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pagankinktress -> RE: BDSM and Its Value To You (6/29/2008 9:30:29 PM)
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Wow...there are really some wonderful responses in this thread...I've gone through and highlighted just a few of the various insights shared which spoke to me in some way. There is so much good stuff here and I really want to say thank you to all who took the time to put your thoughts, experiences and feelings out there. I think I'm going to have to make a compliation of this thread...maybe something like "The Best Of..." from Collarchat. [:D] Seriously, for all the not-so-positive responses that sometimes come out in various threads, what I love about what happened here is so many of you beautifully described the good parts that mean something to each of you. Maybe I'm just a glass-half full kind of girl, but these are the things worth sharing and expanding upon. Thank you all for sharing.
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ORIGINAL: BitaTruble
~FR~
What I value most about BDSM is that I can use it for a variety of purposes. It's a tool which allows me opportunities to laugh, cry, cleanse, fly, cum, cringe etc. depending on the energy of the moment, my needs or wants at the time and, of course, the path that Himself wants us to walk. I can use it alone, in front of a crowd, with lovers, strangers or friends. It effects all of my senses in so many ways or deprives me of the use of some of them for periods of time so that I come back to Earth a bit more appreciative of what was lost in the moment or what the moment has allowed me to gain.
Bita, sounds like what works for you is you have found a terrific outlet and way to just be yourself and let go. I love that.
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It isn't any of the acts or kinks I value. It's the fact that this is a safe and healthy way for me to express my submissiveness. In non d/s relationships I would give and give and never get anything back or be valued for what I did. The opposite, I was looked down on while they took and drained me dry.
He values me and appreciates what I do. I receive in equal value to what I give, which allows me to keep giving.
DesFip,
Self-expression in such a context means everything. And I like how you point out about receiving in equal value to what you give....the back-and-forth, give-and-take...that's what I seek out in D/s exchanges and you put it so eloquently.
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Hi Pagan--
I'd say the most important value of BDSM--in my opinion, of course--is that if you are willing to be introspective, and carefully evaluate WHY you are attracted to BDSM--what need or urge it fulfills, how you see yourself fitting in the world as a result of it, that you can gain some valuable insights/self knowledge about yourself....the kind you do NOT learn in Psych 101! [;)]
Hi Joe!
Oh yeah, introspection is my middle name. Maybe that explains why I'm such a head case! [:D] Though in all seriousness, I think sometimes BDSM allows me to get "out of my head" for a while...which is a really, really good thing. I also do like your comment on figuring out your place in the world as a result of your participation in whatever form of BDSM you chose to explore.
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There are BDSM practitioners who use it for spiritual practice, as well as sexual practice, as well as For the Rush, and for many different reasons. When examining the idea of using BDSM as a catalyst for change learning growth etc. looking at those who practice it in part as a spiritual practice might be a good place to start.
I actually presented a new class "SM more than meets the Skin" (Useing SM for different purposes) at Southeast Leatherfest earlier this month. Hope to present it a few more times later this year.
Archer,
This does resonate with me. I find that I look for ways to parallel both pieces of sprituality and BDSM. Kind of a little like mixing the sacred with the profane...[;)] I hope that doesn't sound blasphemous. But there is something about combining those two worlds that feels right for me. Also, the class you facilitated sounds incredibly fascinating. I'd love to hear more about that.
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Hi pagankinkstress. Here are some ideas of mine that come to mnd:
* Finding out about D/s gave me insight into my true nature as a submissive and allowed me to let go of labels like 'weak'; 'insecure'; etc, some of which had been applied to me by friends in whom I had confided in my heart's desire.
* Finding out about D/s allowed me to develop as a submissive; from discovering how much I love light bondage to learning about 'letting go' and allowing my Dom to take charge. It won't be as easy for me as I thought at first blush.
* Finding out about Ds gave me access to web sites like this one, in which Doms seek submissives, and increased my chances of meeting someone who is right for me and being collared. It allowed me to start dating Doms, which has been great fun.
* I personally am not interetsed in sadism; I am not maso. I love light bondage. I am not sure exactly what discipline means -- I think everyone has their own ideas on that. I no yearning to be disciplined, no matter what method is used. I don't want to disappoint my Dom and cause him to feel the need to use discipline to correct me. Instead I feel a very strong desire to be pleasing.
I think absolutely everyone has a different slant on what BDSM even means, never mind what value it has for them. But I liked your Op.
candystripper
Candystripper,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences. I'm happy to hear that for you some of what has been valuable about BDSM was that it served for a way to help you develop a secure sense of self-identity. I'm also sorry to hear that you were subjected to being labelled by those who did not comprehend what your submission means for you. But on the flip side, it seems like you've also been able to open yourself up to wonderful friendships and relationships. That's what's most important, and good for you. =)
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Fast Reply:
Knowing isn't the same as doing. I've known and dabbled in kinky practice to enhance sex for more than a decade, but I say dabbled for a reason. Discovering the enjoyment and fulfillment than dominating can bring me has opened my eyes to dynamics that have colored my interpersonal relationships all of my life.
The value for me lies in...
1. self-discovery
2. increased intimacy
3. spiritual energy
4. really, really hot sex!
Lady Delilah Deb
Lady Delilah,
I love hearing this. While the experience and self discovery process you describe may not be exactly as mine, I too can relate to the ways D/s relationships have enhanced my outlook and participation in other relationships as well. And your list is awesome!
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It's had a very positive influence on my life, on many levels. First of all I'm now looking for (and finding) relationships that meet my needs on all levels. (great sex too!!!)
I also find that I'm a much more patient person who is more considerate of others. Before I became a 'practising sub' (for want of a better phrase) I did a lot of hearing, but not a lot of listening. Some wonderful Masters have taught me that I need to listen more and actually process what is being said before acting upon it.
I'm still learning and will hopefully continue to improve as a person as well as a sub.
Mos,
It's so inspiring to hear how you are able to recognize the ways you have grown interpersonally via your BDSM experiences. I think there is such potential for learning for both dominants and submissives through their relationships with one another.
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You can't read about them, or talk about them or think about them, you have to live them. So to me, BDSM is a way of kind of creating those "lessons" in a short, concentrated manner in a much safer setting than RL can provide. It can allow one to slingshot through some tough issuese and get right to the meat. Because the experiences are so physical in nature it is experienced wholly, rather than just in thought, and if done properly, without the accompanying negative emotions that might occur if it was a RL experience.
On a less serious note, what I value about BDSM is that it's a whole lot of fun. It allows people to let go, be themselves and just experience sensations, emotions and intimacy on a primal, intuitive, immediate level, stripping away the layers of "self" we carry with us and just be. It's good.
TN,
I like the (life) lesson piece. And what you say about the wholeness of experience, that speaks to me too. It can be a body/mind thing, but as I said above, for me, one of the great benefits is being able to get out of my head at times, because god knows I spend enough time there! I so dig your comment on experiencing sensations, emotions and intimacy on a primal, intuitive and immediate level too. Very well said.
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In general, I agree with the "it works for me" kind of thing. However, there is one distinct, clear benefit to me; discovering that this was a sexuality that could be expressed in a consentual manner radically altered a highly scary and negative view of myself, which could not but have a profound impact on my life as a whole.
Dominant Jenny,
You are a geninunely beautiful person. From what I have read here on the forums, you always seem to have a knack for expressing yourself in an authentic and relate-able way.
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I have to say that BDSM and ALL that it entails according to the style in which I live (y'know...bdsm lifestyle) has been very valuable to me. Coming into this kink has given me a way to label this portion of me that I would have otherwised been unable to explain. For the human brain to understand things, we need labels, or "names". While I never denied myself the true enjoyment of strapping my barbies down for Ken to molest them, or staring off into space during math class to dream of being held underwater and at the mercy of my captor, I couldn't tell anyone. It was my secret because growing up my mom told me how abusive her former husband was, and my friends wanted a kind, gentle lover. Who was I, the starving masochist, to tell my mother that I wanted to me smacked and to my friends that the best cuddles came after a severe belting? When I came across resources on BDSM, it was like opening the floodgates. I had stories to relate to, feeling like one could not put a label to their interests.
The only thing I have to say I've ever been dissapointed in is the outright disrespect people have for others in this lifestyle (whether you want to call it that or not, I don't care, I know some of you out there are connecting with these words regardless). In my mind when I found this, I felt like I had found people who could all agree on one thing! But on top of the squabble of how could someone who loves you hurt you, there is 'you can't call yourself a slave', and blahblahblah.
To be honest, this has improved me as a person. Now that I don't feel as if I'm floating around and looking for something to be anchored to, I can begin to grow and have grown quite a bit. I'm more disciplined and more focused than ever before. I keep as tidy as possible and I actively find ways to please my Owner, and deep down I find pleasure in that. I find enjoyment I probably would have never found because I'm comfortable where I am at and I feel safe and secure. I love it!
Gagging Whore,
Finding yourself and being able to reconcile who you are the inside is what most every one of us strives for. How wonderful that you are on the path toward furthering this process of growth more and more and feel secure in the way you express yourself.
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I think Lady Delilah Deb is getting at most of it for me.
1) Those that take the time and have the courage to ask themselves why they are attracted to this and what they value in BDSM will gain self discovery.
2) I believe a BDSM framework can be used to enhance intimacy although their are others like tantric sex that may be just as good a vehicle for some. Similarly to how one can gain a lot from several different religious schools of religious teachings not just one.
3) Spiritual energy--sounds great would someone like to elaborate on this. I have seen scenes where a couple has their own ritual or meditation, but I don't know if that is what your talking about. Then there is also the primal feeling that one gets in the act of sex and for me particularly dominant sex. Possibly you are talking of similar things as I will describe bellow as personal development.
4) Really really hot sex. I think the vast majority agree on this point. For me the sex is better. For those who make BDSM a regular part of their lives in the bedroom I think this is the main reason.
I began by thinking that BDSM is simply a way to have great sex and that it was neither a positive nor a negative for my personal development. Then through a shocking example I realized that it is possible for consensual sex to become unhealthy or destructive. We have thoroughly explored that issue. Maybe for the most part it is just good clean (or not so clean) fun without benefit or harm.
I think this thread is great. When is BDSM a benefit to your personal development?
I hope people get as into this question as they did about when is BDSM harmful.
5) Personal development. This is not necessarily spiritual development. I have often asked myself what is it that draws me to this style of relationship and sex. My answers are power, adrenaline, feeling deviant without causing harm, escapism, creativity, emotional release, and knowing someone would do anything for me, exploring and enhancing my dominant side, discovering new sexual ideas, and discussing sexuality with people that are willing to speak openly about their sexuality as well as highly sexual beings. Some of these are more of a high than of personal development, but as I right out my list it appears to me that BDSM has more positive attributes for my life than at first glance. The goal is to enhance the positives while reducing the negatives and still having an awesome time.
These are just the things I get out of BDSM, but I am a Dominant male that is more into Bondage and Domination than Sadism. Don't get me wrong though I enjoy the sadism too.
Notice that I did not mention control. Many Doms mention this as a major positive. I am far from OCD.
I know this is a bit of a stereotype but I think it has some validity. It is interesting that people into D/s part of BDSM are often in dominant positions in society or are very shy and have trouble with acertiveness. These people often like to do a roll reversal when it comes to the bedroom. I think this helps them to balance their personality outside of the bedroom. This is not always the case. People in these positions often like to carry their role with them into the bedroom after all it is comfortable. These are extremes but I think this plays out in the middle ground as well.
People in SCA, Sci-fi convention goers, and renaissance fair types, are also highly represented at BDSM gatherings. I think the common thread hear is escapism. They get to escape the world with roll-play. Most people just escape to a resort for a little while, BDSM allows you to escape whenever you want to a different headspace.
Also I think both a Master and his submissive can grow a lot personally if he is willing to couch her in a way that improves her daily life as well as their sex life.
WhatURSeeking,
This is amazing; all of what you said here gets at the heart of what I was asking in my OP. You articulate yourself beautifully and I know I am going to be quoting you for some time now!
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