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when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 2:00:15 AM

JulieorSarah

Posts: 552
Joined: 8/25/2007
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I have a friend who, like Christ, can feed the massess not with loaves and fishes but with a limp lettuce leaf and a slice of tomato ...
a real gift that can be acquired over time.

i used to have a husband who if the tomato sauce wasn't in the exact place he felt it should be would advise there wasn't any. it's been officially diagnosed as a generally but not always male affliction. Domestic Blindness
a dreadful but avoidable disability.

about 5 minutes ago i wrote the 'dear john' email to a lovely man, who i thought would be my Dom ... we both wanted it, and the emails, and phone calls indicated so much common ground. there first meeting was promising, the second a disaster, and yet we went back for a third, as the early signs were so promising, it was worth the effort. He felt we'd revivied it and i felt it confirmed it wasn't going to happen. For me it just ain't there.
Why do i feel so guilty for being true to myself?
how could i have avoided this.

Post #: 1

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 2:01:45 AM

simpleplan2

Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

You can't. Just no way to avoid it. Stop beating yourself up over it. You gave it a good try and it wasn't there. Move on.

(in reply to JulieorSarah)

Post #: 2

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 5:22:14 AM

LadyRainfire

Posts: 6040
Joined: 2/20/2008
Status: offline

If it's not there, it's not there and be thankful you found out now rather than later. Too often people put time and effort into relationships that would have been better off if they had ended at a decent time. Forgive yourself and move on - you'll eventually find what you seek.

_____________________________

"Desire is an insatiable beast. Sample your strongest dreams, and you will only crave more." ~ Master

~ one half of "L&L"~

My current state of mind

(in reply to simpleplan2)

Post #: 3

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 5:43:29 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JulieorSarah

about 5 minutes ago i wrote the 'dear john' email to a lovely man, who i thought would be my Dom ... we both wanted it, and the emails, and phone calls indicated so much common ground. there first meeting was promising, the second a disaster, and yet we went back for a third, as the early signs were so promising, it was worth the effort. He felt we'd revivied it and i felt it confirmed it wasn't going to happen. For me it just ain't there.
Why do i feel so guilty for being true to myself?
how could i have avoided this.

Condemn yourself to a life of unhappiness. You feel guilty because it is something he wants and you know it will never be there for you. You feel guilty because you have empathy for others.

(in reply to JulieorSarah)

Post #: 4

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 6:46:00 AM

lighthearted

Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
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we feel guilty because we are sometimes just used to operating that way.
consider this...in a few months or years or whatever, how miserable you would be, and then angry at yourself too for not ending it sooner.
if it's the right thing for you, then it's the right thing.

_____________________________

"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to JulieorSarah)

Post #: 5

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 8:58:31 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Be proud that you know to cut your losses now. It's so hard to do these things graciously, but so much better for everyone when we're honest about what's most important.

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[page 23 girl]

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Post #: 6

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 11:22:50 AM

everhope

Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline

the "wanting" has made me blind that he was not the wanted. you simply separated the wanting from the wanted. i don't like the feeling either. as much as i try to keep the "wanting" in a more hidden place it seems to rise up to skin level when a certain type of Dominant enters my life. the wanting clouds the picture for a bit of time ...i get involved and then have to get uninvolved. fuck me.
i have my strong stamina to rely on or else..i'd be unable to keep moving forward.
best wishes to you, JoS you'll get through this...no doubt.

may we all find our bliss.

_____________________________

may we all find our bliss

Resident VWB

We all die.
The goal isn't to live forever.
The goal is to create something that will.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 7

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 11:44:47 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

Sometimes it just isn't there, however you have to ask yourself is it really not there or are you just scared because there was a hiccup in the beginning.

Look I don't know enough about what happened to tell you one way or another what you are doing is right or wrong but I do want to point out that there were only 3 chances and the first one was good the second Bad and the third never got to happen because both of you were focused on something OTHER than the here and now.

Look if you like the guy KEEP TALKING give it time, but also give it a chance. I always find it strange that people want to throw out the baby with the bathwater and just start over, only you never really do start over you tend to carry another failed relationship with you to help in screwing up the next one.

I have made mistakes and truth be told I have also been left by women who by all right should have left but I have also been left by women who left just because they were scared.

If you had something with this guy try finding it again, you never know maybe your fear is getting the better of you and what you have really is worth kindeling to help the fire along.

Steel

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Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to everhope)

Post #: 8

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 11:57:39 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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quote:

ORIGINAL: everhope

the "wanting" has made me blind that he was not the wanted. you simply separated the wanting from the wanted. i don't like the feeling either. as much as i try to keep the "wanting" in a more hidden place it seems to rise up to skin level when a certain type of Dominant enters my life. the wanting clouds the picture for a bit of time ...i get involved and then have to get uninvolved. fuck me.
i have my strong stamina to rely on or else..i'd be unable to keep moving forward.
best wishes to you, JoS you'll get through this...no doubt.

may we all find our bliss.

I agree with this 100%. It can be so easy to be blinded by desire for *another* that we don't realize until it's too late that the one we are involved with isn't the right one, just the one that held the dream up properly. Once the mask slips, where are we? It doesn't make the other person a demon, just not the right one.

Hmmm. How many years did it take for Me to learn that?

I am glad I did though, it certainly helped me this spring, when I was separating a fantasy from reality.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to everhope)

Post #: 9

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 12:07:59 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

To be honest, I don’t think it can be avoided as long as there is a “we both wanted it” factor. You have to get together and find out. Not all people are good matches. You can’t tell until you touch them, smell them, taste them and find out if they have the spaghetti sauce syndrome or not.

I don’t think there is anything in your process or your results that is not for your own best benefit.

Avoid it… I don’t think so. Just accept that it’s 3 tries and they’re out. Time to say “next”. Repeat and rinse as needed.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 10

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 1:08:30 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

....."spaghetti sauce syndrome"? ...

they stick to the wall when thrown, what?

::::sigh:::

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[page 23 girl]

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Post #: 11

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 1:43:49 PM

everhope

Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline

LadyH, i think RSSir was referencing this satement that the OP wrote....i may be wrong...

"i used to have a husband who if the tomato sauce wasn't in the exact place he felt it should be would advise there wasn't any. it's been officially diagnosed as a generally but not always male affliction. Domestic Blindness
a dreadful but avoidable disability."

_____________________________

may we all find our bliss

Resident VWB

We all die.
The goal isn't to live forever.
The goal is to create something that will.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 12

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 3:13:29 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: everhope

LadyH, i think RSSir was referencing this satement that the OP wrote....i may be wrong...

"i used to have a husband who if the tomato sauce wasn't in the exact place he felt it should be would advise there wasn't any. it's been officially diagnosed as a generally but not always male affliction. Domestic Blindness
a dreadful but avoidable disability."

Oh! I call it the Washed Grapes Thing. Whew!

I mean, if there's a memo, you KNOW I will miss it, but that was a boggler!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to everhope)

Post #: 13

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 3:24:35 PM

MisterP61

Posts: 1345
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

All I can say is ...... bravo

_____________________________

Proudly married to the "Diva of Destruction" LadyPact
Though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore - Of Monsters and Men
What is the maximum effective range of an excuse? Zero meters!

(in reply to JulieorSarah)

Post #: 14

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 3:27:09 PM

OTKkindaGirl

Posts: 447
Joined: 12/26/2005
From: NW Arkansas
Status: offline

You can be gracious and respectful and still remain true to yourself. There is no way to avoid being true to yourself. Don't feel guilty or beat yourself up over something that didn't work out, even though he really wanted it to. You both have to want it. He will understand this. Any relationship takes two.

The way to not feel bad about it, be gracious and respectful towards him. He may be hurt at first but he'll come to realize that hurting him was not your intention and that you are sparing both of you aggrevation in the long run. There is nothing wrong with continuing to communicate if you are both willing to remain friends. But if he is angry and remains so, then you absolutely know that you did the right thing.

_____________________________

~~ lil darlin' ~~
hope

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 15

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 3:51:38 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JulieorSarah

Why do i feel so guilty for being true to myself?

Because you feel like you hurt him?

quote:

how could i have avoided this.

As already stated, you can't, unless you seal yourself off from the world.

But if you open your heart, not only can love come in, but pain too.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to JulieorSarah)

Post #: 16

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/8/2008 5:47:30 PM

PanthersMom

Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline

there's no point in being unhappy. don't feel guilty about "it" not being there. you're both much better off this way. best of luck to you both.
PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 17

RE: when it just ain't there ... - 7/9/2008 1:02:19 AM

JulieorSarah

Posts: 552
Joined: 8/25/2007
Status: offline

Everyone ... thank you
i've heard from him ... he's disappointed but understands ... we are going to stay in touch, we live two hours apart ... he lives in Canberra drives passed my town on the way to Sydney several times a year and my brother lives near Canberra ... i'm glad he understands ... i do like him the D/s just didn't happen for me. I felt more of the Domme than the sub ...

Steel, no i wasn't scared of him and maybe that was part of the problem! Who knows, it just wasn't there ...

The experience of 'disappointing a Him' has drained me a little, and while i want to put myself out there will wait awhile ...

many of you have me thinking about how i go about this ...

thank you all

j

(in reply to PanthersMom)

Post #: 18

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