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stella41b -> RE: transgendered (6/29/2008 12:48:46 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: shadowcd
Although I think my natural choice in clothes is that of females I still list it as crossdressing cause that seems to be the easiest for people to understand. So I guess by your definition of TV that is the least like me, as i do view my self more as female and would if possible remove all "male" traits preeminently.
After reading your views on the matter I think I understand a little more clear. I suppose it may be harder in some ways because I am unwilling at the moment to give up my male side, not because I like it but because I fear the rejection and ridicule that I am sure will follow from many of my friends and family if i did.
One day I probably will completely switch to female and I already know I will regret not doing it sooner. The only time I am really happy is when i am being female with someone that views me as female not just as a guy in a dress, or even just a guy in guy clothes. Which of course is why I become so submissive in such a situation as I don't want to do anything that may upset them and wish to somehow make them as happy as they make me simply by embracing me as my true self.
Hi Shadow
This is why I resent the term 'sex change' or 'sex reassignment'. and anyone else who would regard me as male simply because I wasn't born with a pussy. But this is how governments and society on the whole thinks - boys have willies, girls have fannies (UK meaning) and there's no room for abnormalities.
This to me defies logic. Here I mean basic logic. If I was male, why would I ever want to become female? Why am I so determined so as to lose everything I've ever had in my life, to consider suicide, to face up to the abuse, hostility of others, rejection, endure the loneliness, intense emotional suffering, the constant challenges from people, the questioning, etc in order to be seen as female?
Ever considered that I might be telling the truth? I'm writing as someone who has three clear diagnoses from different specialists in Warsaw, Vienna and London. This is why the Gender Recognition Act 2004 in the UK is so important, and why I feel it should be accepted as the standard for gender recognition - a clear diagnosis of 'a long medical history of gender dysphoria'.
If I am living and presenting as myself, happily, as a female, and I have such a diagnosis, why should this be an issue to anyone else? Why should I have to wait until surgery for this fact to be recognised in law?
I mean I don't walk up to a guy and ask him "Are you sure you really want to be a guy?" Do I walk up to a woman and take a long look at her and say "Gee, you look really feminine."? But this is exactly what we transgendered people often have to put up with, all the time.
But you know, I'm not stupid. I don't fall for society's carrot in a stick. I know that once I come out of that operating theatre and they remove the dressing and bandages, and I'm in so much pain I can hardly think, that society's 'think she's female' will only shift so far as 'used to be a man'.
Being female, or male for that matter it's got nothing to do with what clothing you wear, it's got nothing to do with what body parts you may or may not have, it's got everything to do with who you are deep inside as a person.
I'll use myself as an example. I knew I had gender issues way before I had any awareness of BDSM. Ironically my parents wanted a girl, I am the first born, they were expecting a girl, but they were disappointed. Bitterly disappointed, and I took the consequences of that disappointment right through my childhood. My parents wanted me so much my mother dumped me on her parents in Glasgow for the first few years of my life. Even my godmother who was emigrating to Canada wanted to take me with her to Toronto, and I would have gone had my mother not backed out of the deal at the last minute. I spent thirteen years of my life having to deal with the resentment of my parents. I ran away from home at 15, stayed away for some months, returned to finish school at 16, then left two weeks after my 16th birthday for London.
All I've ever wanted in life is a family, to be part of a family. But you know I'm never going to have a baby, not possible, can't even menstruate. I love kids, especially little ones, toddlers, always wanted to raise my own. But it isn't going to happen. I'm 42 in a few weeks, never had a successful meaningful sexual relationship. What does it feel like to be loved, to be able to be intimate with someone? What does it feel like to experience that psychological comfort, that emotional bond, and those physical sensations all together with the person you really love through what can be described as lovemaking? I don't know, I'm still waiting.
This is what brought me into BDSM.. my being female. Much of my emotional need to submit is really only a way of expressing those maternal instincts deep within me. Does this mean a female is inherently submissive? No, it doesn't. It just means that I am female, I am also submissive, these are just two components which together with, say, writing plays, make me the unique person I am. This is how I became a female service submissive with Dommes, I got to clean houses, cook, wash, iron, scrub, I got to make sacrifices, I got to learn how to identify and recognise emotional needs and to instinctively respond to them. I played with men and women experimenting, and ended up preferring women. I learned to submit in the bedroom, we couldn't have sex, but she could still get her needs fulfilled. As long as I got the cuddle and the kiss at the end I was happy. This to me was intimacy, a cuddle and a kiss. I'm still a sucker for vulnerability in a Domme, the less physically attractive ones, the misshapen and older ones, the ones who need love and support just as much as the others.
Through BDSM I found not only myself, but I also found freedom. About twenty six years of my life has been spent lost in fear, anxiety, doubt, confusion, worrying about fitting in, worrying about what others will think and how other people will perceive me. Sure those years did have happy memories, I met some wonderful people, but I had built myself an 'invisible prison' and duly sentenced myself. This term comes from Professor Malinowski, my psychiatrist in Warsaw, the spitting image of Albert Einstein, and he warned me against building my own 'invisible prisons' using the bricks formed of other people's opinions and the locks and keys of their judgments. "Most will just look at you on the outside and walk away," he said, "But others will look at you and see right inside you, and these are the ones who stay and the only ones you should be sharing your life with."
Gender reassignment is tough, it's difficult, not just for the person who's going through it, but also for the other people around them. Everybody walks their own path, follows their own strategy, it can take months, or it can take years. In August I will have been developing a theatre for a year, but will have also been transitioning for ten years. Ewa in Warsaw is 50, her transition took 15 years and two court cases to complete, she's had the operation but she's still not 'out' to her employer or family. Her partner Piotr is post-op transgendered male, 8 years, two and a half years of excruciating pain and infections after surgery. Aleksandra has been transitioning for six years, but cannot get the referral from a psychiatrist for hormones, she's been trying for four years, she hasn't worked for 5 years, lost her flat last March, spent a few weeks homeless and is now living in as someone's housekeeper. Magda at 21 had the support of her parents, she spent six months travelling between Warsaw and Gdansk and this was how long it took her to transition - six months.
I'm not in any hurry.. You see I got the most important body part of a female - the brain. No amount of hormones or surgery is ever going to make me more female than I already am, nor will it ever change the fact that I'm transgendered. I got my strategy, get the headspace worked out, then the life, then go for the physical changes.
The thing is you only have one life, this is it. Gender reassignment takes time and is difficult. I cannot tell you or advise you whether you should go for gender reassignment or not, we don't know each other, I can't get inside your head. All I can do is share with you my life and my experiences, and I would advise you to seek out and do the same with others.
Only you can decide whether you want to live for yourself being completely open and at one with yourself, or you are prepared to compromise and stay as you are for the sake of your life and the people in it. You see I could say go ahead, you only live once, time passes even quicker as you get older and those opportunities may never come back. I could advise you to go ahead and take the risk suggesting that the people in your life will accept you and support you.
But what if they don't? This is about you and who you really are, and perhaps not so much who you should be.
Whatever you decide I wish you all the best and would be inclined to cross my fingers. Be well.
stella.
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