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Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 12:35:40 AM   
saraUK


Posts: 50
Status: offline 		Hubby and I got in touch with a couple from another site.  Although their emails were relatively short, they said they had pics to send, so in good faith we sent ours.  They sent one pic of the lady which didn't show her face and to be honest we were rather unsure if this 'lady' was actually female.  We asked for more although none were forthcoming.  We told them (politely) that unless we could be sure of who we were meeting, then we would rather lay off the arranged meet until we could varify who we were meeting.    No response, so I asked a friend if he knew of them.  He said he'd played with them before.  She was definately female and he was rather pushy.  Ok we thought, lets meet them, so we did and they turned out to be a very nice couple.  We couldn't talk 'shop' as we were in a pub, but in the vanilla sense they were fine.

A few days later, after them telling my partner on the phone that they would like to play with us, we messaged them about meeting up again somewhere a little more private to discuss limits, boundries & any health concerns anyone may have.  Another phone call from him saying they didn't want all that, they just wanted to play and were waiting for us to arrange a date.

Not wanting to be rude to them, I wrote another mail explaining that we only play to SS&C and if there was to be no meeting to discuss limits, then I for one, with my own health concerns, was not willing to play under those conditions.  However, I offered them several dates that week and the following week and also somewhere private to meet to discuss the said limits etc.  Since then nothing.

Am I being too fussy?  I have certain health concerns that I would have liked to explain so that they (the male especially since I would be playing with him) would be aware of.  Is it normal practice just to say at the start of the session "Oh I have Asthma, bad back, and panic attacks" (that's not my list, just some usual conditions I've put here for the purpose of illustration) and leave it at that?  There are certain things I can't do, and a few things I have phobias about.  I'd rather not spoil play by having to stop at every turn to explain, hence why I would like to get that out of the way up front.

What rattles me even more is that there is another thread on the site saying what a wonderful couple they are (from a single guy they have played with).  I agree they were nice when we met them in person, I just can't understand this guy's rush to play without wanting to know limits and boundries.  It just seems plain dangerous to me.  My friend who told me he was a pushy character, confirmed this by saying how he had made demands of another lady whom my friend had in his home, and how she'd slapped his face for being so rude to her.

Are we the ones missing out for being so particular about limits, boundries & health concerns, or are they the ones who are acting the fool and ruining their chances by not wanting to have a second meet prior to play?

Your opinions in who's ever favour are all welcome.

Many thanks
sara
xx

< Message edited by saraUK -- 6/27/2008 12:38:21 AM >
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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 3:01:01 AM   
mefisto69


Posts: 370
Joined: 1/19/2007
Status: offline 		you may well miss out on some hot play time but you also save yourself from serious regrets if you stick to your guns and wait until they are willing to have this discussion with you prior to meeting.

(in reply to saraUK)
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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 3:09:26 AM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: saraUK
Are we the ones missing out for being so particular about limits, boundries & health concerns, or are they the ones who are acting the fool and ruining their chances by not wanting to have a second meet prior to play?


I don't think that 'missing out' or 'ruining their chances' are accurate ways to describe the situation. You have your way of proceeding and they have theirs. By your own account they seem to be able to find people to play with - just not you. You have certain criteria that must be met before you will play and that is ok, too. Just chalk it up to differences in standard operating procedure and move on.

There is no 'normal practice' nor is there always one right way to do things. Frankly it sounds like you are trying to decide which couple is at fault here and I think that's the wrong way to look at it.




< Message edited by Evility -- 6/27/2008 3:10:19 AM >

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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 3:11:55 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		Every single person i have played with from this site has been more than willing to meet for coffee or meet for an introductory getting to know you type conversation. (And they number in the millions....hehe...alright....all 2 of them).
It is completely unacceptable for myself, coming in as a single woman, to a situation where i can easily be overpowered and harmed.
Sometimes i find, with couples, a misguided sense of security in numbers.
Depending on the situation, one or both of you could be restrained....and then what happens when the strangers who have refused to get to know you as humans....has allllll the power?
Not ok with this girl. Indicitive of a lack of concern for your safety.

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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 3:35:41 AM   
MasterHermes


Posts: 136
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline 		Other people who gave them good credit probably didn't have any health concerns & problems and their experience turned out to be satisfactory for them. Lucky they are. It doesn't mean your personal situation should be dismissed. DO NOT engage into any activity with a stranger without discussing it beforehand if you have health conditions he needs to be aware of. This has got nothing to do with BDSM. Even if he was going to be your rafting partner or climbing partner or diving partner same would apply. The person who doesn't listen to you before hand will not be able to take right steps if anything goes wrong.

Be Safe
Hermes

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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 4:21:28 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		this is a cute tee shirt that basically is a formula of safety based on the premise that scene safety is a wide spectrum.

there is the jay wiseman side of the equation, jay is known for being very safe, extra cautious, in fact the joke in the scene is that to play with him means signing legal forms in triplicate a head of time. And the there is Phillip the foole, Phillip is known for his style of negotiation : "wanna do some stuff?"

Where you fit on the spectrum is up to you, each person has to decide what is right for them, I myself have been all over the map safety wise in the last 20 years, and have it fairly dialed in at this point...

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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 4:35:37 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		sara, IMO it really doesn't matter whether this couple is absolutely fabulous (Gawd that show was funny) or not.  Who cares?  Why would you deviate from the protocol you chose, after reflection and discussion, to protect you physically, emotionally and elsewise?  It doesn't matter if this couple is the King and Queen, for Gawd's sake; they could still give you herpes or crabs or some other dread disease.
 
If they aren't willing to listen to your concerns and exchange information, why would you consider violating your protocols and enter into play with them?  Do you think you'll have any fun, with all the anxiety and worry this will cause?
 
Okay, so some other member claims he met them and had a great time.  Assuming that's true, what difference does it make?  (And by the way, that's one hell of an assumption.)
 
Play isn't some mystical, life-altering experience you should risk it all to have -- it's just play.  Good, great, bad, whatever, it's still just play.
 
Frankly I wouldn't want know these people in any sense...they appear to be inconsiderate and risky.  Not quite what I'm looking for in a friend.
 
candystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 6/27/2008 4:37:27 AM >

(in reply to saraUK)
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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 5:18:35 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		sara, stick to your guns. While there is doubtless a continuum of styles, you are at the safer end with good reason to be there. Stay there! I am sure you will find other play partners who better fit your style. And no doubt they will find the risk-takers!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 5:39:03 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Better safe than sorry, especially if you have health concerns.  I have a hard time trusting anyone that pushes to play too fast and isn't willing to discuss things. 



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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 5:46:23 AM   
cuffncollar


Posts: 73
Joined: 1/21/2008
Status: offline 		Sara, it's there loss.......move on!

(in reply to mefisto69)
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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 5:48:52 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		You go at the pace YOU are comfortable with.... if someone needs to go at a different pace... they are just not compatable.

Going against your gut instinct is usualy a bad idea! Stick to your guns, it is likely to lead to less unfortunate experiences than making compromises.


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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 7:59:16 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You aren't understanding him and he isn't understanding you.  You've both laid out how you work and what you need- and they don't fit together.  That doesn't mean either of you is less of a great partner or player, it just means you have different styles and needs.

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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 7:59:56 AM   
brat4fun


Posts: 47
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline 		I have to echo what's been said so much here.  If it's not something that you're comfortable with, don't go there.  Everybody has different styles when it comes to approaching play, but health and safety concerns, as well as just plain old limits, should be respected.

If this couple is not willing to respect your limits now, what makes you think they'll respect your limits in a scene?

Anne

(in reply to RavenMuse)
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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 8:07:01 AM   
puppen


Posts: 1550
Joined: 6/25/2006
Status: offline 		Hell no.

Your comfort is what is important. Both parties need to compromise, and, honestly, it doesn't seem like they want to do much of it.

I'd cut that tie and go find a more compatible couple. Their loss.

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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 8:08:37 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puppen
Your comfort is what is important. Both parties need to compromise, and, honestly, it doesn't seem like they want to do much of it.

Why should anyone need to compromise?

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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 8:15:20 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: saraUK

Are we the ones missing out for being so particular about limits, boundries & health concerns, or are they the ones who are acting the fool and ruining their chances by not wanting to have a second meet prior to play?



I dont care how many people swear up down and sideways someone is OK, if they arent wiling to take the time to meet with me before we play then I will not do it. What do they have to lose by gving up an extra hour of their lives to put their potential pla partners minds at ease?  I might be a bit cynical, but I always suspect something is amiss when someone doesnt want to talk about what to expect or what limits there are but only wants playtime. It can be dangerous to jup in, especially if you have health concerns. Some submissives throw caution to the wind in "sub frenzy" (lots of threads about that) and ignore the flags. Refusing to meet first is a huge flag, in my opinion.
And it is no loss to you, honestly. If they arent willing to take your comfort into consideration before playtime, do you really want to wait and see if they will honor your limits later? That doesnt instill me with confidence that they will stick to any arrangements made, even if they are made 15 minutes before playtime. Just becasue everyone else tells you they are good people doesnt mean they are good for you, after all.

DV


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VampiresLair

(in reply to saraUK)
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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 8:20:58 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Yeah, it sounds like you don't have any connection other than the fact that you are all interested in playing.
Personally, I couldn't play with someone I don't have a connection with. Other people don't have that issue at all.
Sounds to me that you are more like me, and they are more the other way.
Those two things just don't mix.
And neither should you.

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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 9:32:30 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I sara UK
just can't understand this guy's rush to play without wanting to know limits and boundries. It just seems plain dangerous to me.
quote:

ORIGINAL: saraUK


When I was a W/we, we played with a couple where he was the dominant: a sadistic top with a no ;imits slave. he was pushy, pushy. pushy by phone/ We played and I was very very careful to maintain my limits with him and insist on safe sex.
he conyinued to be pushy by phone and made very many attempts to convince me to play as a single emale with them he also made  very comments upon my non availability and really seemed to be under the misinterpretation that because i had freed myself and was now a single that he in some way owned me and could dictate to me about his needs. He didn't want 'fuss' just to get on with it he said.
i simple stopped responding to his calls entirely.
Perhaps he had become confused because my yhen Master allwed me to organise scenes but I think actually he was hiding an arrogance behind his confusion.
Safe, sane and absolutely consensual at all times is my credo.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 6/27/2008 9:33:54 AM >

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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 9:41:20 AM   
saraUK


Posts: 50
Status: offline 		Many thanks to all who have responded.  I really appreciate everyone's views.  I was half thinking about contacting them and once again asking if they wanted to meet up to discuss limits before play, but I think I'll just leave it now.  The more I think about it, the less I like the idea of playing with someone who's first second and last interest is himself.

Thanks again everyone.

sara

xx

(in reply to Prinsexx)
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RE: Your opinions please - first meetings... - 6/27/2008 9:50:16 AM   
GilBlas


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/26/2008
Status: offline 		Boundaries are useful only if they come early. All salesmen know about the foot on the door technique -- to get someone to do something he/she does not want to do, one has to start with a small thing easy to say "yes" to. A"yes" leads easily to another.. Strange rationale are produced to "cost justify" what has been so far as being useful ("since we have been going that far, why not a little further, it's just another small step). The more we go on the more difficult it becomes to write off what we have been doing,  to recognize it  as a loss and move on. So we go on and lose control. A casino player cannot stop because the day he stops he must acknowledge the loss ..

< Message edited by GilBlas -- 6/27/2008 9:52:42 AM >

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