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A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to connect... - 6/23/2008 8:32:22 PM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		I saw this post in another thread about why submissive men just can't seem to find a domme to play with (I believe the OP was saying that dommes were $cam artists).  I found the post down-to-earth, no-blame, good advice for y'all men who are new (or not so new), befuddled, and trying to navigate that waters of CM.  It was so damned awesome, it needed to be re-posted.

Seasoned regulars here, this is not aimed at you, so please don't feel this is another part of the blame game.

It was written by MmeGigs, and posted here with her permission.

Mss

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went out and looked at a dozen femdom profiles.  I looked at the first twelve I saw that had pics - I figured that would provide a good sample.  It really wasn't very difficult to tell which were likely to ask for "tribute".  One was a pro and made no bones about it.  Two were looking for men (plural) and their profiles spoke of the excitingly evil things they would and wouldn't do in a style that was reminiscent of bad porn.  I suspect that these girls would ask for money or gifts.  One was looking for play with no commitment which is a bit of a red flag, but she was rather specific about some non-sex, non-kink stuff, so she could go either way.

Seven of the femdoms didn't have a lot to say that was excitingly evil.  While the amount of detail they provided varied a great deal, all of them were pretty explicit about what they were looking for in a relationship but talked about kinky play and sex in general terms if at all.  Most of them described their style of domination and what they expected from a relationship, again in varying amounts of detail and with little attempt at titillation.  I'd guess that few of these women ask for money or gifts. 

Eight of the twelve femdoms' profiles contained a reference to one or more things they didn't want to see any more of - wannafucks, cheating men, boilerplate, etc.  One profile was almost completely devoted to bitching about the emails she doesn't want to see any more of.  I know that a lot of guys out there find that rather bitchy and a bit of a turn-off, but if these ladies' CM inboxes are anything like mine, maybe one in ten of the emails they receive is worth answering.  Most of them are from fellows looking for the services of prodom without the fees, which I will admit colors my attitude about the fellows who complain about being asked for money.

If you want better results, think about what it is you're looking for (long term relationship, friends with benefits, casual play with a stranger?) and about the kind of profiles you're responding to.  If a guy is looking for a long term or friends with benefits relationship with a dominant woman, he'll do better if he avoids the porny sounding profiles and looks for someone more down to earth whose criteria are a reasonable fit.  

If a guy wants casual kinky play with anyDomme who's willing and won't charge him, he's got to understand that he's looking for a pretty rare commodity and it will take a lot of persistence to wade through the come-and-get-me profiles to find her since most of these probably are come-and-get-me-and-bring-cash.  There are quite a few femdoms and femtops who play casually for fun, not for money, but they don't play with strangers - they play with people they know and like.

< Message edited by MySweetSubmssive -- 6/23/2008 8:34:21 PM >

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/23/2008 9:15:48 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

MmeGigs


She sounds a bit like a travel writer. I wonder what kind of material she could post about the five other groups out there: femsubs, maledoms, malesubs, male switches, and female switches.

She might also explore the difference between maledom profile content and femdom profile content.

Glad to see she didn't presume malesubs to be know-nothing, tactless, sex-driven, kink-focused block heads.

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/23/2008 9:19:25 PM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
Glad to see she didn't presume malesubs to be know-nothing, tactless, sex-driven, kink-focused block heads.


One of the reasons I thought it valuable to re-post.

Mss

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/24/2008 4:35:31 AM   
MmeGigs


Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
She sounds a bit like a travel writer. I wonder what kind of material she could post about the five other groups out there: femsubs, maledoms, malesubs, male switches, and female switches.

She might also explore the difference between maledom profile content and femdom profile content.


I was responding to a fellow who wanted to know why all femdoms want money or tribute.  The question kind of frustrated me so I did some digging in order to better address it. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
Glad to see she didn't presume malesubs to be know-nothing, tactless, sex-driven, kink-focused block heads.


If I did, I wouldn't have married one.  ;) 

There are some malesubs out there who are know-nothing, tactless, sex-driven, kink-focused block heads, just as there are some femdoms out there who are know-it-all, tactless, money-driven, self-absorbed block heads.  I don't think that either of these are representative of their gender/orientation.

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/24/2008 8:06:48 AM   
passub


Posts: 37
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline 		Well, been up upon this site for a while and, maybe it`s just moi or de weather or..???? but i am
geting a clear vibe, that if ye ant to meet a dominant lady as opposed to a dommey-do me or some
typa blow-up doll kinda schlock.... ye need to broaden yer horizons and not just look on one web site
or 2or even 3 but ye need to get out in yer local community.

That is de fetish community, attend munches, events, demonstrations, parties and post on your main
bdsm board, this is more important if ye be in a marginal location, where there is not a big scene or not
a lot of folks in same.
So in the case of Ireland here the number of dominants on de site is small, take out de pro`s and
others who are too far away and ye are left with - well not a big selection and then there is
compatibility - would ye get on with the dominant..ect/....

So by all means, go online be active but may be more productive and more fun to get outa and
abouta and meet folks face to face in yer community.

But of course, keep trying and try every possible channel.

(in reply to MmeGigs)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/24/2008 8:33:20 AM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive

One profile was almost completely devoted to bitching about the emails she doesn't want to see any more of.  I know that a lot of guys out there find that rather bitchy and a bit of a turn-off, but if these ladies' CM inboxes are anything like mine, maybe one in ten of the emails they receive is worth answering. 


Point taken about the signal to noise ratio here, but at the same time, does the woman with the profile described above want to attract a particular type of sub?  Pardon my french, but I think the old saying applies that "you can catch more flies with honey than with shit".  I can never bring myself to respond to profiles filled with such negativity.  If someone is that angy over what appears in their inbox (in the big picture of life, is it a "big thing" or a "little thing"?), then how are they going to deal with any faux pas of mine that I might make?
 
quote:


If you want better results, think about what it is you're looking for (long term relationship, friends with benefits, casual play with a stranger?) and about the kind of profiles you're responding to.  If a guy is looking for a long term or friends with benefits relationship with a dominant woman, he'll do better if he avoids the porny sounding profiles and looks for someone more down to earth whose criteria are a reasonable fit.  


I'd very much agree with this!  Knowing what you want applies to both sides of the coin.  You can't do BDSM 24 hours/day, so IMO, the personality match and shared vanilla interests have to come first.  Focusing on the kinks or power exchange first seems to me to be a backward way of approaching things.  Those things always seem to work themselves out later if the basic foundation for a relationship is already there.
 

quote:


There are quite a few femdoms and femtops who play casually for fun, not for money, but they don't play with strangers - they play with people they know and like.


That's true, and I think you're most likely to meet those women through your local organizations, clubs and dungeons. 
 
 
 - pixel
 


_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/24/2008 10:04:44 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline 		Sorry, I was kind of being a dick on purpose --- tongue and cheek with some elements of femdom mocking (gasp!.) Not directed at you personally, tho... just some of the past stuff thrown up on the MB.

Your post did strike me as travel writing --- the explorer who goes to strange lands to make sense of them for the general, less informed public. MSS has a way of identifying good writing.

My advice to daters tends to be generic --- just lead with your best qualities and trust your intuitions and common sense.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 6/24/2008 10:07:56 AM >

(in reply to MmeGigs)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/24/2008 1:58:25 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		Pixelslave,

--- "you can catch more flies with honey than with shit"

Unfortunately, you can catch quite a few flies with shit too, and some people, God bless'em, actually look for shitty relationships.  I'm with you in that when I read or hear Dominas who consistently show revulsion towards others, I spend no more time.  This isn't someone who would function well with me in friendship or in a relationship.  I tend to think the following true of all people, not just Dominas:  those who are capable of and interested in communicating and sharing put themselves out in an inviting way.  The rest, I simply filter through.  While I'm a fan of the adage "never say never", to date I've never been successful in building friendships and relationships with people who speak of potential partners with negativity and/or who want something from me up front (money, tribute, etc.) before we can communicate.  Thus, for me, my rule is to avoid these people.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that anyone's approach is bad or wrong.  Rather, I just know what works for me so I stick to it.  Also, context is everything.  Two of my close friends are professional Dominas (one an ex professional and the other still conducts professional sessions from time-to-time).  However, I didn't meet these people in a professional environment and their professional associations have nothing to do with our friendship.

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 6/24/2008 2:00:55 PM >

(in reply to pixelslave)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/24/2008 6:32:52 PM   
Morsigil


Posts: 67
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		This is all great advice for someone new to the scene. I have only been participating since maybe november of 2007 and I've pretty much gathered the same ideas, but the unfortunate fact is that some areas simply don't have the population to support everyone and their desires (at least, not readily).

For instance, you would think that in Portland, Oregon I would be able to find at least one dedicated, unattached dominant female who came to local munches and parties, and yet I haven't met a single one. Likewise, here on CM I haven't been able to locate anyone who was mutually interested in me. My life isn't barren of kink or sex, of course, but I certainly haven't found what I wanted.

Sometimes time and patience are the only answers. At least that's what they tell me... =)

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/24/2008 7:36:56 PM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued

Pixelslave,

--- "you can catch more flies with honey than with shit"

Unfortunately, you can catch quite a few flies with shit too, and some people, God bless'em, actually look for shitty relationships.  I'm with you in that when I read or hear Dominas who consistently show revulsion towards others, I spend no more time. 



Perhaps the tastier ones you can only catch with honey??
 
Dysfunctional people and relationships exist everywhere, I wouldn't expect people in this lifestyle to be any different than the rest of the population in that regard.  Many communities have a way of policing themselves when such people are identified.  One advantage of getting involved in your local community is that others can often speak for your character as well as the character of someone that might interest you. 
 
Ultimately though, people's behavior speak for themselves and it's a matter of being willing to allow yourself to spot the red flags, then having the self discipline to act upon them when spotted and walk away.  That's not nearly as easy as it sounds for most when the chance to have their ultimate fantasies fulfilled is finally just within their grasp.
 
 - pixel



_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/24/2008 8:35:16 PM   
EvilKitty


Posts: 148
Joined: 7/13/2006
From: Tampa Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Morsigil

This is all great advice for someone new to the scene. I have only been participating since maybe november of 2007 and I've pretty much gathered the same ideas, but the unfortunate fact is that some areas simply don't have the population to support everyone and their desires (at least, not readily).

For instance, you would think that in Portland, Oregon I would be able to find at least one dedicated, unattached dominant female who came to local munches and parties, and yet I haven't met a single one. Likewise, here on CM I haven't been able to locate anyone who was mutually interested in me. My life isn't barren of kink or sex, of course, but I certainly haven't found what I wanted.

Sometimes time and patience are the only answers. At least that's what they tell me... =)


Because (I'm guessing) I'm married & have 1 sub, I receive very few emails; about 1 or 2 per week. Even though most of those won't get up the courage to come meet me, I try really hard to encourage them to come out to the local Munch at the very least. I may not be Ms.Right, but I'll happily introduce them around to see if I can help them find her! My own boy considered me only as Ms.RightNow at the beginning; he's been collared to me for 11 years. I think I have a big enough heart for another sub or 2 & I certainly have the time to devote to making sure everyone's needs are met! Now, if I could just find little mr.right....if I could just figure out what they want? Luckily, life is long; it will come eventually!

_____________________________

Save the Earth! It's the Only Planet with Chocolate!

(in reply to Morsigil)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/25/2008 7:04:59 PM   
MmeGigs


Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
Sorry, I was kind of being a dick on purpose --- tongue and cheek with some elements of femdom mocking (gasp!.) Not directed at you personally, tho... just some of the past stuff thrown up on the MB.

Your post did strike me as travel writing --- the explorer who goes to strange lands to make sense of them for the general, less informed public. MSS has a way of identifying good writing.


I was not the least bit offended by your post.  I can see why it would strike you as travel writing.  That's kind of what I shoot for, I guess.  My posts to public boards are dry as dust because I started my online posting life in a tough venue and learned that keeping things to the point and relatively free of emotion left me in no need of asbestos undies and kept the focus where I wanted it to be rather than off on some tangent.  It's a domly control thing.  ;)

I rather enjoy smartasses so I enjoyed your response, and was pleased that you saw that my post was not a slam on malesubs, who (other than grandchildren) are truly my favorite kind of human (although girls do kiss better).

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
My advice to daters tends to be generic --- just lead with your best qualities and trust your intuitions and common sense.


I'd like to think that'd good advice, but I don't have a heck of a lot of faith in common sense.  It seems to me a very rare commodity.

_____________________________

Only a dead fish goes with the flow.

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/25/2008 8:07:26 PM   
joyinslavery


Posts: 955
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you so much. 

Really.

Have fun. 

_____________________________

"...we must learn, each one of us, that the world was not made for us, and that, however beautiful may be the things we crave, Fate may nevertheless forbid them."
-Bertrand Russell

Mainstream...The New Alternative

*Beware of dog*

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/25/2008 8:09:05 PM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		Really.  You're so welcome. 

Mss

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to joyinslavery)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/25/2008 8:12:57 PM   
joyinslavery


Posts: 955
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline 		I've always thought you were special. 

Now I know. 

Have fun. 

_____________________________

"...we must learn, each one of us, that the world was not made for us, and that, however beautiful may be the things we crave, Fate may nevertheless forbid them."
-Bertrand Russell

Mainstream...The New Alternative

*Beware of dog*

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 6/26/2008 9:20:14 PM   
SurrenderForMe


Posts: 229
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		I agree in general, except that:

I do play with strangers and only casually.  (For anyone who found that interesting.  Don't bother to contact me, I'm not doing anything but work right now and unfortunately for me, nothing kinky.)  I used to go to clubs and play parties and have no problem with casual play, not casual sex.  But I do prefer to play with known entities.

Actually, the issue is that subs don't approach and ask, courteously, if I'm interested.  Since I am sure there are other people out there open to play, I'd suggest asking.  The number of people out there who don't connect because they can't handle the admittedly painful, but small, dent to their egos, seems to be the majority in the scene and out.  That is why these sanitized anonymous sites are so popular.  Everyone is imaginary, fill in the blank and take no risk.  Very tedious.  The biggest compliment that you can give someone is to show sincere interest.  Even if it is just for one session.

It is possibly one of my fetishes, will the sub take their balls (or female parts) in hand and actually do something, not wait for me to do all the work.  

Unfortunately, one risk that is real, is the arrogant, nasty people who think that repaying courtesy with courtesy is below them.  So caveat emptor, you will encounter those who will dis you for the effort. 

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: A PSA for submissives who can't find a domme to con... - 9/12/2008 4:48:59 AM   
InitiateMe


Posts: 1
Joined: 9/11/2008
Status: offline 		I am a total newbie when it comes to the whole BDSM culture and have no experience at all in anything other than vanilla sex and light roleplay. This might not seem that strange at first but when you think that I have been looking to get into the scene since I was fourteen years old that changes the situation a little! I think the reason is not because of 'scam artists' or 'fake Dommes' even though they do exist, but rather the fact that the sub knows that he is not leading a lifestyle that is right for him and knows how to change it. Just as moving abroad or swithcing career paths this is a big step to take to make yourself happy and has a lot of risk assosiated with it. You can loose friends, family and if you realise you have made the wrong decision then you can find yourself trapped. If you are worried about this then you are not ready, once you submit you are not a person, you are a plaything used only when you are wanted, then discareded when your usage comes to an end. So this brings me to the conclusion that the blame lays not with the Domme but with the sub contacting her! You will find subs like me who only contact a Mistress when I know I am ready to completely submit to her, and subs who THINK they are ready. Subs who have been 'looking' for years, or think they have, when in retrospect they have actually been 'browsing'. These are the people that make it hard for subs to find a Mistress. If you really want a reply then you need to fill out a FULL profile and either have pictures on display or pictures to send. You need to keep a jornal of your experiences so that any Mistress can not just see how you are portraying yourself once but how you portray yourself in different moods and faced with different circumstances. If you are a fake sub then you need to switch from this site to redtube or another porn site. If you are a real sub just keep trying, hoping and believing that you will find someone and it will happen. And always remember to speak to any Mistress with the respect they deserve, I have done this and even though I have still to meet a Mistress I have had nothing but respectful replys. I don't know if everyone will agree with me but that is my oppinon and I'm sticking to it!!!

After trying all other sites out there I have now set up my collarme.com profile and if you are interested in meeting or just a chat then get in touch!!!

(in reply to SurrenderForMe)
Profile   Post #: 17
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