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RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 10:43:42 AM

BKSir

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Very well said indeed, ownedgirlie.

"Intimidated" can come simply from a presence or certain aire a person has about them, fear though, I think, can only spring from actions.

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RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 10:56:54 AM

Maxwell67

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
I try not to apply "shoulds" to other people's relationships.

I am all for keeping my uninvited nose out of anothers personal life. And as long as it is not bleeding over into the lives of non-consenting folk in a way that is disrespectful of their rights, I am happy to keep it that way. But if the power one person holds over another is abused in a way that makes them a danger to anyone outside that relationship, then I am going to do a lot more than apply a 'should' or 'should not' to it. The danger in controlling a person this completely is that it removes that persons ability to make their own judgements about what is demanded (or what they think is demanded, ore even expected of them). The news is full of horror stories about people who were 'just following orders'.

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RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 11:23:40 AM

Missokyst

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Dang.. is that a bad thing? I always loved that show and their ability to get out of danger.
THAT was hot!
Where is Dr Smith?
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetnurseBBW

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Do you mean fear as in, apprehension and excitement, or fear as in Danger Will Robinson?

Fear as in Danger Will Robinson.

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RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 11:25:02 AM

Leatherist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Dang.. is that a bad thing? I always loved that show and their ability to get out of danger.
THAT was hot!
Where is Dr Smith?
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetnurseBBW

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Do you mean fear as in, apprehension and excitement, or fear as in Danger Will Robinson?

Fear as in Danger Will Robinson.

I always wanted to see cbt being inflicted on Dr Smith by some creeping alien horror with barbed tentacles.

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RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 11:25:59 AM

Missokyst

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Oh hell yes!

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RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 11:29:50 AM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Maxwell67

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
I try not to apply "shoulds" to other people's relationships.

I am all for keeping my uninvited nose out of anothers personal life. And as long as it is not bleeding over into the lives of non-consenting folk in a way that is disrespectful of their rights, I am happy to keep it that way. But if the power one person holds over another is abused in a way that makes them a danger to anyone outside that relationship, then I am going to do a lot more than apply a 'should' or 'should not' to it. The danger in controlling a person this completely is that it removes that persons ability to make their own judgements about what is demanded (or what they think is demanded, ore even expected of them). The news is full of horror stories about people who were 'just following orders'.

Hi Maxwell,

Of course, you bring up a point that "shoulds" can very appropriately be applied to others when it comes to harming those outside of their relationships. This is why I did not make my statement an absolute. I should have clarified (I can apply "shoulds" to myself all I want, heh). As for non-consenting folks and what is bled over to them, there's a great thread going on about what is offensive to others. I personally don't feel as passionately as others do in the whole "non-consenting public" concern, but I agree people shouldn't go around causing harm to others.

As for how others "should" conduct themselves within the confines of their own healthy relationship, however, who am I to say, if they're happy?

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RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 11:35:00 AM

Maxwell67

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
Hi Maxwell,

Of course, you bring up a point that "shoulds" can very appropriately be applied to others when it comes to harming those outside of their relationships. This is why I did not make my statement an absolute. I should have clarified (I can apply "shoulds" to myself all I want, heh). As for non-consenting folks and what is bled over to them, there's a great thread going on about what is offensive to others. I personally don't feel as passionately as others do in the whole "non-consenting public" concern, but I agree people shouldn't go around causing harm to others.

As for how others "should" conduct themselves within the confines of their own healthy relationship, however, who am I to say, if they're happy?

Agreed .

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Post #: 27

RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 11:52:04 AM

accipitres

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YES!

I have to fear you, or I will bulldozer you. Sad, but true.

I have a gay male dominant in Chicago I have been serving non-sexually off and on for about 5 years. He thinks I am the perfect submissive.

That is an opinion that would baffle most of the people who know me, who think I am a horrible submissive.

The difference is fear. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he will hurt me in a not-very-good-way if I displease him. That fear keeps me highly motivated to be pleasing.

Sigh. I wish I was one of those submissives who was "born to serve" and "get joy from making other's happy." I'm not. I'm someone who was born to be served, and is perfectly content with you trying to make me happy.

But there is that need in me to tremble while kneeling at someone's feet. The key word being "tremble"

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RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 12:02:20 PM

batshalom

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetnurseBBW

Does fear have a place in the dynamic other than in a scene or playtime? What I mean by fear is the fear of ones dominant. Should one really fear their dominant? Thoughts?

Hmmm. Sometimes it works for me, sometimes not. I've never been in physical fear of a partner, but I've been in emotional fear before. Sometimes the emotional fear (of abandonment, in my case) is of my own manufacture, sometimes of the partner's doing, sometimes destructive and sometimes not.

There have been a few instances of this fear that have been positive. It has helped me see my own poor behavior and choices, to stop taking the dynamic for granted, and to be thankful to have such a beautiful person in my life. Other times it only scares me and makes me withdraw.

I guess it all depends on where your head is, where your heart is, and if the two can meet again within the boundaries of your relationship.

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RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 3:41:53 PM

gypsygrl

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I thrive on low levels of fear--this is subjective, of course. I can be very sensitive and it doesn't take much to create that feeling in me. I'm also so used to it, if its not there, I kind of wonder whats wrong. At the right level, its more a feeling of being challenged and not being so totally secure that I get the impression that I can do no wrong. I think some fear is positive and motivating. Too much however isn't a good thing. It eats away at me after a while.

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RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 4:33:19 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I don't see a reason to exclude the emotion of fear entirely from play and kinky fun.

But within a relationship, it really doesn't serve much purpose.

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RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 4:47:50 PM

daddysprop247

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I don't see a reason to exclude the emotion of fear entirely from play and kinky fun.

But within a relationship, it really doesn't serve much purpose.

wow LA, it's a bit unlike you to make such a generalization. obviously, i very much disagree. however i'm curious as to why you feel that fear can't have a legitimate purpose within the structure of a relationship, especially a D/s or M/s relationship?

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RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 5:25:00 PM

SurrenderForMe

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Withoug any more detail, I would say no. If one fears someone in general, trust is not present. If trust is not present and fear is, then I would look for what your senses are trying to tell you and where the danger is coming from.

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RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 6:28:45 PM

ProtagonistLily

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quote:

Does fear have a place in the dynamic other than in a scene or playtime? What I mean by fear is the fear of ones dominant. Should one really fear their dominant? Thoughts?

Mileage will vary I'm sure...

If the foundation of a good relationship is good communication, then I would think that fear outside of scenes, would inhibit communication. If you are afraid, then you are going to be somewhat closed and that will probably stunt communication.

I would be suspect that something could be amiss if I was constantly in fear in a relationship.

Of course, I'm assuming we are talking about real, and not perceived, fear.

PL

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RE: Fear? - 7/10/2008 10:29:40 PM

MasterFireMaam

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Leadership through fear doesn't usually work long term if what you're looking for is a healthy, fulfulling relationship. It CAN work long term, but I'd not say the resulting relationship is healthy.

Master Fire

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Post #: 35

RE: Fear? - 7/11/2008 4:18:31 AM

TysGalilah

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Inspiration vs domination

Leaders and leadership inspire...inspires the loyalty, servitude, trust and respect

Dictators rule through domination, and need/feed off the fear and feelings of powerlessness of those that need to follow and obey the dictator.

rage and anger are fear based emotions
creating fear to control = comes from a place of weakness, not strength, in that individual....imo

< Message edited by TysGalilah -- 7/11/2008 4:39:37 AM >

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Post #: 36

RE: Fear? - 7/11/2008 2:18:19 PM

accipitres

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Trust, communiation, healthy ....

....not everyone wants those in a BDSM relationship

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Post #: 37

RE: Fear? - 7/11/2008 2:23:17 PM

DesFIP

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As your primary partner in a full time relationship where you look to your partner to fulfill a multitude of needs? Not healthy.

In a part time relationship where you get love and support from others? Go for it.

For me? Not at all.

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RE: Fear? - 7/11/2008 7:21:29 PM

naughtysubK

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for me personally, i have always needed to have a partner that i could trust enough to know that, while he may physically hurt me very very much, he will not actually harm me. Fear, in the sense of being nervous and scared of having my limits pushed is one thing, but fear to the point that i wonder if i may suffer some permanent damage i did not consent to has no place in my relationships.

does that make any sense?

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RE: Fear? - 7/11/2008 7:34:24 PM

velvetears

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FR

Not to derail the thread but why would a dominant want his or her sub to fear them? If i had to use fear to dominate someone i would think i was lacking other essential skills. i would want someone who was obediant out of love not fear of me.

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