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When things go not so well - 7/6/2008 9:17:01 PM

MsArcEnCiel

Posts: 17
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

Hi all,

i was reading some of the most recent threads on the community forums and this question came to mind. What do you sub/slave/[place self-definition here] do when the session goes wrong? The recent thread about anger management on the "General Discussion"-forum got me thinking about a situation where you sense that your Top/Dom/Master/Mistress/[place self-definition here] is losing control or going over the top. How would you deal with a situation like that?

And the "When does BDSM become unhealthy" - thread got me into thinking about life crisis. We all face them in our lives and sometimes they hit hard and we find ourselves in situations where we do not have healthy means to cope with what is happening. How would you support the head of your family when he faces such crisis in His/Her life? And, what if She/He lacked the constructive tools to make it through and put you two/all on a self-destructive path (i.e alcoholism)?

heidi

Post #: 1

RE: When things go not so well - 7/6/2008 9:33:18 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

For the first question, I have no answer. I'm not a sadist and don't do anything with anger. I can be very cutting and sarcastic, but that isn't likely to end anyone up in the ER.

The second question. All I can say is the BDSM is no different to any other lifestyle. If people around you are destructive to themselves and you, you must do what anyone must do in that situation. Get out of it and/or get some help in dealing with it. It sounds a bit cold, but anyway, for example, an alcoholic who has lost sight of reality and can't see the devastation he/she is causing will not be helped by everyone hanging around waiting for something or someone to "fix" them. If you really can't leave, then there are support groups that can help you try to cope with whats going on. I think there's a support group for just about everything these days, so help is at hand.

A dominant is no more immune to problems than anyone else in the world. We have the same weaknesses and strengths as everyone else on the planet. Sometimes we fuck up, get involved in drugs and alcohol, have breakdowns, go manic, get depressed, do all the things that human beings do. The most important thing to remember is that no dominant is infallible and, if he/she is participating in destructive behaviour, then he/she is NOT in control or him/herself or in control of you.

Self preservation is key here. It's tragic to watch someone on a downward spiral (and yes, I do know from experience), but there comes a time when you realise that no amount of love will fix this. When that time comes, don't ignore it. Either get the dominant help or walk away and stay away until they get help. Staying will not help anyone. If it helped, why is the person still carrying on with the self destruction?.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to MsArcEnCiel)

Post #: 2

RE: When things go not so well - 7/6/2008 9:35:48 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

If we're talking about in the immediate scene with someone I don't really know, as a bottom I'd probably try to just deal with it and suck it up and try to get it wrapped up asap. If it really got to the point that things were going bad, I'd signal and then say what was going on. If it's someone I really know, I'd signal them and communicate immediately figuring somethings new or off right away.

In crisis can be the place where a slave can most shine and provide support and strength for their owner when they need it most. Mistakes in judgement are one thing and which we can work through and build on. If they really headed down a destructive path, I would remove myself from the situation. But that would also show a real issue with my own judgement and thus be best to be single for awhile anyway.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MsArcEnCiel)

Post #: 3

RE: When things go not so well - 7/6/2008 10:32:11 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsArcEnCiel

Hi all,

Hi!

quote:

i was reading some of the most recent threads on the community forums and this question came to mind. What do you sub/slave/[place self-definition here] do when the session goes wrong? The recent thread about anger management on the "General Discussion"-forum got me thinking about a situation where you sense that your Top/Dom/Master/Mistress/[place self-definition here] is losing control or going over the top. How would you deal with a situation like that?

In 4 years it's never happened. He is extremely calculated in what he does with me. He doesn't lose control. Now, he has on rare occasion made errors in judgment which resulted in injuring me (not permanently). What I do then is remember we're playing on the same team (the relationship we created) and he is doing the best he can, just like I do. He has about a 5% error rate, and since I have already accepted that, I have accepted the errors. I get over it and move on. Admittedly, there have been times when I have sulked awhile first, but that never lasts very long.

quote:

And the "When does BDSM become unhealthy" - thread got me into thinking about life crisis. We all face them in our lives and sometimes they hit hard and we find ourselves in situations where we do not have healthy means to cope with what is happening. How would you support the head of your family when he faces such crisis in His/Her life? And, what if She/He lacked the constructive tools to make it through and put you two/all on a self-destructive path (i.e alcoholism)?

It's a good question. For the most part, my Master does have the constructive tools to deal with a crisis. But he doesn't have all the necessary tools for all crisis'. He wouldn't turn to something like alcoholism, though. The man has only been inebriated twice in his nearly 60 years and keeps my drinking at a minimum. Nor am I allowed to smoke, and he has never smoked. When I was in crisis, he helped me through it in amazing ways. The one time I have known him to be in crisis, he pulled far back to deal with it. It's just his way of dealing. It was horrible for me, because not only could I not do anything to help the situation, a lot of my previous abandonment issues came into the light. When he saw the effect this was having on me, he turned it around. It almost cost us my slavery to him.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to MsArcEnCiel)

Post #: 4

RE: When things go not so well - 7/7/2008 3:40:46 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

heidi, if a Top goes too far, then the questions are whether this was an isolated incident or part of a pattern, and were you signaling that there was a problem, and was this a violation of a known hard limit?

heidi, if these two questions are linked, and you have a Top/Domme that is losing self control due to alcohol and is also losing self control while Topping, you've got a very serious problem. And if he/she is resenting you or her because of the drinking and is taking it out on you during sessioning, the trust may be getting close to being broken.

If that's the case, quit physical activities until it's resolved.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 5

RE: When things go not so well - 7/7/2008 8:14:25 AM

MsArcEnCiel

Posts: 17
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

Thank Y/you all for the responses. And again, some can't resist the temptation of jumping to conclusions.:) No, i am not talking about myself in the original post or about my relationship.

These thoughts originally rose from reading the thread "subs need for control" from "Ask a Master" - forum. i can't remember the thought patterns through which it all formulated itself into the OP. But i can remember the thought pattern involved things like "doormat", "brat", "real life problems vs games" ,"control/responsibilities." And suddenly i was thinking about the subs/slaves/[idh] responsibilities in an healthy relationship. So there, no more need for reading between the lines. :)

heidi

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 6

RE: When things go not so well - 7/7/2008 9:15:37 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

For me it is a matter of how much of the time they are not in control. Sometimes life happens, ya know? But consistant irrational behavior? I don't see that as dominant, not in the way we mean. And alcoholism, that flat out is not dominance. If they cannot control their lives enough that they must drink to cope, they will not be in my life.
My dad was a drunk. Af first I was embarrassed to see him fall out of the car when he got home from work. I would help him up and make sure he got inside. Then I recognized it was not my issue. He got drunk, he stayed on the pavement for all I cared. It was only one more thing to walk over as I went out to live my life.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to MsArcEnCiel)

Post #: 7

RE: When things go not so well - 7/7/2008 9:19:09 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

The recent thread about anger management on the "General Discussion"-forum got me thinking about a situation where you sense that your Top/Dom/Master/Mistress/[place self-definition here] is losing control or going over the top. How would you deal with a situation like that?

if this slave was capable of making such a judgement call, she would probably suck it up, bear down and go with the flow.
"probably", because this slave has never had the experience of having a sense that Master was "losing control" or "going over the top", so can't really say for sure.

(in reply to MsArcEnCiel)

Post #: 8

RE: When things go not so well - 7/7/2008 10:33:17 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Well, He has never lost control in a scene, or gone too far; but He did miscalculate one time, and we had to end the scene. A penis gag was choking me, my hands were immobilized, and I had to somehow let Him know. Not fun.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 9

RE: When things go not so well - 7/7/2008 10:42:10 AM

fairerthanshe

Posts: 3035
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline

Greetings,

In answer to your first question, there has never been a time when SJ has lost control of any situation so that is not applicable. However, we do a lot of rope bondage, and it is my responsibility to let him know if something is going wrong with the rope itself. He knows if I say his name as opposed to an honorific, then he checks in with me to see whats the matter.

well wishes ~ fairer

_____________________________

The Nuclear Bomb of Awesome, rockin' the MoFo Hawk, still a bad-ass with a bouncy attitude, and spreading joy as a predator in Hello Kitty panties

Recently honored with membership in the West Coast Assholes

(in reply to MsArcEnCiel)

Post #: 10

RE: When things go not so well - 7/7/2008 6:20:51 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If something goes wrong and I'm capable of stopping it, I do. If I shut down and can't verbalize that there's a problem I've been lucky enough to have had him always read my body language and stop the session immediately.

Afterwards he comforts me until I can talk to him and we have slowed down and done only easy things he knows I can positively handle for a while. It doesn't matter to him if he has to wait three months before having me swinging from the chandelier again, it does matter to him if there's a problem between us that causes me to fear him. The relationship and my health, both physical and mental, comes first.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to fairerthanshe)

Post #: 11

RE: When things go not so well - 7/9/2008 1:38:54 PM

evilight

Posts: 1
Joined: 3/23/2008
Status: offline

hi dear for both of your questions i tell you ,get the first rule of being a sub wich says: Be patient!. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies. Don't expect your top to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you

(in reply to MsArcEnCiel)

Post #: 12

RE: When things go not so well - 7/9/2008 6:58:05 PM

anguisette22

Posts: 36
Joined: 7/9/2008
Status: offline

The minute you stop trusting your master/top/whatever is the minute you put a halt to the sessions, just until you work things out. I know a lot of subs carry that trait over to their regular lives, though, or are unable to stop their master because of the way their relationship works. Personally, I couldn't do that. Outside of sexual scenarios I have to be equal with my partner, and I rely on a safety word. If I don't trust my partner to heed that word, then s/he's out. Although I don't mind them punishing me in other ways for using it.

(in reply to evilight)

Post #: 13

RE: When things go not so well - 7/9/2008 9:45:31 PM

ITGirl68

Posts: 116
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

It has happened to me, several times. I did not handle it well. Once I sucked it up (and discussed it afterward); the other two times, I had to safeword, and - silly as it sounds - I felt like the most complete failure in the world. I do not recommend my experience in staying involved so long with someone who could not maintain control.

- Angel

(in reply to MsArcEnCiel)

Post #: 14

RE: When things go not so well - 7/11/2008 5:09:03 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Since I only answered about half the question, I would like to add that if he is having a problem and it requires more than just my support I tell him that. I did that once, told him that his mood was so low that I was scared by it and knew I couldn't help. Hearing that made him realize he needed to call the therapist he had seen a couple of years before to help with this new problem.

Alcoholism I don't think would be his problem, he knows when he's drinking too much. But I know a great alcohol counselor as well as several people in AA, all of whom would be happy to help. I couldn't demand he go, but I could tell him that I couldn't help and would not be sucked in and then give him names and numbers of good resources. I'd give him the name of a good lawyer if he needed one, or an accountant, or an interior designer. Just lately I suggested an arty college kid I know as a good person to ask to do some architectural drawing because he's having trouble getting a client to understand without a design.

But I know the difference between being supportive and enabling. One is fine the other is not.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to ITGirl68)

Post #: 15

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