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RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? - 7/1/2008 12:27:57 AM

MasterFireMaam

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From: Charleston, WV
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Hmmm...good question.

I think that we are taught to rely on others and their approval of us to define our self worth. This is not healthy, in my opinion. I'm not sure I'd say that subs/slaves are any more prone to it than Doms/Masters. I think it depends on the individual and their level of emotional health. The ideal, for me, is to not to care anything about the approval of others and to temper our internal judgments with compassion for our own self approval.

One could argue that, if an Ms relationship is about obedience, then the slave doesn't need to care about the approval of the Master. The slave only cares about fulfilling the order given. If the action does not give the results desired, it is the Master's fault for not making the order clear. No emotional judgment, such as approval or disapproval, is required for this relationship to be fulfilling...in it's ideal state.

But, we all know how well ideals really work. We strive and fall short. Only, this particular area makes that OK and encourages us to try again.

Master Fire

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RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? - 7/1/2008 12:32:08 AM

chickpea

Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I think that we are taught to rely on others and their approval of us to define our self worth. This is not healthy, in my opinion. I'm not sure I'd say that subs/slaves are any more prone to it than Doms/Masters. I think it depends on the individual and their level of emotional health.

i'd like to add that I rely on approval to see if my behavior was appropriate, especially if i am a new sub.

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RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? - 7/1/2008 12:38:59 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Hmmm...good question.

I think that we are taught to rely on others and their approval of us to define our self worth. This is not healthy, in my opinion. I'm not sure I'd say that subs/slaves are any more prone to it than Doms/Masters. I think it depends on the individual and their level of emotional health. The ideal, for me, is to not to care anything about the approval of others and to temper our internal judgments with compassion for our own self approval.

One could argue that, if an Ms relationship is about obedience, then the slave doesn't need to care about the approval of the Master. The slave only cares about fulfilling the order given. If the action does not give the results desired, it is the Master's fault for not making the order clear. No emotional judgment, such as approval or disapproval, is required for this relationship to be fulfilling...in it's ideal state.

But, we all know how well ideals really work. We strive and fall short. Only, this particular area makes that OK and encourages us to try again.

Master Fire

Master sends his regards to you.
And I thank you for responding and I absolutely love the coment on the arguement on obedience and on how ideals really work - lightbulb moment for me there. V.cool.

the.dark.

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RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? - 7/1/2008 1:19:56 AM

MsValentine

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I came out publicly on the bdsm scene eleven years ago and I went to the munch in my city. I met some lovely people there and then I also met others who were less than lovely. One I recall was a terrible old naysayer, who upon hearing my ideas, just told me time and time again why I was wrong and my plans would never work. I decided there and then that I could do things my way or just be a sheep.

I am sure he wanted to seem as though he was so wise giving a newbie advise. However, deep down I also think he disliked the fact I refused to conform on various points he considered 'the true way' to do things.

He helped me enormously because I was so nettled by him, I stuck to my guns, ignored his 'advice' and have been much the happier for it.

< Message edited by MsValentine -- 7/1/2008 1:20:58 AM >

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RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? - 7/1/2008 4:09:35 AM

shivermetimbers

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quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

How much approval do you need?

If you're 'new' to D/s, do you feel when another member criticizes you, you should always consider what they've said?

When -- if ever -- have you changed your mind about something in D/s because of approval or disapproval from a member here?

candystripper

Just like in real life, I gave up needing anyone's approval but my own. I consider myself still new to D/s, and if I get constructive criticism, no problem. They don't exactly hand out "years of service pins" to show someone's stated experiences are indeed valid, so I consider the message, not the messenger. I have changed my mind about something in D/s not from an approval standpoint, but from constructive criticism, most notably, I only have myself to blame if I willfully enter into a situation I have no business being part of.

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RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? - 7/1/2008 5:54:44 AM

metalmiss

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The only approval i need in my life is that of my Master.. Anybody else can say or think what they like..

If somebody agrees or disagrees with me, well thats up to them. i don't understand how that could possibly make me feel better or worse about myself..
To me, the public play aspect of the OP makes no sense.. How could somebody else out there in the big wide world not being into public play cause me to feel bad about that aspect of what i enjoy? i understand the gist of what is being asked in general, but i don't see how that keys in.. Probably just me.

Would i change my view of D/s because somebody here disapproved of the way 'i' work? Hell no.. i know what works for me, i have no problem in giving MY opinion, but i don't expect the same to work for them. Horses for courses.

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Post #: 46

RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? - 7/3/2008 8:02:22 PM

meticulousgirl

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i seek one person's approval, that's it.

i'm just here to chat, share some basic stories and to hopefully guide the newbies since i know and remember what it's like to be new in this lifestyle (and yes it can be a very scary place)

~meticulous~

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RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? - 7/3/2008 8:34:02 PM

joyinslavery

Posts: 955
Joined: 6/21/2005
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I'd request approval from EVERYONE here on these sexy boards but PARTICULARLY the women folk.

Okay, well I suppose I should just be realistic here so I'll just take whatever the f*#k I can get. I think that's a majority of one (if MY vote of confidence counts).

Have fun.

Edited because I dropped the roach between the sofa cushions and had to take desperate action in order to both save the roach and prevent a most unfortunate fire event.

< Message edited by joyinslavery -- 7/3/2008 8:42:06 PM >

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Post #: 48

RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? - 7/4/2008 6:55:11 AM

ProtagonistLily

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quote:

How much approval do you need?

I like approval in my real world work and home life. I like knowing if the person in charge is happy with what I'm producing. I also like to know if they aren't, so that I can fix that and get better.

I honestly don't care what people I don't know think of what I have to say. I do have some friends here and people I admire and I would like to think they think I have something to add to the conversation, but if they don't, it's not going to rock my world.

quote:

If you're 'new' to D/s, do you feel when another member criticizes you, you should always consider what they've said?

When I was new, I was much more influenced by people who I thought were more experienced had to say and their criticism, especially in the virtual realms. I realized fairly quickly that real life experiences were the place for me to learn about BDSM from a relationship and 'play' perspective.

quote:

If you're 'experienced' at D/s, do you feel 'better' when someone agrees with you? Worse when someone doesn't?

Sure, who doesn't? But I don't roll up into a ball if someone disagrees with me. If I relate back to my experiences, and use those as the basis for what I say, then how can someone else really disagree? If I say "He like it when I do X, and that works for us" it's hard for someone to come back and say "I don't agree with that" They can say "that's dumb" or "Hey that's cool" but I find if I relate things in experiential terms, it takes all the approval/disapproval out of the equation so to speak, hense I often say "your mileage may vary' because what I'm really saying is "This is how it is in His house, it may be differant for you..."

quote:

If you're into public play, do you feel 'better' or 'worse' depending on whether anyone else posts that they are or are not into public play?

You either like it or don't, or have opportunities or don't if you do like it. I don't measure myself by what people I don't know think about what I like.

quote:

When -- if ever -- have you changed your mind about something in D/s because of approval or disapproval from a member here?

I think once or twice; I have found people who I feel are genuine in their expression of their experiences, and I have engaged them in conversations about something they've talked about doing that has been on a 'no' list of mine. I have learned to trust their judgement and have allowed their experiences to influence my own. But that's been an extreamly rare case and I have done a lot of communicating with the person and asked a boatload of questions and have 'researched' the topic with them at some length.

PL

< Message edited by ProtagonistLily -- 7/4/2008 6:58:54 AM >

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Post #: 49

RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? - 7/4/2008 7:48:50 AM

eyesopened

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Joined: 6/12/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

The only approval I NEED is my own. Much about my journey, such as claiming the title of Master for myself, have been about my own self approval. Do I want the approval of my friends and those I admire? Sure. But I don't NEED it.

Master Fire

Exactly! Even as an owned slave the approval i need, is my own. i enjoy the approval of my Master, and yet i know if i did not have my own approval, He would not be approving, if that makes any sense. It is my sense of self-worth that is attractive to my Master.

Of course it's nice to be validated but approval from strangers on a message board has very little meaning. However, even snarky responses can be educating and i value learning about myself, about others' opinions even if they don't agree with my own. How boring life would be if everyone agreed with everything!

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RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? - 7/6/2008 7:39:14 PM

greenearth21

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quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

This whole board made me wonder about this question:

How much approval do you need?

If you're 'new' to D/s, do you feel when another member criticizes you, you should always consider what they've said?

If you're 'experienced' at D/s, do you feel 'better' when someone agrees with you? Worse when someone doesn't?

If you're into public play, do you feel 'better' or 'worse' depending on whether anyone else posts that they are or are not into public play?

When -- if ever -- have you changed your mind about something in D/s because of approval or disapproval from a member here?

candystripper

I dont feel that I need anyone's approval and i don tthink anyone (should) need my approval. As long as they are comfortable with who they are, or what they are saying then more power to them. When criticized....I look at the critic and what they have to say, i reflect on it and if it sheds some light on thematter that I genuinely serves a purpose to me, then I apply it. If the critic and/or what they say has no significance to the issue at hand...then why bother? Whether its agreement or disagreement, I welcome, I'm open to and enjoy all sensible discussions/views/criticism.

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RE: How Much Approval Do You Need? - 7/6/2008 8:52:29 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
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i need a lot of approval. i like to think i have a idea of what approval has value and what doesn't, but i could be off. But the "I Am A Rock" gig has me worn the hell outs. Tell me how great i am!