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Don't know where to begin (Advice?) - 11/7/2005 12:54:56 AM

MDarker

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Joined: 10/28/2005
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Hi, first post...

I debated putting this in the Introduction forum, because people often introduce themselves there and speak about themselves there, which is part of what I'll be doing, but those topics are usually just friendly chats with no real deep discussion.

In addition to my first post on this forum, this is my first attempt to seriously discuss my sexuality (is that the proper way to refer to any and all kinds of fetishism that may apply to me?) with others. And maybe with myself. I haven't done anything sexual with anyone else in real life. I've pretty much just been browsing erotica on the internet for several years. However, I haven't really had the opportunity, since only (relatively) recently did I reach the legal age of consent.

Oh, right, I'm male--I probably should have mentioned that. Just to help provide context for the person that I am, so people can try to perceive me and better communicate with me. I'm straight, male, caucasian, RCOEI personality type ( http://cityculture.org/global5/rcoei.html ), coming from a well-off middle-class family, professional student. That's context enough, I'd guess.

You're probably wondering what the point of this post is... believe it or not, there is a purpose to all this! (I'm not just going on about myself for no reason.) As I said, while I have years of experience familiarizing myself with many of the concepts surrouding sexual fetishism e.g. BDSM and D/s via the internet, I have no real experience with these things beyond masturbation. And...

...I'm not really sure what my exact fetish preferences are, though I definitely believe I have some, and I'm most sure about a bondage fetish... my first achievement of orgasm through masturbation was through friction, with most of my movement restrained, because I had felt (and still do feel) an affinity with that sensation (I had had many sessions where I would restrain myself through makeshift devices, but I had not achieved orgasm before). I'll also mention that this was completely without guile; right after, or maybe upon, orgasm, I realized, "Oh, this is masturbation"--until that moment my orgasms had only been from (what had seemed to be) lesser "wet dreams". This was before I started surfing the net for erotica, and I didn't have anything in my mind as I masturbated this way, except the friction on my penis and the feeling of restraint.

Now, another thing... for many years after I first discovered sexuality (in general, biologically speaking, not philosphically speaking) nudity didn't do anything for me. And for the most part, it still doesn't. Same with all kinds of sex. When I was first discovering all this, I tried looking at porn sites, but all that hardcore actions just seemed obscenely overdone and unattractive, and I discovered that I enjoyed browsing a catalogue for women's lingeries (as worn on models). Soon after I happened upon a web site for a professional dominatrix, and what struck me (erotically) was the dominatrix's uniform. For a while I was confused, because I was turned on by that outfit but I didn't feel particularly submissive and couldn't see myself getting into role-playing, but now I realize that I have a clothing fetish and just found that outfit (and the theme of men in bondage, as well) exciting. (On a side note, I think I found dominatrix outfits more appealing because, at least from what I perceived, female submission tended to associate itself with the sex act--specifically the physical rape of these women--which didn't, and still doesn't, arouse me, as well as associating itself with full nudity of the women, for which the same is true.)

I'm surprised I remember this all so clearly, actually...

Anyway, fast forward beyond all that. Nowadays, the erotica I enjoy has a focus on bondage, all kinds of clothing fetish, and to a lesser degree D/s (and the EMCSA!); I think I have an idea the kinds of things I am "into". And as a student living away from home, I have the opportunity to follow up on these interests. But I'm tentative for several reasons:

1. I don't know where or how to find the kind of person who would be understanding/patient with me and also share my interests (well, from what I can tell, such a person can be very difficult to find and is what most people want)
2. I've never been actually involved in the scene before and I don't know exactly what my interests are, though I do have a fairly good idea
3. I don't have a lot of money to throw around, and I'm living with a bunch of people so I can't really host anything easily...
4. I'm fairly busy with my studies, so this couldn't take up too much of my life

Alternative sexuality is something which I feel is a significant part of myself, and while I don't feel it's necessary for the sake of my continue happiness to pursue any kind of a relationship, I see all this as something which I may regret not thoroughly checking out...

From what I've read I know everyone on this forum is really nice, and I really hope posting this isn't inappropriate, and I really hope you guys will know how to respond to this. I'll also add that this is not a personal--I don't actually want to meet up with anyone yet (don't try to convince me to actually pursue a specific course of action, either, I just want to know what the facts are about my various options so I can figure all this out for myself).

Just realized I haven't stated explicity what the point of this post is. It's to ask--what do you all think about this, what are some possibilities as far as me pursuing this?

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RE: Don't know where to begin (Advice?) - 11/7/2005 2:13:40 AM

GlobalSkulls

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Joined: 11/6/2005
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All I can say is just search for what you after. It will take awhile but once you find them, it would of been worth it.

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RE: Don't know where to begin (Advice?) - 11/7/2005 5:06:48 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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You've got good insight and awareness there.

Treat this just like vanillas treat their lives, cuz that's what it is. Living life and finding what works for you. Experiment, search, be yourself, read, explore...have fun.

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RE: Don't know where to begin (Advice?) - 11/7/2005 5:16:45 AM

Phoenxx

Posts: 253
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From: Swift Current
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Sexual orientation usually means what gender(s) you prefer for sexual activities. Your fetishes sounds more like what you are speaking of.
One of the first thing you need to do is see what groups are active in your area. If there are munches or public events. This is a good way to meet people who will understand what you are talking about.
Also at public events such as the Black & Blue Ball here allow you to see in real life, what you have seen only in pictures before, as well as meeting people with more experience. You may even find a willing Domme for a quick play session there.
When you say that you have just become legal, are you talking 18 or? This also makes a difference in what advice people will give you.
One thing, BDSM is not always about rape fantasies. Rape plays a very small role in the play. Tying someone up is more about power exchange. Most Tops that I know find rape a very repugnant crime. Now, a little play acting, well that’s different… ;-)
Hope that helps,
Tony

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RE: Don't know where to begin (Advice?) - 11/7/2005 7:10:28 AM

Evanesce

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quote:

Just realized I haven't stated explicity what the point of this post is. It's to ask--what do you all think about this, what are some possibilities as far as me pursuing this?

I'm not going to try to "convince" you to do this, but you might try to find a TNG group near you. These groups are specifically geared towards young people, which you might find to be a little more within your comfort zone. The TNG group in my area is run by a 23-yr-old girl who has been actively involved in the lifestyle since the age of 18.

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RE: Don't know where to begin (Advice?) - 11/7/2005 3:10:10 PM

jro2020

Posts: 160
Joined: 10/23/2005
From: Idaho
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My advice, after not popping my cherry till I was twenty is don't get all over eager to go explorer, form a relationship with someone or someones and see where it leads. it is much easier to click with someone you meet in real life than online.

You sound like you are taking your education seriously start up a study group, it's a great way to get to meet people and definately a way many college relationships get their start.

In addition if you are worried about being of legal age before you have sex, you should also remember that in many states around the US and elsewhere areound the world sex out of wedlock is ILLEGAL. Something like 75% of people inthe US lost thier virginity before they were of legal age, so if the law is really what was holding you back you are probably still out of luck!

Also if you want to meet people post a profile, and wait till it gets approved. As a male you will be ignored by most women you type to, but that is the same as in real life.

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RE: Don't know where to begin (Advice?) - 11/7/2005 4:28:14 PM

Sensualips

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When I first became "formally" interested in BDSM a few months ago I found some semi local groups and talked with people, initially online or on the phone. The conversations were not to try and set up play or meetings or a relationship - but to ask about the local possibilities, ask about personal journeys, etc. In that I accidentally made a few friends as well.

I also found out when area dungeon parties were and went as a mere observer. Watched quietly, observed scenes and reactions, observed typical behavior, politely chatted when appropriate, etc. The first one was awkward and took great effort to walk in "alone" not really knowing anyone or what to expect. The second time was easier as I met a s/D couple there. And the third...well, I have not actually done a third yet. I live in a small town so local means a few hours away, limiting my participation.

My experience has been honesty about my curiosities and experience level has served me well.

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RE: Don't know where to begin (Advice?) - 11/7/2005 6:04:35 PM

AAkasha

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Lots of people are quick to refer you to bdsm clubs and organizations and whatnot, but what is imporant to note is that you confess you have never done anything sexual with another person in real life. You run the risk of sexually programming yourself so rigidly that your fantasies warp reality. You also have to learn to relate to a woman as a human being.

So many men (especially sub men) basically build their images of a woman based on a pornographic ideal -- right down to the outfits and shoes, demeanor and attitude -- and in reality, she's a fantasy. A real woman has needs and desires, is much more dimensional and doesn't come fully-equipped with the gear you see in porn. She comes equipped with feelings, an ego, her own needs, and often an agenda.

Sub men at a young age run into the problem off too much porn, not enough vanilla. Sure, people are already shuttling you off to BDSM events and organizations. I'm telling you to back off of that, and instead learn how to study together with a woman at the library. Learn to flirt. Learn how a lady likes to cuddle. Become an incredibly good kisser. Learn how to show a lady a nice time at dinner. Be a fun date. Start learning about the frustrations of male/female communication and romance.

At least, do this to some degree so that you have balance. It's not all fetish and fantasies. Underneath that latex and leather is a woman first and foremost. If you go 2, 4, then 6 or 8 years with no dating experience but tons of experience standing quietly in the corner of a BDSM party waiting to be noticed, you'll be an uncomfortable virgin and a man unable to ask a woman out because he's a 30 year old (or more) virgin.

Akasha

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RE: Don't know where to begin (Advice?) - 11/7/2005 6:13:30 PM

Sensualips

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That is a very good point, and something I had not considered.

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RE: Don't know where to begin (Advice?) - 11/7/2005 9:34:54 PM

jro2020

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AAkasha I agre eiwth you here which was one of the reasons i suggested what i suggested.

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RE: Don't know where to begin (Advice?) - 11/8/2005 6:45:55 PM

MDarker

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Joined: 10/28/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenxx

Sexual orientation usually means what gender(s) you prefer for sexual activities. Your fetishes sounds more like what you are speaking of.

Ah, I didn't say the word orientation... I was just using "sexuality" to refer to everything to do with erotic pleasures. Kind of a blanket term, I know... I'm not completely sexually self-aware, so I hesitate to overly describe myself.

I did a quick search for anything BDSM- or fetish-related on Google Local the other day and found some generic groups in neighboring towns. (Out of curiosity I also did a search for my area on Google, and found a dominatrix in her '30's looking for experienced submissives; and, Collarme.com personal returned someone in mid-20's looking for an experienced lover/companion (for sex etc.). Yes, that's probably not where I should be at the moment...)

quote:

Also at public events such as the Black & Blue Ball here allow you to see in real life, what you have seen only in pictures before, as well as meeting people with more experience.

That actually would be a good idea, you're right. I should become familiar with such things; short movies and still frames are far from the real thing, and I want to become more familiar with it so I can think clearly in such situations, I think.

quote:

When you say that you have just become legal, are you talking 18 or? This also makes a difference in what advice people will give you.

Yeah, I'm 18... Right, I understand that young people such as myself often overassume the presence of the sex act in such. And I tend to present myself unassumingly, so people may perceive that I am ignorant to more complex ideologies and "where' the pleasure is in such things... which I am, to a degree, since I have no contact with that beyond the medium of the internet, but I do hope that passing familiarity with a wide variety of areas relating to alternative sexuality will help me to not be completely caught off guard when it comes time for me to discover what BDSM actually is....

quote:

Hope that helps,
Tony

It definitely did, thank you.

quote:

I'm not going to try to "convince" you to do this, but you might try to find a TNG group near you. These groups are specifically geared towards young people, which you might find to be a little more within your comfort zone. The TNG group in my area is run by a 23-yr-old girl who has been actively involved in the lifestyle since the age of 18.

Thank you, I've just looked into this and it looks really cool... there's one in a nearby city, and I'll look for others.

By the way, I'm sorry, I probably overstated that part of my post where I referenced "convince"... I was just a bit paranoid people would not understand what I wanted from this topic. But people have been very helpful.

quote:

it is much easier to click with someone you meet in real life than online.

You sound like you are taking your education seriously start up a study group, it's a great way to get to meet people and definately a way many college relationships get their start.

I know exactly what you mean, about clicking... hopefully this isn't bad to do and will cause revocation of my account or anything, but I only did the personal because I found it appeared necessary to register to post on this forum (and I soon figured out how to disable it); something like what Evanesce describes, the TNG group, would be ideal because I assume that getting involved with (a part of) the community itself is the best way to meet people within the community (and work out how I am with all this). and the more like me they are the better off I am, definitely.

I do take my studies seriously, I do very well in that... I've actually thought about trying to organize study groups, because I see people not doing well and think they could just do to take a bit of time out of their life (two weekly study sessions could save you two letter grades or more! ...bad/awkward/obscure humor, yes...). I love to help people out with this kind of thing, I just have one of those personalities where I get a lot of satisfaction out of being organized and constructive. I will keep this in mind I may very likely try to do that.

Sensualips, the way you did that sounds really cool, I'd like to familiarize myself with all this in a similar way I think.

AAkasha... thank you.

That's a main fear of mine, actually, that I will go too fast or too directly into this and then I'll be in a situation where my general sentiment is "Uhhh..." or worse, I act offensively. Or, as you describe at the end of your post, I will just remain a skillless newbie who no one has the desire or energy to attempt to "deal with" (where "deal with" is what they "think over" the words "play with"). If I do it right, though, I have the sincere belief that I may find enjoyment and satisfaction in these activites.

It's actually somewhat true that I don't spend much time relating to women (or men, really) around campus; it's not naturally forthcoming because I don't share the same interests as most (not just in the case of BDSM), and I don't have any kind of inclination to form social relationships. I will keep it in mind that general philosophy as I try to form better relationships with my peers. I'm not completely tactless with women, I have a sister (though of course it's not the same thing, I feel like it helps me...) but I could definitely use some work in that department, yes...

This is wonderful advice... it's actually a whole lot to take in, I have yet to fully consider it and find out what my personal possibilities are. I may very likely post again with more questions, when I do.

< Message edited by MDarker -- 11/8/2005 6:50:01 PM >

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