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RE: Balance - 6/28/2008 1:40:39 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
The "shoulds" and "you are wrong" and "I'd never do that" is what is troubling me. Maybe I'm trying to say can't we be a little kinder, more compassionate on the forums?

There are many people that are softer, kinder, more diplomatic than I am. If you ask for an opinion, and I offer mine, 9 times out of 10 you are going to get it straight and without a lot of fluff. That tenth time is generally when I get a feeling that there is something else going on, something like I think the OP is not playing with a full deck, or they are presenting as particularly vulnerable, or something like that.

Earlier today I was talking to a friend who asked what I thought of something he posted. I immediately said, "I think you overreacted." I didn't couch it with a lot of fluff, I didn't say "perhaps you came across stronger than you intended" or "perhaps you misunderstood the person responding to you"... nope, none of that.

Did I hurt his feelings? (or more appropriately, did he choose to feel hurt?) I don't know, but he didn't say he was hurt. My friends know (or good lord, should know) that I call it the way I see it.

Cali

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Post #: 21

RE: Balance - 6/29/2008 2:42:41 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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Hello everybody,
Thank you for all your input. Wow did I learn a lot about myself through this thread. It had the distinction of making me realize a new layer of "people pleasing" that I do. Yes, I appreciate diplomacy. I like that about myself.

But juliet sierra (a biggggggggg fat tip of the hat to you) hit the nail on the head for me, and I haven't been able to get her (your) response out of my thoughts. Greying my vibrance... I didn't realize I STILL do that. I thought I'd gotten past that. And here it is again, rearing its ugly head.

There is a time for diplomacy and a time for speaking clearly, calling a spade a spade and not a dirty shovel. I'm going back to the drawing board so to speak. This has inspired some art for me... about living in color and speaking in color. I can't tell you how much this has shaken my comfort zones.

Peace to you,
sunshine

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Post #: 22

RE: Balance - 7/1/2008 7:47:33 AM

nhite

Posts: 85
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline

i'm going to re-read to make sure i'm tracking right but what i picked up on to some extent was a little less edge to the musts and shoulds of things... i am still pre-coffee so i could be wrong ;)

one of the worst conversations i ever had with a sub was how i wasn't doing anything like the way i SHOULD because in her mind there was only one way in and to deviate from that very path meant there was somethign wrong with me and that i was not worthy of being her friend because i was doign it wrong and she clearly failed to understand my journey at all; which hurt because i felt she had a great deal to offer by speakign of her journey....

so rambling point being that 'there can be only one' shoudl be left to highlander, when it comes to people there's no such thing <grin>

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Post #: 23

RE: Balance - 7/1/2008 10:58:41 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Honestly, it depends on the context. I've known all my life that sometimes it's far more advantageous to be seen as far less smart and capable than you are- I have honed the art of underestimation very well. And many doms will eat it up like there's no tomorrow.

This I agree with completely - in general in life I've found it very important to seem as approachable as I can (I hope I do a good job at it, I know I used to be really bad at it) and part of that is absolutely downplaying my capabilities and intelligence. However, what I enjoy about my owner is that I can be myself... my random "I like toast" moments but also in my more brilliant moments.

C~

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Post #: 24

RE: Balance - 7/1/2008 11:27:57 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Hello Everyone,

I wrote something similar for another thread and found it has been a theme in my brain for a few other threads. Here on the boards we are so definite, so black and white.... right and wrong. It is bothersome to me. Yes, I know when someone says "was I wrong?" they are asking for judgment. What is difficult for me is the absoluteness that people say yes and no. Where is the acknowledgment of growth? The understanding that sometimes people are taken aback, overwhelmed, scared, etc.? I put the following statement to you for responses. It is something that I am currently working on, in the struggle, moving forward... Not in the black and not in the white, not in right or wrong... just living in the learning process. I welcome your feedback.

*************************

Finding the balance between being a subly type and not arguing with the Domly types...
Doing what they say knowing by my own experience that is not going to work...
Feeling overwhelmed by their lack of mastery of themselves in areas I have mastered and them pulling me down to their level.

I don't say this is true for other s-types, but for me... I find it difficult at times to stand up to the M types and put my full intelligence out there, my experiences, my talents that surpass their own. I dumb it down for them or ignore my own knowledge so as not to "hurt their feelings"... so as to make them feel good... and yet that's silly.

Intellect, feelings, talent, submission all wrapped up into one. Talking more knowingly about a topic, living more passionately, being more worldly, basically having strengths where they have weaknesses ... these are sometimes intimidating for me as an S-type. How to be pleasing and be Enter Superlative Here... But they are my truth... as are the fact that i'm an average gal... in many many ways and below average in others. Aren't we all?

How to honor the learning process?

peace and passion,
sunshine

Excellent Op.

I know no matter whom I accept a collar from, there will be knowledge gaps. I'd expect to be 'heard' if I felt I was well-informed. Not necessarially agreed with -- but heard, certainly.

Some things I will not do. Period. Being asked repeatedly would cause friction.

While no one is perfect, any Dom who didn't display self-control 99% of the time would lose my interest, fast.

I don't plan on ceding all control over my life to anyone...not my family..not my Dom. Ultimately I am responsible for myself. Some 'final decisions' made by my Dom would just not work for me.

I know I'll have difficulty accepting the control I do cede to him. I know I'll make mistakes and need correction. I expect him to be a teacher as well as a disciplinarian. I also expect that this will take a great deal of work on my part -- there's no substitute for creating and remaining in a proper mindset. It's not something anyone else but me can do for me.

candystripper

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Post #: 25

RE: Balance - 7/2/2008 6:03:01 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
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im reading all of this and recognising myself and nodding with each thread thats been posted, cos i find this balance hard too.

someone once said to me that it wasnt until they really got to know me that they realised i really was that 'nice' - i was actually offended a little because the inferrance was that id been putting it on, i didnt say i was offended of course, i smiled nicely..lol

when being nice to the point of dumming down is so ingrained that your opinion on something or your expertise or knowledge of something becomes a whisper because you dont want to take the limelight away from someone elses opinion, expertise, knowledge then thats a generosity thing, i think.

and if youre dumming down to look less bright and intelligent to a D type then youre not putting yourself in a position to allow that woman inside of yourself to find her voice and be.

what i find difficult, after years of dumming down and not being listened to by people like my mum, who'd just drift off like i was the most boring person in the world - is to actually step up to the plate and move into the spaces ive been given to express myself and be. it is a hard habit to break and alot to do with self confidence too.

< Message edited by lally3 -- 7/2/2008 6:04:32 AM >

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