cloudboy
Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
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Dear Tapestry,
This is a very wise post. I think you are right on target.
Just a couple of general things first.
1. Just because one is married and trying to be discreet doesn't ipso-facto mean he is a "liar." No, he's a man faced with a choice, of a) possibly hurting his wife; b) risking divorce and; c) going covert to satisfy the needs he cannot get from his spouse; d) living in denial.
2. I think giving love to a married person is a very generous thing, because you are giving yourself with no realistic expectation of any return. Also, you are accepting the married persons limitations. This is quite generous.
3. The issue of being found out and creating a scene is solved through discipline and discretion, but its obviously a line you do not want to cross.
Now I would like to comment on what you've written below:
>with some degree of shame and a great degree of regret i must say that yes, once i did.
my advice? don't. ever. no matter how he may say his marriage is bad and she doesn't understand him, etc etc etc
you will always ALWAYS be the one left alone hurting because the person you gave your power to is not there to hold and comfort you
not there to reassure and protect you and where is he? at the end of that beautiful scene, which transported you to heights you didn't know existed? why silly girl, he's with his wife you know, the one who doesn't understand him and the one with whom he has such a rotten marriage.<
This is the way it is. You make an emotional investment in one who is unavailable when you need them. It can really be insanity causing. If you cannot deal with this, which is the real reality of being in an affair, don't do it. You don't want to be like Glen Close, who is alone, resentful, and missing Michael Douglass, only to go by his house, peek in the window, and see him smiling and happy having great, great family time with his wife and child. She's alone, he's doing just great and he's totally inaccessible. It is fucking HELL. But that's the way it is, and you can never change it. Glen Close went on a roaring rampage.
So the whole married question is: can you box your love and needs to fit the immutable limitations of the beloved but married other? IMO, only a very strong, independent, emotionally healthy, and balanced person can love another married person and avoid being institutionalized.
>no, i've learned the hard way
and while it takes time to develop a relationship with a new Dom,
time to get to know if he's trustworthy
or just another one playing with your affections
in the end,
i know i will find that which i seek
and while patience is not my strong suit
it is a lesson best learned now
rather than after another inappropriate encounter<
Yes, you have to learn your limitations.
>let the married Dom's play with the likewise married subs...then they are both on the same page, not wanting or needing the on-going love and affection that i crave.<
You are very astute indeed. And I will say this too, married on married is still HARD.
>i do realize not all subs are alike,
and my need for that human contact may be unique,
but it is a part of who i am at the deepest level
as is my submissiveness
in fact, as i've learned (and continue to learn) i now know that even before i knew what bdsm was, i was submissive
and i know too,
that should i choose not to live the lifestyle
and continue in the vanilla world
i would still be submissive
it's not something i do for fun
it's who i am
for whatever reason
whatever shapes these deepest parts of our psyche
it is what it is
so no, for me, a married Dom is not an option.
maybe for you it would be ok
only you can answer that
tapestry<
The only thing I would say here is this. You are seeking "the total answer." I think its somewhat of a risky proposition to expect to find this in one person. As a hedge against this leaning, I think its important for someone to have as strong a sense of self and as much relationship balance as possible, and to not be too dismissive of "lesser relations" which are not "the total answer."
You may feel a "degree of shame and a great degree of regret" over your affair, but I suggest to you also that you were able to learn about yourself, experience another person, and that you gave of yourself --- and these things to me are not shameful or things you should regret, especially if you caused no one else any harm. I think the film JAPANESE STORY depicted the beautiful qualities an affair can have, and sadly too, it depicted the emotional costs as well. But I don't think the female protagonist of that film had regrets over her involvement, no, I think she had them over the horrible thing that happened.
Anway, I think you have a great lay of the land where this question is concerned.
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RE: Married - 
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