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How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/6/2008 9:10:34 PM   
LilGnome


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/7/2006
Status: offline 		I am in a relationship that is attempting to transition from bedroom kink to lifestyle and it isn't doing so well.  We are trying to discuss likes and dislikes so that both parties are fully aware of expectations and preferances.  I'm having a hard time expressing how I feel about different activities because I honestly don't know.  There have been a lot of questions about what I want and what I expect, and I have no idea.  Does anyone here have experiance with that sort of thing, or have any advice, it would be helpful.  Thank you.
Lost,
~Gnome

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/6/2008 9:15:13 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		If you don't know, it is best to be honest and say so. Perhaps they are things that your partner is willing to introduce slowly, to see whether you like them or not. The hard part is learning to be open about your feelings and upfront about what you do and don't like.

Others will be along with better advie I'm sure, but good luck in your journey and welcome to the board.

< Message edited by WyldHrt -- 7/6/2008 9:17:25 PM >

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/6/2008 9:26:40 PM   
LilGnome


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/7/2006
Status: offline 		Some of the things we have done, a lot, but i don't know how to explain how I feel, because I don't know.  Things hurt, but my body responded, so I don't know.  I do try to be open and honest, but I'm not very good at being those things with myself.
Thank you,
~Gnome

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/6/2008 9:32:14 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Then you will either learn how to be good at those things, or you will deal with a lot of hard lessons from which you can learn- likely you'll do a bit of both.

Sometimes the question to ask would be "How interested are you in trying this particular activity again and why?"

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/6/2008 10:19:43 PM   
katie978


Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		  I understand where you're coming from: when I started, I was similarly overwhelmed. I'd talk to guys, they'd ask what I was interested in, then rattle of a list of a few hundred different types of impact play. How the hell was I supposed to know whether I prefered being hit by a belt or a flogger or two floggers? Whether I liked the feel of cow leather or suede or buffalo hide?

  As far as the relationship side, that is, how he behaves when he's not hitting you with something, that's a bit harder to figure out. I suggest you try and compile separate lists of things that you expect in a D/s relationship, and that you don't compare notes until you've got a sizable, edited list. This part could be tricky: unlike most other types of relationships, there aren't really any mainstream D/s couples to compare yourself to. The few literary examples we have are typically so fantastical or overblown that they have no real life applications. Sure, all of us subbies would love to live one year in a BDSM castle full of sadistic Masters and naked happy slaves, only to return home draped in jewels. That's not overly likely to happen to any of us (too bad).
    I think the most important part is to be honest about it. If the relationship is really working for him, but not for you, tell him. If something really turns you on, let him know. He's in charge (I'm assuming it's a he), but if you're not happy with the relationship, you're doing something wrong. Laugh at yourselves. If he gives you some ridiculous command, it's okay to chuckle. If he tries to order you to stand on your head while he flogs you, laughing is probably his intended goal.

  Given how damned smiley you look, I imagine that you'll do alright.

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/6/2008 10:43:34 PM   
subtex


Posts: 129
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Dallas
Status: offline 		Okay here's a suggestion from left field.  You might try a private journal.  If you find it difficult to be open and honest with yourself you may be able to chip away at your own defenses by writing about them.  I've found that sometimes by writing I'm able to be a little more objective with the questions I ask myself.  In my case I would sometimes think I wanted one thing one day then decide that wasn't what I wanted on another day.  I would ask myself what are my fears, how I would feel if this happened or that.  I'd throw out theories and examine them.  The trick I found was to keep typing in a stream of consciousness.  
Bill


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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/7/2008 3:32:44 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Gnome, just quit feeling overwhelmed and accept that this won't be done overnight.

You're new and this is a big thing.  As long as you can trust your partner, it's all cool.


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/7/2008 5:33:42 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		To answer your title question, you begin by asking yourself if it's really that important to *you*.  Water always finds its own level and if you don't even know if you want what you say you want, then I'm not surprised you've hit an impasse.
 
Despite what you've written, I get a vibe that maybe you're being pushed into something that's not really *your* need and that you're doing it regardless to please your partner (as subs are inclined to do) - hence you're now confronted with a paradox of not knowing what you don't know.
 
Time is your friend; along with communication....  A D/s or M/s relationship is NOT just about what the Dom/me wants so take your time working out why you're presently unsure - it'll come to you, as "light bulb" moments do....
 
And welcome to the Forums... :-)
 
Focus.

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Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/7/2008 10:56:46 AM   
Sabella


Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline 		How about starting with a BDSM checklist? It's as good a place to start as any - and will probably refresh your memory about things you'd like to try that aren't even on the list 

Be as honest as you can & then talk about it afterwards. It should give you Dom ample fodder to inflict on you as well as know what areas to proceed cautiously (if at all).


_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/7/2008 12:14:35 PM   
cillydom


Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		your too young to have had much experience, so don't worry about it.

he is probably young too so he probably hasn't had much experience or have had time to develop a workable philosophy

a guy even with the best of intentions will screw up several relationships till he figures it out

just go with it and both of you will learn something from it

I know this isn’t a candy and flowers answer but it is close to the truth

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/7/2008 2:07:38 PM   
pinkwind


Posts: 367
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline 		If you cannot explain you should say so and stop trying, carrying on will only muddy the waters.

What i would do is make a note, literally, while you are talking about things together, of the things you find hard to put into words, and some note of what you said. From there i would wait until i made a quiet space in my day and sit and expand on those notes, make sense of things for myself, put things in order and in context and then ask to talk again. Take your notes, refer to them if you need, but i can guarantee that by the time you have done this you will not need to look at them much, because you will have thought things through already, and know what you need to say.

Nobody who genuinely wants to know what you think or how you feel will have any objection to waiting a while before hearing from you, they should in fact value that you want to give them as best an explanation as possible, and give you space to think.

Never rush into explanation of things you are not sure of in your own mind, it does everyone, you included, a disservice.


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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/8/2008 9:18:03 PM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilGnome

I am in a relationship that is attempting to transition from bedroom kink to lifestyle and it isn't doing so well.  We are trying to discuss likes and dislikes so that both parties are fully aware of expectations and preferances.
~Gnome



Hello LilGnome. You have all the symptoms of someone who is going too fast. If you were on a highway and could not read the signs because of excessive speed, what would you do?

When you are ''trying'' to discuss make sure the other one is ''trying'' to listen. Try to see your problem as a non lifestyle related thingie (BDSM) first. Then and only then try to have a nice discussion about the concept of a ''consensual'' lifestyle, any lifestyle, vanilla even! After this, try to keep things fun and relaxed, what is the rush?

Slow deliberate baby steps in a fun and relaxed manner...What do you think? RL.


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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/9/2008 8:30:29 AM   
LilGnome


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/7/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your pieces of wisdom.  We have been together for around a year and a half give or take a few months depending.  We had some fairly large misunderstandings at the beginning, not fights, just a misunderstanding of what the other wanted.  We cleared all of this up about 4 months ago.  At that time we decided to make a change, but we are both fairly new, so here we are 4 months later, no change.  I am the one who sggested it, but I still haven't been able to tell him exactly what I want.  (partially because to me that depends on what he wants, which I still haven't gotten a clear understanding of.)
Thank you all for your input,
~gnome

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/9/2008 10:58:30 AM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		In the grand view your just starting you life's journey and your bdsm  path too , I would say involve yourself with your partner in your local community , get to as many events as you can " Like Thunder in the mountains " and others . With more experience comes understanding , with more education comes knowledge , keep the open communication  going . Its hard to know what you want when you may not know what you want , sure you have the general idea , the points of what your wanting and desires come more clear in time and the targets seem to narrow in your wants and needs . Keep asking  questions , strive for the answers . Reading is another good thing to add  , and there are Many books both of you can take in . As you have a partner you both need to take this path together for both to be happy and for growth .
best wishes  on your  journey .

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/9/2008 2:33:10 PM   
suessub


Posts: 71
Joined: 1/18/2008
Status: offline 		I'm going to second subtex's suggestion to keep a private journal. And make a commitment to write in it regularly. Doing so for me was what helped me to understand my submissive/masochistic nature. Keep it private; resist the urge to share.

As you work in transitioning your relationship from bedroom kink to lifestyle, reserve some time each day to talk "outside" the context of the lifestyle. Make it a forum when each of you can talk without reservation. Best it be after any play may have taken place so there is time to digest what has been said.

Take your time, this is all supposed to be fun in the end. Allow for regular course corrections. And be willing to abandon having a lifestyle relationship, for then you can always be able to choose it anew and accept it fresh. Nice way to flush out that that didn't work and keep the good.

_____________________________

"Cause people often talk about being scared of change
But for me I'm more afraid of things staying the same
Cause the game is never won by standing in any one place for too long "
- Nick Cave

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/28/2008 12:49:24 AM   
SurrenderForMe


Posts: 229
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Set some common sense boundaries, agree to honestly discuss things, and then try them a little at a time.

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/28/2008 8:42:36 AM   
roland23


Posts: 241
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		This can be a complicated transition. If dialogue between you doesn't work, i suggest KAP(kink aware professionals). All the best!  

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/28/2008 7:18:58 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		In my opinion, negotiation is dynamic and not static, especially in a new relationship. I think it's fine to designate some areas as TBDs.

Every so often (after a play session, once a week, whatever) I think it's a good idea to check in to see what went or is going well, and what could be better. Here it is important to know the what and understand the why. Understanding why one liked or did not like an activity can help identify other areas to explore or avoid.

It's a good idea to calibrate terminology. For instance, two people might like service but have different perspectives about what service is. It's good to ask one what a certain term means to him/her.

Talking to more experienced submissives about why they enjoy a particular activity might help. They might have already gone down the path of introspection and reflection, and might more easily put to words what you currently are trying to describe. Not everyone enjoys an activity for the same reason but some descriptions will just resonate with you more.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 7/28/2008 7:21:10 PM >

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/28/2008 7:21:04 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Tell each other stories. They need not be about either of you.
 
Watch the reactions.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: How do you explain something you don't understand? - 7/28/2008 7:33:55 PM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		Theres a man around here by the name of...
 
JohnWarren...
 
For some reason....I have a *feeling*...he can help...you...
 
Mail him and....ask

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