When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (Full Version)

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WhatUrSeeking -> When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/3/2008 8:15:48 PM)

This post does not apply very well to those already in committed 24/7 relationships. Their relationship with money has already been decided. It applies most to new relationships that may become D/s but begin vanilla.

Once upon a time in a time not so far away men earned money and women were homemakers. At this time men bought everything for women and men who could provide more did. Now we live in a society where men and women earn almost the same amount of income. There is still however a societal norm that says men pay for things like dinner and entertainment. To do so all the time would not be equitable and seems rather submissive. Being able to feels good and often can be a dominant position. Buying a girl a nice dinner, wine, and entertainment can trigger instinctual thoughts in her mind of finding someone who can provide. Less so now that it is a norm. Never doing so can look like you are just broke.

In going to nightclubs, and especially while living in Vegas, I noticed that men at clubs often buy women drinks. So much so that I have met girls that regularly go to the clubs and never pay for their own drinks. Some of these girls would complain that the men seemed to stalk them after buying them a drink. The men would buy a drink and think they are buying the girls time for an initial conversation. Many of the girls just think they are getting a free drink. I have even had girls approach me and ask me if I wanted to buy them a drink. To this I simply reply no and chuckle, or no but would you like to buy me a drink. I have come up with some more creative answers to this now. At the same time if the girl truly is spending the evening with you then buying bottle service or the occasional drink becomes much more reasonable and makes one feel like a gentlemen.

Buying a submissive a collar that they will wear is far on the side of using money in a dominant way. I would say that buying your submissive some sexy outfit and telling them that they are to be wearing it, including the butt plug, when you return also falls on the side of using money in a dominant way.

Taking this outside of sex. If you are interviewing with a company and they pay for a flight to visit the company, a nice hotel room, a limo, and a nice dinner with them, they are certainly not taking a submissive position. In fact I would argue they are taking the Dominant position in that the goal is to win the best candidates. If the competing company did not do this or only did half of this then they will have a harder time winning the candidate, because they are giving the perception that they will not provide as good of a lifestyle. In the role of provider men have taken this approach in the past. Usually men are still the main provider in a household, but this is not always the case, and the question has become much more grey.

While my discussion has revolved around basics like food, beverage, and to some extent clothing I am sure there are many more examples that people could think of.
It seems money can be used in both a Dominant and submissive way. Any thoughts.



Leatherist -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/3/2008 8:19:53 PM)

Shrugs...it depends on the intent. Nice people give it to feel good-parasites demand it, and call you inferior if you choose not to.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/3/2008 8:34:51 PM)

I make more than Fox, less than Angel. I buy dinner for both, often. We take turns paying, when we can becasue they do not like me spending on them all the time. I buy them both clothes I like seeing them in. Fox buys me little gifts, kicks in for groceries and bills and will soon be sharing the rent when he lives here. Angel takes me places rather than spending money on things. Angel has bought me clothes he would like to see me in, and Fox has plans on doing the same.
I dont see any of it as Dominant or Submissive. It just is the way things are done. And even though we are in commited relationships, we are all financilaly independant of one another, I do not control their money any more than they control mine.

DV



NumberSix -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/3/2008 8:37:13 PM)

buying blowjobs at a quarter apiece is dominant, at a dollar; submissive.

6



MsStarlett -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/3/2008 8:44:49 PM)

If I pay for things, it is Dominant because I'm taking care of my boy.  If I tell him to buy something for me, he is being submissive when he does it.  All other instances are just two people trying to be fair about the cost of living.



WhatUrSeeking -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/3/2008 8:54:39 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NumberSix

buying blowjobs at a quarter apiece is dominant, at a dollar; submissive.

6


That's hilarious!!!!



CalifChick -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/3/2008 8:56:38 PM)

I consider dominance and submission as an orientation similar to the way heterosexual is an orientation.  I don't attribute orientations to activities.

Cali



WhatUrSeeking -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/3/2008 9:10:43 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MsStarlett

If I pay for things, it is Dominant because I'm taking care of my boy.  If I tell him to buy something for me, he is being submissive when he does it.  All other instances are just two people trying to be fair about the cost of living.


I like this answer. In many ways it is in the attitude and perceptions when purchases are made. Then again most of the time it is just neutral cost of living stuff.

I still think that money can be a powerful thing, and that where there is power there is potential for Domination and submission. Used successfully it could be a way to establish dominance long before the other person realizes they are entering a Dom / sub relationship.

The prince, the gentleman, and the successful business man are all included as the man the women fall for in movies and t.v. shows. They all have a Dominant roll in the relationship and part of this is to do with their use of money.

The prostitute that was mentioned is also interesting. Both parties use each other. Who uses the other more? It depends. As with the other question maybe it is mostly in the attitude, the way it is done, and the perceptions of the parties involved at the time of purchase.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/4/2008 1:24:30 AM)

We live in a capitalist society. S/He who controls the money dominates...even if s/he has assigned the accounting to the slave. ;-)

Master Fire



candystripper -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/4/2008 1:35:59 AM)

Well, I don't analyze the entire world through a D/s lens (though maybe that would help).
 
My most significant reaction to what you've said is that money is an issue for dating couples, right from the start.
 
When I meet a Dom for the first time, it is always in a resturant of some sort, so there is alway a bill.  I usually ask 'may I leave the tip?' as it is annoying to fight over the bill.
 
Before I allow a relationship to become exclusive, I discuss my attitudes about money.  I expect him to tell me what his attitudes are as well.  Where they do not match, I expect negotiation to occur until a comfort zone has been broadly described for both people.
 
I would never accept a collar unless I trusted that my Dom knew and honored my attitudes about money.  My ability to provide for myself now and in the future is non-negotiable.
 
candystripper



missturbation -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/4/2008 2:14:25 AM)

quote:

It seems money can be used in both a Dominant and submissive way. Any thoughts.

Of course, most anything can be done in a dominant or submmissive way.
I just can't see how a Dom who pays could be looked at as submissive with money, he is still a Dom and vice versa.



Maya2001 -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/4/2008 2:29:29 AM)

If someone asks me  to go out and meet for coffee then I would expect them to pay ..if I ask... I pay..if they pick the location it is my responsibility to pay the expense of getting there and vice versa.  If a dom decides to fly here to meet me they pay their own way unless it is agreed that they will stay at my home they will pay for their own lodging , if I accept them into my home then I become the host so it become my responsibility to to ensure they are fed  whether I prepare myself or take them out to eat and have a place to sleep and provide the entertainment.... I have my own sexy outfits ...if they want me wearing something other than what I already have ..then it would be up to them to provide..same with gear/toys I have my own collection if they comes here to play they can use my collection but if they feel it is lacking than they can purchase or bring along their own .. when I meet with them at their location they can request I bring along some of my gear but anything else they want to play with then they must provide.   I do not view purchases or expenditures as being dominant or submissive..I view it more in terms of common etiquette.



RavenMuse -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/4/2008 4:04:12 AM)

This old chestnut again.... there isn't such a thing as a dominant action.... it is the mindset, the WHY of it being done rather than the action itself.

Apart from one item in your post, which I see as being an exception... but that again isn't about the action, rather the protocol...the collar that will go around her neck is Mine and I will choose and pay for it. Otherwise she gets to pay for what I allow her to pay for, I will pay for what I decide to pay for. Which makes her perchases always submissive, and Mine... for the context of this thread, always the Dominant ones.



Owner4SexSlave -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/4/2008 4:13:56 AM)

I'll let you know after I get done figuring out if my brand of toothpaste is more D or s type in it's nature... 



pettingdragons -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/4/2008 4:31:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NumberSix

buying blowjobs at a quarter apiece is dominant, at a dollar; submissive.

6


[sm=LMAO.gif]

and seeing the look on his face when he cums priceless.......



pettingdragons -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/4/2008 4:35:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

Well, I don't analyze the entire world through a D/s lens (though maybe that would help).
 


Everything can be veiwed through a D/s lens and it sure makes for a more interesting world!!!!   Way better then Rose Colored glasses...[sm=biggrin.gif]



DominantJenny -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/4/2008 4:45:02 AM)

Depends on how one defines "controls the money". I'm a stay at home mother. I don't enjoy or do well in the business world, though if I HAD to hold down a job, I could. My guy, on the other hand, is very successful that way. But his paychecks go into our joint account. I handle the budget. I determine how much money he has to spend (and did this even when we were "vanilla", because I was deemed to just be better at money handling), where our money goes/how it gets spent, how our credit is managed, etc. If he EVER said "well, I make the money so it's mine and I say...", our marriage would be in SERIOUS trouble; even vanilla, I believe all the money is everyone's money in a committed relationship. (I am not saying everyone should share this belief, I'm just saying this is my belief and, yes, I share this opinion with partners before we commit.)
So, he works to support all of us. I raise our children, manage our household and finances, etc. He contributes at least half if not more to the doing of chores. We consider that my job as primary caregiver is equivalent (if not more) to his paid job...and he'd be shelling out quite a bit to get the kind of care I give to our children; private nannies aren't cheap! [8D]
It's all in how you look at it.



LadyPact -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/4/2008 4:49:20 AM)

I wanted to make a remark on one thing that you mentioned in particular, that being the purchase of a physical collar.

Unlike other tokens to display a relationship, I did not purchase a collar and 'give' it to My submissive.  The collar that he wears doesn't belong to him.  It really does belong to Me, so it makes perfect sense for Me to pay for it.  Even though he wears it, there's no question as to who it belongs to.  It is unlike other physical symbols of affection in that regard.



Lashra -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/4/2008 5:44:25 AM)

I don't view "buying" as Dominant or submissive. If I want to buy something for him I do and vice versa, it has nothing to do with our roles.

As for men supporting women in their households, yes this was in my view forced upon men and women, because women weren't allowed rights, education, jobs etc. So to survive it had to happen, that is no longer (thankfully we came out of the dark ages) the case.

I am the only support in my house and have been for many, many years. When I was married we both worked and made pretty much the same salary. I don't view "who has the bigger salary" as the one in charge. To me dominant has nothing to do with salaries or money, it has to do with the ability to inspire someone to follow you. If money moves them then I guess you'd better have a big enough salary.

When I go out on a date (this has always been the case with me) I either pay my own way, pay for  us both or sometimes he treats us both. I have never understood why men in this day and age are still forced into paying all the time. Oh yeah its nice when they do but some guys just can't afford it all the time and that doesn't make him a bad person or cheap, it just means he has to watch his pennies like most of us.

~Lashra



Aileen1968 -> RE: When is buying something Dominant and when is it submissive? (7/4/2008 5:52:26 AM)

Being told to buy a spreader bar is submissive spending.  Oh my, yes it is.



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