would I get the same answer you gave or would she tell me 'because it is what Master wants'?"

While I thought this post overall was brilliant, I found this section particularly so. As a submissive, I find those who consistantly answer questions that could make for great conversation with "Anything Master Wants" to be a real abject bore.

I am collared, living 24/7 with my Dominant. We have certain rituals and routines we perform in the name of D/s-M/s in the context of our daily lives. Sometimes, when I try to talk to others who are in similar situations as we are, about what kinds of things they do on a daily basis that separates their relationship from the rest of the vanilla world (and I really don't care who you are, and how BDSM you think you are, some part of your life is conducted in the vanilla world). When I hear "What ever he wants" I seriously want to vomit. That is not a means to an end, that's the end. I want to know how you got to that end.

For me, in the end, it always is really what Sir wants, in one way or another; I will either accept what he wants willingly, or I will bend myself to his will. I find the pat "What ever Maam/Sir/(insert your honorific here) wants", is a cop out. I want to know how you actually get to that place, not that you are compliant, and perfect and can put on the act in public. I want to know how you submitted to their will.

Because I'd love to sit here like some 'subbie' and say "Oh yes, I am pleasing and compliant always ready to serve." And sometimes, I've got other things on my mind. Sometimes, he challenges me in ways I'd rather he didn't, and I have to actually submit to his will. Submission wasn't a 1 time thing where I signed a contract, got a collar and Voila! Submission for me happens almost daily, and it's active.

I find that I actively submit to his will on a daily basis. Usually it's not kicking and screaming, but sometimes it is. And it's at those times that I grow and learn and become enriched the most.

PL

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RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/24/2008 12:18:49 AM

GreedyTop

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Post #: 10

RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/24/2008 1:00:05 AM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave

When it comes to rituals, those things tend to loose their meaning somewhat in time, and the more you do them. So, I'll fuck with and same the rituals at points in time.

The first experimenter in chaos was done by a meteorologist Edward Lorenz in 1960 when he was working on the problem of weather prediction. He had a computer set up, with a set of twelve equations to model the weather and the computer program was set to theoretically predict what the weather might be. One day in 1961, he wanted to see a particular sequence again. To save time, he started in the middle of the sequence, instead of the beginning entering the number off his printout and left it to let it run. When he came back an hour later, the sequence had evolved differently. Instead of the same pattern as before, it diverged from the pattern, ending up wildly different from the original. The moral of the story? Don’t go away and change the ritual for too long……leaving your slave manacled for an extra hour like that…..chaos will ensue for certain. I guess some guys love to fuck with the math. As long as the relationship is strong enough to handle chaos though all should be well…….IMHO (H = humble by the way)

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 6/24/2008 1:01:56 AM >

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Post #: 11

RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/24/2008 1:11:04 AM

ResidentSadist

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This thread is coming along nicely, thank you all for your posts. I will add to your comments with my fav rituals and the meanings behind them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-=My Daily BDSM Rituals=-
In my daily routine I use BDSM rituals. My dinnertime ritual was once witnessed by a guest and it was so moving he cried. He said it touched him to see love expressed so completely in a BDSM genre. Daily reminders and reinforcement of our roles and position to each other lead to a more successful M/s relationship.

Before Breakfast Time
Whether waking up to a cup of coffee and/or “breast-fast” (gratuitous oral sex usually ending with a pearly chest) in bed, it is a wonderful thing and it makes me feel like a king. In return, I ask my slave(s) “have you had your spankings yet today.” Starting the morning to erotic and orgasmic spankings before they face the world really changes a slave’s attitude. “Serving” Master coffee or “breast-fast” and then getting spanked over Master’s knee reinforces their role position as much as it does mine. My slaves say that the before breakfast ritual “puts them in their place, the orgasms are nice and it makes them happy too.”

Before Dinnertime (home from work)
I take time when I get home every weekday, while my slave bows naked at my feet, to reflect on some recent event and let her know how much owning her pleases me. Not just some reparative monologue or speech but a genuine expression of my appreciation in regards to something recent and relevant that makes her "feel" appreciated and owned. In return, she also communicates how she is glad that I own her and she tells of something I have done recently.
*This does a few things for the relationship:
1. It reminds us daily and reinforces our roles because we are standing in a Master and slave position.
2. It reinforces my leadership/authority in that I speak first and set the mood.
3. It creates personal appreciation for the relationship by the examination of it to come with what you will say.
4. It makes positive thinking a daily habit.
5. It forces communication, mutual appreciation and support daily.

At BedtimeI chain or cage a slave(s) each night. I check the cage water bottle, lock the locks then walk the house and secure the doors. This reinforces my authority over them and reinforces my role as owner and protector. When my slaves are helpless property and walk the house at bight to lock it up… I am a primal securing all that he owns. My slaves say the bedtime rituals make them feel safe, connected to Master and they feel like owned property. They become addicted to the cool chain on their ankle.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 6/24/2008 1:14:05 AM >

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RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/24/2008 1:13:26 AM

ResidentSadist

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........

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RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/24/2008 8:05:02 AM

CreativeDominant

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Nice OP, R.S..

I really liked what Lilly had to say...about how the "what and why" along the path to submitting that day or to a specific instance is more interesting than just the statement of "Because Master/Sir/Ma'am wishes it". Of course, we wish it...otherwise, we would not have commanded/asked it. As a submissive who has AGREED to submit, the journey of how you got to that point is more interesting than the fact that you did. The fact that you did is to be praised and recognized...definitely...but the means of your journey is what helps everyone learn.

Personally, I feel that the rituals and protocols are helpful in creating that space wherein it is easier to submit and to dominate (though like anything else in life, this is not 100% true). But, I also feel that the rituals and protocols are best when, while modeled on everything you have learned from others...be it conversations here, attending munches/demos, reading the many D/s sources available...still have relevance because they are tuned to fit you and yours.

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RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/24/2008 9:27:53 AM

lanie38

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~FR~

We don't have a lot of protocols or rituals. We both are very compatible in the fact that he doesn't feel the need to *reinforce* his dominance. I know who's in charge and I don't need to be reminded of that by repeating certain behaviors over and over again.

I do find this thread very interesting though...I'm quite amazed at how structured some relationships are..and wonderful btw if that what works for you...but I must admit that that constant repetition would bore me senseless...

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RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/24/2008 9:55:54 AM

came4U

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From: London, Ontario
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quote:

I find protocol can be good for getting into a headspace

Good point Deliena.

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Post #: 16

RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/24/2008 4:56:35 PM

ResidentSadist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant
Nice OP, R.S..

I really liked what Lilly had to say...about how the "what and why" along the path to submitting that day or to a specific instance is more interesting than just the statement of "Because Master/Sir/Ma'am wishes it". Of course, we wish it...otherwise, we would not have commanded/asked it. As a submissive who has AGREED to submit, the journey of how you got to that point is more interesting than the fact that you did. The fact that you did is to be praised and recognized...definitely...but the means of your journey is what helps everyone learn.

Personally, I feel that the rituals and protocols are helpful in creating that space wherein it is easier to submit and to dominate (though like anything else in life, this is not 100% true). But, I also feel that the rituals and protocols are best when, while modeled on everything you have learned from others...be it conversations here, attending munches/demos, reading the many D/s sources available...still have relevance because they are tuned to fit you and yours.

I am pleasantly surprised by all the input this thread has received and I thank you for yours. I also like rituals and protocols that are crafted to fit the relationship and reinforce both parties’ connection and their roles to each other.

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RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/25/2008 9:44:13 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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How many here answer questions that way? "Because it is Masters Wish" or "Because it is what My Master wants" Do you know the reason? Do you know if there is a reason?

I try to only do things with a reason even if that reason is because I want you too, I try not to fall into the cliches of what is and isn't okay based on Majority Standards. Truth be told most would not consider my current relationship D/s but she does the things that I want and she knows what they are and the reason I have for her doing them and for us that serves the only purpose I need.

I am not saying that protocol is wrong or that wanting thigs done for the sake of doing them is wrong what I am saying is that having purpose has enriched my life and I am happy that it has because before I was asking for a lot and none of it was really making me happy.

Steel
IMO...when a submissive says..because it is Masters wish ..they do know the reason ...and it could be as simple as the Dominant reinforcing the dynamic...I have always had an abhorrence toward what I consider the ridiculous tasks I have heard, that some Dominants have decreed...I have a want/need to know that what they are demanding has an inate common sense reason behind it...but as a relationship develops over time,and the understanding of each other is in place, then the need to have the reasoning behind a task explained lessens as the understanding between the 2 grows.....until you may simply get back to..."because it is Masters wish"...Tempting

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RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/27/2008 7:40:38 AM

chamberqueen

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"Leather, whips, chains, cages and protocol are the tools by which the bonds of trust and relationships are forged."

None of these are used in my relationship, yet it is a healthy and satisfying BDSM relationship. Once in a while a leather paddle gets used, but rarely.

I think that the true bonds are forged by knowing both your own needs and learning those of your partner. If my need is to submit to someone that I can trust, and His need is to teach, protect, and lead someone who craves to please Him, and we work together for mutual fulfillment then our bond becomes stronger. If He chooses not to have a strict protocol, but to allow me leeway in how to please Him so that I can use my creativity - and it works for both of us - it is just as valid a relationship as one that has a lot of rules.

One thing I love about the lifestyle is that there is so much room in it to choose your own style. There is a huge amount of trust involved, good communication, and willingness on both sides. I respect and adore Him. He is proud of my achievements, both vanilla and lifestyle. The bond comes from enjoying both each other and our respective roles. My fulfillment comes from truly feeling that I belong to someone; His comes from knowing that there is nothing that I wouldn't do to please Him. Isn't it wonderful that there is the latitude for us to each find our bonds and fulfillment in our own way?

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Post #: 19

RE: -=Meaning Behind The Action=- - 6/27/2008 8:28:35 AM

ResidentSadist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

"Leather, whips, chains, cages and protocol are the tools by which the bonds of trust and relationships are forged."

None of these are used in my relationship, yet it is a healthy and satisfying BDSM relationship. Once in a while a leather paddle gets used, but rarely.

[snip]

You have me very curious as to how to conduct a BDSM style relationship without protocol? It makes me wonder if our use of the term is different?

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Post #: 20

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