wwwkevinww
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TreasureKY
A few days ago in the “Procuring” thread, softness made the following comment in her original post:
quote:
ORIGINAL: softness
... Sir has told me again and again that I am secure in my position as long as I am pleasing.
... He will not seek to replace me as long as I am pleasing ...
At that time, I knew this comment niggled at me, but as it wasn’t really relevant to that particular thread. I also wanted to give it some time and consideration before I voiced my thoughts.
Generally, the idea that a dominant would only keep a slave or submissive so long as he or she is pleasing seems to be a reasonable requirement… though not exclusively from a dominant perspective. I would posit that most people, regardless of orientation or lifestyle choice, would have a difficult time staying committed to someone who behaved in a manner they did not like.
I suppose the underlying difference, though, is the impression that there would be less leeway with a dominant. Not that they require perfection, but, due to the nature of the D/s relationship, there is a higher expectation of compliance and behaving in a pleasing manner placed on the submissive.
Another prominent difference is that this is more likely an upfront and spoken condition placed upon the relationship. I would imagine it is rare for a man to propose marriage to a woman with the caveat that he would only stay married to her for as long as she is pleasing to him.
There is also the commonly accepted concept that, like marriage, collaring a slave is a lifelong commitment. Though, also like marriage, it is generally accepted that it may not work out. It’s just not typically voiced when people get married.
Which brings me to the crux of why softness’ statement “bothered” me… because it is voiced, it is an ultimatum. Please me or you will be replaced.
Ultimatums, in and of themselves, are not really a problem. Whether recognized or not, we live with ultimatums all the time. If you do not get a license, you cannot legally drive a car… if you do not meet entrance requirements, you cannot attend college… if you do not show up for work, you will not get paid… etcetera.
What is different about this particular ultimatum is that it isn’t absolute.
As I intimated above, it would be unusual for a dominant to require perfection from his slave or submissive. Unless DV was one who required absolute perfection from softness, then his statement to her isn’t true. Otherwise, one simple act by her that he found displeasing would have him looking for her replacement.
I doubt that softness’ position is that unsecured. I suspect that DV allows for her to make mistakes and to occasionally displease him.
However, that brings up the second difference with this particular ultimatum… it isn’t specifically defined. At what point do the little displeasures earn softness replacement? Where can softness ever find security in her relationship if she doesn’t know if the very next screw up will send her packing?
I would imagine that most dominants would defend this ultimatum by claiming that the willingness and effort to please is what counts in the end… that as long as the submissive or slave was making a genuine attempt to be pleasing, that the error would not be counted against her. While I would question just how absolute that particular statement would be (if a slave or submissive consistently failed to please… no matter how much she wanted to and how much she tried… I suspect there would eventually be a point where the dominant would give up or lose interest), it still serves to emphasize that the original ultimatum wasn’t accurate.
In D/s relationships where truthfulness and trust are so highly vaunted, I question the wisdom of a dominant making such an ultimatum… one that, for all intents and purposes, is not true. Since it seems to be a common ultimatum, is there some other purpose for this that I am missing?
DV was pretty direct in what he said. He didn't lie about anything, he was overt in his thoughts. Maybe too overt.
If you don't have sex enough, if you don't have your needs met, naturally your going to leave. He was just being overt with his needs being met. I also think its not healthy to put DV/softness relationship under a microscope.......
they both deserve happiness and what not. I can understand your confusion and using them to try to expound on it, but lets not focus on them.....
Generally, you want to have open and honest communication. DV did so, its pretty obvious he was honest.
Now, how long would it take before your needs not being met before you left a relationship? no sex, no scene/bdsm play, etc.......little to no communication.....
It isn't healthy to put ultimatums in a relationship, but if your brutally honest, you can tell someone something that should be pretty obvious. If I'm in a romantic relationship, I want some sex/romance going on. if its not romantic, and we are just friends, that is not horrible, its better than being enemies, but its still not the best situation to be stuck in a unromantic d/s-less coupling......
I remember making fun of con-jungal rights, but if a woman wants to turn nun-like, a guy should have that as a reason to leave her......and vs versa....
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RE: Be Pleasing, Or Else... - 
Profile
. Seriously, we can only interpret from what we read if we don't have personal, face to face knowledge of those we read about. Most of what I read of Kyra, et al's relationship I envy. I think it sounds blissful on many counts. I just don't happen to agree nor could I live under the agreement they have about how slavery is ended. I know that matters not. I'm not in their relationship. But, we're here to discuss, ask questions, learn more (or at least I am). I meant to cast no aspersions on their relationship specifically. I started out with her specific statements and used them to springboard to my opinion about that type of thing in general. I surely meant no disrespect
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