~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (Full Version)

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SteelofUtah -> ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 12:25:07 PM)

Someone asked me why I wasn't posting today since my work is slow as Frozen Honey from the Jar. So I started thinking about why I bother with this site. I mean, sure some people find thier partners, but for the most part I see more people who are single stay single or are always complaining about another Bad relationship, and I've made plenty of posts about that in which I get called to the floor for making generalizations or stereotyping. Those that are in serious relationships on this site either took GREAT Risks and moved large distances to make it an actual physical relationship or maintain a Long Distance relationship with someone whom they again took a serious risk and committed to someone they may never be with in a full time capascity. Either way they were risk takers.

The Majority of personalities I come across on this site and the many other that I belong too are those who are petrofied by meeting the wrong guy that somehow the Right person this figment of thier imagination has a Physical body somewhere and is not only into BDSM but will also be just as attracted to them as they are thier fantasy. Now I know some people aren't so picky to create an actual person however at times I see people with such unobtainable goals and then I watch them tell the horror stories of the guys that they do date and I often wonder what part of thier fantasy these "Red Flag Fellows" actually did meet to have screwed them over so bad.

I see those who comment on Realtionships with a Mad Authority when they themselves live nothing close to the relationships the preach about. Sure I can easily be charged guilty of this but I can at least be honest about my relationship and admit it isn't the exact image of what I thought I wanted but you know I can also explain that if I were still looking for what I thought I wanted I would have never learned that what I wanted was just a way to keep me from experincing what this life has to offer. What I have now shows me I sold myself short in the things I wanted before.

My Opinion on this matter is that most of us are too chicken shit to put ourself on the line and find out if we have what it takes to make in through the tough and the rough and the might be and the won't be's and see if it's still worth fighting for. See I don't think Love, or Happiness are things you just have. I think they are things you make. You can't just sit back and let it happen to you you have to get out there and go through the ugly and the dim and find the light in it all. Yeah I know I sound like a sappy love song, but it's true. You see this life..... this is it. This is what we get. Just one, Just one short stretch of time that starts and ends and when it ends you don't get anymore time here, you don't get to make any more memories, you don't get to get over things cause there won't be anymore time to do so. So those who hide behind thier Christmas List of necessities before you will give that Girl or that Guy the time of day I suggest you start saying yes. Not to Sex, and Midnight Trysts or Naughty Cyber Photos, but yes to actually getting to know someone beyond your ideals, you knowactually try to get to know the person. Sure there are lots of fakes and wanna be and HNG's out there but there is only one way to find out and that is to take the time to get to know them. I see a lot of people being quick to say Red Flag this and Red Flag that and I usually laugh because it often seems like "I know nothing about your situation but someone fucked me over so why should you be happy." I would just like to see more people taking chances. Because half of the horror stories I heard in my first few years were eventually confirmed as Bull Shit and He Said, She Said's and other Telephone I heard that this one time bullshit. I don't expect anyone to admit that thier BDSM horror story is bullshit but you know who you are and the lies that you have told and keep telling just to scare the noobs and keep other people just as miserable as you are.

I think there is an Obsession with the Seeking. I honestly think some people are actually happier thinking that thier Knight in Shining Armor really exists and I know there are some who say they have found them and some who actually have but we are discussing the Majority not the exceptions. I think this Obsession with the Possibility of someone who fits thier Kink Jigsaw Puzzle is actually out there is what allows us to believe these bullshit stories. I think we want to believe them when we know that common sense tells us that the story we are being fed is usually a load of crap. Or more over those who disappear for two weeks and tell you how this guy they knew went crazy on them and made then get offline and then wouldn't let them have friends, and yet never once take responsibility for the fact that they let them. It's an Obsession to actually live a fantasy. Personally I perfer the life I have.... cracks and all.

Steel



chamberqueen -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 1:37:49 PM)

I found a Master using this site.  I took some risks, but any relationship is a risk.  I sometimes ask questions - I am new to being a real time slave - but am typically pretty happy with my relationship.  In a lot of ways it is the most fulfilling I've ever had.

Yes, there are people like you described, but there are those of us that really found what we were looking for - not in a fairy tale sense but in a real world flaws and all sense.



SteelofUtah -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 1:39:52 PM)

chamberqueen I agree that there are some who do find as you found what you deserved and as I pointed out in the thread I wanted to discuss the Majority not the exceptions like yourself.

So do you have any idea or thoughts on why the Majority of the people I find on this site find it so difficult to do as you did?

Steel



batshalom -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 2:08:05 PM)

I have an idea, Steel. Unrealistic expectations. "Things will always be bliss. Vanilla life won't intrude. He'll Dom me like I want to be Dom'ed. She'll be able to read my mind and things will be perfect forever."

Real life can be ugly. Some people aren't quite ready to believe that this new shiny cool person offering this new shiny cool relationship can't fix everything, that there is personal work to be done, mundane chores to be seen to, and that life goes on as usual. Thus, the beautiful turns ugly (or at least dull).

That's my take on it anyway. It took me quite a few years to wrap my own head around it.



SkinnyDip -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 2:08:07 PM)

I think a lot of people on the site are here for the fantasy. They have this ideallistic image of what BDSM is and they see it as a new and shiny toy at the store and decide "I want that. That is for me". Then they buy it, open the box, fiddle with it, and when it doesn't work the way it worked in their head, they get mad and throw a tantrum.

Eventually they find out that that the new toy doesn't come with a factory warranty, and that while trained operators can use it very well, if you don't do some research and read the manual, you might not even be able to figure out how to turn it on.
Then the toy gets put in the garage somewhere to get all dusty because a toy that will be "better, and will actually work for me" has caught their attention.

I think it's all just a product of most people having an attitude of entitlement and always wanting instant gratification. They want exactly what they want and they want it NOW. They also aren't willing to work for it and when they see someone else with what they want they expect them to share or give it up and when it doesn't happen they act like 2 year olds.




AmbrosialWench -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 2:09:24 PM)

Well, I feel I am still in the majority but perhaps the relationship I am in now will bring me to that wonderful minority on this site you described. I have found that many who say they have found what they were looking for are new and are in their first relationship. Unfortunately, they typically don't last because of their lack of understanding the symbiotic relationship that exist between both parties... And well in other cases their profiles are blocked... hmmm....
Another reason is there are many people who are fakes. People on this site say there are fakes in the vanilla world but I would say if you went to a bar, met someone that you would find they aren't fake if they are still around after a week or two... Also, I think people are too picky...




silkncarol -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 2:38:11 PM)

I don't think i have an obsession with looking and i'm certainly not looking for a White Knight.  I just haven't found the Man who i connect with....i've found too many here live in a D/s fantasy land and forget it's about the exchange of power.  I'd love to find a Man who was honest, truthful, self-aware and self confident...who is honestly looking for a LTR..and is willing to devote some time to lay a foundation based on trust and respect..since it doesnt' happen instantly.  He's out there somewhere...i just haven't met him yet.

I also think sometimes these sites are like being a kid in the candy store.....so many possibilities, you get sidetracked and distracted...running here and there after a shiney object.  I'll admit i've probably missed a good Man because of it.......



Missokyst -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 2:39:56 PM)

I use this site strictly as entertainment.  I am seeking but I don't use this venue to seek out a partner.  If it happens for me in real life it will, if not I won't stress on it.  I prefer my life in face to face meetings, not on anonymous ideas I meet on the net.  With a few exceptions, most of the people I read are not looking.  Either that or they are not bitching and moaning because they havent found the mythical ONE.
Those exceptions are predictible.  They make the same type of online decision time after time and expect the result to be different.  I suspect they do that in real life as well. 
I make mistakes.  But for me that isnt a big deal.  Mistakes happen.  I have more successes than failures and those successes have made me generally content with my life.
People worry too much about making mistakes. 
Kyst



MadRabbit -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 2:45:13 PM)

The Internet itself is a rather odd communication tool, because it allows people to "pretend" without any fear of consequences. The people you bring into your life via the Internet are as easily erasable as turning off the computer. There was no prior connection or relation beforehand and the only prior connection and relation that is usually established is via text message and phone. This is far different from dating Susie at the local grocery store who can tell half the town how much of a fucking asshole you are.

Combine this with the natural disparity that many kinksters struggle with of finding a needle in a haystack and I imagine it's pretty easy to get a breeding ground of bullshit, bad decisions, shady treatment of people, and malice.

Personally, I haven't had any such experiences. I'm very selective of who I contact on this site and so far, my positive experiences have outweighed my negative ones. I have met a whole host of people through the forums who have provided me with insightful and intelligent correspondence. I've met and dated 10 people off the site. Some didn't go past the first date. Quite a few resulted in power based relations that spanned over the course of several months with the end result being it wasn't for them. One resulted in a long distance relationship that lasted over the course of the year. I parted amicably with 8 of these people. 5 of them still call me today to see how I am doing. You certainly won't hear me whining about the 2 that went sour either, because even those bad experiences provided a benefit to my life in some way.

I'm single and finally in a position where I can afford to take a risk with a long long distance relationship with someone I met via these forums who has intrigued me for a long time. So far, that venture has been nothing short of awesome.

So despite all those "crappy" people out there, I have been able to enhance my life in a number of ways using this site and have no desire to leave just because it takes some patience to find people I want to communicate with among the large number that I don't.

I'm sorry to see that you have decided to place such a negative judgment and condemnation on the users of this site and even sorrier that you have allowed that negative judgment to ruin your own experiences here.

Because..unfortanely, this long post about how much this site sucks and why you should even bother logging on is a byproduct of the attitude you choose to have and not because of the behavior of others.



SteelofUtah -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 3:03:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

I'm sorry to see that you have decided to place such a negative judgment and condemnation on the users of this site and even sorrier that you have allowed that negative judgment to ruin your own experiences here.

Because..unfortanely, this long post about how much this site sucks and why you should even bother logging on is a byproduct of the attitude you choose to have and not because of the behavior of others.



I am sorry that I had to snip out the very positive answer you gave, I really am because once again it is wonderful to hear things like that in this site I admit. Howeverm, MadRabbit, you and I have ended up here often, I cannot speak for you and your reasons but I know I usually try to stay the course in the belief that the majority of posts on this site are negative or positive in the original post only to receive negative responces and the Positive responces are usually drown by the negative ones and the debates of the negative.

You are mistake however and that is why I snipped to that small section. Nothing has ruined my time here, I am the one who chose to read the threads I read and post to the ones I posted to. This was simply a Thread on Observations and Opinions and that is all it was ment to bring out the stories such as your and others as well as offer those who do hide in the negative a chance to actually see it because all too often Ignorance is Bliss.

In addition I never once said anything negative about the site I LOVE what CollarMe STANDS for I just wonder about alot of the content and the theroy that Misery loves Company and if that is the case if the negativity I see daily breeds more negativity.

You can see my post as being Negative but it isn't in reality it was supposed to be a Positive message that it is okay to be scared but don't let the fear hold you back from actually having a life.
I am TRUELY happy that you have had such a positive experience here on CollarMe I know that it is possible and I hope you continue to have Positive experiences I hope EVERYONE does, but with all the Negative I can see hwo it is hard for some people to see anything worth risking themselves over and I just hate to see any one live out of fear.

And Believe it or not MadRabbit I ALWAYS appreciate your Input even when you take the side you take. I appreciate your points of view and on more than one occasion that have made me think about my own stance on things.

Thanks for your comment

Steel 



MadRabbit -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 3:06:07 PM)

Fair enough. My misunderstanding. [:D]



Lockit -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 3:09:41 PM)

Very nice post Steel... thank you!  You covered so many things, that is it hard to respond right off the cuff.  Those thoughts you shared didn't just come all of a sudden and for me, an all of a sudden response isn't there.  All I can say is I question a lot of things... am solid on a lot of things and I have lived my life taking controlled risk or down right risky... because I was secure in myself and felt I could deal with whatever risk I took.  Some things turned out and some didn't.

Life can be ugly and harsh at times and I think what really matters to me is finding someone who can handle the same ugly and harsh in life, who can handle the great stuff too... and survive it all with an outcome of still loving and still smiling... is my key.  Every person I meet is different, though there are some similarities.  There are things I can compromize on and some I can't.  Some I can give up and some I can't.  I have some basic things I look for in any relationship whether it be friend or lover and I don't carry a long list.  Those long list will limit things... hell a short list can limit them... but we have to have something to base things on.

I have found wonderful relationships and ugly one's.  I wouldn't taint a new one because of a good or bad one from the past.  Some small thing might slip in, but that has to be seen and controlled or it can become major.  So staying emotionally tuned up is a key for me.  I look for something I may not find because I am a hard fit, not because I am looking for too much.  Remaining open, thinking outside the box sometimes and being willing and trying not to be foolish... I think we can find what seems elusive... but then I may just be in a fantasy!



akisha -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 3:09:57 PM)

~FR~

I took a few risks, but if you want to live your life instead of observing others that what you have to do. I kissed a couple toads, I met some awesome people that are still freinds and I met a few people I never talked to again. Yes I even met a couple of scarey people and I had a couple of not so great experiences.

That's life baby !!!

nothing is perfect, no one is perfect. I never belived there was "THE ONE PERFECT DOM" out there for me. I looked for someone that match my needs on a variety of levels and we're working on the rest. Life is a learning curve and when you quit learning well I guess it's time to die.

The interenet brought to me alot more friends and meetings then I ever could have hoped for with out it. There are freaks for sure and players etc, but there are alot of really great genuine people too.

I always was the kind of girl to jump into the middle of something and go from there tho [:D]



julietsierra -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 3:52:22 PM)

And then there are the people I call infatuation junkies. They will always talk about how hard they're looking for someone to share the rest of their lives with. However, when they find these people, real life sets in and they discover that all the golden views they had of the person they've attached themselves to are largely in their minds. What they discover is that the people make mistakes. Sometimes they make HUGE mistakes. And rather than make the effort to work through the difficulties, the hue and cry most often is "kick him/her to the curb."

These folks have been hurt before and instead of learning from those situations as to how to improve their judgments with regard to the people they meet, the response is instead one of which their potential partner must be absolutely perfect or not be considered at all.

Oh, they'll have tons of reasons - most often starting with "I've had x number of people do ABC to me before and I won't be a fool for that anymore."  In other words, they judge their current relationships by the track records of their past relationships.

Then, when the spark mutes into a comfortable ebb and flow of daily life, well then, to these infatuation junkies, it's just not fun anymore. All the bad memories of relationships gone by rear their ugly heads and well... here we go again. The current person is dumped for some real or imagined slight and there they are, online once more proclaiming not only the horrors of the past person, but their expectations for the future people in their lives.

They really just want the new relationship rush. They're addicted to it.

So, they hurt the people they're with, break up declaring all sorts of bad things, and move on to the next, in the hopes that like Dorothy and Mr Wizard, all they have to do is grasp the wicked witch's broom and their troubles will miraculously be cured.

Makes me want to say "click your heels three times and say 'there's no place like home, there's no place like home."

The reality of what they're searching for has about the same possibility of being true as Dorothy finding a talking scarecrow, a kind tin man and a fearful lion to walk the yellow brick road with.

juliet 



DrkJourney -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 4:06:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: silkncarol

I don't think i have an obsession with looking and i'm certainly not looking for a White Knight.  I just haven't found the Man who i connect with....i've found too many here live in a D/s fantasy land and forget it's about the exchange of power.  I'd love to find a Man who was honest, truthful, self-aware and self confident...who is honestly looking for a LTR..and is willing to devote some time to lay a foundation based on trust and respect..since it doesnt' happen instantly.  He's out there somewhere...i just haven't met him yet.

I also think sometimes these sites are like being a kid in the candy store.....so many possibilities, you get sidetracked and distracted...running here and there after a shiney object.  I'll admit i've probably missed a good Man because of it.......


my thoughts exactly.

I so tired of running into time wasters that claim they know what they want then disappear within a week.   All the big talk, then nothing.  After they go poof they always try to return, with the same story about being scared, etc.   If you give them a chance they do the same thing again....that is why, heartless as it may seem...if you leave with no explaination....no more chances

Been on here since 04...so I'm kind of burned out....that seems to be the only kind that contacts me.  If it were not for some very nice people I've met here that I consider friends I wouldn't even come on here any more



Lockit -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 4:12:29 PM)

DrkJourney... boy can I relate! lol  I am getting to the point at times when someone says they know what they want and talk pretty, I am on alert.  I am just taking things slow.  The rush that everyone is talking about is a very real thing and add hunger, desire and real emotional needs to connect or belong... add up to... I want it, I want it now... and as soon as they wake up... omg... run!  You gotta watch those runners... they don't just ruin nylons.



DrkJourney -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 4:20:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

DrkJourney... boy can I relate! lol  I am getting to the point at times when someone says they know what they want and talk pretty, I am on alert.  I am just taking things slow.  The rush that everyone is talking about is a very real thing and add hunger, desire and real emotional needs to connect or belong... add up to... I want it, I want it now... and as soon as they wake up... omg... run!  You gotta watch those runners... they don't just ruin nylons.


lol...oh I hear ya.

It is encouraging when I see people that have actually met and have a relationship...I wonder....so where do they grow these people, because they certainly never contact me...lol

I take risks all the time by putting a little trust in a new person that contacts me that he won't flake like the rest....but they are the ones that never follow through and honestly I doubt if they ever planned to.  I've met a few...one guy did nothing but try and grab at my chest all evening...lol   so I know of taking risks.....lol

that is why I have such a long, and yeah I know boring, profile...I try to lay everything out on the line....which I know the majority don't read, but some do, and it got things off of my chest while writing it....LOL

oh well...maybe we'll get ours one day.....lol



StrangerThan -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 4:34:02 PM)

I like the discussion here. It's alternately insightful and full of crap, but hey, so is life.

If I were looking though, it'd probably be the last place I'd look.



kiwisub12 -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 4:43:32 PM)

I met a man from cm who was intelligent, kind, and dominant. The rest (looks, money, job, car etc etc) is just gravy.  I've been around long enough to know that for me intelligence, kindness, integrity and dominance is what i want and need, and when i found him that was it. The gravy is nice, but sometimes all the gravy leaves you asking "wheres the beef?".   ( oh, i like that one [:D]). If you get tied up with the superficial stuff you miss the real under it.  And yes, some of it is taking a risk, but i think the major part of maintaining a relationship is maturity. And i don't mean chronological here.  I don't think some people get past the "what sort of car do/does i/he/she drive? mentality. Its a shame because a real life relationship is wonderful, hard , awful and the best think i have ever found.   Lucky me!



MidMichCowboy -> RE: ~~Observations, Opinions, and Obsessions~~ (7/9/2008 5:32:25 PM)

I have met some wonderful people on this site. Am I using it to look for someone? I think that is unlikely, since right now I have a commitment to ummmss that precludes me pursuing a long distance relationship. I don't have the time and money to chase a dream far away. With medical bills and support for my ummms , my wants and needs take a secondary approach right now. That is part of being a father.
But, I do enjoy talking to folks and discussing things. Last year, I was ready to commit to someone. Unfortunately, the intensity (her words) scared her and she bolted (I think it was my looks [:(] ). I have still made a couple dates to meet for coffee. Once again, they did not show up.

Have I given up. No, but I am a little more cautious. Do I think there is a perfect someone out there? No, there is not perfect. There might be someone out there that will be worth putting a lot of effort into. I don't expect them to be perfect and I sure as hell hope they don't expect me to be.

Good points though Steel. I do enjoy reading your posts. There is a lot of truth in what you say, and it gives one some things to reflect on.



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