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To Start again? - 6/25/2008 6:57:48 PM

DisenchantedLife

Posts: 193
Status: offline

Hiya all,

I've been thinking about coming back into the lifestyle. Except - i'm scared silly about the idea. Except - it draws me. I am usually able to ignore the draw of it. Yet, sometimes i am not. I have tried to wipe out all, any, submissive qualities with in me. Not very successfully, but thats not the point. Sometimes I feel drawn to my ex, but I always mentally explain to myself that its not "him" but what he represented.

I was in an ugly relationship. Up and down, it was a roller coaster. I was on here before about trying to break free (see previous posts). I'm not going into detail. Basically, it wasn't BDSM - but abuse and alot of other things. Its been about 8 months since I managed to break up with my ex. About 2 months since all of my court battles wrapped up. I'm starting to finally have some light back in my life. Everythings okay. Granted its not completely done and taken care of .... but that is life.

So I am enjoying life to the fullest. Life is great and I am very very blessed. I know I am not ready for a relationship, but I wouldnt mind making some friends and building something for a later point in time. Does that make sense? I don't know if i can handle a serious relationship..... now.... but I would like to maybe meet some men I would like to have one with down the road.

The problem I am having is I am dealthy afraid to end up like I did in my last relationship. I'm frightened of ending up with another sociopath. While I know that working on myself and bettering myself, will attract better men..... you just never know. I don't know how to weed out men that would be good potentials and psycho paths. I look at the personals on the other side and I sit and wonder "is he a psycho or is he sane?"

I know many ppl think that bdsm is not any different than nilla when looking for partners. Yet I disagree.

I'm all over the board here.... i'm hoping some one will understand what I'm getting at and give me some pointers in finding the right direction to take... advice on how to weed out guys i want nothing to do with?

Here's hoping

_____________________________

I'm pretty sure I've turned into a bitter bitch with a huge shovel. One of these days I'm going to exchange the shovel for a hoe

Post #: 1

RE: To Start again? - 6/25/2008 7:10:11 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

There is no lifestyle to enter or leave. There is only you and the choices you make for yourself about what you do and the people you choose to form the relationships you want with.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)

Post #: 2

RE: To Start again? - 6/25/2008 7:22:08 PM

DisenchantedLife

Posts: 193
Status: offline

So I guess the question is - how do I choose well?

_____________________________

I'm pretty sure I've turned into a bitter bitch with a huge shovel. One of these days I'm going to exchange the shovel for a hoe

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 3

RE: To Start again? - 6/25/2008 7:23:18 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

To start, try not doing what you've done in the past- it obviously hasn't been working for you.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)

Post #: 4

RE: To Start again? - 6/25/2008 7:31:15 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

To start, try not doing what you've done in the past- it obviously hasn't been working for you.

Isn't the definition of insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over, and
expecting different results?

There is nothing wrong with taking your time before entering relationships,
good luck!

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 5

RE: To Start again? - 6/25/2008 8:18:55 PM

MrRandallspe

Posts: 110
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline

As a suggestion,,
write down what you deeply desire and want from a relationship, be honest with solid expectations.
Then write down what you do not want in a relationship. Yes, be selective and picky.
Take the time to write up a profile. Write it down on a paper and be sure to include all that you want,desire and expect. Even make sure that you include what you do not want/your hard limits.
True, there will be some that will stay away,some will be assholes and try to make you back off,,,yet stick with it. You will find the right one that will treat you as you want. Whatever you do,,do NOT settle for anything less than what you want. Be safe and protect yourself.
this is your life,,do not let anyone shove you around to make you settle for less.
Talk on CM for a good while,,set up a new email for when you do feel ready to email or IM,,,never let them call you unless you are 10000000% ready. Even use a cheap cell phone until you feel totally sure.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 6

RE: To Start again? - 6/25/2008 8:28:19 PM

WhisperSupremacy

Posts: 74
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DisenchantedLife

Hiya all,

I've been thinking about coming back into the lifestyle. Except - i'm scared silly about the idea. Except - it draws me. I am usually able to ignore the draw of it. Yet, sometimes i am not. I have tried to wipe out all, any, submissive qualities with in me. Not very successfully, but thats not the point. Sometimes I feel drawn to my ex, but I always mentally explain to myself that its not "him" but what he represented.

I was in an ugly relationship. Up and down, it was a roller coaster. I was on here before about trying to break free (see previous posts). I'm not going into detail. Basically, it wasn't BDSM - but abuse and alot of other things. Its been about 8 months since I managed to break up with my ex. About 2 months since all of my court battles wrapped up. I'm starting to finally have some light back in my life. Everythings okay. Granted its not completely done and taken care of .... but that is life.

So I am enjoying life to the fullest. Life is great and I am very very blessed. I know I am not ready for a relationship, but I wouldnt mind making some friends and building something for a later point in time. Does that make sense? I don't know if i can handle a serious relationship..... now.... but I would like to maybe meet some men I would like to have one with down the road.

The problem I am having is I am dealthy afraid to end up like I did in my last relationship. I'm frightened of ending up with another sociopath. While I know that working on myself and bettering myself, will attract better men..... you just never know. I don't know how to weed out men that would be good potentials and psycho paths. I look at the personals on the other side and I sit and wonder "is he a psycho or is he sane?"

I know many ppl think that bdsm is not any different than nilla when looking for partners. Yet I disagree.

I'm all over the board here.... i'm hoping some one will understand what I'm getting at and give me some pointers in finding the right direction to take... advice on how to weed out guys i want nothing to do with?

Here's hoping

Judging from your words and the scenario, I know a girl who has pretty much been in the same boat as you,..... strangely enough, she abandoned her submissive fantasies and turned dom....

.....Not saying that's the answer.... not at all. We're all differnet and we all change as the years go on....

My only advice for you,...if you have the submissive qualities and they don't seem to be going away,.... I don't think it hurts to run with your instincts and return to the lifestyle, just be more cautious with your future master.

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)

Post #: 7

RE: To Start again? - 6/25/2008 9:17:59 PM

d1ll1gaf

Posts: 33
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline

I agree with MrRandallspe on writing down what you "want" and what you "don't want". I would also suggest writing down what you "liked / enjoyed" about previous relationships and what you "disliked / hated" about them. Any thing on both the "want" and "disliked / hated" lists get crossed off of the "want" list. Don't rush these lists, write them multiple times and only keep what consistently appears.

Secondly, take it slow with your next relationship. Be crystal clear about a dom going slow and get out immediate if he exceeds what was previously agreed (this won't last forever and when you find the right dom the relationship can slowly progress to the point where pushing limits is appropriate but at first in your situation it would not be. Regaining your confidence / comfort and establishing trust). Seriously considering utilizing a safe call service (if available in your area) or arraigning a safe call with a reliable friend.

Note: each set of "brackets" is a different list for clarity.

_____________________________

Before you can trust another, you must learn to trust yourself.

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)

Post #: 8

RE: To Start again? - 6/25/2008 9:45:21 PM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

I suggest taking it really slow and finding someone supportive nearby to help you. People in abusive relationships seem to find themselves more frequently in different abusive relationships.

Join a local munch. Find some subbie friends. See real-life examples of what a D/s relationship looks like: it's not always glamorous and sexy, but it never borders upon abuse. Find some true friends who won't abandon you when things get tough and will act as an honest sounding-board for anyone new coming into your life. If you have a friend with good judgement tell you that your new guy is same as the old one: listen to them! Your friends shouldn't have any reason to lie to you, an abusive partner has plenty.

< Message edited by katie978 -- 6/25/2008 9:46:22 PM >

_____________________________

"That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to d1ll1gaf)

Post #: 9

RE: To Start again? - 6/25/2008 10:04:02 PM

chickpea

Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: katie978

I suggest taking it really slow and finding someone supportive nearby to help you. People in abusive relationships seem to find themselves more frequently in different abusive relationships.

Join a local munch. Find some subbie friends. See real-life examples of what a D/s relationship looks like: it's not always glamorous and sexy, but it never borders upon abuse. Find some true friends who won't abandon you when things get tough and will act as an honest sounding-board for anyone new coming into your life. If you have a friend with good judgement tell you that your new guy is same as the old one: listen to them! Your friends shouldn't have any reason to lie to you, an abusive partner has plenty.

Definitely, agree. If you have GOOD friends or family, they'll tell you what's in your best interest, and not in their own selfish interests.

_____________________________

Congrats to both In the end it was win-win. Now let's get to work http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/nov/05/john-mccain-concedes-election http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/11/17/transition.wrap/index.html

(in reply to katie978)

Post #: 10

RE: To Start again? - 6/26/2008 4:40:36 AM

WolfsbaneX

Posts: 20
Joined: 6/22/2008
From: The Twilight Zone, formerly of The Dark Carnival
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

To start, try not doing what you've done in the past- it obviously hasn't been working for you.

Isn't the definition of insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over, and
expecting different results?

There is nothing wrong with taking your time before entering relationships,
good luck!

Shit, in that case I've been insane for over 20 years...

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 11

RE: To Start again? - 6/26/2008 6:51:46 AM

cjan

Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline

What's the hurry ? You sound , to me, in a bit of a rush to "preview" men for a potential relationship. It takes time to heal. Time to get to really know yourself. Time to meet and really get to know people.

You say your life is good now and that you are blessed. That's great. Slow down, live your life and you will find your balance.

LA also gave great advice, imo.

quote:

There is no lifestyle to enter or leave. There is only you and the choices you make for yourself about what you do and the people you choose to form the relationships you want with.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti

(in reply to WolfsbaneX)

Post #: 12

RE: To Start again? - 6/26/2008 8:13:17 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

I've been thinking about coming back into the lifestyle. Except - i'm scared silly about the idea. Except - it draws me. I am usually able to ignore the draw of it. Yet, sometimes i am not. I have tried to wipe out all, any, submissive qualities with in me. Not very successfully, but thats not the point.

DL,
I'd say that is exactly the point. You're not coming back into the lifestyle; if what you represent here is accurate you are coming back into being you. What's the alternative? Acting through life as other people would have you be isn't fulfilling and is too much like work.

Why worry about choosing well? Guaranteed you won't sometimes, plan on it. It isn't even your fault. You'll make a choice based upon how the other person has represented themselves and, guess what; it turns out that they were not what they represented. You can't keep that from happening, but you can not be so quick with giving trust; avoiding the opposite end of the spectrum of not having the ability to trust at all. When it comes to trust let people earn it, don't give it.

Ups, downs, failure; they are all part of life. If you lose something important you keep looking until you find it or it no longer becomes important. Failure is what you experience until you succeed. Along the way you may find some other things that you forgot you had or make you smile; and you'll enjoy those too. If this lifestyle speaks to your core and is a part of you, being happy while not trying to succeed isn't possible.

There is something worse than failure - not trying, not being true to yourself.

Good luck!

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)

Post #: 13

RE: To Start again? - 6/26/2008 5:31:06 PM

DisenchantedLife

Posts: 193
Status: offline

Thank you Merc and beth. Reading your post the "don't trust to easily" really jumps out at me. I have been told countless times I do that way too often. I will remember this, as well as not to go over board on the opposite side. Yes and earn trust.

Yes, I do worry that they will not be what they represented and I will be back to square one. Not sure how to "see through" all of that. How do you know if they are not what they represent? I always thought I knew, but obviously I didnt.

I have learned many lessons from my last relationship and I am in no fear of doing what I did to end up there. I also know what i want. How to get what i want is another story. That is my question.

I also have a good support network. Many friends outside of all of this and many inside of it. I just don't have the time to go to any clubs/munches at this time. Part of one of the reasons I think I should start some where soon, I guess. The days pass me by so quickly and before I know it a month is gone. I currently have no time or energy for anyone extra in my life, at the end of the day I am exshausted, but I will eventually have the time. When I do have the time, I would like to have a starting place. At the very least, some where mentally to start.

I think you all have slightly given me a starting place. It is probably as simple as finding some one I am interested in, seeing where things go and than check with friends and family. Seems a bit lame - but better lame than in a bad spot.

_____________________________

I'm pretty sure I've turned into a bitter bitch with a huge shovel. One of these days I'm going to exchange the shovel for a hoe

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 14

RE: To Start again? - 6/26/2008 10:04:21 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

It's difficult to get back out there and trust yourself. It isn't just in trusting others that we have a problem after we have been in an abusive relationship. The many things you are thinking about are part of a process of reclaiming yourself if you will. Trusting yourself is major in feeling comfortable and because you may feel that you didn't see or pay attention to things that might have been red flags, you will often wonder if your BS or red flag detector is faulty.

I see everything good in examining yourself and thinking about what you are doing as long as you don't over-do it and most will after a relationship like this. Time does heal, but we have to do the emotional homework and it seems you are trying to do that. I think that when we have an interest in bdsm and were in an abusive relationship, that it might be cool if there were others that had similar situations, could get together and talk about things and how they came through it all. Knowing that you are not the only one helps and even though we might 'know' we aren't the only one, when it's late at night and you are going over everything... you feel like the only one sometimes.

Find things that are empowering to you and build your strengths.

Just give it all time. You will find your balance and in it, strength. It sounds like you are trying to go the right path. Just hang in there! Good luck!

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)

Post #: 15

RE: To Start again? - 6/26/2008 10:15:49 PM

SurrenderForMe

Posts: 229
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

Take baby steps. You got hurt, not by kink, but by a loser. But the criss cross seems to have been established for you in that you associate abuse with bdsm. They are similar, but not the same. Bdsm has a common goal of fulfilling needs. Even someone who submits to pain in spite of not enjoying it, but gets satisfaction from providing pleasure to their partner is fulfilling both needs. Abuse satisfys only one.

You are afraid of a repeat. Take your time. Maybe go to munches and get to know people in a group setting. If you hook up with someone you like, ask them to introduce you to others in the group and see what others say about this person ( not a perfect plan because I have found that in the scene, people follow the party line about not getting involved and will let losers hurt one person after the other without letting the unwary know). My suggestion for this is really take time to get to know not just the person you are interested in, but their associates. How do they act, how do they treat each other and you.

In the end though, not being facetious or meaning to be harsh, go out and satisfy your needs. Unless you have a track record for abusive relationships, you have the same chance as anyone else has to meet a decent human being to interact with. If you have a track record of abusive relationships, get help and training on how to avoid it from professionals.

Good luck.

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)

Post #: 16

RE: To Start again? - 6/26/2008 10:36:58 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

DisenchantedLife, any woman (or man) who manages to extricate herself from an abusive relationship needs time and possibly professional help to fully recover as quickly as possible.

Because of past experience, I know something about this.

* There's a feeling of injustice -- and rightly so -- when the DA never brings charges against the abuser for the crimes he committed against you.

* There's a powerful need to understand why, and because of the mind-f**k an abuser commits against his partner, a strong tendency to engage in 'magical thinking'. 'It happened to me because I was weak' is pretty common. It takes time for the world to tilt on its proper axis again; to get all the remants of the mind-f**k out of your head, and place thee blame where it belongs -- on him.

* I don't know you, but I'd bet the rent money you did nothing to 'cause' this or to 'attract a psycho'; you were merely in the wrong place at the wrong time, and possibly poorly-informed about the early warning signs of an abusive relationship. It's like being rear-ended while stopped at a red light; definately not your fault.

* Any woman -- or man -- can become entangled in an abusive relationship. No one is bullet proof. Abusers are the best manipulators I've ever encountered. They have to be -- what they need is a partner to batter -- so the 'normal' ways of relating just won't cut it. If you had been kidnapped, would you blame yourself? No. Well then don't blame yourself for merely meeting such a man.

* I don't know whether I agree that the percent of abusive men is higher in the D/s world than in the 'vanilla' world. However, I do think there's a common misconception, especially among abusive men, that s-types are weak and malleable and easily controlled; lambs to the slaughter, if you will. This is utter bullsh*t; an s-type is just as likely as any woman (or man) to be healthy, self-protective and knowledgable.

* Once the past is fully behind you, leave it there. Go on with your life. Seek your joy. Yes, you were diverted from your path briefly, but now you're back on it.

* Remember -- you did recognise abuse and you did get out. The one thing you can take with you into future relationships is that you've been tested and came out with flying colors. You might have been a victim once upon a time, but you are not a volunteer. You need have no more fear of Doms than you would of any man.

I wish you much joy and peace.

candystripper

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)

Post #: 17

RE: To Start again? - 6/27/2008 8:47:37 AM

DisenchantedLife

Posts: 193
Status: offline

Thanks

_____________________________

I'm pretty sure I've turned into a bitter bitch with a huge shovel. One of these days I'm going to exchange the shovel for a hoe

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 18

RE: To Start again? - 6/27/2008 11:54:41 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

If you've ever been to a therapist, I will tell you that when you aren't in his / her office, be your own therapist. Ask yourself if this feels right / good / bad, etc. If you've never been to a therapist, be your own best friend. Keep asking yourself if the people you're hanging out with are bettering your life or making it worse, and (most importantly) give yourself honest answers.. It can be difficult at first, but with some effort it gets to be second nature. Good luck.

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)

Post #: 19

RE: To Start again? - 6/27/2008 1:43:58 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

I don't see any sort of 'lifestyle' to come back into. There's just you, and the choice of whether to live in conflict with yourself or in harmony.

I have similar issues, trust issues. I've just got through three or four years of the most difficult time of my life and this has caused me to examine deeply what life and other people really mean to me. I spent my 40th birthday in a box room in a hostel for the homeless. No cards, no presents, no celebrations. My only present was to myself, and that was a decision to change the way I live, not to trust people so easily, to do things differently.

I live for here and now, as myself, openly, honestly, take it or leave it. I live for here and now, today, I appreciate the kind words and smiles from others, but I focus more on their actions. I never get myself into a situation I cannot get out of, my submissive needs lire unfulfilled and will remain to do so until I am sure I am with the right person at the right time in the right place. Therefore BDSM isn't about submission and domination for me, about control, it's simply about people and getting to know them.

Far better to wait a while longer and submit being completely relaxed in an environment with someone you know and trust than in an environment when you're not sure, have doubts or risking more than you should.

_____________________________

CM's Resident Lyricist
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(in reply to DisenchantedLife)

Post #: 20

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