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chickpea -> RE: Are you a control freak? (6/29/2008 1:10:51 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sabella
maybe someone was completely beat down by their parents as a kid & belittled about any choices or decisions they tried to make. In turn, feeling this sting & "I can't do this" subconsciously they try to maintain control over things equally as foolish - such as other people's decisions & actions later in life. Or controlling their environment to an excessive degree (the cereal boxes MUST be facing this way - or else). Or re-doing a task someone else has done because it didn't meet their own specifications.
My mom was exactly like that. Belittling everything I did (even if I did everything right, she'd just stay quiet, to maintain her control over the situation). She's a good person (as her mom was a bible worshipper), but grew up with an alcholic father so tends to act that belittling towards me without even realizing how destructive it is.
I've improved a lot since reaching the end of my 20's of not trying to control things that are just useless or can't be controlled, I take things in stride and am pretty open (unless she infects me with seeds of negative thoughts or goals). She still tries to control or manipulate things going on in my life. I try to keep my personal life away from her, but then that deprives me of her sometimes very good advice and her sharp perception on things (she's old and has been around).
I was so fascinated studying psychology in getting over a very anal mom (who loved me at the same time, which was confusing before), but I had to learn the lines between personal spaces so it doesn't blur into codependency. Think I've been good about staying away from codependent relationships, and am trying to keep myself from wanting to control things I have no control over (like my mom did)... break the cycle. And focusing now on what I'm doing and just be happy with that, regardless of the outcome.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Sabella
Or someone may be manipulative of other's thru emotions (think drama queens or folks who cry or get enraged in extreme fashions) this is also a form of control over others.
I think manipulation can be assessing the situation and influencing people's thoughts through negative comments (and pulling on the strings of social approval and acceptance...which everyone wants, by either threatening to withdraw or offering lavish praise/adulation or other favors if he complies) in order to get the desired outcome that you want.
It doesn't have to be dramatic. Believe me, I've had enough experience growing up with a manipulative mom *sigh* But many times it is, especially if the focus is on controlling an outcome they have no control over.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Sabella
It's frightening giving up control. But recognizing there IS a problem is a great first step. Many folks who are control freaks over their lives (and therefore other's) either won't recognize it or think it's something to be proud of. Like wearing armor. But the control doesn't protect you as much as it drives other people away. It's a rusty shield.
I've seen that proudness of being control-freaks a lot from those that openly declare themselves as Doms. But in my opinion, the only time to be proud of control is when someone voluntarily gives control to you.
As far as focusing on controlling the outcomes of a bunch of things in your life, i agree... It will be destructive to a lot of healthy things in the long-term, as a lot of normal and decent people who would not encourage this in you, get burned. Eventhough it gets you what you want (but maybe don't really need) in the short-run.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Sabella
I know I have battled with my own control issues (much improved!), and most women I know have admitted they are control freaks. Why is this do you suppose? The knee-jerk reaction is usually "Because if I don't do something about it, then it's not done RIGHT!" well, does right really matter as long as the task is done?
Thoughts?
Mostly women are good at this... I suppose it's the survival instinct. I need to be more like this :-) lol but then again, I've been trying NOT to be like my mom, and let the other people manipulate (and if X or Y doesn't realize it then) too bad.
For myself, I've had to learn to let go of control and focus on building a positive structure in my life around good habits and people, not always seeking validation from my mom (another one of her ways of trying to control). I went through a period in my life of just doing just the opposite of ANYTHING (even any healthy things) my mom would suggest, just to prove I can do it no matter how destructive to me things I did were... (like wow, look at me, I'm so cool, I just outright *screwed her* she doesn't have control over me now!). I've had to spend my time paying my dues and extracting myself from negative long-term consequences of those behaviors and actions.
So now, I'm not into manipulating others (eventhough it is a useful tool in the rat race corporate world), I'll just express my opinion politely. Whatever the outcome, if I'm doing the right thing and am proud of my actions and I'm moving in the right direction with a good structure and fixing things that are wrong in my life and doing things I should be doing rather than being lazy, then it'll all workout eventually. I have tended to focus on results, me being the achievement-oriented type, so I'm definitely still working on letting go of control. Focusing on doing positive things, rather than positive outcomes. Less burning, and more positives come of that.
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