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It's great that you both have opened up to each other in the way you have. Communication like that is essential to a good relationship, in my opinion.

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Does it bother him that sex is boring?

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"boring". But then later on that night he wanted to have sex with me so....I was beginning to ask myself if it was just a physical release to him or if being with me truly was special and just wasn't as spicy as he would like it to be.

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It sounds like this is already starting erosion to your confidence

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ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

LadyCompassion,

First of all I would like to welcome you to the boards and the collarme site. I believe you have found the best place to find support and education. Please keep coming to these forums to read, learn and participate.
With reference to your situation, I cannot describe the depth of distress I feel. I have heard this story all too often. I do see that you are young and so I will make the assumption that your fiance is also of a tender age.
How to be Dominant! It is so easy for Me, yet is is not something that is easy to describe. It is who I am. But I will do My best.
The fact that your SO is saying that he needs to be dominated, and doesn't care about the sexual aspects of it, might actually be a good thing, if you can learn to take the reins. As a FemDom, you are absolutely in charge, always and in everything. This comes so naturally to Me, that I have some difficulty in relating to a Lady who has a hard time with it.
So My first suggestion is to take it out of the bedroom. You do not do anything unless you are so inclined. Who is cleaning, cooking, grocery shoppping, doing the laundry, running various errands? Who is washing and detailing your car, running your bath, cleaning your toilet, giving you a massage or a foot bath, brushing your hair?
I see you are identifying as a switch. And you also state in the OP that you do not really consider yourself dominant.
Remember that being Dominant does not mean that you have to be barking orders all the time. You simply take what you need for your personal comfort and relaxation without any guilt. This is why it is important to find the balance for what you would want, if you could have it, and what your boy is willing to give, if he can give it. You can find the balance, unless you are so shy about taking anything, that is difficult for you to command or demand services without feeling guilt. I have determined, through years of experience, that guilt or a feeling of being unfair is what makes it so hard for those ladies who have partners who want to be dominated.
This is the part I don't understand:

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so last night he told me that sex was boring. All sex, no matter who it would be with, is boring for him and he doesnt care about it. That totally shocked me. I felt like I was doing everything wrong. And then he told he he would like to get with another couple so that
she could dominate him....He said he did not see me as a dom and he could not dominate me either. He said he did not see me that way. Which is ok becaue I am not that way really.

He told me that a woman dominating him is not at all about sex for him. It is a way to escape for him. I found that hard to grasp but I guess I can understand. He said he would be satisfied if a woman dominated him without having any kind of sexual contact at all.

Why would he share that he wants to get together with another couple so she could dominante him? Anytime others are brought into the mix, it is generally sexual to some extent, and/or a training exercise (training by example). If it is a training exercise, then you should also be present. In addition, he states he does not want to discuss it anymore, and that he will just suppress his feelings. Well, if he is seeking another couple to spend time with, he is not suppressing his feelings at all. He is using his boredom and his "poor me" whining, to get what he wants anyway. It doesn't sound like he wants to helpo you learn. It sounds more like he is figuring out a way to have his cake and eat it too, but dropping some hints and sighing in despair about his lack of satisfaction. I agree that this was a selfish and mean-spirited statemnt to make. It is so typical of the way a boy tries to manipulate to get what he wants. It really isn't about you at all. It is about him.
Don't discuss it with him, if that is his choice. Just start taking action. You can begin with small things, such as comanding that dinner be ready, and that he does the dishes. Have him draw your bath, or brush your hair. Send him on an errand. And then whisper to him how pleased you are that he is so thoughtful and made that hour easier for you. Do not do anything for him. He might change his mind when he realizes that he is getting exactly what he asked for.
I won't tell you what I would do with him, if he were My property. Suffice it to say it would not be pretty.
At the end of the day, only you can decide if you can take without guilt. Really, that is what a D/s or M/s relationship comes down to. There is a giver and a taker. What the Dominant takes, the submissve/slave has to be willing to give. The submissive/slave is receiving his satisfaction from the giving. You will need to decide if you can do this, even if it is a little bit at a time.
Good luck, and please feel free to email Me on the other side, if you wish.

This is so wonderfully complete, I can't think of anything to add at all!!!!!

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

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But some thoughts i am having is that he is very selfish and by saying "we would never talk about it again and he would suppress the feelings and he would pretend that he was "normal", he is trying to manipulate You.

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ORIGINAL: LadyCompassion

I guess my long and drawn out question is this: What on earth should I do? Do I respect his request to forget that he is submissive and try and act vanilla with him, or do I try and discuss it again? I just want him to be satisfied...

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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

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ORIGINAL: LadyCompassion

I guess my long and drawn out question is this: What on earth should I do? Do I respect his request to forget that he is submissive and try and act vanilla with him, or do I try and discuss it again? I just want him to be satisfied...

I have a question for you: How are you satisfied by all of this?

I read your entire post and it really seems all about him.

This isn't a dominant or submissive question I'm asking in return. This is a human question, a question about taking care of yourself.

Are you taking care of yourself? I think that answer will tell you what you need to do.

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ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

At the end of the day, only you can decide if you can take without guilt. Really, that is what a D/s or M/s relationship comes down to. There is a giver and a taker. What the Dominant takes, the submissve/slave has to be willing to give. The submissive/slave is receiving his satisfaction from the giving.

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ORIGINAL: LadyCompassion

Let me first thank you all just for reading this emotional dump of mine. I would also like to tell you that I respect all of you for being open and up front with who you are and not hiding yourselves.

Let me clarify who I am. I am engaged to a man who can dominate but is really a sub at heart. We have been together two and a half years and he introduced me to this type of lifestyle. I had no idea that it even existed before I met him. He did not tell me how he was up front but rather hid it from me for a year and a half until I was extremely attached to him and I guess he felt comfortable that I would not leave him for it.

So I tried my best to learn how to be a Mistress for him and I read and studied and researched all the best techniques and I spoke to people and they taught me a lot of things and I worked very hard to learn to please him. These are not things that I normally desire. Overall I would say that I am quite vanilla with a few kinks about me such as my love of bondage and pain...I am in no way a dominant woman or a submissive woman. I wanted to learn out of love for him.

so last night he told me that sex was boring. All sex, no matter who it would be with, is boring for him and he doesnt care about it. That totally shocked me. I felt like I was doing everything wrong. And then he told he he would like to get with another couple so that
she could dominate him....He said he did not see me as a dom and he could not dominate me either. He said he did not see me that way. Which is ok becaue I am not that way really.

He told me that a woman dominating him is not at all about sex for him. It is a way to escape for him. I found that hard to grasp but I guess I can understand. He said he would be satisfied if a woman dominated him without having any kind of sexual contact at all.

This was the first time ever ever ever that he opened himself up to me and finally admitted things that he wanted. And then he stopped. He said we would never talk about it again and he would suppress the feelings and he would pretend that he was "normal" I told him to please not do that because it was not fair to him or to me because I am not satisfied either.

I guess my long and drawn out question is this: What on earth should I do? Do I respect his request to forget that he is submissive and try and act vanilla with him, or do I try and discuss it again? I just want him to be satisfied...

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"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.

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What about your pleasure? What about making sex exciting for you? There are two people involved here. The first thing about being a "domina" is about owning your own pleasure and making him accountable. Empowering yourself in bed and in sensual matters is a first step to building confidence.

You have to also find out if he *can* submit to you, or if he just doesn't see you as his kinky partner because he can't get past that in his OWN head and that's why he is looking elsewhere and wanting to involve other people.

Communication is key, and he's just dumped a huge load on you, made you feel responsible to some degree then not giving you any opportunity to address it. He's manipulating you.

If he wants to make it work, he has to talk to you as a partner and a lover, not as part of a game, or part of any kind of passive aggressive trick. Honesty up front -- find out where you stand, and then make some choices.

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ORIGINAL: LadyCompassion

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I do agree with you that he has dumped a lot on me all at once. He kept it all so deep I had no idea of some of these things until that night. And I did feel like it was my fault.

I wish I had read this thread before finding your post about collaring ceremonies. You are a L~O~N~G way from pondering a collaring ceremony IMO. You first need to figure out if your fiancé and you are truly complementary partners, let alone married partners, let alone married and collared partners.

Let me pose a question for you to ask yourself: Why is being engaged at the age of 19 important to you? As the years progress, you will discover that you grow and change, and that the person you are at 19 can often end up being significantly different from who you'll become by the time you're 29.... 39.... 49.... 59.

By the same token, why did your boyfriend decide he wanted to be your fiancé?

There are plenty of beginner domme articles I could refer you to, but before dusting off any "how to dominate" aspects of a relationship, you need to figure out if you're in a compatible/complementary relationship, and if that relationship is transient or has truly allowed you to meet the man of your dreams.

Without a whole lot more info from your fiancé, I wouldn't attempt to second-guess what he's trying to accomplish or why he's attempting to bulldoze you and then back off, leaving you feeling lost and guilty. His tactics are manipulative and signs of extreme immaturity. Trying to work your way through and around them will be a major challenge.

Dr. Phil would tell you that men are not great communicators by nature and that he had to be taught by Robin (Mrs. Phil) how to communicate in their marriage. Even so, dumping a boatload of baggage on you and then refusing to talk is unacceptable. If he's unwilling to talk now, imagine how he'll contend with problems/dilemmas in the future. Aside from relationship dynamics, life can toss some whopper unpredictable curve balls at you that will require intense scrutiny and discussion. (Just because you agree to dominate someone does not exempt him from being open with you! If anything, it obligates him to be an open book.)

No matter how you end up structuring your relationship, honesty is critical and mandatory. Without truthfulness, it's impossible to cultivate the cornerstone of a meaningful alliance: communication.

My advice: Ask him to make a series of open-ended talking dates with you (e.g., every Sunday afternoon from noon to 2:00 PM). During those dates, he must be ready, willing and able to disclose whatever it is that's swirling around his libidinal desires. To facilitate his disclosures, come armed with questionnaires about his deepest libidinal desires. The web is crawling with an array of examples -- both multiple choice and essay. Generally, they're labeled as play lists and negotiation forms/questionnaires. Stitch them together into patchwork quilts of screening devices that suit your fancy. The first couple of dates can consist of him filling out the questionnaires, or he could fill them out during the week, give them to you for your review, and you can use them to craft discussion/clarification topics.

You need to get to the bottom of what he's actually experienced (or is what he's seeking based strictly on porn and his fantasies?), what his fantasies are, how he visualizes his ideal relationship, why he thinks bringing in another couple will solve your situation.

While talking, no matter what he says, you'll need to keep your cool and remain nonjudgmental. Keep in mind how Kinsey managed to get people to open up about their sexual indulgences in an era when discussing such topics was deemed unconscionable. His questions were posed with the assumption that the person had already done whatever the act was. In other words, he would never ask, "Do you fantasize about…..?" Instead, he would ask, "When did you first fantasize about….? How often do you….?"

One key dynamic that you need to fish out is whether your fiancé is truly submissive or one of the infamous needy, greedy bottoms who so frequently cause dom/mes to bang their heads against a wall. For example, I know of a married couple where they traveled a very similar path to yours. The husband pulled off a "vanilla conversion" in the bedroom. It turned out that he was actually a pain slut and after several years, the wife got fed up with feeling like she was nothing more than the power end of torture implements. She ended up feeling like their sex life was abnormal because she was an object, not his lover. Need I tell you she bailed and they're divorced now?

How old is your fiancé? The "sex is boring" claim is critical to pick apart. Does he view sex/physical intimacy as a manifestation of emotional intimacy and he can’t allow himself to be that vulnerable? Has he had his hormone levels tested? It's possible he’s running "a quart low" (so to speak) and needs medical intervention to spark his interest. OTOH, is the "boring" claim a cover-up for desires that he can't bring himself to say aloud? In view of his desire to bring in another couple, explore gender identification and orientation issues.

Depending on just how much he’s got bottled up that he's afraid to reveal, it's conceivable that it may take weeks -- even months -- to progressively open him up, and why he wants/needs whatever he's seeking. Meanwhile, look inside yourself and figure out what you truly want, need and desire. Then, ask yourself if your wants/needs/desires are complementary with his.

No two people are 100% complementary, but you need sufficient overlap to cultivate a happy, emotionally healthy rapport. At the end of the day, no matter what else occurs beyond the boundaries of your home (or apartment), you know that when you return home, you are in your shelter of bliss, where you feel important, cherished and valued by your partner -- and vice versa.

If you decide that it's worthwhile to continue this relationship, and you agree to be his dominant, then IMO he should be expected to formally apply for the honor, joy and privilege of being the servant of your heart and why he feels you should accept him in that capacity. If in your shoes, I would assemble a detailed form for him to fill out; you can either go the whole nine yards and make him answer questions as if he's a total stranger applying (that would depend on whether you feel he's been withholding info that a more formalized questionnaire might reveal) or if you only want to have him address matters that apply to your relationship and future. Ideally, he should be able to craft a freeform petition to serve you; if he needs prompts, you could request that he describe matters like:

* Why, of all the women in the entire universe, he's selected you to be his partner and dominant, and what his serving talents are. (This is not to turn into a roster of wanker wishes; rather, if he's sincere, he'll describe in detail how he wants to make your life easier/happier and how that would make him feel. In other words, it's about what he wants to do for you, not himself, because that's what brings his feelings of fulfillment.) Beware of disingenuous answers that he picked up from trolling the web. I've discovered that some guys think nothing of plagiarizing material directly from dominant women's profiles and advice columns, and stating it as if that's what they want for themselves, simply because it erects an attractive facade.

* Specific fetishes, kinky activities, sexual activities that he feels are essential for him to remain in service (e.g., his minimum daily requirement... like taking his kinky vitamins) vs. those which he defines as hard limits. (This would be an abstraction – described independently of what he wrote on the negotiation forms. If he attempts to answer by saying he already described all that on the negotiation form ... WRONG ANSWER!)

* Since he's currently withholding secrets, he needs to let you know if he has any facets of his life that have a potential negative effect on his ability to serve and fully give himself to you.

* Give him free reign to describe any other aspects of his life that you need to know as his potential dominant.

If he balks about investing that effort to petition you, if he’s unable to convince you he's sincere, then you need to decide if you want to remain partnered to him.

Hope that helps you think through these weighty matters. I realize this is a lot to plow through. Feel free to toss out questions.

~ Ti ~

(in reply to LadyCompassion)