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The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 6/30/2008 7:21:07 PM

Untouched1282

Posts: 142
Joined: 2/12/2008
Status: offline

(Yes, it's another set of UNTOUCHED questions)

Can you see yourself falling in love with someone outside The Lifestyle? Do you think you could be with someone who objected to The Lifestyle? Would you, could you and/or do you distance your romatnic life from your "kink? Heck, do you consider your BDSM interactions, your kinks, to be part of your sex life? If not, could/do you take on the opposite role in your vanilla goings on?

Just a few random questions. Sorry!

Post #: 1

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 6/30/2008 9:04:19 PM

MistressSybella

Posts: 163
Joined: 9/14/2004
Status: offline

I couldn't see myself ever being with someone who didn't accept the lifestyle because it is a big part of who I am. The two go together, as a packaged deal. In order to be with me, they have to accept me for who and what I am. Just as a slave needs an owner, I have a need to own human property.

On the other hand, I don't expect a mate to want to participate in every area but I do expect them to be fully accepting of the lifestyle.

I have heard countless stories about submissives who lost their dominant because she wanted to get married, because she went "vanilla." I cannot see how anyone would be happy lying to themselves, their new partner, or living a half life. Trying to live like that doesn't make sense to me.

_____________________________

Miss 'Bella

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 2

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 6/30/2008 9:14:58 PM

Skully7000

Posts: 377
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Untouched1282

(Yes, it's another set of UNTOUCHED questions)

Can you see yourself falling in love with someone outside The Lifestyle?
Yes

Do you think you could be with someone who objected to The Lifestyle?
They can object to it all they want, they don't have to participate in it..but me I'm Poly...that isn't going to change and if they can't handle me going and getting my Kink fulfilled somewhere else then they are not the person for me. not to mention that they would have to be a pretty spectactular person for me to be with when they don't have any involvment and/or objected to the scene anyway.

Would you, could you and/or do you distance your romatnic life from your "kink?
maybe, yes, depends on the relationship
Heck, do you consider your BDSM interactions, your kinks, to be part of your sex life?
depends on who i'm talking to... but yes I consider "BDSM" in the same category as sex....both are erotic based activities. so unless i'm being overly specific it all gets summed up as my "sex life" ...the context of my relationships are set on a case by case basis and change over time.

If not, could/do you take on the opposite role in your vanilla goings on?
?and here is where you lost me? if my kinks are not part of my sex life then i'm in a vanilla relationship..then what opposite role are you talking about...

Just a few random questions. Sorry!

No prob.

Cheers
Skully

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 3

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 6/30/2008 9:31:30 PM

Untouched1282

Posts: 142
Joined: 2/12/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Skully7000
If not, could/do you take on the opposite role in your vanilla goings on?
?and here is where you lost me? if my kinks are not part of my sex life then i'm in a vanilla relationship..then what opposite role are you talking about...

Basically, could a sub/Dom[me] in The Lifestyle see themselves being more more dominant/submissive in a romantic setting. We've all heard the stories about the secretly submissive CEOs and the unleashed secretaries. However, I've never read anything about a seemingly domineering husband/wife or passive spouse deciding to take on a different role with the realm of The Dungeon.

I apologize for not phrasing this clearly : / I'm generally a decent writer LOL

(in reply to Skully7000)

Post #: 4

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 6/30/2008 10:00:11 PM

Reigna

Posts: 334
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

Can you see yourself falling in love with someone outside The Lifestyle?

No. Not to say I've never played casually, but when I begin to form strong emotional bonds with another adult, we are lovers; and for me, BDSM and sex are inextricable. So the question doesn't even really make sense to me. I can't imagine falling in love with someone I can't enjoy sexually. I did that once or twice when I was a pup, and I'll never do it again. Blech. (Yes, I think we can exercise a significant amount of control over whom we fall in love with.)

Do you think you could be with someone who objected to The Lifestyle? Would you, could you and/or do you distance your romatnic life from your "kink?

See above.

Heck, do you consider your BDSM interactions, your kinks, to be part of your sex life?

Absolutely. BDSM is how I express myself sexually. For me, there is no such thing as sex without BDSM, and vice versa.

If not, could/do you take on the opposite role in your vanilla goings on?

Nope. Another firm BLECH.

< Message edited by Reigna -- 6/30/2008 10:02:17 PM >

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 5

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 6/30/2008 10:11:41 PM

Reigna

Posts: 334
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSybella
I have heard countless stories about submissives who lost their dominant because she wanted to get married, because she went "vanilla." I cannot see how anyone would be happy lying to themselves, their new partner, or living a half life. Trying to live like that doesn't make sense to me.

I really hate hearing about a kinksters getting all googly-eyed over a vanilla, and then making commitments while swearing up and down it'll all work out in the end. Because they can quit BDSM any time, doncha know. They often end up as cheaters (as distinct from poly folk) with vanilla spouses who don't know about their partners' BDSM activities.

< Message edited by Reigna -- 6/30/2008 10:13:34 PM >

(in reply to MistressSybella)

Post #: 6

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 6/30/2008 10:16:11 PM

pagankinktress

Posts: 80
Joined: 8/12/2007
Status: offline

Heh heh... I like the clever way you titled this post!

To answer your questions, I've had loving relationships in the past with people not into BDSM, or at least were only mildly interested in kink. And I don't regret a thing about those relationships; each has helped me to learn something more about who I am and who I want to be. Granted, at the time, I myself didn't quite comprehend the full realm of what encompasses BDSM (and I still wouldn't claim that I have such an understanding), so I can't honestly say I felt lack of BDSM practice was an issue I could point to and say, "There--*that's* the reason the relationship didn't work".

Could I be with someone who didn't accept my inclinations? At this point in time, I'd have to say, probably not. I'm at a place in my life right now where it's important for me to reconcile what I desire and how it fits into my existence. Is BDSM everything to me? Not at all. But it's become a large part of my identity...sexually and psychologically speaking. So it wouldn't be fair to me or to someone else to keep that at a distance in an intimate relationship.

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't *ever* about the sex or the rush that comes from an erotically charged power exchange. But like I said, this has become more significant to me in terms of how I view myself as a woman and a person.

Hope these insights are useful. :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Untouched1282

(Yes, it's another set of UNTOUCHED questions)

Can you see yourself falling in love with someone outside The Lifestyle? Do you think you could be with someone who objected to The Lifestyle? Would you, could you and/or do you distance your romatnic life from your "kink? Heck, do you consider your BDSM interactions, your kinks, to be part of your sex life? If not, could/do you take on the opposite role in your vanilla goings on?

Just a few random questions. Sorry!

_____________________________

~ Ivy

My Blog: http://www.bohemianrhapsodize.com/
http://twitter.com/pagankinktress

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 7

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 6/30/2008 10:18:19 PM

Skully7000

Posts: 377
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Untouched1282

quote:

ORIGINAL: Skully7000
If not, could/do you take on the opposite role in your vanilla goings on?
?and here is where you lost me? if my kinks are not part of my sex life then i'm in a vanilla relationship..then what opposite role are you talking about...

Basically, could a sub/Dom[me] in The Lifestyle see themselves being more more dominant/submissive in a romantic setting. We've all heard the stories about the secretly submissive CEOs and the unleashed secretaries. However, I've never read anything about a seemingly domineering husband/wife or passive spouse deciding to take on a different role with the realm of The Dungeon.

I apologize for not phrasing this clearly : / I'm generally a decent writer LOL

all's fair in love and war. their are plenty of pro-dommes who submit to their dom/master in their private life...and plenty of Subs who find that one person who they enjoy dominating... it happens... its not a rule..its not regulated to female or male top or bottom.. its all about the chemistry between two people... My girlfriend is very adiment that she does not consider herself a Switch... she considers her self a Dominant women who found a Master. she hated the fact that she wanted to submit to him... she hated the fact that she yearned for his rule... years later she has signed her contract in blood and will never take off that collar. She does not submit to me...(we are equals) she is Dominant to everyone else.

I'm sure someone will have a better more insightful response but I hope this helps... I just happen to have a very broad hedonistic view on things... don't limit yourself, listen to your gut. have be ethical have respect and be honest...but with that said...if it feels good Go for it!

Cheers
Skully

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 8

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 6/30/2008 10:32:48 PM

wolf3

Posts: 6
Joined: 9/13/2007
Status: offline

Interesting questions. Ideally I'd want my romantic and kink life to be one and the same. I can't imagine being with someone romantically who didn't at least understand my desires in terms of kink. That's been a part of me for nearly as long as I can remember. Personally I'd want to try to fulfill any sexual/kink related desires in a partner that I could (if I don't object to it for some reason), even if it doesn't do anything for me directly.

I think I generally agree with Reigna's post above mine, although I don't think they have to be 100% intertwined for me, and I don't have to have a partner that's completely on the same wavelength in that regard, as long as they're accepting and hopefully willing to play sometimes...

< Message edited by wolf3 -- 6/30/2008 10:36:35 PM >

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 9

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 7/1/2008 12:44:04 AM

SpiderInWaiting

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/17/2005
Status: offline

I could fall in love with someone outside of the lifestyle but getting into any sort of vanilla relationship would be a big huge mistake and since I know better than to do vanilla relationships it would also be irresponsible on my part. Love is nice but it's not the only thing that makes relationships work. Like many in the bdsm lifestyle I have had my share of failed vanilla relationships. I personally get very tense when I don't get regular service from a slave. I get increasingly aggitated and less patient with relationship issues and this on top of trying to be someone I am not in a vanilla relationship will ultimately cause it to fail.

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 10

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 7/1/2008 7:30:03 AM

HarryVanWinkle

Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline

No
No
No
Yes
No

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 11

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 7/1/2008 7:50:22 AM

SunNMoon

Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Untouched1282

(Yes, it's another set of UNTOUCHED questions)

Can you see yourself falling in love with someone outside The Lifestyle?
Yes, I have. Through I don't really see myself as "lifestyle" and he ended up playing with me.

Do you think you could be with someone who objected to The Lifestyle?
Nope. For the reason listed below. Through mainly due to the fact that I don't see it as morally worng or anything, ie I'm here and I couldn't be with someone that did.

Would you, could you and/or do you distance your romatnic life from your "kink?
Nope it's the same thing for me. But then again my kink and romantic relationships seem to go pretty nicely together. Plus my desire for a ds relationship works well with my ideal of a romantic relationship.

Heck, do you consider your BDSM interactions, your kinks, to be part of your sex life?
Yes. Not my whole sex life but part of it yes.

If not, could/do you take on the opposite role in your vanilla goings on?
To some degree I do. But then again I'm not the boss.

_____________________________

"We agreed to S&M only, sex and mockery." - Gray’s Anatomy.

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 12

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 7/1/2008 9:02:59 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Untouched1282

(Yes, it's another set of UNTOUCHED questions)

Can you see yourself falling in love with someone outside The Lifestyle? Do you think you could be with someone who objected to The Lifestyle? Would you, could you and/or do you distance your romatnic life from your "kink? Heck, do you consider your BDSM interactions, your kinks, to be part of your sex life? If not, could/do you take on the opposite role in your vanilla goings on?

Just a few random questions. Sorry!

I got married to a guy who was vanilla because I wasn't aware I could practice what was in my head. I got REALLY lucky that he took to it. I don't know that I could have made it long-term if he hadn't (although I certainly didn't say that at the time, talk about pressure!) I am entirely a dominant female. I checked. I would not have a vanilla relationship by choice.

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 13

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 7/1/2008 11:49:32 AM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

I can and did fall in love with a vanilla man. We've been (mostly) happily married for 22 years. He does not tollerate anything that hurts. (That's why I have subs!) As for 'switching' for him... some would say that I do. I do things for my husband in the bedroom that sure wouldn't do for anyone else. He's the only one allowed to 'manhandle' me. He can pick me up, throw me down, hold his hands on my throat, have anal sex with me, twist me into uncomfortable possitions, slap my butt and do other assorted things that would be considered 'Dominant' actions. I enjoy it when HE does it. No way in hell I would allow that from anyone else. So, yes, in this ONE case, I seperate my BDSM life from my romantic life.

As to how this flows into my main stream life? My 'vanilla' husband makes toys for me to use on my boys. How cool is that?

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 14

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 7/1/2008 12:54:20 PM

Reform

Posts: 151
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline

Can you see yourself falling in love with someone outside The Lifestyle?
Yes. In fact I did.

Do you think you could be with someone who objected to The Lifestyle?
Outright object? Like they thought it was sin, that I was crazy, and going to hell? No, I couldn't be with that person.

Would you, could you and/or do you distance your romatnic life from your "kink?
Yes. My boy and I are very vanilla romantically, however I'm still very submissive and kinky.

Heck, do you consider your BDSM interactions, your kinks, to be part of your sex life?
Yes. For me BDSM is about pleasure and sex. Pleasure doesn't have to be physical, that's for sure, but it's still included in "sex life."

If not, could/do you take on the opposite role in your vanilla goings on?
Just because I'm a sub doesn't mean I'm not a dominat person. I'm a very dominat person normally, but when it's BDSM time all I want to do is please.

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 15

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 7/2/2008 1:55:15 AM

HardToTame

Posts: 205
Joined: 3/30/2008
Status: offline

I like how Reform thinks. I pretty much have to agree with everything you've said.

My girlfriend isn't into it. But we have sex that would make the BDSM community look like a bunch of, well... Years ago I'd of compared it to priests, but by the sounds of alot of people here even the priests seem to be getting more sex than the "Theres so much more to BDSM than sexual gratification" posse.

Anyways, vanillas, well... Vanilla doesn't mean 'Boring' in my books. I have as many 'Vanilla' fantasies as I do Bdsm ones. Thats where some people differ. I care more about my life (and hers) than I do about the fetish. I control the fetish, it doesn't control me, and thus, I am able to decide that right now, this wonderful woman in my life takes priority more than my sick perverted fetishes do. I live to make people happy. In fantasy, and in reality. ... You life style guys want to talk about 'the ultimate sacrifice' well try putting your fetish aside for someone you love. Try giving it up for them. THAT'S sacrifice. THAT'S submission. By doing it this way, I submit only the parts that a man SHOULD submit. Ie: His heart. Theres a line where a man has to retain his dignity, otherwise I don't think he's WORTHY to serve these chicks with whips. Beggars can't be choosers. If you don't have a choice then you can't choose the right ones.

(in reply to Reform)

Post #: 16

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 7/2/2008 2:13:18 AM

SurrenderForMe

Posts: 229
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

First, you are too cute to be a virgin. Go out and party.

quote:

Can you see yourself falling in love with someone outside The Lifestyle? Do you think you could be with someone who objected to The Lifestyle? Would you, could you and/or do you distance your romatnic life from your "kink? Heck, do you consider your BDSM interactions, your kinks, to be part of your sex life? If not, could/do you take on the opposite role in your vanilla goings on?

Most of my initial relationships were with someone outside the lifestyle. The lifestyle is what you make it. It is a concept.

I might have had issues with people objecting to the lifestyle if I had presented it that way. I didn't and don't. I meet someone, we get to know each other. Part of what they find out is that I take control, like to do kinky things and that it is fun. What I learn is, how far I can take it with that person.

Can't distance myself from myself.

I am kinky, therefore I do kinky stuff. In and out of bed. I get turned on when someone submits, lets me hurt them, does something spontaneously for me. Note the does something spontaneous. Someone not immersed in the vernacular would just think they did something nice. My perspective takes it and provides satisfaction (small) to me.

Since I am very interactive, oral sex is an issue. In order for most subs to perform oral sex to orgasm, they need to be aggressive. Taking this out of the lifestyle, if someone services me and is aggressive, others might think I was submitting. I'm not, but that is my perspective. Mainstream activity, with potential to be viewed as role reversal. I see it as a sub who is doing what they should do, please me.

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 17

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 7/2/2008 3:49:08 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Untouched1282

(Yes, it's another set of UNTOUCHED questions)

Can you see yourself falling in love with someone outside The Lifestyle?

No.

quote:

Do you think you could be with someone who objected to The Lifestyle?

Absolutely not.

quote:

Would you, could you and/or do you distance your romatnic life from your "kink?

Yes; I could have a relationship with someone else in the lifestyle that was based on romance and not kink.

quote:

Heck, do you consider your BDSM interactions, your kinks, to be part of your sex life?

They are not necessarily part of my sex life, but I'd prefer that they be.

quote:

If not, could/do you take on the opposite role in your vanilla goings on?

I'm not entirely sure I understand what this means. If you're asking if I could be submissive in a romantic vanilla relationship, then answer is no. I will no longer be submissive in a romantic relationship and neither will I have a romantic relationship with somoene vanilla.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 18

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 7/2/2008 9:49:02 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I guess it's possible that I fall for someone vanilla, but they would have to be very accepting of my kink. Since I don't date vanilla, I am not sure how that would transpire!

My dominance is not sexually based. I can find the rush sexually exciting, but my fetish is obedience, and I don't need sex to get that. I could have a romance with someone in the kink world that I was not dominating, certainly.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 19

RE: The Annals (I said ANNALS!) of BDSM Love. - 7/2/2008 7:55:45 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Untouched1282
Can you see yourself falling in love with someone outside The Lifestyle? Do you think you could be with someone who objected to The Lifestyle? Would you, could you and/or do you distance your romatnic life from your "kink? Heck, do you consider your BDSM interactions, your kinks, to be part of your sex life? If not, could/do you take on the opposite role in your vanilla goings on?

I have felt strong attraction for someone outside the lifestyle before and I imagine it could happen again. I am unlikely to pursue it. I have not responded to opportunities for romance with vanilla women in recent years. I am not sure how much this statement is a case of easier said than done.

I don't think I could be with someone who objected to BDSM entirely.

I can but do not distance my romantic life from kink. That is, I have experienced and can enjoy a BDSM relationship that is non-romantic (a submissive relationship with a gay woman, for example). However, I see such a relationship to be non-exclusive, or one not long-term. I consider my romantic relationships to be intertwined with BDSM.

I do consider BDSM to be part of my sexual and romantic expression. Some of my submissive drives stem from masochism which does not align so well with romance. Some of my submissive drives stem from service and adoration, which does align well with romance. I consider the masochistic part of my submission to be more sexual, and the service and adoration part of my submission to be more romantic and spiritual. Regardless of which mode I express and whether a relationship has a romantic or sexual component to it or not, my interest to submit is tied to adequate attraction.

Generally speaking, the possibilities for relationships are many. One could have a romantic BDSM relationship with a domme. One could have a romantic relationship (with or without BDSM aspects) with a switch or a sub and submit, perhaps as a couple, to a domme in a non-romantic manner. One could have a romantic relationship with a vanilla woman that fulfills romantic submission, and be content in that alone or seek masochistic fulfillment elsewhere.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 20

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