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Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 2:08:42 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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Ok, so today I had a situation arise, and, while I handled it, I'm curious about others' experiences.

This afternoon, I had this absolutely sweet man that I've had some nice conversations with, and been somewhat friendly with at work, ask me out. He is a quiet, gentle man, and very vanilla (our conversations have, over the past 5 years, explored the fringes of things... so yes, I'm sure that he's vanilla). I was honored by his asking me out, but I had to turn him down, and the phrase that first came to my mind (though I didn't say it because I didn't want him to take it the wrong way) was "I don't date out of my species." I know he would have taken that as an insult against him, but it wasn't the way that I meant it, so I revised it to "I'm sorry, dear... I don't date humans", and laughed (and ended up explaining something completely irrelevant... that I am already in a committed same-gender relationship... it isn't relevant because we're poly, but it worked as an explanation that wouldn't hurt his feelings). Today was the first time I'd experienced being asked out by a vanilla in a while, and I was surprised to find that I really consider myself something different than the basic vanilla human... that the extra spice in my life (especially at the level that I enjoy it) has changed me so much that I don't really know what I would do on a date with someone that I couldn't share this part of my life with (whether or not I was going to play with them).

So here's my question... how many of you have turned down dates with a 'vanilla' because you felt that the BDSM aspects of your life almost made human vanillas another species?

Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

Post #: 1

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 2:16:39 PM

TheGaggingWh0re

Posts: 222
Joined: 1/19/2006
Status: offline

Oh gosh. I feel so bad when I used to turn people down because of the same facts. What is worse is that I have such a strong personality that often the men attracted to me are, for the most part, very submissive in their general nature.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 2

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 2:17:27 PM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

I wouldn't go that far, but I don't date non-kinked folk for the simple reason that we are automatically sexually incompatible.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 3

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 2:19:15 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

I lived in Utah for 2 years before I met my wife and althought I did date Vanilla women I had to turn many down. On the outside I am a very thoughtful and normal guy I am kind and respectful and like to talk and pass the time with anyone and am very easy to talk to so I was ofetn introduced to the neighbors Neices or Daughters and I went on dates with them at first but not being LDS I found first off that what they call dating and what I call dating is a VERY DIFFERENT THING.

I stopped accepting invitations and started only dating Non-LDS Vanilla Woman and this worked out for short bursts because eventually the Newness wears off and you find that You are STILL you and they are still NOT what you want.

I found the best way to let them down easy is to inform then that you are not who they think you are and then to tell them it would be a shame to have to break thier heart when I want more from them then they could be willing to give and for the most part it has worked they get frustrated but they don't usually ask questions and if they do it is usually something to do with "Well how do you know?" to which I say I don't really know but I have a feeling and if you want to get to know me better that's fine but lets do so as friends and see where that goes.

Oddly enough within the first week of being with andi I told her about my involvment in BDSM and she handled it well and so I married the girl.

Steel

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Post #: 4

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 2:20:55 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

Thats what keeps me from....dating...

Although...

I can see that changing...

Some...

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 5

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 2:21:52 PM

lronitulstahp

Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline

Dammit...you're in Houston. After i perved your profile, and saw he liked 'em Rubenesque

If this was a dude in Florida, i'd soooo be asking for his number...
~chubby tulip

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Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

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Post #: 6

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 2:25:15 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

greetings calla firestorm,

this is always interesting for me because most of the people who are in my dating pool at the moment either are vanilla, or if they are interested in bdsm, have very little idea of what it is or how to go about it. because of this, with one exception (in which case i'm really seeking someone who isn't vanilla), most of the outside relationships (we are poly as well) are with people who are varying levels of vanilla and as much as i'd like to look at the secondary relationships as being long-term, i've learned to accept that they probably won't be - and that there is still so much i can gain from them despite that. but in terms of long-term commitment for a primary relationship...i just can't see myself being with someone who is vanilla.

respectfully,
a'ishah.

_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 7

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 2:47:50 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
So here's my question... how many of you have turned down dates with a 'vanilla' because you felt that the BDSM aspects of your life almost made human vanillas another species?

Firestorm

I have turned down people who are not compatable with me full stop. I don't see so-called 'vanilla' as a different species, just on a different part of the line to me, just like many people are.

the.dark.

_____________________________

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Post #: 8

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 4:17:45 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I love these comparisons because my relationship with my partner IS vanilla based. I reject people for lots of reasons. Instead of vanillas seeming like another species, it's smokers, or people who don't get the difference between play and relationship dynamics, or people who want monogamy.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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Post #: 9

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 4:54:56 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I love these comparisons because my relationship with my partner IS vanilla based. I reject people for lots of reasons. Instead of vanillas seeming like another species, it's smokers, or people who don't get the difference between play and relationship dynamics, or people who want monogamy.

I hear what you're saying -- I guess I have all of those (except the smoking part -- one of my companions smokes), plus, as my poor, dear, ex-husband would say, I chew nice guys up and spit them out. I know I'm the beast... and I like it that way. There's nothing wrong with being human, but I think I've known for a while that what I am isn't happy without the bitch, the flame and the blood --

Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 10

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 4:57:51 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

i have never had the situation arise, but i would.

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Post #: 11

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 5:12:21 PM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline

i know what you mean about the 'different species' thing, but then ive always felt that way towards men..

-

seriously though, mostly for me it feels like a soft barrier, nothing i would wish to push through and go back to, happy where i am. but when ive been asked in the past ive told them that i was probably too kinky - which on the whole, got quite a good reaction, which used to surprise me, but not anymore. vanilla men are kinky as hell, but not in a D/s way, which is where im at.

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Post #: 12

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 5:16:29 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

i know what you mean about the 'different species' thing, but then ive always felt that way towards men.. -

seriously though, mostly for me it feels like a soft barrier, nothing i would wish to push through and go back to, happy where i am. but when ive been asked in the past ive told them that i was probably too kinky - which on the whole, got quite a good reaction, which used to surprise me, but not anymore. vanilla men are kinky as hell, but not in a D/s way, which is where im at.

Yeah, discussions about scrotum piercing usually weed out the "kinky but not kinky enough" crowd. *chuckles*

Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to lally3)

Post #: 13

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 5:25:48 PM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

i know what you mean about the 'different species' thing, but then ive always felt that way towards men.. -

seriously though, mostly for me it feels like a soft barrier, nothing i would wish to push through and go back to, happy where i am. but when ive been asked in the past ive told them that i was probably too kinky - which on the whole, got quite a good reaction, which used to surprise me, but not anymore. vanilla men are kinky as hell, but not in a D/s way, which is where im at.

Yeah, discussions about scrotum piercing usually weed out the "kinky but not kinky enough" crowd. *chuckles*

Firestorm

... id think that sort of discussion would send them so far up inside theyd be spitting sperm!

thanks for the laugh.

edited for anatomical reasons

< Message edited by lally3 -- 7/3/2008 5:35:49 PM >

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even doves have pride (Prince)

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Post #: 14

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 5:26:09 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
Yeah, discussions about scrotum piercing usually weed out the "kinky but not kinky enough" crowd. *chuckles*

Firestorm

well said! LOL.

_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 15

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 5:54:54 PM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

quote:

So here's my question... how many of you have turned down dates with a 'vanilla' because you felt that the BDSM aspects of your life almost made human vanillas another species?

I can kind of relate to this. Would have to add though that i have turned down 'dates' with BDSM folk too because i think they are a different 'species' to me.

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If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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Post #: 16

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 6:56:17 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

Definately don't see them as another species. Just people I wouldn't want as primary partner, the same way I wouldn't want someone who thinks either gender is better than the other. Except that I'd be willing to have a non-BDSM partner who wasn't my primary.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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Post #: 17

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/3/2008 7:07:27 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

My kink isn't my life. Actually, I don't define my interests as kink. I'm just a dominant woman.

People I view as a different species to myself are those who harm um's, serial killers, etc.

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Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

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Post #: 18

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/4/2008 12:20:53 PM

ponyboyachilles

Posts: 27
Joined: 3/14/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

Ok, so today I had a situation arise, and, while I handled it, I'm curious about others' experiences.

This afternoon, I had this absolutely sweet man that I've had some nice conversations with, and been somewhat friendly with at work, ask me out. He is a quiet, gentle man, and very vanilla (our conversations have, over the past 5 years, explored the fringes of things... so yes, I'm sure that he's vanilla). I was honored by his asking me out, but I had to turn him down, and the phrase that first came to my mind (though I didn't say it because I didn't want him to take it the wrong way) was "I don't date out of my species." I know he would have taken that as an insult against him, but it wasn't the way that I meant it, so I revised it to "I'm sorry, dear... I don't date humans", and laughed (and ended up explaining something completely irrelevant... that I am already in a committed same-gender relationship... it isn't relevant because we're poly, but it worked as an explanation that wouldn't hurt his feelings). Today was the first time I'd experienced being asked out by a vanilla in a while, and I was surprised to find that I really consider myself something different than the basic vanilla human... that the extra spice in my life (especially at the level that I enjoy it) has changed me so much that I don't really know what I would do on a date with someone that I couldn't share this part of my life with (whether or not I was going to play with them).

So here's my question... how many of you have turned down dates with a 'vanilla' because you felt that the BDSM aspects of your life almost made human vanillas another species?

Firestorm

I have shied away from vanilla relationships ever since I "came out" about my kinkyness (only in the BDSM community - I still maintain many vanilla friendships with no knowledge of my kink). I am currently stuck in a vanilla because I spotted a pair of handcuff trinkets on her leather jacket on our first date, commented that I was "into the bondage thing, you know" and got a response that she was OK with it. We subsequently hit it off well, and are still together. But while we have, in the following two years we've been together, experimented with vaguely kinky scenes (I joke about it with her and she gets my jokes, and she once let me tie her up with silk scarves - very unsatisfying, especially when she got a cramp right in the middle of the best fuck I'd ever had with her and I had to pull out RIGHT NOW and frantically untie her), she has turned out to be depressing vanilla in the end, and I am now thinking almost constantly about how I might end it without causing her tremendous emotional pain, and also about how my relationship with my Mistress might be progressing much more satisfyingly if I were not still stuck in a vanilla that I cant get out of easily. My advice to anyone is, DONT DO IT! Only start a relationship with another kinkster! If you happen to find yourself attracted to a nilla, make sure you get it out in the open before you commit to any kind of sexual relationship, or you will regret it.

_____________________________

--
lifestyle ponyboy in training to the wondrous Mistress Nicolette

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 19

RE: Vanilla... so sweet, but not for me. - 7/4/2008 2:37:24 PM

bipolarber

Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline

Nah... just because I enjoy gormet food, doesn't mean I won't eat at an "I-Hop" if I'm really hungry... It really comes down to if I'm really attracted to someone or not.

Would I say "no" to someone who has a differnt religion?
Would I say "no" to someone of a different race?

Generally, no. I don't look on vanilla as a seperate species... and sometimes, those mixed dates can lead to some interesting conversations... and occasionally I'll find out my date is a lot less "vanilla" than they thought they were.

(in reply to ponyboyachilles)

Post #: 20

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