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Stephann -> RE: Is it better to confess or keep silent about an affair? (7/11/2008 1:14:39 PM)
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The "Do you tell or not?" is a great example of the one-size-fits-all solution. That is to say, it doesn't really fit anyone. Different people have different emotional and sexual needs, and come with their own host of virtues and vices; the real issue isn't if you should tell or not, but rather if you really desire the person you committed to, or not.
Personally, I'm a very intimate person. I like cuddling, I like touching, I like talking and not feeling like I have to censor myself. In previous relationships, when I felt that intimacy was suffering with my girlfriends, I would find myself at bars or dance clubs where I could meet others. I never set out thinking "I'm going to cheat on my girlfriend" but after a few drinks and a lot of laughs, I'd end up doing just that. I never cheated to hurt my partner, it was always from a lack I felt in our relationship. I finally realized that compatibility and mutual committments where what really kept a relationship alive; that when you cut a huge part of yourself out, you eventually end up miserable, or lying to yourself (and often both.)
Currently, I'm in a relationship where I'm free to date or spend time with other women if I wish. I feel like I can talk about those desires when they crop up, and as they're no longer a taboo topic or forbidden fruit, I find I desire them a lot less.
I mention myself, because I think it contrasts strongly with some of the reasons people cheat. I knew a guy who was sleeping with his secretary. From what he'd told me, it seemed to have a lot to do with the fact that it was a secret; that he wasn't supposed to be sleeping with her. Sure, she was beautiful and good company, but she was 'just' a secretary. He had a socially placed wife, children, a house, etc, and the secretary was a secret double relationship that didn't have any substance; if it did, he'd never have gotten involved with her in the first place. I think other people have affairs to get attention, a sort of "look at me! I'm misbehaving! Fix it!!" And there's the standard "I'm miserable with life and need to escape" affair. My father had an affair for three years with a woman in South Carolina (we lived in Michigan.) He was miserable with his job, his wife, and didn't really enjoy being part of the family. He met a woman who was beautiful, funny, and vivacious; but he couldn't bring himself to make the changes he had to make to really make a life with her. Sometimes people just don't want to give themselves permission to be happy.
So in the end, I think telling or not telling has a lot more to do with if one wishes to make changes in the way they live, or just maintain the status quo.
Stephan
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